Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Dealing Awkward and Difficult Parents
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Willa Rahmanir Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa salatu
salam ala Sayidina mousseline were the early he or software he or
Baraka was seldom at the Sleeman the fear on Eli omy Dean Amma bad
call Allah hooter Baraka with their Allah. God Allah subhana wa
Tada Almighty says, well beware the daily siRNA Allah subhanho wa
Taala also says what are the whole Lahoma ofin what are 10 Her Huma
Wakulla Huma olan Karima.
That much is from the Quran, then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam said an agenda to data Academy in Omaha. Paradise lies
under the feet of mothers. Now these seem to be
very universal general statements, we're going to try to unpack them
and try to understand them a bit more and see how inshallah we can
improve. Look at things from a different perspective.
Firstly, Allah subhanho wa Taala says what midwifery they need
siRNA
and having good and excellent interaction
and obedience to parents.
Allah subhanaw taala also says that the way he mentioned
obedience to parents in the Quran is generally after obedience to
Allah.
There was a great Persian
Mufasa
of the Quran, I'm Officer is exigent commentator of the Quran.
When I read his commentary on this, it was very interesting. He
says that Allah tells us to be obedient to our parents love and
respect them. And he puts their position after Allah's after his
own in the Quran, because parents are our access to God. Because if
it weren't for our parents, then we wouldn't have existed. And for
the most part, at least for believers, people who are born in
Muslim households, parents were probably the first to introduce us
to God.
That's why we have this idea that the first thing a child must hear
is other words of Allah subhanaw taala unless you get the Adhan in
the right ear and iqama in the left ear as soon as the child is
born.
And the benefit of that is that we are then
effected in sha Allah positively by the word of Allah, the word of
Allah, just Allah's name alone, it's considered to be very, very
powerful. It's a very simple word in the sense that you don't have
to do any pursing of your lips. You don't have to have any kind of
exaggerated movement of your tongue, or of your lips to be able
to articulate this name, you just say Hola. Hola. It just the
movement, literally of the tongue inside, there's no there's no
complex.
There's no complex motion within it, that Allah has made it very
easy. Yet scholars have mentioned the benefit of this as being a
very soothing word, removal of stress for people who sit and want
to repeat it. And the spiritual benefit is that as soon as you
take the name of Allah, Allah, even if with absolute negligence,
just in the passing, they say that it still has a benefit. And we as
Muslims, that's what we believe that there's a spiritual benefit
and things. Anyway, moving over from that. Our parents are our
introduction to Allah subhanaw taala.
In the sense that they brought us into this world, and if they
taught us about Allah subhanaw taala.
Now, Allah wants us to be obedient to them because of the concept in
this world of being thankful to your benefactors, people who have
been charitable with you, people who've done something for you,
people who've been generous with us, we're supposed to, there's a
concept of sugar and gratitudes. That's why the Prophet sallallahu
sallam said that whoever is not thankful to people will not be
thankful to Allah. And the reason is quite simple. Allah, who we
believe gives us much, and is very benevolent with us. But we can't
see him give us directly because God gives us through other means.
He gives us
a good he gives us maybe the clothing that we have the
smartness that we may have the beauty that some of us may enjoy,
the knowledge that we have, and the ability that we have the
happiness that we have, but it's always as though it's coming
through others. If we cannot see that thing, if we cannot thank
others for what we get from them, then we will never thank Allah
because God generally works behind the veil. Now you may be saying
why should we think anybody even to start with well, in humanity
within human beings, Thankfulness is a very essential trait. It's a
worthy, an extremely precious character.
So it's extremely important trait to have that you think people,
otherwise this world would not work with just ungrateful people.
Can you imagine it? Can you imagine if everybody had to do
things for others, but you'd never get any gratitude, it would be a
very awful place to live the way humans function, you do something
with somebody, and they thank you for it, you actually feel good,
you actually feel good. In fact, sometimes they pay you for
something a service, and then thank you for that service. You
don't feel as good. Because humans love emotion. Humans love that
kind of interaction. They like that kind of gratitude. And that's
why sugar is a very important concept in Islam. And those that
we have to show the greatest amount of sugar to is, is Allah
subhanaw taala, for allowing us to even exist, and then our parents
for being the instrument for being instrumental in bringing us into
this world. They're not instruments, right? That's just
the, the instrumental in bringing us into, right, we'll all be in
the same place. Right, we'll all be this is all part of God's grand
plan, that the cycle of procreation continue the way he's
made it between husband and wife that they come together. And this
is what happens. This is the idea. Now some of us may take a very,
very,
very, very pessimistic and a skeptical Outlook to this and say,
well,
that's that was inevitable that that's what happened. And they
looked after us when we were young. Well, they had to do that.
Why should I be thankful to them?
Now, thinking that way, is very, very harmful for us just in
general, because if that is how we're going to think about our
parents, then that is how we will probably think about everybody
else. Because if we cannot see what our parents have given us,
how can we see any beauty or bounty that comes from anywhere
else?
Now, what's very interesting, in this particular, at this
particular event, is that we are speaking as you know,
to 18 to 22 year olds, I'm assuming that's where we are
anybody beyond that, or below that age 18 to 22.
Anybody less than that over that? Well, you don't want to mention,
so okay.
So anyway, this is a very interesting age. Now, obviously,
I've been there. I can't say that I have experienced everything that
all of you may be experiencing at this time, because humans are very
unique. But there are some general things that 1718 year olds
generally go through. Right, there are just common, something's
right. And what these things are, is that this is the age especially
if you started university. Now you've moved into the big leagues,
though. Right? You started university. Right? For you. It's
still a big league right now. You've made taken a big step,
especially when you just started, it's a big step. You had to get a
loan, possibly, Hello, Hola, como de La Villa. Right? You've had to
scrounge for money. Otherwise, you may be doing part time jobs to
make this work. You know, there's all of these challenges that have
just been responsibilities that you've just had to maybe take up,
right, these are some of these things. But at the same time,
you've just, you've been finding your energies, these capabilities
within yourself that you are now an independent person,
you are now an independent person, maybe your parents have started
respecting you a bit more. And considering you an adult and not a
child anymore. I'm telling you this because I was there at one
time. And now I'm completely the other way. I'm on the opposite
end. Why? Because my son has just gone to UCL this year. He's 18.
And, you know, as I said, I'm just reflecting over when I was that
age. And now, when I'm on the other end, and SubhanAllah. It's
kind of interesting, right? So that's why I want to discuss this.
So that's the idea that we must approach this with gratitude. As
difficult as that may be. Look, I'm not going to say that all of
our parents are the most wonderful parents in the world. I'm not even
gonna try to tell you that. Right? They may be, but I'm not going to
try to impress that upon you. Because everybody has their own
realities. Some of us, some of your parents, you know, may have
been a bit short of being the most wonderful parents, maybe your
friend that you know, his parents always appear to be better than
our parents. His or her. Parents always seem to be better because
you always found out the good things about them. It was only
when they got something new that they will tell you Yeah, my
parents bought me a new phone. My parents got me a new handbag.
Right? That's all you knew about. You don't know the difficulties
that your friend may have gone through. So you've seen all the
rosy aspects
anything, why can't my parents be like that as well, because
sometimes we just tend to
focus on the negatives.
That's sometimes a problem as well. We're always comparing,
unfortunately, my parents are, your parents are better than my we
may not tell somebody that well, we just feel if you're into
reading books that you've, you've, you've read this utopian story of
some wonderful parenthood. But unfortunately, that's not the
case. Generally, parents are quite ugly in books. It's about some
little poor kid that had bad parents, and then she ran away and
found a grandmother or they start on the other. And, you know,
that's what makes it interesting. So Hamdulillah, maybe that will
help to reinforce the love that our parents do really give us. But
at the end of the day, look, we are going to have parents that
will not always do our bidding, that may not always give us what
we want. That may not always satisfy us in the way that we
would like, because we have great ideas. We want everything to be
nice around us. We want to be able to get what we want. Just the
other day, there's this talk that I that I listened to, which is
talking about a vitamin A vitamin N deficiency among our young
people today, among our children and teens and young people. What
is a vitamin and deficiency? Do you know what that is? It's the no
saying no, from parents, parents who have indulged their children
in getting them whatever they want. It has actually backfired in
most cases, in many cases. There's the case of one particular
18 or 99 to 20 year old who had been indulged throughout her life.
I believe this was in America, he'd been indulged, thrown Muslim
kid, a Muslim girl, and she'd been she'd basically, I think her
father was some wealthy doctor, or whatever he was, whatever she
wanted, she would get it was there the next day, right, it was
meaning it was there. However, at the age of 19, and 20, she
realized that she wanted more than objects, commodities, things she
wanted love. And that hadn't come from her parents. They thought
that just getting her what they want, because they were both
career oriented, both working. And basically whatever she wanted, get
it for her, so that they can be silent and carry on playing the
computer game, carry on doing whatever it is right. But at this
time, they realized that they didn't have parents, they just had
a good bank, right to buy them what they wanted. So one has to be
able to understand. Now I don't want to sound patronizing to
anybody, right, that I know more than you do. But I have lived a
bit longer than many people right here. And I'm just giving you from
that experience. Take it as you want. Right? I've still got a lot
to learn, because I've still got parents who are older than me, at
least my father, my mother passed away. May Allah have mercy on her.
But my father, at least he's there, and he still does tell me
off. And I have to just sometimes hold the phone and just Yes, yes.
Even though I think I'm right. Right. I am a very argumentative
person. And I've had arguments I will be I'll confess, I have had
arguments. But I know at the end of the day, I'm going to be
miserable.
I'm not going to win, I can't be I can't, I can't win an argument
with my father, even if I do win. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Is there is no winning in this argument. There are no winners in
this argument, you have to realize that it doesn't matter. It doesn't
matter. Because at the end of the day, the relationship that we need
to have is above anything, this is not a competition. When we do get
to 1819 and 20 we suddenly start feeding him, you know, important
for ourselves and independent as we should do to a certain degree.
Maybe you started earning a bit of money, some part time, job,
whatever, and you start feeling a bit more independent than you. It
should never become a competition our parents will always remain our
parents. Very interesting story that once a person came to the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam saying that ya rasool
Allah, Oh, my messenger of Allah, my horse, my camel, his horse or
camel, whatever his means of conveyance was at the time it had
become, it had become useless for him. It was it become old and
weary, or whatever the case is, and he needed to go somewhere. And
he needed to Professor Larson to give him another animal to write
basically, I need to borrow a car, right? My car's all messed up. I
need to get another car. So the profit and loss him he said to
him, very casually said, You know what? I'll give you the offspring
of a camel.
Now the person is desperate status thing. What am I going to do with
a child of a camel?
What am I going to do with the child of a camel? Right the
promise the last summit said I'm going to give you what are the
look which means the offspring I'm translating an offspring of the
camel, a child of a camel. So then the prophets Allah some said to
him, isn't every camel the child of another camel?
Right? Isn't every person however old they may be the child of
somebody else. Right? It will
We're always going to be our parents children. Remember that,
you know what I've had to deal with,
in a committee that I was interacting with
these all old guys in the mosque mosque committees. And they I'd
given them a suggestion that there was a friend of mine was 40 years
old. Right? That he should you know, he He's capable. You know
what they said? He's just, he's just from yesterday. Right? He's
not capable. He's from yesterday. Now, Little do they think that
when they started working for this message that they, you know, that
they had maybe helped to found and build, they will also around 3540?
Right, it was okay for them then. Now, they're saying that this guy,
my friend, whose was 14 at the time, I remember that he's got no,
he's not up to up to it yet. You know, he's the comptroller of a
company. He is the accountant, Chief Accountant. Millions of
pounds are going through his hands every day. Right? And he's got, I
think, three children or two children, two or three children,
and they still think he's too young to run the Committee of the
mosque. Now, that's clear irony and stupidity. That's absolutely
wrong. Right. That is absolutely. That's just ridiculous. But that's
a mentality. That's a very village mentality, I believe. Now, our
parents, though, is a different story. They affectionately will
always affectionately, not politically, that's a political
situation in the mosque I'm talking about, that's bad. But in
with our parents is different story, they will affectionally
always treat us like children, they will always be worried about
our vulnerabilities, because you have to remember, they are at
least they have lived in this world. 20 years more than us,
right? At least, right? Maybe 18 years, if they got the you know,
the first child 18. Right. Or maybe 25. They are at least that
they've they've had experience of that many more years than us and
they think they know better. And in many cases, they do. Not in
everything, but in many cases they do. Right? Once I was speaking to
my daughter about something, right when she was about 16, or
something. And I said to her, maybe you're not understanding
where I'm coming from. But let me tell you something, you know, in
your little brother, who's who was probably about eight or nine at
the time, you know, and he claimed something, and he thinks you are
wrong, but you know, so clearly that the reality is not with him.
Reality is something else is you think it because you know now
you're more mature, then do you see what he is thinking though,
and he's protesting? You're doing the same thing with me? Do you
understand? You're just doing the same thing with me, but you don't
see it? Because you haven't lived to the age to see that yet? See
the repercussions and consequences of these actions. You think that
your age is sounds very rosy and nice and great and beautiful.
That's exactly how your eight nine year old brother is feeling. But
you know, he's completely wrong. Right? But it's very difficult.
How do you teach people experience? You know, how do you
give the experience to somebody unless they're willing to take it?
So that's the difficulty. That's why your parents are the way they
are. They are not politically competing with you. They want to
see the best in us. That's for most parents, by the way. I know
you do get some of those few that come in the newspapers that do
some really weird things. Right? But hamdulillah Allah, Allah
protect us from having such parents. Most of our parents, they
want affectionately, they compassionately lovingly, they
just been stringent. Now the other thing is that how many of us
sitting here have parents that were born in another country?
Oh, wow.
How many? Okay, how many? How many of us have parents who are born in
this country?
Oh, that's a minority. Okay.
So, those people whose parents were born in another country, how
many of them speak English properly?
Okay, all right, got it. So that means the majority here their
parents, according to you do not speak English properly. They do
not speak English properly. Right? According to what I'm hearing
here, is that right? Meaning they have an accent.
Right? Or whatever the case is. Now, if you're born here, you're
probably not going to have an accent where you are going to have
an accent. It's just not going to be a English accent. Right and
Indian English accent do you know that there's actually very
Singlish Chinese English Chinglish? That's Chinglish right.
Sri Lankan English is Singlish is a bit more refined that actually
English which is Hindustani English, Indian English, right
would you call it Bangladeshi English?
Right would you call Pakistani English
All right. I don't know Somali English
Somali English
because the scene the s
has already been taken by the Chinese no by the Sri Lankans.
Anyway. So generally what happens is I'll tell you something.
Sometimes our parents, they're not as media savvy, there isn't.
They're not gadget savvy. Right? They're not gadget savvy. They
don't understand a lot of the things that go around us.
What happens then is because we think we can speak better, right?
Sometimes our parents may even be telling us to fill in some forms
for them, because they don't get it. Right. That's a possibility.
Does that make you superior to them? Does that make you better?
It doesn't necessarily do that. Right. So all of these things just
have to be comprehended and understood. These things have to
be comprehended, assimilated and understood how we can deal with
this thing.
My belief is that we will be more strict with our children, that our
parents are with us.
You know, the normal parents with the normal, rigid? Would you call
it upbringing that we may have had, I believe we are going to be
more rigid with our children than they are in many aspects. Now, do
you know why do you do? Do you understand why that may be the
case?
It doesn't sound right does it?
I mean, of course, there could be there could be exceptions to this.
But the reason I say this is because of this reason.
Our parents don't understand a lot of stuff we could get involved in.
Right, because they came from a different environment. However, we
understand this environment, we understand the pitfalls, the
problems in this environment, the problems where the drugs may be
sold, where different things go on what children do what youth do,
because we're in more in the know how we're going to be a lot more
careful, right, than our parents who may have come from a village
or some other place and don't really know the real problems that
may be in our community. So that may be the case. We may be more
strict tomorrow than our parents are with us. And of course, the
main thing to understand just a few practical points now on how we
can improve that relationship.
A few months, a few months ago, I was at University of Warwick,
about how to be a good student. That was the topic. One of the
things that I pointed out there, because I've got a I've got a
class of students that I teach. Now all of these are most of them
are graduates, but I'm teaching them Hadith. I'm teaching them
Bukhari and Muslim. These are all in class students who have already
graduated from university doing some work or whatever. But in the
evening, they're coming to do to do advance Olim course studies. So
I asked him, look, I've got this talk that I want to go and give,
what would you suggest having come through that background, because
I've got a PhD, my my PhD from psoas is very different from you
know, I didn't have to go and sit for a whole four year ba course
somewhere. Right, I got my I studied mostly in a madrasa then
for one year, I studied an honours degree in Rand Africans University
of Johannesburg, right. And it was just in and out, I didn't have to
be on the campus scene doing all that stuff. I didn't have the
time. And my masters and PhD was also like, just in and out. So I
thought, let me ask them, one of the points that gave me a number
of good points, but one of the points they said is, don't forget
your family.
Don't be forget your family, because now a lot of the time
you're out of the house, because you're studying in the evening,
you may have classes or revision or whatever. Don't forget your
family. Don't just remember your family when you have to, you know,
ask for food or something like this, try to at least go home and
have at least one meal with your family if you can, whether that be
breakfast in the morning, right? If it's if everybody's there early
enough, whether that be a supper at night, or whatever the case is,
at the end of the day as human beings coming to university
becoming independent doesn't mean that we become unhuman inhumane,
we lose our character, we lose our Islamic morals. That's what's very
important. As Muslims, our moral should always show and to our
parents more than anybody else. That's why the prophets Allah Some
said that paradise lies under the feet of the mothers. What does
that even mean? How does paradise lie under the feet of mothers
clearly, he's not talking literally easy. But you see in the
time of Rasulullah Salallahu Salam in a time of the Prophet Muhammad
Sallallahu sallam, you had these fairgrounds places where people
would congregate together. And you know that you would, nowadays you
go and you know, you can, there's, there's these games you can make
you pay some money and then you try to shoot something down or try
to pick something out of, you know, those kinds of things. So
one of those kinds of gimmicks was that they were they would get this
big, hefty guy, right, this big, fat, hefty guy, make him stand on
a cloth and
You pay you, anybody who could pull that sheet from under him
would be the winner.
Right? Now you got this the heaviest guy in town, he's
standing firmly down there like this, right? You know, whatever,
however, and you're they're trying to pull. Right? So
this was, this became a proverb in that time, this became a proverb.
So, Paradise being under the feet of your mother meant that just as
in this case, with this really built heavy
sumo wrestler kind of guy standing there, there is no way you can
pull that cloth from under him. If there's a trapdoor underneath,
there's no way you can get there, the only way you can do it is
Be kind to him.
Say, look, come on, let's go take you for a cup of tea. Right. So
basically, let him willingly move away, the only way to access it to
through their satisfaction and happiness. So likewise with
parents is the same thing, especially with the mother, who is
generally the softer more emotional of the two. Right? So
make them so satisfied that she will basically say you must go to
Jana. I said that if you have beautiful parents, which I
inshallah I believe you all do, right? As rough and tough, they
may be with us, right? But they all have our best welfare in their
mind. And the best parents are those who make the greatest doors
and prayers for their children. And if that comes spontaneously,
which means that if I go to my father,
if I go to my father, and I go and do something for him without him,
asking me to do it. So let's say that he had said, you know, I want
to do this, I want to go to this place. And one day, I just can't
say, you know, you had mentioned you wanted to do it, let me take
you come on. He never asked me to take him. He never asked me to get
something for him. But I just second guessed it, and was
proactive. And I went did something, you know, the
spontaneous dua that will come from the heart that is extremely
powerful. That is very powerful. And the prophets of Allah Islam
said, one of the doors, one of the people whose doors are accepted,
our parents do ask for their children, or parents who asked for
the children. And I have seen the power of parents do us, I've got a
friend with a big shake. Right? He's he's a big scholar now. And I
was totally shocked and surprised when somebody else who knew him
from a young age told me that you know, this guy, this shave this
friend of yours, he was at university with us, and his room,
you would go in, they will be full of beer bottles. This guy was a
drinker, this guy was a party guy. I don't even know that side of his
he's such a righteous person now. And that always baffled me. And I
know his brother as well. I just couldn't it just something I could
not believe. However, I once got a chance to meet his father.
And then I realized that he has a really righteous father. Right? I
haven't met his mother. But he has a righteous father, who I'm sure
it's his daughters that have changed the scene here. Parents do
us a very powerful. How'd you get your parents do us?
Right? How would you get your parents do as I said, be
proactive.
Give them something, love affection, where you didn't, they
never expected you do, go and do something different for them. That
will make a massive difference. That would make a massive
difference. That's where you get your you get your parents to ask
them. A few.
A few practical tips. They say there are five languages of love
for parents. Number one, use words of affection. Say I love you.
Right. Some of us may be already used to saying that because from a
young age, we've been saying that I love you. Right?
How many of us are not used to saying I love you to our parents?
I mean, it's difficult. Now, how do you say that the first time
you guys, I know you? Right? It's just, you know, so difficult.
It's so difficult. But if you can muster that the first time, the
next time will become easier.
The third time will be even more easier.
And can you imagine how much happiness that would bring to
them? Allahu Akbar.
Can you imagine? Now if you have to speak to your friends in
another language? I mean, you have to figure that one out. Right? But
I'm sure love is an international. You know, that's a very
international concept and I'm sure people understand it. So that's
the first thing say good things to them. Start off with some other
words. Number two, don't keep a negative attitude attitude with
them. It gives them much more hurt. Give you an example. try
always to be affectionate
Sometimes children have Absolutely.
Sometimes we may have absolutely no ill feelings. But we have an
attitude problem, which is a default attitude problem, just the
way we are with people, which is rough. Right? So we don't smile
when we speak to somebody who's like, yeah, man. Yeah. Like, you
know, that kind of stuff. And we do that with our parents, they
misread it. Do you understand they mistreated, they want affection
and softness from us, not this kind of attitude. For example, if
your mom or dad is going to drops, going to put something into the
thing, take it from them and put it in there. These are just ways
of doing that main, one of the main things is just facial
expression. Facial Expression can either make something or break
something. So while you may have nothing inside that no animosity
whatsoever inside, but maybe we've just very hard in the way we deal
with things. And this is just not men, women can be like this as
well. Right? This is not just men, women can be like this as well, we
can just hold a really
blank face. And the parents can't read you. And you don't mean
anything, but but they think there's something up. So facial
expression is very important. Another thing is try to keep eye
contact. Like every time your parents come in a room, you walk
out, right, your dad comes in a room or your main concern or you
walk out somewhere else. That's a bad relationship. Right? That's a
really bad relationship. I know sometimes, parents will tell you
for every small thing. And I know sometimes parents are
unreasonable. And some parents are oppressive. Some parents are
abusive. And there's no doubt about that. I've dealt with cases
where one of the people in my community, he is a father of four
children. He's an older person now. But he has problems with his
father. He is the one who looks after his mother. And he looks
after his mother, he's been looking after him and his wife
been looking after the mother for this many years, you know, last
510 15 years. But he has a brother, who his mother favors
much more than him. She never praises him, never says anything
good to him, always praising his brother. And his brother is not
the one we're sure he can do no wrong. Whereas this guy who's
doing all of the service, he has issues. So he is obviously it's
very difficult. What do you do in that case?
So I told him, Look,
you just do your best, because your rewards are stacking up with
Allah subhanaw taala. Because your intention is correct. That's what
you're doing. Right? The more patience you have in this, in this
case, it's not harmful. It's not abusive, but it's just very
difficult to hear. That's the kind of situation, right, that's a very
difficult situation to deal with. But you will have unreasonable
parents like that. So
generally speaking, though, most parents are not like that. They
just, they just, they just very aggressive sometimes in their love
for us, because they think that they are protecting us. Because we
don't know enough. And sometimes we don't know enough, right? So
for example, there was a meeting going on, and this guy who's you
know, very influential, he's there, and then his father seems
to kind of just walk in. And his father is not very professional,
or whatever the case is, right? His father, what is not very
educated, in this case, educated, he's in a meeting or something and
his father comes in, he starts saying something. So he turns on
to his father, and he says, you know, what, let let let the, let
the proper people speak.
Now, while it was wrong for his father to come and interrupt,
clearly agreed, but for you to denigrate your father, humiliate
your father, criticize your father, like that is completely
wrong. Because that's not what Allah wants you to do. Yes, you
can tell him that kindness is, you know, let me take you somewhere,
you know, let go and give him something else to do whatever.
Now, some, some, some of our parents may be senile. Some of
them may be very old. It's a possibility. Right? They may say
things they may ask you every day, what did you tell me? What's your
you know, what, what's your son's name? Like? You don't remember.
You know, sometimes there are people that they've got dementia
or whatever the case is, we have to show mercy because we may be in
that same state one day. That's why the Prophet sallallahu sallam
said, Whoever respects and honors whoever honors a person with white
hair. Somebody whose hair has started green, right?
For that reason, that the older and so on, Allah will have
somebody do the same for you and you're at that stage. So what goes
around comes around, if only you could project where you will be 50
years from now. They will see the truth of these things. I would see
the same thing. Right? Sometimes we just very arrogant, self
conceited narcissist, individuals. We just can't see these things.
And this is what we have to work for because we will become better
people. There's no point in getting the highest degrees in
school but we're not good people. You
Very good at your laboratory work, but you go home, you go outside
and you don't know how to deal with people. What's the point of
that?
Remember, laziness will be taken as a lack of love by our parents,
you want to do something, I'll do it later. I'll do it later. I'll
do it later. They just think Man, he doesn't like me, or whatever
the case is. That's why he doesn't do it. How many of us
procrastinate, we want to do it, but we just do it later. Right?
Unfortunately, that's misread sometimes by our parents. So try
to be on the ball with these things. And, of course, if they're
very old or whatever, don't be rough with them. Now, to finish
off, I just want to mention one final thing, which is very
important. Now.
If your parents tell you to do something,
they command you to do something, instruct you to do something, but
you want to do something else, or you think is harmful. Or you think
something else is more beneficial. For example, they want you to
marry a certain person, but you know that that person isn't going
to work for you and you got somebody else in mind. How do you
deal with the reason I'm saying this is because of the tension
between the fact that we have to obey our parents after Allah and
His Messenger sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So if our parents are
telling us to do something that goes against the deen against
Allah and His Messenger, then we don't have to listen to them.
Because
the hierarchy is God messenger, His Messenger, sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam, and then our parents. However, if it's in tune with what
God and His messengers, Allah, some have said, then we must
listen to them. How far is that obligation?
Let's just say that they tell you one of the sisters that you cannot
wear a hijab, because they think you won't be able to get married.
Because for some reason, nobody marries hijab, you women in their
sight. Right? Have you any of you had that problem? Or facing that
problem? No, you can't wear hijab? No, man, take that thing of why
you were in this? None of your auntie's have worn it. Your
grandmother didn't wear it. Why are you wearing this? You? Are you
if you become part of ISIS? Right? This is this is what goes through
their mind because a different world that they're living room,
and I think nobody's going to marry you.
A guy you want to keep a beard, right? And same thing, man, you
become extremists. The prevent is going to be after you. Because you
kept a beard. Right? I know. There are some silly stories about them
some really absurdities to do with that. But this is what some
parents have in their mind and think we can extremist.
But you know, this is what you want to do for your faith. So what
do you do in that case?
What do you do in that case?
What do you do in that case, in any of these cases, is firstly,
understand whether you are right or wrong in what you're trying to
do? Is it just naivety? Right? Is it just misplaced enthusiasm? Of
course, if it surely or if it's clear, surely you're right. But
sometimes it's not a case of it's not a case of surely it's about
who to marry. It's got nothing to do with Sharia necessarily. It's
just I can't get I think I'd be better off this person instead of
that person. Right? So it doesn't have to be Sharia related, always
could just be better of choice. Now, generally, the way to look at
this because how many of you believe that you have to obey your
parents, regardless of the situation?
Like in theory, at least, how many of you believe you must believe
like, if your parents say you must marry this man, then the Sharia
requires you to marry that man? How many of you believe that?
Okay, one person at the bank. So what the rest of you believe that
you don't have to.
So this is what it is. I'll give you it very simply, very simply.
What the jurists, after looking out of the narration, see, and
they've said is that what is most important is that your parents are
never neglected, and never Dishonored,
never disrespected, Dishonored, and neglected, right? However,
that doesn't mean that you must do everything that they say, if it
goes against your general welfare, or of course it goes against your
deen and your religion.
Makes sense? Let me open this up a bit. Let's just say that they want
you to marry somebody who you have tried to entertain the thought and
you've you have reflected, you have pondered it over you have
considered it as much as possible. But you know, for whatever reason,
she's not going to work.
Now what?
There is not a bad guy or anything like this, it's just you know,
what you want to marry somebody else who's also decent.
So, what do you have to do in that case? The first, the first step is
to try to consider who they want, try to come to a mutual aid
greement That is the best, everybody's happy.
However, some parents are very unreasonable, especially from
certain backgrounds, they want you to marry your cousin.
Right? And they've had that in mind from when you were born.
Right? Or when your cousin was born. They've got that in mind.
It's all fixed up, they've actually fixed it up with your
uncle. He's already done. Right?
Very unreasonable, then they will blackmail you. Right? I'm never
going to speak to you. Look how sick I've become. It'll be Morrow,
gay, you know, you know, all the rest of it will face will I be
able to show you Europe my son anymore? You're not my daughter
anymore? It's all blackmail.
Right? But how do you deal with that situation? Because we're
supposed to listen to our parents.
So again, if you genuinely have tried, genuinely, you said, Look,
you you, you really thought about you did you istikhara and
everything is not going to work.
Or, for example, you want to go to
particular university to do you want to you want to study
engineering, and they want you to become a medical doctor. But you
just don't think how you're going to see patients is not your thing.
You just don't want to be a doctor, you want to be an
engineer. So now what now remember, being a doctor or an
engineer, it's got nothing to do with their service. Right, you can
still serve them whether you're a doctor or an engineer, right? Of
course, if you're a doctor, then you probably don't have to go to
another doctor will have adopted in house martial law when they get
old. But other than that, generally, you're not going to
neglect them in that. As long as you're not neglecting them. You
want to dress a certain way. Islamically which is not fun to
dress this way. But it's nice. So you want to dress like that. They
don't want you to dress like that. These are all examples. See hijab
is necessary. But dressing like this, right with, you know, the
third one, the Juba and all this that's not necessary, it's
praiseworthy. So it is praiseworthy and as necessary,
because when it comes to necessary, there's no compromise.
When it comes to praiseworthy things. As long as you're not
going against this service, you're not dishonouring them, it's not
leading to these arguments where you're saying bad things to each
other, then it's fine.
What I generally recommend to people is that respectful
perseverance is how you deal with these issues. So you increase, you
still stand on your position, but you increase your respect and your
honor and your service to them. You have to win them in this game.
You cannot come down and start arguing back saying bad things
disrespecting because you're not allowed to do that. You can't even
say like, whatever, you can't make any of those sounds, that's what
the Quran says, is one of the few places in the Quran that the Quran
has used an onomatopoeia, right, a sound of a word, to show how
significant this is that do not even use this word, right or
anything like it. So you just have to be more respectful and try to
beat them and try to basically when their love for you over the
love of the culture, for example, the love of their preconceived
thoughts. Do you understand that? No, my child is a good look, look
at the respect they're showing. That's what you have to do. You
cannot disrespect them that you can be firm in your position. But
if you are wrong in your position, then you will be sinful.
So go and find out from a scholar, this is my dilemma.
Am I correct? To say that I want to marry this person or I want to
do this, or I want to study this. Always consult because we can be
wrong. Just as our parents could be wrong, we could be wrong as
well. So hopefully that clinches it for us that gives us some
understanding of it. And we ask Allah subhanaw taala to
grant us the best inshallah and disregard grant as the best in our
studies not allow us to not make us neglect, you know, not allow us
to neglect our families as well, because we're going to need them.
Right, we will always need them. They will be the first people to
look out for us when we're in need. So never, never let your
parents go. And the two hours that you can get from them will take
you miles further than you can go on your own believe me. I believe
today that wherever, wherever I am, it's because of my mother and
my father. My mother has already passed away but I have so much
gratitude, because I know what she did when she was young and the
encouragement. Yes, she could be difficult at times. She was
difficult at times. And there were times when
my mother used to wear a niqab. And when I was young, I refused to
go out with her because she was in a pub.
I still remember and I feel so bad to this day. She wanted to buy me
some shoes, and I don't know what phase I was going through. I was
probably about eight nine years old. Right
My brother used to go into school at that time now it's quite
common. But now in that time with a hat on, he said, I would never
do that.
Right? I was like, No, I was different. I refuse to go with my
mother said, No, she's like, come on. You know, I promised you, I'll
take you to buy your shoes. So now I want to come.
Come over, she's surprised like she's made time to take me out.
And then I think I must have I don't know how I even said it. But
I still remember that.
Allah, Allah helped me. Allah helped me that he sorted me out.
Right? You sorted me out. Otherwise, I don't know where I
would be today. Right? But you go through these things. When you're
young, just being honest. You go through these things. When you're
young, you could go through these things. But remember, don't try to
always move on, try to take good company and try to get better. But
parents never neglect them. That's very important. May Allah subhanaw
taala accept waka Dhawan hamdu, lillahi, rabbil, Alameen.
How to deal with a parent who always misunderstands you, blames
you for all the things going wrong.
You see, this could be both ways, it may be our perspective that I
think I'm always right. And they are always, sometimes yes, you do
get a stubborn parents who just you can never do anything, right.
Right.
The way to do this, is look, the there's not much you can do with
your parents in terms like you can't divorce your parents, this
is not a wife or a husband. Right? It's not a job that you can
change, you understand, it's not an employee that you can fire. So
at the end of the day, be persevering. Make lots of dua to
Allah subhanho wa taala. And try to read some books that tell you
how to deal with difficult people. There are certain strategies that
you can use by showing additional kindness that just rocks them off
their feet, because they used to a certain response from you certain
expression of your face, right? You know, every time they think,
like, oh, you know, just that face, and it just becomes a
vicious cycle.
They think you hate them, and you think they hate you. And it's just
a vicious cycle. And we have to try to bring that love out again.
So that's one way to try to get some self help manuals to
understand how to deal with difficult people and try to use
additional count, like extra dose of kindness, get some gifts for
them, or whatever the case is. And then after that, remember, they're
not gonna change straightaway. So persevere after that. Keep doing
it. Right? Just drink the bitter pills that they give you. Right?
The doses that they give you and hopefully ask Allah subhanaw
taala. Another thing is maybe to get some help from an uncle or
grandparents or something like that to try to sit you down
somebody who can they will listen to, and if not, because I know it
could just be then just keep trying and be patient. And
remember, the old rewards for patience and patience is the
highest reward, but shady Siberian Alladhina either Asaba Tomasi,
Bacala inna Lillahi wa ala urogen give glad tidings to those who are
patient because Allah is remembering everything and Allah
is noting everything and you will get your reward for this and with
every difficulty comes ease as Allah says in the Quran nama
illusory your salon.
How do you manage balance your attitude and actions with your
parents if they are not practicing? And if you face tough
situations where you can't obey them? If it is disobeying Allah?
Exactly telling you not to obey? Or what's the best deed to do for
your parents? Again, same thing, I think it's the same thing is just
try to be more kind but firm. No, ma'am, I have to do this. Look,
it's, you know, it's necessary. And I believe it's necessary.
That's why I have to do this, but then go and help them in the
kitchen. Right, go and cook something for them. Right, wake up
and do some breakfast for them. And then they will understand that
this been, you know, this Avaya that you're putting on, it makes
you make good breakfast. Right? It makes you a better person. They
have a see, it's all based on suspicion. They think you can't
get married, because you can't they probably you're the person
the people they think you should be married to won't marry you.
Because it's a clique. It's a it's a certain category. Right? So this
is fears that they have, you need to try to get them out of that
fear to say no, a buyer clad women can also be nice people to
understand that I'm making light of it, but really, this is what it
is try to get through to them and get them to respect people of this
because they've had years and years and years of this thought in
their mind that people have abided downtrodden, they're not advanced,
they don't get it or whatever preconceived ideas that they have
in their mind.
Allah help.
You mentioned that we should respect and love our parents and
that's
it
The least we can do for them. How do you explain this to someone who
has given up for adoption by their parents, and for this reason their
parents mean nothing to them.
That's a tougher one, that's obviously a much more a tougher
situation. If they've been given up for adoption, then that means
they don't have much connection I'm assuming with them. However,
as you get older, as you get older, we pray that you will find
it in your heart to forgive them. They may have been going through
some weird time in their life, which is not justifiable in the
general sense of it. Right? It's not justifiable, right. But they
may have been going through something, maybe they were very
immature when they got married, maybe they were very self
centered, or whatever the case is. But at the end of the day, we must
remember that we are also wrong in many, many things that we do in
our life. Right? If we think that's a heinous crime, we may do
other things as well. And if we want Allah to forgive us, we
should find it in our heart to also forgive them. forgiving them
doesn't mean that you have to now go and treat them like a mother
that has always been around if she doesn't want you. If they don't
want you fine. But at least find the means to find something in
your heart because it's not going to harm you at all. Taking a
grudge with you to your grave, and not forgiving somebody until you
die is not going to make you any richer, is not going to make you
any better off. Remember that it's not going to make you any better
off. Right you don't lose anything by doing this, but you do gain
because forgiveness. Forgiveness is a characteristic of Allah.
Allah is who he is how far he is roughing it, he uses many, many
words to explain who he is. One of them means the Forgiver. Another
one means the one who abundantly forgives. And the other one means
the one who frequently forgives over and over and over again,
despite the violations that people commit. So if that's what we want
from Allah subhanaw taala then we have to find it, because this is
just the world at the end of the day, in the Hereafter, will have
to stand in front of Allah and the Hadith of the Prophet Allah some
says tuba Lehmann Wuji, the fee Sahifa to he is still foreign
kathira. Right. Glad tidings for the one in whose records lots of
is still far is found is the farming seeking forgiveness for
oneself, the clearly forgiving others is also inshallah a very
praiseworthy deed, very easy to say, may be difficult. But one day
Inshallah, if you have that resentment one day, we ask Allah
that He removed it from you, because there's no benefit in
keeping it. Resentment is not good for anybody for anything, impede
in pen, it impedes your life, impede your happiness in your
light, because you have something missing. If you can overcome that
and forgive somebody, you've just released the massive not from your
heart.
And I pray for people like this because obviously it must be very,
very difficult. What do you do when your parents tell you that
you are taking Islam too seriously, and that you should be
modern and that you will get modern day said moderate? I could
understand that. Modern you think religious people are not modern?
Like what kind of?
You know, what absurdity is that? This is ridiculous. They think
that anybody who's religious can be modern. I mean, you could be
wearing modern clothes and be religious. Right? What does it
mean to be modern wearing a Gucci jacket? Is that whatever you want
to wear one then, you know, you know Subhanallah Have you have you
been to the Emirates? They've got the they've got men's hotrods what
they call you know, those shoulders they were they've got
Kenzo shorts that isn't that modern. Right. Now, I'm not saying
that's all religious. That's an actual dress, but it's just a
misunderstanding. Again, it's that misunderstanding and that you will
you will get to be religious later on in your life. Well, when,
right? What do you tell them? Also, I think I'm disobeying them
by not removing my hijab, you're not disobeying them at all, by not
removing your hijab. But you know, some, some children. I do want to
say just to be fair, some people do go a bit extreme.
Some children in their religiosity do go a bit extreme, they've been
very unreligious. Suddenly they get so religious, that they take
on too much burden too much too much extra, not just the
obligations but too much extra and then they get messed up. So if
it's that case, then as I said, always ask a scholar, but if it's
just moderation than just kindness is your response. Kindness is your
infant show what it means to be a religious person.