Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – 7 Advices for Husbands
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Advice to husbands Okay? Women, you don't have to listen to this.
If you don't want to.
First thing, men. All right, affection.
Affection, women need their affection.
If you're a hard hearted guy who can't show love and affection,
you're not in a good marriage, women love affection.
One of the primary needs of your wife is in marriages affection.
You know, you may know yourself that you love her. You may claim
in your mind, I love my wife too. But you may tell her that
everybody else but you don't tell her that.
All right, you may be loving her in your heart, you may be going
out and working so that you can support her and your children. But
does this show enough support? Sorry, does this show enough that
you love her? answer is no.
Right? The answer is no. Your wife needs to be shown that you love
her. Whether that is by telling her soul, doing kind things for
her and showing gestures of affection.
This includes, I'm going to be very clear about this. This
includes touching her in a way that is not sexual all the time.
So it's on not only when you want sexual fulfillment that you touch
her. But there's an affectionate touch that is beyond sexuality.
Right?
For example, this could be a hug, holding a hand, stroking the hair,
or taking time to just sit by side by side might sound a bit weird,
if you've never done it before, right? But this is these are
things which are very important. What you have to remember is that
human touch appears to be an innate need of, of humans, humans
love touch.
Studies show that touch contains several health benefits from our
psychological and physical for our psychological and physiological
well being. For instance, studies show that holding hands with the
spat with the spouse helps to dissipate stress. How does holding
hand with your spouse help to dissipate stress? These are
studies I'm talking about this is not just emotional ideas I'm
talking about. Because when you hug somebody and touch somebody,
it induces a hormone, which is called the bonding hormone,
oxytocin. Right now they've actually figured it out to this
level, that oxytocin is dissipated. Sorry, it is induced
to to die. It's a bonding hormone, which helps to lower the heart
rate and the blood pressure, it reduces stress, and it reduces the
bad hormone level of cortisol. Cortisol is a bad hormone, which
is when you're demoralized, when you don't appreciate something,
slowly, slowly, you get a leak of cortisol, and that makes you
really feel bad. So what you want instead is you want
the good hormone, oxytocin. So it removes the cortisol levels, and
it increases a sense of security and trust. This is exactly what
the article says about this. The studies show this, these small
things, they make a big difference. And they need to be
done on a regular basis to remind your wife that you do have an
affection towards her.
Don't just feel you have eviction, show that affection.
Number two,
be a man.
I'm talking to husbands right, says Be a man.
Your role in the marriage is to be the man. Now that being a man does
not mean that you throw your weight around and you be lazy, and
expect everything to be provided to you on a plate. And you leave
your things laying around when you take your clothes off, for
example. And you assume that they're going to be cleaned up
after you. But no, it means to be a real man, not your cultural man
from messed up cultures. Right? You should strive to read more of
the Sierra to find out what a true man is and the best man that lived
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam be chivalrous and
dignified self respect. Don't expect the wife to go and earn and
you don't work, right, or to you know to do things that a man
should be doing.
Act maturely. Learn what good relationship means. When you play
the role as the true man of the family. Your wife can then act as
the true woman of the family.
Allah's Messenger SallAllahu Sallam would help at home,
patching his own clothes he was patched his own clothes, milking
the animals and serving himself and his family. When you're when
you do this inshallah your wife will love you more. And it will
create love and positivity. If you do not, for example, fix the
broken tap or get the car repaired. Is that a man's job or a
woman's job?
I mean, according to modern they'll tell you. It's anybody
As John, just like you should be changing nappies, diapers.
We're talking about from
tried and tested cultures of
1000s of generations, not this new modern idea where there is so
fluid that it doesn't really make a difference. You don't even know
if you're a man or a woman anymore.
I mean, how can they be gender roles when you don't even know if
you're a man or woman? Anyone? You can change that? Do you see what
I'm saying?
If you don't, bro, fix the broken tab or get the car repaired, and
the situation remains like that for many months, your wife will
eventually right? be unable to put up with these things, and she may
get it done herself. Can you see how she's gonna have to play the
role of the man in the house now it's going to upset the balance.
If you want her to be womanly, then you need to be manly and sort
things out. Similarly, a man who makes his wife financially
responsible and forces her to work is simply an oppressor
because the man is supposed to be providing the money.
The professor also made a deal between Aisha sorry, Fatima and
alira the Allahu Anhu. So alira The Fatima and his his daughter
Alia or the Allah one who is his cousin. Right? Once his cousin
wants his daughter they married together, and mashallah he
distributed the work between them that idea, then we'll do the
external work, and 14 out of the Allahu anha being the daughter
practices, and we'll do the internal work. So that was number
three. Number three, that was number two. Number three.
The first one was showing affection. Second one was being
the man number three is to praise and compliment.
Tell your wife, what do you mean by praise and compliment wasn't
affection, enough praise and compliment women love to be
praised and complimented, tell your wife She's beautiful and do
it regularly.
You might say well, she's not beautiful.
Tell her she's beautiful. She her beauty and do it regularly. And
most especially for Muslim women who don't flaunt themselves out
in, in public on Facebook, and have all of these likes. And now
you look so wonderful and gorgeous. And all the rest of it.
Right? Who's going to show her who's going to appreciate her. If
the husband doesn't appreciate her husband has to appreciate
you sometimes the sole source of her physical admiration,
especially in our time in the fashion and beauty industries,
they promote unrealistic expectations of women, your wife
will also not be immune to the insecurities about her appearance,
because everybody wants to look beautiful today, they have to make
themselves look good, even if they're not. Right. There's a lot
of insecurity about this and 25% of teenagers with girls are
depressed.
Today 25% of all teenage girls are depressed because of these
expectations. By reminding her that she's beautiful, you will
give her more confidence and then she will be also more inclined to
keep her up her appearance and make an effort for you in return.
Otherwise, she'll just be depressed. That was number three,
number four, to the men, right? Again, advice to the men looking
nice for her. You think it's just her job to look nice for you
looking nice for her. It's very important. Make an effort. And
generally the emphasis is on the women to maintain her figure wear
nice clothes and so on. But it goes the other way around as well.
I've talked to several people about this and he's saying that if
you're not going to exercise and you're not going to try to keep up
your shape and you're going to be smelly and hairy and so on. That's
going to put her off and then you're worried like why did why
don't I have a good time? Why don't I get a response we men need
to the Abdullayev no Ibis are the Allahu Anhu is reported to have
said that I like to adorn myself for my wife just as I like her to
adorn herself for me because Allah
subhanaw taala may his name be elevated says and every woman have
rights similar to those of men over them in kindness. So if it's
your right for her to dress up for you and look nice that it's her
right for you to dress up for her as well. He said
make sure that you basically keep up on your personal hygiene
washing, brushing combing dressing yourself nice. So obviously sooner
for men to wear perfumes. Be careful of the perfumes you do use
because sometimes women don't like the heavy ones. You know, you may
get the most expensive route, but she's gonna hate that route. Like
what is the smell? Right? You may get a very strong must that cost
200 pounds, you know for so many grams and she won't like it. So
many men who unfortunately there's some who are in a rigorous gym
routine before they get married. And then after they get married
and they start getting all this food they become fat and you know
unhealthy they stopped going to the gym and everything. Right?
Your wife is the one you should you're supposed to be in
icing. The fifth point is, don't expect your wife to be like your
mother.
Don't expect your wife to be like your mother.
If this is the case, and you want your wife to be like your mother,
then it's probably better for you to stay living with your mother,
rather than to get married. Because your wife is not going to
be like your mother.
Your wife is an independent person, she's got her own personal
preferences, unique ways of doing things, she will not cook exactly
the same as your mother. So avoid making such comparisons. And if
you want her to cook like your mother, then you're going to have
to have
your mother train her in a way that works for both.
For example, you
want your biryani to be made the way your mother used to make it,
then you're going to have to give her training. And that could take
a long time. And your mom has to be willing to teach her with
patience. And she has to be willing to learn it with patience.
The best way to avoid the wife versus mother difficulty because
generally when you have a mother in law daughter in law problem,
the husband is caught in between. And if he doesn't play this
properly, it can become really aggravated.
So the best way to avoid that is for husbands to give the due right
to both their mothers and their spouse to act as a husband and a
son. Simultaneously, it's very difficult. But that's the way to
encourage a healthy relationship between them. And don't expect
imitations and then that plays one against the other and causes a
bigger problem because you will suffer. So don't expect your wife
to be like your mother. And number six, listen to her.
When I say listen to her
understand what I mean.
Women often often prefer to talk through their feelings, to work
things out. When they want to work something out, they want to talk
through the feelings as opposed to many men who typically want to
just spend time alone to work through their feelings. Men,
sometimes they want to just go over their thoughts in their own
way. Whereas a lot of women, they like to talk about their feelings
to get out.
So sometimes, your wife will want to talk to you. Well, she'll just
want to talk.
And we'll need you to provide a friendly listening ear.
She may not require them concrete solutions or outcome, she may not
even want you to say anything, she just wants you to listen, she just
wants a sounding board to talk for
this may be very different from how you operate within a Why can't
she just do this in her own way?
Right. So if you're, if your spouse speaks a lot, you need to
learn to multitask. Sometimes you may be doing something and your
spouse comes and wants to talk to you. So you have to learn them to
multitask to do the thing while you're listening. But there's one
message one warning, I'll give you here. One advice that you should
never pretend to be listening.
Because you'll get caught out. What did I just say?
Right? Five minutes ago, you see what I'm saying. So it's quite
common like for a person when he's when they're browsing on their
phone. Or maybe they're watching a YouTube video that they got on
their WhatsApp somebody sent. Or they're in a whatsapp
communication. And then also trying to say listening to the
spouse. That's not good practice.
If you're if you can't multitask properly, where you're listening
and doing because some tasks you can't do while you're listening,
then you should stop what you're doing turn to face her pay full
attention. And this is the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu someone
communicating somebody that he would actually turn fully to face
them.
So what I do is that if I'm doing some work on the computer, and I
can multitask, I'll do that. But where I know I can't give both do
then I'll say, either hold on, let me just finish this off. Or I'll
stop this. And I'll say, Okay, let me let me deal with this first.
Number seven,
positive encouragement.
As a husband, you have to respect and encourage your wife's
interests as well. She'll have her own personal interests, you may
want to actually make her have an interest in something to take up
some of the time that she has for free, including helping making
time for them. This particularly I mean, this applies even more
particularly once a woman has children because the job of taking
care of young children and the real effort that they have to that
is required to run a home is not a small thing. Right men think it's
so easy for women just to deal with it. A woman can very easily
find herself giving up all of
herself and her time to others with no time left for herself.
Sometimes that happens. Right? It might seem useful for you, on the
surface that you your wife devotes more and more of a time to help
you and the children. But in reality, if she loses a sense of
self worth, and individual identity, she will be of no use to
anybody in depression.
She has to remain a viable living person and not just serving
everybody.
The expectation of constant sacrifice that culture sometimes
require from the wife, and that her wider interest beyond being a
wife and mother should disappear. That's not Islamic, necessarily. I
mean, aside from normal, other interest, I mean, the husband's
responsibility is also to encourage his wife to study Islam
further. And the reason I say that the husband should be encouraging
wife to do this, because that applies to both spouses, the wife
should be encouraging the husband as well. But really, in our
community in our society, during the women face more obstacles in
the path of seeking sacred knowledge than men do. When men go
to the masjid, they may be a visiting scholar, they may be
scholars there, they have much closer access than women do to
scholarship. Right? So that's why your wife needs the sound
knowledge. Right? Why? Because the mother's lap is the first mother
as far as the saying goes. So your wife needs sound knowledge so that
she can be the most effective, first madrasa for your children.
So there's a benefit for everybody in here. If you're supportive,
then this won't be too difficult for her that you're giving her.
You're looking after the children sometimes when she can take class,
and so on. So that was positive encouragement. So those are seven
points directed at men to focus on their wives.