Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Comforting Others at times of Distress The Etiquette of Offering Condolence
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Bismillah
Alhamdulillah wa benign Amin or salatu salam ala so you didn't
mousseline while he was off the edge Marina, Amma Bharath.
Okay, condolence. This is related.
What we're going to discuss now in sha Allah is
how do you convey bad news to someone? And how do you comfort
somebody, when you have had bad news, or when something bad has
happened to them?
If you have to break the undesired news of a tragic accident, or the
death of a dear or close relative, or friend,
break the news in such a way
so that you minimize the impact of it.
Don't go in there and try to dramatize guess what happened? Oh,
it was so bad. What I can tell you, it's just so bad. It's just
so bad man. You know, you just go in and you make such a big deal
about it. Exaggerate.
Try to minimize the impact of it, make it as mild and gentle as
possible. For example, in the case of a death, you may say, recently,
I learned that Mrs. So and so has been terribly sick, her condition
has worsened. Today, I heard that she's passed away now. So you're
building up to it. Not like, oh, you know what I heard so and so
passed away.
It's okay to say that, but it's better to minimize it. May the
mercy of Allah be with her.
So again, you remind them of that they've moved to the Rahmatullah
they've moved to the Mercy of Allah.
So make it wholesome, make it a package, start by giving the name
of the person in question, Do not break the news of a death by
saying,
Do you know who died today? With some kind of question, some kind
of examination
that this unduly manner frightens the listeners and prompts them to
expect the worst namely, that the death involves someone who is very
close to them because they get thinking. So even though it might
be for a split second, that's a hurt that you don't need to give
them.
Say, do you know day to day,
person is going to think about people they know, not some
stranger.
Although today, we're so public, and people probably think some
politician has died or something. Because we're always talking about
everybody else. Nowadays, we don't talk about family anymore. We talk
about everything else under the sun, or a certain singer or
certain star has died. Or Guess who died today.
You know, so and so.
Instead mentioned the name of the dead person first, before breaking
the tragic news of the death. This will not cause their mind to go in
different directions. This will soften the impact of the news
reducing the listeners apprehension and making the news
more bearable. Similarly convey the news of fire. Drowning car
accidents in a similar fashion prepare the listener for the news
in a way that minimizes its impact. Mentioned the names of the
affected persons in a kind way. Don't in a shocking way,
in a considerate way, not in a wicked way. Some people have weak
hearts and such bad news may cause them to faint or collapse. If it
is necessary to convey such news, choose the appropriate time.
It's another thing it should not take place at a meal
and spoil the food. Before going to sleep during an illness.
Compassion and tact are the best qualities you will need to handle
such a situation.
Parting among loved ones is one rule of Allah in His creation.
When
anything you love in this world, it's going to part from us or
we're going to part from them it's a rule of Allah ins creation.
The only thing that will not part is the love of the Creator create
the creation to the Creator.
That will always remain
otherwise there's going to be a party.
That's why half of elementary reports are Hadith love whoever
you will, but you will pass.
Based on this rule a poet has said we are but guests with our
families staying for a while and then leaving them wealth and
families are just trusts. Inevitably one day trusts will be
recalled. They are an Amana they just here for a short while kept
in trust where we have to look after them for a while. They're
going to be recalled. The sums of this life will all part to meet
together again in the hereafter. One wise poet listed eight stages
we must all pass through. No one will be spared any of these
happiness and sorrow
has to happen both of them gathering and partying, uniting
with people departing from people, difficulties and is an illness in
good health. These eight aspects is what our life tumbles through.
This is what we do. Another poet said, persevere, oh friend, and
leave painful sorrow. You're not alone, everyone lost or we lose a
loved one everybody has lost or will lose a loved one. So it
doesn't happen just to you, it happens to everybody.
If a relative or a close friend of one of your relatives or friend
dies, I hasten to offer your condolences. Don't do it after a
week. Do it as soon as possible.
You owe your relatives friends and Muslim brothers the moral
obligation of alleviating their plates,
removing their problem. If you can, you should attend the funeral
and the burial at the cemetery. Aside from being a highly rewarded
gesture of sympathy, it could also be an effective and stern
admonition for our own self and a lesson reminding us of the
inevitability of death.
While alive your life had lessons reminders an admonition today,
your death gives me the most important lesson.
That is the most important lesson.
Especially with people that we know. And for many people, that's
been the point of change in their life. When they've lost a loved
one, especially a younger person. It makes them change and it shows
them the fragility of what life is all about. And the security that
we feel. We just go about our daily life, thinking as though
this is our life. We're going to live like this forever. We don't
focus on really ourself and what we're really here for. Then this
is what gives us that rude awakening sometimes. And I know
quite a few people who this is what changed them from a life of
carefree attitude to a life of practice and concern for oneself
and the hereafter.
Condolences to alleviate the sense of grieving that confronts the
family of the deceased. This is achieved by encouraging them to be
composed while trusting in Allah's promise and great reward. Allah
says in surah baqarah and give Claire times to those who
patiently persevere Corbishley soybean Alladhina Eva Osama to
masiva call in Lillahi wa inna la Raji Ron,
Willa ICARDA, him Salawat, rubbing more.
But
these are the people it says true.
give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, who say when
afflicted with a disaster that truly to Allah we belong and truly
to Him is our return. They are those to whom descend the
blessings and receive the mercy of the Lord. If you do this, you get
blessings from Allah and mercy from Allah. Because you have just
secured yourself with the best of security you've just employed. In
a metaphorical sense, the best security firm for yourself. When a
guy leaves sort of working or not being warmer, what would I go home
and work to do data guided ones because they know what to do.
They understand what to do, Allah has guided them to do the right
thing in this situation.
condolence is done by praying for the disease to be helped and
pardoned, since they will receive the benefit of such prayers.
condolence is a sincere expression of sympathy, a sincere expression
of sympathy. You feel it with your hearts, to share the sorrow of
these stressful moments, to place yourself with them, then it feels
better.
There's many of us who are so focused on their career, on their
work on themselves, that if somebody even complains to them
about the illness or whatever, they don't know how to deal with
it. They can't show empathy.
They feel like a fish out of water. And anybody that's
observing that situation.
I mean, it could be an absolute misjudgment, as well, but they can
see that this person doesn't know how to they, they want to get rid
of this as soon as possible. They just want to say a few things and
then move on to business. Allah forgive me if I've misjudged
somebody, but once I saw an exchange like that I was sitting
in a bank waiting, and those that stand at the door, you know, of
the bank to help people in, I think one person, one woman was
telling the about some story, you know about a great story. And you
could tell Oh, and again, I could be misjudging but you could tell
that this bank employee
They seem to be very career oriented, the way they dressed and
everything like that. It was just trying to like quickly complete
that.
Complete that discussion and move on to professional discussion.
Maybe they told to do? I don't I don't know. But there wasn't much
empathy there was just about Yes, yes. And, you know, yeah, kind of
a false smile, and then
getting back to business.
But that taught me a lesson. The reason I'm mentioning this is not
to just, you know, it taught me a lesson, that
this is how you could come across sometimes, if you're too self
selfish.
And one was, to be able to exclude that sympathy, one must feel that
pain that the other person is feeling. And sometimes when you're
in a hurry, when you're focused on something else, you can't do that.
See, person like myself, I'll come out of the masjid. And there'll be
two people who want to speak to you.
And sometimes, the other person is waiting, this person is speaking,
this has not been fixed as a meeting. This is just spontaneous.
So
this person is taking a bit longer, but they've got something
important to say, you're worried about the other person, that
they're waiting for you as well, they have equal rights.
You know, maybe you're speaking to that person, this person came in
sometimes and said, can I quickly speak service, so you can speak to
them first. So it's a very difficult thing to balance.
So I learned a big lesson from that, that you have to feel.
But then you shouldn't feel it too much that you eventually can't
function.
The kind of horror stories you hear sometimes with people, if you
were to dawn on them so much, he would spoil your life. So as a
counselor, there has to be that strength within within you to be
able to deal with that condolences done by praying for the deceased
to be helped and pardon since they will receive the benefits of such
prayers, condolences, a sincere expression of sympathy, and to
share the sorrow of these stressful moments immunomodulator
anyone be healthy report with a fair authority sound chain
that a Muslim who consults other Muslims suffering from a calamity
will be awarded a dress of dignity by Allah on the Day of Judgment.
So there's a reward for what you're doing, listening to
somebody, and reacting in a way that will make them happy or
alleviate some of that problem, maybe not all.
And subhanAllah we sometimes is, I will tell people that
unfortunately, I can't be of too much help as you can appreciate
it. But you say a few things that will make things easier.
It just helps sometimes for you to listen, for them to speak to
somebody that much helps sometimes a lot.
When offering condolences about a plight that befalls a relative
friend or acquaintance, it is kind to pray for the dead, say a prayer
similar to that reported by Muslim
in which the profits and the losses are set to almost Salem at
the death of her husband.
Oh Allah, forgive Abu Salam, elevated status among the guy that
people and look after the family that he left behind, oh Lord of
the universe, forgive him, forgive us and him, comfort him in his
grave and lighten his state.
Your conversation with anguish people should be aimed at
mitigating their agony by mentioning the reward of patience.
Make sure that that is one of the ingredients of what you speak
about. That patience is necessary here, that you get huge rewards
for the patients that you have to do. We have no choice but to be
patients. Complaining doesn't get us anywhere. So patients is our
lot. And we get a huge reward for that. So make that one of the main
themes of what we discuss
and
the temporary nature of the world
and that the hereafter is the everlasting life.
In this respect, it is desirable to reiterate certain verses of the
Quran, the Quran, the sayings of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam are
some of the well spoken condolences of our ancestors. You
may mean mentioned the saying of Allah give glad tidings to those
who patiently endure which is why she was actually sobbing in London
either or cyber to receive that call. We know the law, you're in
it, you're on your own.
You may quote another verse called Lunasin that cultural note, every
soul should have a taste of death. And only on the day of judgment
should you be paid your full recompense. That's when you will
get your full reward.
This world is not the world in which you hope for your full
reward.
Only those who are safe far from the fine admits into the garden
will have attained the object of this life. The objective of this
life, for the life of the world is but good
and
ways of deception and such are Allah's words, all this is on
earth, all that is on earth will perish, but Allah will abide
forever.
All that is on earth will perish.
Now one way up, cowwege rhombic will Jalali will Ekrem
only the countenance of your Lord will remain. You mentioned
mentioned some of the scenes of the Prophet sallallahu It was then
reported by Muslim and others Oh Allah reward my calamity and
replace replace my loss for a better one.
reward me for the calamity you've put me in and give me
something better.
And what relate what is reached by Bukhari Muslim, it is Allah that
takes and it is He Who gives, and he prescribes a certain destiny
for every matter. Another Hadith, in which the Prophet sallallahu
Sallam mourn the death of his son, Ibrahim, he said My eye is a
tearful, it's okay to shed a few tears. My heart is full of
anguish. It's also allowed to express that and that we will say
only what pleases our Lord, we will act in the right manner,
which is
Oh, you brought him your loss filled us with sorrow.
So it's completely fine to cry. In fact, some say that when you do
lose a very close one, it is actually healthy to make sure you
cry at that time. Otherwise, if you don't release this, it will
stay pent up and it could come out in ways that are
harmful afterwards. On what to do hardtop used to say every day we
are told that so and so has just stayed. One day it will be said
Omar has died.
You may allude to the saying of the just Khalifa Mooroopna
Abdulaziz, a person who is not separated from them by living
father is indeed deep rooted in death. The honored has an old
basally that Oh, some of them you're nothing but mere days.
That's all we are.
We're just days. Whenever a day passes away, a part of you pass
away passes away. He also said that Allah ordained that the
ultimate resting place of believers will be paradise no
less.
murky, no DNR said the wedding of the one who fears Allah is the Day
of Judgment. A poet says passing the days we are content. Passing a
day brings us near the end. Another poet said, offering
condolences we trust not living long. The manner of this religion
we follow along the console and the consoling may live today.
Tomorrow though they'll vanish away.
Another one says we die and live every night and day. One day we
will die and move away.
Life is but a ship afloat. We think it's still but running is
the boat.
He says finally I've quoted all of these appropriate morning
quotations because I have witnessed many inappropriate
conversations and talk by people offering sympathy. People say the
wrong things.
Morning hearts are depressed with Anguish and Sorrow. Be sensitive
and select a suitable topic for your conversation.
Attempt to lift the spirits of the bereaved family. The great scholar
monsoon reviews as Dan said, sorrow and sadness will increase
rewards, has an bacillary pointed out that this painful state will
gradually pass away. But our sins will remain with us forever. He
said every sad anguish will diminish except anguish over sins.
I thought IGNOU a be Muslim points out that the life is full of
challenges and events. A believer would not be happy for one
complete day.
I remember once we went to visit an ill person and there was
another person also come to visit.
And he started discussing how another individual who's got
nothing to do that family or anything has caused him trouble
and problems and how bad he is and so on just a totally irrelevant
discussion. Nobody could say anything to and finally, I had to
defuse the situation. I told him I said, look, it's not appropriate
to talk about let's talk about something else. Right. I
appreciate you had some issues. Let's talk about something else. I
changed the subject because otherwise it was causing misery.
To the other people whose the son was the the person who's, who
died, his son was sitting there. And I'm sure he would have got
very angry if this guy carried on.
So you have to defuse the situation like that. It's totally
inappropriate for that kind of discussion. That's what the Sheikh
is saying that the reason I've said all of this is because I want
to teach people what to say what others have said. Because people
just don't know what to say in those situations.
I've seen people who are, who think they're very proud, who are
very arrogant, who think they can say what they want, and they
generally get away with it for quite a while. But with a number
of them, what you see at the end of life is that life brings
misery. And something really bad happens to such people sometimes.
They've heard so many people over the past, they've heard so many
people over the past
with their tongue, and absolutely no discrimination of the way they
spoke.
And there's one individual like that may Allah remove his of his
problems now, but the such individual who was just like that,
and at an old age, he's kicked out of his house by his wife and his
son.
And he's living in a one room now where he's got a massive house
which he doesn't have access to. And an old age.
So Allah knows best Allah help him Hello, bustle. Allah forgive us
all. Allahu mantis. Hello Monica. Santa Monica Theodor janati.
Willing Crom along me Are you a human medical study? Allah
Muttahida KHUDOBIN Amina neufeldt where I'm at and I'm in a real
world scenario where I even I'm in law here in Qatar Doha to let you
do so do a lot more sipping oedema. Taheebo COVID, you will
fail you will have anyone near a law which should be modeled on a
lot of math you know, which I know that eliminated. Hola. Hola. Yeah,
you have to use the rahmati kind of study Allahu
Allah Allah Allah Allah Subhana Allah in condemning of Lonnie
mean,
Allah except our doors, Oh Allah, accept them meager worship that we
do. Oh Allah, we ask that you enhance our character for us. Oh
Allah, we ask that you allow us to interact, to speak, to act and to
deal in the way that makes you satisfied and happy of Allah We
ask that you enliven our lives with the sun know your messenger
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, that you give us greater interest in
learning about our religion and learning the beautiful way of the
prophetic the Prophetic teachings and allow us to have the company
of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in the hereafter in the
highest levels of metal fair dose. Our Allah help and assist our
Muslim brothers and sisters around the world remove detriment Oh
ALLAH elevate your Connemara Ilaha illa Allah make us worthy of being
true representatives of the faith of Islam, oh Allah and true
representatives to representatives that worship you of Allah We ask
that you fill our hearts with your love and the love of those who
love you. We ask that you give us the Tofik to remember you and for
you on your remembrance to emanate from every part of our body of
Allah we ask that You grant us the Kadima La Ilaha illa Allah on our
deathbed.
Oh Allah protect our children protect our progeny until the day
of judgment from all the evils that are out there. Oh Allah,
Allah, Allah, we ask that you assist us have mercy on us have
compassion for us. So Hannah will be carbonized here now you'll see
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