Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – 7 Advices for Husbands

Advice to husbands Okay? Women, you don't have to listen to this.

If you don't want to.

First thing, men. All right, affection.

Affection, women need their affection.

If you're a hard hearted guy who can't show love and affection,

you're not in a good marriage, women love affection.

One of the primary needs of your wife is in marriages affection.

You know, you may know yourself that you love her. You may claim

in your mind, I love my wife too. But you may tell her that

everybody else but you don't tell her that.

All right, you may be loving her in your heart, you may be going

out and working so that you can support her and your children. But

does this show enough support? Sorry, does this show enough that

you love her? answer is no.

Right? The answer is no. Your wife needs to be shown that you love

her. Whether that is by telling her soul, doing kind things for

her and showing gestures of affection.

This includes, I'm going to be very clear about this. This

includes touching her in a way that is not sexual all the time.

So it's on not only when you want sexual fulfillment that you touch

her. But there's an affectionate touch that is beyond sexuality.

Right?

For example, this could be a hug, holding a hand, stroking the hair,

or taking time to just sit by side by side might sound a bit weird,

if you've never done it before, right? But this is these are

things which are very important. What you have to remember is that

human touch appears to be an innate need of, of humans, humans

love touch.

Studies show that touch contains several health benefits from our

psychological and physical for our psychological and physiological

well being. For instance, studies show that holding hands with the

spat with the spouse helps to dissipate stress. How does holding

hand with your spouse help to dissipate stress? These are

studies I'm talking about this is not just emotional ideas I'm

talking about. Because when you hug somebody and touch somebody,

it induces a hormone, which is called the bonding hormone,

oxytocin. Right now they've actually figured it out to this

level, that oxytocin is dissipated. Sorry, it is induced

to to die. It's a bonding hormone, which helps to lower the heart

rate and the blood pressure, it reduces stress, and it reduces the

bad hormone level of cortisol. Cortisol is a bad hormone, which

is when you're demoralized, when you don't appreciate something,

slowly, slowly, you get a leak of cortisol, and that makes you

really feel bad. So what you want instead is you want

the good hormone, oxytocin. So it removes the cortisol levels, and

it increases a sense of security and trust. This is exactly what

the article says about this. The studies show this, these small

things, they make a big difference. And they need to be

done on a regular basis to remind your wife that you do have an

affection towards her.

Don't just feel you have eviction, show that affection.

Number two,

be a man.

I'm talking to husbands right, says Be a man.

Your role in the marriage is to be the man. Now that being a man does

not mean that you throw your weight around and you be lazy, and

expect everything to be provided to you on a plate. And you leave

your things laying around when you take your clothes off, for

example. And you assume that they're going to be cleaned up

after you. But no, it means to be a real man, not your cultural man

from messed up cultures. Right? You should strive to read more of

the Sierra to find out what a true man is and the best man that lived

the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam be chivalrous and

dignified self respect. Don't expect the wife to go and earn and

you don't work, right, or to you know to do things that a man

should be doing.

Act maturely. Learn what good relationship means. When you play

the role as the true man of the family. Your wife can then act as

the true woman of the family.

Allah's Messenger SallAllahu Sallam would help at home,

patching his own clothes he was patched his own clothes, milking

the animals and serving himself and his family. When you're when

you do this inshallah your wife will love you more. And it will

create love and positivity. If you do not, for example, fix the

broken tap or get the car repaired. Is that a man's job or a

woman's job?

I mean, according to modern they'll tell you. It's anybody

As John, just like you should be changing nappies, diapers.

We're talking about from

tried and tested cultures of

1000s of generations, not this new modern idea where there is so

fluid that it doesn't really make a difference. You don't even know

if you're a man or a woman anymore.

I mean, how can they be gender roles when you don't even know if

you're a man or woman? Anyone? You can change that? Do you see what

I'm saying?

If you don't, bro, fix the broken tab or get the car repaired, and

the situation remains like that for many months, your wife will

eventually right? be unable to put up with these things, and she may

get it done herself. Can you see how she's gonna have to play the

role of the man in the house now it's going to upset the balance.

If you want her to be womanly, then you need to be manly and sort

things out. Similarly, a man who makes his wife financially

responsible and forces her to work is simply an oppressor

because the man is supposed to be providing the money.

The professor also made a deal between Aisha sorry, Fatima and

alira the Allahu Anhu. So alira The Fatima and his his daughter

Alia or the Allah one who is his cousin. Right? Once his cousin

wants his daughter they married together, and mashallah he

distributed the work between them that idea, then we'll do the

external work, and 14 out of the Allahu anha being the daughter

practices, and we'll do the internal work. So that was number

three. Number three, that was number two. Number three.

The first one was showing affection. Second one was being

the man number three is to praise and compliment.

Tell your wife, what do you mean by praise and compliment wasn't

affection, enough praise and compliment women love to be

praised and complimented, tell your wife She's beautiful and do

it regularly.

You might say well, she's not beautiful.

Tell her she's beautiful. She her beauty and do it regularly. And

most especially for Muslim women who don't flaunt themselves out

in, in public on Facebook, and have all of these likes. And now

you look so wonderful and gorgeous. And all the rest of it.

Right? Who's going to show her who's going to appreciate her. If

the husband doesn't appreciate her husband has to appreciate

you sometimes the sole source of her physical admiration,

especially in our time in the fashion and beauty industries,

they promote unrealistic expectations of women, your wife

will also not be immune to the insecurities about her appearance,

because everybody wants to look beautiful today, they have to make

themselves look good, even if they're not. Right. There's a lot

of insecurity about this and 25% of teenagers with girls are

depressed.

Today 25% of all teenage girls are depressed because of these

expectations. By reminding her that she's beautiful, you will

give her more confidence and then she will be also more inclined to

keep her up her appearance and make an effort for you in return.

Otherwise, she'll just be depressed. That was number three,

number four, to the men, right? Again, advice to the men looking

nice for her. You think it's just her job to look nice for you

looking nice for her. It's very important. Make an effort. And

generally the emphasis is on the women to maintain her figure wear

nice clothes and so on. But it goes the other way around as well.

I've talked to several people about this and he's saying that if

you're not going to exercise and you're not going to try to keep up

your shape and you're going to be smelly and hairy and so on. That's

going to put her off and then you're worried like why did why

don't I have a good time? Why don't I get a response we men need

to the Abdullayev no Ibis are the Allahu Anhu is reported to have

said that I like to adorn myself for my wife just as I like her to

adorn herself for me because Allah

subhanaw taala may his name be elevated says and every woman have

rights similar to those of men over them in kindness. So if it's

your right for her to dress up for you and look nice that it's her

right for you to dress up for her as well. He said

make sure that you basically keep up on your personal hygiene

washing, brushing combing dressing yourself nice. So obviously sooner

for men to wear perfumes. Be careful of the perfumes you do use

because sometimes women don't like the heavy ones. You know, you may

get the most expensive route, but she's gonna hate that route. Like

what is the smell? Right? You may get a very strong must that cost

200 pounds, you know for so many grams and she won't like it. So

many men who unfortunately there's some who are in a rigorous gym

routine before they get married. And then after they get married

and they start getting all this food they become fat and you know

unhealthy they stopped going to the gym and everything. Right?

Your wife is the one you should you're supposed to be in

icing. The fifth point is, don't expect your wife to be like your

mother.

Don't expect your wife to be like your mother.

If this is the case, and you want your wife to be like your mother,

then it's probably better for you to stay living with your mother,

rather than to get married. Because your wife is not going to

be like your mother.

Your wife is an independent person, she's got her own personal

preferences, unique ways of doing things, she will not cook exactly

the same as your mother. So avoid making such comparisons. And if

you want her to cook like your mother, then you're going to have

to have

your mother train her in a way that works for both.

For example, you

want your biryani to be made the way your mother used to make it,

then you're going to have to give her training. And that could take

a long time. And your mom has to be willing to teach her with

patience. And she has to be willing to learn it with patience.

The best way to avoid the wife versus mother difficulty because

generally when you have a mother in law daughter in law problem,

the husband is caught in between. And if he doesn't play this

properly, it can become really aggravated.

So the best way to avoid that is for husbands to give the due right

to both their mothers and their spouse to act as a husband and a

son. Simultaneously, it's very difficult. But that's the way to

encourage a healthy relationship between them. And don't expect

imitations and then that plays one against the other and causes a

bigger problem because you will suffer. So don't expect your wife

to be like your mother. And number six, listen to her.

When I say listen to her

understand what I mean.

Women often often prefer to talk through their feelings, to work

things out. When they want to work something out, they want to talk

through the feelings as opposed to many men who typically want to

just spend time alone to work through their feelings. Men,

sometimes they want to just go over their thoughts in their own

way. Whereas a lot of women, they like to talk about their feelings

to get out.

So sometimes, your wife will want to talk to you. Well, she'll just

want to talk.

And we'll need you to provide a friendly listening ear.

She may not require them concrete solutions or outcome, she may not

even want you to say anything, she just wants you to listen, she just

wants a sounding board to talk for

this may be very different from how you operate within a Why can't

she just do this in her own way?

Right. So if you're, if your spouse speaks a lot, you need to

learn to multitask. Sometimes you may be doing something and your

spouse comes and wants to talk to you. So you have to learn them to

multitask to do the thing while you're listening. But there's one

message one warning, I'll give you here. One advice that you should

never pretend to be listening.

Because you'll get caught out. What did I just say?

Right? Five minutes ago, you see what I'm saying. So it's quite

common like for a person when he's when they're browsing on their

phone. Or maybe they're watching a YouTube video that they got on

their WhatsApp somebody sent. Or they're in a whatsapp

communication. And then also trying to say listening to the

spouse. That's not good practice.

If you're if you can't multitask properly, where you're listening

and doing because some tasks you can't do while you're listening,

then you should stop what you're doing turn to face her pay full

attention. And this is the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu someone

communicating somebody that he would actually turn fully to face

them.

So what I do is that if I'm doing some work on the computer, and I

can multitask, I'll do that. But where I know I can't give both do

then I'll say, either hold on, let me just finish this off. Or I'll

stop this. And I'll say, Okay, let me let me deal with this first.

Number seven,

positive encouragement.

As a husband, you have to respect and encourage your wife's

interests as well. She'll have her own personal interests, you may

want to actually make her have an interest in something to take up

some of the time that she has for free, including helping making

time for them. This particularly I mean, this applies even more

particularly once a woman has children because the job of taking

care of young children and the real effort that they have to that

is required to run a home is not a small thing. Right men think it's

so easy for women just to deal with it. A woman can very easily

find herself giving up all of

herself and her time to others with no time left for herself.

Sometimes that happens. Right? It might seem useful for you, on the

surface that you your wife devotes more and more of a time to help

you and the children. But in reality, if she loses a sense of

self worth, and individual identity, she will be of no use to

anybody in depression.

She has to remain a viable living person and not just serving

everybody.

The expectation of constant sacrifice that culture sometimes

require from the wife, and that her wider interest beyond being a

wife and mother should disappear. That's not Islamic, necessarily. I

mean, aside from normal, other interest, I mean, the husband's

responsibility is also to encourage his wife to study Islam

further. And the reason I say that the husband should be encouraging

wife to do this, because that applies to both spouses, the wife

should be encouraging the husband as well. But really, in our

community in our society, during the women face more obstacles in

the path of seeking sacred knowledge than men do. When men go

to the masjid, they may be a visiting scholar, they may be

scholars there, they have much closer access than women do to

scholarship. Right? So that's why your wife needs the sound

knowledge. Right? Why? Because the mother's lap is the first mother

as far as the saying goes. So your wife needs sound knowledge so that

she can be the most effective, first madrasa for your children.

So there's a benefit for everybody in here. If you're supportive,

then this won't be too difficult for her that you're giving her.

You're looking after the children sometimes when she can take class,

and so on. So that was positive encouragement. So those are seven

points directed at men to focus on their wives.