Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – 10 Advices for Women in Dealing With Their Husbands
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Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala so you didn't
want to sullied our other early he also be edgy Marina Amma.
Since human beings are social creatures.
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam remained within his
community, especially after receiving prophecy, you generally
hear that before he received prophethood, he would go and
retreat into the cave, where he would do his meditation, he would
do his worship. After receiving the revelation, you don't
generally hear that he went back, his whole job became a very social
oriented one, where he was working with the people he was trying to
guide people to Allah subhanahu wa, tada, human beings are very
social creatures, we benefit from one another, we are influenced by
one another, and we influence one another.
Every human being has a different relationships in their life, we
have relationships with our parents, which has to be fulfilled
in a particular way, we have relationships with our children,
if we have children, and they have to be fulfilled and dealt with in
a particular way, there's differences in the way a person
deals with their relationship with their parents, and as compared to
their relationship with their children. Then, of course, we have
relationships with our spouses, if we're married, then we have
relationships with others, we have relationships with the environment
surrounding us, basically, or everything that we interact with,
and we deal with around the world. In our lives, there is a different
relationship that has to be exercised. And there are obviously
many crossovers there are some certain universal rules. And of
course, if a person is of good luck and good character and good
behavior, good conduct, the person has a good heart is filled with
gentleness, compassion, and care and concern for others, then that
in itself will work through all of these, all of these relationships,
all of these associations, there will be a benefit that will be
gained through this particular characteristic of the person. On
the other hand, if a person is prone to certain weaknesses, for
example, excessive anger, excessive greed, or anything else
of that nature, then again, this will come into play, whether a
person is dealing with their parents, or with their children,
they may be stingy in spending on their children, with their spouse,
they will be stingy, they will be greedy, they may be selfish, and
it comes with everything else. So any particular characteristic a
person has is going to influence other things, there is no doubt
about that. That's why working on the core is really, really
helpful, because then it will provide benefits in a very broad
spectrum. And the spectrum we're speaking about is very extensive
in terms of our different relationships we have, and it can
really, really make or break a person. And that's very important
for us to keep in mind. We don't have the time today to talk about
all of these relationships. But after this preliminary, this
preliminary discussion on the importance of, of various
relationships, and how to deal with them, and a centralized focus
of correcting the core, o'clock behavior and faculties so that it
can help all of these things, I want to specifically specifically
speak about one very important relationship. Now since this is a
sisters program, I'm going to speak purely for the sisters,
there's no point me providing discussion for both sides at this
point in time, because it's purely in the short time that we have, I
want to speak to the sisters. So when it comes to women, just like
with men, they have to deal with a number of relationships, for
example, they're going to deal with their children, with their
parents, with the society around them. But one of the most
important relationships, which sometimes
actually governs many of these other relationships, which is once
a woman is married, and she becomes a wife to a husband, then
that relationship becomes extremely important. In many
cases, that relationship sometimes even becomes more important.
Because of the closeness because of the constant company. It
becomes even more important than sometimes relationships with the
parents. I'm not trying to diminish the relationship with
parents, but what I'm saying is that the relationship between the
spouse can sometimes make or break, enhance or endanger the
relationship with one's own parents as well. So this
relationship is something that we need to invest a great amount in.
And that is very important to to invest in that. They say that no
journey is too long when you have a good companion whenever you're
traveling and if you have a really good companion the time just
passes by. It doesn't seem drawn out didn't seem prolonged. It
doesn't seem lengthy, and it doesn't seem long winded. If you
have a really good good companion
and time flies you benefit and it's enjoyable life, married life
especially, which is the default recommendation in the Sharia for a
person to be married, that is a very long journey. It spans many,
many years, many decades. It, it takes within it, it comprises
within it, illnesses, successes, failures, and many, many other
achievements and many other milestones. So how does one deal
with all of these thresholds within this married life? That is
what we're going to be speaking about how to invest, how to
behave, what should be the best best attitude? Now some of us may
say, Well, we have mashallah a very good relationship with our
spouse, and no doubt there are many people who have good
relationship with their spouse Alhamdulillah, we should thank
Allah subhanaw taala for that, however, these things are of
benefit, they will inshallah enhance the points of thought,
weaknesses, if we have with regards to these Inshallah, we can
contemplate and
and improve them inshallah. So, in that regard, the first thing that
we want to, the first thing I want to discuss here is that
I'm, I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm going to be just
really straightforward. I'm going to mention these point, by point
basis, and each one of them will just discuss briefly, the first
thing is, express your feelings and your needs effectively, but
with love, what happens in many, many weddings, and many, many
marriages, and you learn this actually, from your own
experience, and also from listening to other stories,
especially if you're in a position to counsel people, what happens
is, each of the spouses and I'm only speaking from the woman's
perspective, today, she may have expectations of a husband that he
should do this, he should put his coat here, he should ask me to do
this, or he shouldn't do this. But the husband has absolutely no
idea. And it's not because he's not a considerate person, or he's
not a careful person. He's just thinking on a different level. And
she's thinking on a different level. Now what what you must
realize is that even after having lived for 10 years together, 15
years together, and I can say this from experience as well, that you
will realize things about your spouse,
after 15 years of being married to them, which you will then think
that had I known this 15 years ago, it would have mashallah been
much more beneficial. So,
humans are very complicated creatures, every one of you, every
one of us has his own individual story, individual narrative,
individual desires, individual secrets, individual goals in mind,
and certain attitudes to certain things, behavior issues,
behavioral patterns. And although we may notice things over the
years, and things will start doing to us, and the more you live with
somebody, the more you're expected to know about them. But there will
be things that you will actually learn about somebody, even after
15 years, and maybe even 20 and 30 and 40 years, that's absolutely
possible. And you will notice that, so always be willing to
learn, always be willing to learn. But going back to the point,
be very clear in expressing your feelings, but do it with love. So
don't do it harshly. Because what you have to realize is that maybe
the other person is not doing what they're doing with a negative
intention or a negative motive. That's just the way they are.
That's just the way they are. So if you can't express to them, they
will never know. So be very clear, in an effectively communicate with
them that look, I'd like you to do it this way instead. Or if you
could do this, it would be really nice. And then if they're a nice
person, they'll generally say, okay, JazakAllah here, I didn't
know or if they've got a question and they see it differently, then
they might say that, why, though? What's wrong with doing it this
way. And if you've got a strong reason, then you can try to
convince them. But if you don't have a strong enough reason, it's
just a perk of yours, then it's important then that we come and we
meet halfway or we we acquiesce to their point of view. So one needs
to be just very clear, but what you have to realize is that men,
women generally have this problem of have this. This is one of the
issues, they expect things without necessarily communicating them.
And men just don't get it sometimes. So men and women are
very different. And one needs to realize that and if you start
realizing that and giving them the benefit of the doubt, you'll
actually be much better than being frustrated for 1015 years that
he's always doing something in a particular way.
Don't just drop hints, for example, in this regard, don't
just drop hints and then get angry that
They don't get it. That's what happens a lot of the time,
sometimes what what we do is because we expect somebody to be
doing something in a particular way, we don't realize they phased
out they forgotten and that's a human human nature, we forget
things as well. Then we start sometimes dropping hints, and then
we think that's enough. Oh, I've also hinted I've also kind of
indicated that if they still don't get it, then you need to be
effective in your your your communication. What why I say that
this is generally a bit of a weakness on the women's side is
because Allah subhanaw taala says in the Quran, universe, OMA Yuna
shadow Phil Haley at will who will fill he saw me over you rubine
That those who have been read and nurtured and brought up with
adornment, meaning in this luxury of adornments in you know, being
beautified and adorned etc. With adornments, while when it comes to
debating, they are not very clear and articulate well, who will fill
his army or euro marine that they're not very articulate in
their argument. Now, although you may say, Well, women speak a lot
and they can shout a lot. Yes, they can. But that's not argument.
That's just a shouting match. That doesn't really that's not really
of the benefit that we're seeking here. We're talking about calm,
considerate discussion. So don't just expect things to happen, give
them the benefit of the doubt. Now, some of you may be saying,
but I've told him so many times, that's an exception issue. I'm
talking for those people who don't give people who who who don't
speak to their husbands, just expect him to do things and then
keep a grudge or get angry and frustrated for many, many years.
This is one way of relieving that frustration. Number two,
in any husband wife relationship, there's going to be some ups and
downs, right, there's always going to be ups and downs, there's
always going to be some points of contention, but they can be dealt
with. One thing that underlies all of this that I found to be
extremely effective, is you can turn them brownie points. What
that means is that if you if the husband or the wife has been able
to develop enough points going forward in positive times, in good
times in, in nice times, then whenever Then one day, they had an
argument, for example, and maybe they're not even speaking to each
other, they both sulking about it, right, they both sulking, what's
generally going to happen and you know, I'm sure you can understand
this, each partner is going to in their own free time, they're going
to think over this, it's going to be on the head, you know, an
argument, nobody likes an argument, especially with somebody
that you're supposed to love, and that you do love, you don't like
an argument, you're both gonna try to find ways of reconciling,
sometimes the arrogance is gonna get the better and you're not
gonna want to be the first to, to to apologize. That's generally the
contention that happens. But the one thing that does come in mind
at that point is their good points should come in mind. So generally,
even if you're angry at somebody,
your husband, if they've done a lot of good in the past, or you've
done a lot of good to them, and they're thinking about this, then
they're going to think you know, which this is just like an
exception issue that's happened, this is an exceptional occasion.
Exceptional instance, we generally don't argue we have a good time.
So that is going to really help the person to try to reconcile
that's very important is that in general, we want to gain as many
brownie points as possible. So that when there is an issue, and
there generally will be issues, time to time, then a person can
focus on the good, and they will wash over the bad. And they will
make it much easier to reconcile. So the second thing now is that,
let's just say you've got and this works with anybody, whether it's
children, or whether it's your spouse, or anybody else, for that
matter. They've got many issues. Right? Some of you will be shaking
hands, but I've got a husband who's got too many issues, right?
Some some people just unfortunately, have that as an
issue, whether it's a real issue or a perceived issue, that's a
different situation. That's a different issue. So what they're
gonna say, is, there's too many battles. Now you can't fight every
battle. Remember that nobody can fight any battle, not even armies
fight any better, let's silly. You have to be very prudent and very
careful, very considerate of which battles that you're going to pick
to, to fight when I say fight is to deal with. That's what I mean
by that. So be very careful in picking the battles that you need
to deal with. Don't try to correct on every small thing. Otherwise,
it just becomes a teacher student relationship, or a mentor disciple
relationship, which is not the case with a husband and wife and
spouses.
Avoid criticizing negative criticism hardly ever works. Avoid
criticizing negative criticisms hardly ever work.
Some, some women after marriage they want to do is law of their
husbands. They want to act like the shave. So they want to do
Islam and they want to reform their husbands. Don't make this
mistake. Don't make this mistake. There's ways and it takes a while.
If you're going to try to immediately start correcting them
and bring
in them the way around, just like a woman is broken and the Prophet
sallallahu Sallam told him not to do that. The same thing applies
the other way around. Be very careful about that. Instead, what
will really help is a loving and a compassionate attitude towards it
with Taqwa. Do it purely for the sake of Allah. Continue to ask
Allah for that reformation to help and you will see that it will be
much easier to do, it will be much easier to do. You win him over
with your taqwa with your love and your compassion. Something that
comes with love and compassion. Generally win wins any reasonable
men over generally wins any reasonable man over especially if
you're making dua to Allah subhanaw taala have constructive
criticism, criticism, constructive criticism is extremely beneficial
for any relationship. And this is no exception to that constructive
criticism, but needs to be done with praise. It needs to be done
with tact, and that is with praise and acknowledgement of their good.
So they need praise, they need acknowledgement of good otherwise,
if we're constantly going to negatively criticize somebody
without giving them any praise of any good that they do. Then the
person just feels like what's the point? So it's always good to have
praise, but then along with that as well. For example, the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam wanted to see Abdullah Hypno
Abdullah Hypno, Amara, the Allah one improve. He wanted to see him
improve. He saw that he was a really good guy, a young person at
the time, but he wanted to see him improve. So when his sister
narrated a dream that our beloved grandmother didn't had seen, she
rated probably sallallahu alayhi wa sallam the Prophet sallallahu
said near Mullah Abdullah Abdullah Hebner, Omar, we're in, we're in
Salah Bill Lael Wello, Salah believed that the such a great
such a such a good person such a good servant, such a good slave of
Allah. Such a good being is Abdullah Hypno. Omar, if only he
would just start praying at night. So this was a subtle way of
telling him how to improve. So this is praise. Plus, along with
that, you you you give them some criticism of what what would help
them. Alright, shut up the Allahu anha I could say if you read her
story is one of the most amazing individuals in that regard. I
mean, what makes it even more amazing is that she married the
Prophet, she was with the Prophet salallahu Alaihe salam from the
age of nine, though she was married a few years before that,
she started living with him from the age of nine and Madina
Munawwara until she was 18 when he passed away, so literally, she was
a teenager, but she seemed to have the most tact in all of the waves
from what we have learned. She was so amazing that she she just knew
how to pull the prophets of Allah and towards her. Yes, of course,
she was younger, she was a virgin, she had those points going for
her. But there was just something else in the interaction that she
had, for example,
she had numerous I mean, if you look at the poetry in praise of
Rasulullah, sallallahu alayhi salam, a number of those poems are
actually from a shot of the Allahu anha she's a learner chanson what
is Shamcey chanson? The shrimps, we have a son, but the Son has
another son, which is she's talking about a sudo allah
sallallahu sallam, he has a number of other poetry, poems about
Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi salam, one very interesting
interaction between the two, a very personal interaction is that
the prophets of Allah Hassan once said to her, I know when you're
not happy with me, I know when you're a bit, when you're a bit
unhappy with me, you know, because as I said, If the Prophet
salallahu Salam, also in his marital relationship had these
downs, then what's any of our relationships? Why should they be
an exemption from that? So he said, I know when you're unhappy
with me, so she said, how? He said, because then when you swear
an oath, in your conversation, when you swear an oath, you say,
what up? What up? What up be Ibrahim? By the lord of Ibrahim?
And when you're happy with me in general situations, you say, what
Abu Mohammed by the Lord of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam, but when you're angry, then you say the Lord of Ibrahim.
So now imagine that the husband is saying that to his wife, now, she
had so much tact, right? She's not like, Yeah, that's right. She had
so much tax Subhanallah to turn that around as well. And
attractive and more love for Masuda allah sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam, and she definitely succeeded, because they probably
sell a lot of sun loved her more than any of the others, though he
was extremely just in dealing with all the others as well. So she
said, I only drop your name from my verbal speech, you're still in
my heart. So she knew how to deal with these kinds of situations.
And she's a great role model for that. May Allah subhanaw taala
bless her. So that's number two. Number three, try to understand
the other opinion. Try to understand his opinion. A lot of
the time, it's because we don't understand each other. They've got
a different perspective. They've got a different reasoning, they're
seeing a different consequence. We're seeing a different
consequence. They may be more experienced than us and that's why
they're seeing a different consequence. They may
is no a bit more than us in that particular topic, whatever it may
be, try to understand their perspective where they're coming
from. Just try to understand that perspective, that helps a lot,
lot. Don't close your mind, if you close your mind, and you're only
going to think about your own, because there's some people who
become stubborn and obstinate like that. And they say, I don't care
what you say, I don't care, I don't even want to understand it.
Sometimes women are led to say the make these statements just out of
anger. That's not a statement. It's, even if you make that
statement, that shouldn't be your belief. Our belief is we keep our
mind open, we keep we don't close our mind to these things. And we
try to be understanding of the other opinion. And you have to
respect their opinion, even if you even if we disagree with it, we
still have to respect that opinion. How would you respect an
opinion if you don't disagree? If you disagree with it? Right?
That's a important question to deal with.
The way you respect it is that you at least appreciate what they're
saying. You try to understand it, and then you sympathize with them.
But then you say my, I still think my understanding is better, I have
full respect for what you're saying. And I can see the effects
of that I can see the consequences, I can see the the
issues with that. But this is the issue with it. And that's why I
still think this is a better way to do it. So it's just about
healthy argument. And husbands and wives need to do that to have a
healthy argument, right, which is a reasoned one with both on the
same at the same level in understanding these things. The
other thing in this regard is a bring issues up at the right time,
don't find the wrong time to do it, the worst time that you could
do is when he's just a bit knocked out from work, he's tired,
fatigued, tired, intellectually, mentally fatigued, sometimes just
come out of work, just come out of a discussion, or maybe just come
out of the politics at the masjid, whatever it may be sometimes, you
know, that's, that's really harmful for families to come back
from that. And then you're going to bring up some issue he just
doesn't want his mind is stuffed with something else right now. So
just find a time when they're relaxed, go and, you know, go and
find the right moment. And seriously, if you want to be
convincing of someone rather than just have an argument, that's what
you have to ask yourself? Do I just want to argue with that
person? Do I just want to make myself heard? Do I just want to be
the louder one? Do I just want to make a point? Or do I really want
to change and convince someone, you want to convince someone and
change someone. And I know these things are very easy to say, but
they just remind us that inshallah we can improve ourselves, if we
are unable to follow them all the time, find the right moment. And
then what they say is that if you're trying to criticize or
convince somebody standing up, that's more difficult than when
they're sitting down or when they're lying down, husband wife
relationship is perfect to even use the lying down approach where,
where you're relaxed, and you know, give them a bit of a small
massage or something, give him give him something to eat, or
whatever it may be. And then just talk to them that way, that there
is a way to find the right time to bring an issue of timing is
extremely important. It's vital in many cases.
One mistake in this regard is don't ever start such a discussion
in front of children. This is one big mistake, because then what
happens is either spouse, if such a discussion begins in front of
children, then not only does the other spouse have to defend
themselves against what they see as an attack from the other
person. So they're not just losing in front of the person, but
they're now losing in front of their children. And that is very
difficult for anybody's ego to take. So if we're going to argue
in front of the children, just to get themselves to look better in
front of the children, they will become obstinate, and they will
just shout louder than you. So the best thing is never to have these
kinds of discussions because they're not appropriate for
children. They're not appropriate to have in front of children. It's
it's purely a personal thing between the husband and wife. So
be very careful about that. So pick the right time.
Number four,
very important one, speak to your husband. Now you may say, Well,
that's what you've been saying. I said, Yes. Speak to your husband,
not to others about his problems.
One very big setback, one very big weakness and failing is that
people instead of speaking to their husband, you know, and
observing what we've just said until now, they start telling
others, they start telling friends, they start telling their
parents, they start telling their mother they start telling
sometimes their own children. That is very dangerous. If you can't
deal with the person first directly, while others, how are
they going to help you have a very special relationship with your
husband, your mother doesn't, your mother doesn't have the same
relationship that you do with your husband. You know him in and out,
you know, what can help him and what can benefit him and at the
end of the day, you're the one who's going to live with him very
closely. So try to deal with it yourself. And if you then fail,
and you just can't do it, you just can't get through and you need
some help and advice. Then you can ask somebody for sincere advice.
But one thing, especially for those who like to speak a lot
They make this a point of discussion. And it's such a
depressing discussion. What they actually found, I was sitting with
a group of psychologists recently. And one of the questions that I
asked was, well, who's the psychologist of the psychologists.
Because when you're listening to so many stories like this of
people's agony and depression and their problems, then you get
influenced by that. And generally women because they're more
emotional creatures, in general, they become much more influenced
than they than do men, men also become influenced in this. So
avoid listening to people of that nature, if somebody starts
complaining about the husband in front of you turn to stop. Because
seriously, it'll depress you as well, unless you're very strong,
it will depress you as well. I know this from personal experience
from people I've spoken to where they've said that after they
stopped listening to others, and their sad stories of their
husbands, right, just like gossip, then it helped them a lot in their
own relationship. Otherwise, you listen to others, it will affect
you, you will come home, you'll start looking for similar kinds of
negative problems in your own life. And that's just very
negative. If your life is positive with your husband keep it
positive. Why look for negatives. It's like somebody the other day,
he sends me a video that is refuse refuting a scholar. And then he
sends me another one refuting a particular group. And finally, I
had to just respond to him and tell him that why are you even
going to this website, which is refuting everybody in anybody?
Right? Why Why be like a pig that goes and looks for the wrong and
the Haram and the dirt on people go and be like a nightingale that
goes and finds the most beautiful flowers, and the beauty and things
look for that be positive. And especially if you're not having a
bad time, then why make it bad. So be very careful about that. So if
you've got your own issues, don't speak to others speak to your
husband first in the way that I've mentioned before. And of course,
if something doesn't work, and you need some guidance, then ask ALLAH
SubhanA, WA Tada, and then consult somebody for this. Many people,
though, they start talking to others, and this is very, very
dangerous.
Okay, number five.
One is to voice your expectations, what I said before, and voice your
needs to your husband, and be clear about them. But number five
is Be considerate and moderate, moderate in your expectations.
Don't expect your husband to be a Superman, don't expect him to be
like somebody else's husband, you go and speak to your friends and
your friends are saying, well, my I just got a new car, and it's
this Mercedes, this class or whatever. And then you have that
expectations from your husband, and your husband doesn't make that
kind of money, it doesn't have that same kind of resource. And
then you start feeling bad about yourself, this is hasard, this is
actually
the, this is actually considered to be a problem of a dead heart,
that you start longing for things that you can't have, and you
become discontent with what Allah has given you. And you start
having lungs for bigger things. And then you make that a point of
problem in your relationship, and you spoil your relationship over
it. Don't do that. Don't do that at all. And if you have a bragging
friend, then tell her to keep bragging, bragging rights to
herself and don't give it to others. So be very moderate
moderate, in your expectations of your husband, be superior to him
in terms of what you what you're in terms of your focus on the
hereafter, because you want to be in Jannah. And you want to make
sure you're in Jannah. And you want to encourage him to be in
Jannah as well. And it is absolutely healthy competition
between the husband and wife to see who's going to wake up at the
hygiene, and who's going to do more worship, that's absolutely,
the man may have all the money, the woman may not have any money,
but she could probably still surpass a husband in terms of
sadaqa with the intention that she has of making sadaqa. And the
husband having the money doesn't make sadaqa but she doesn't have
the money who would love to make sadaqa, then she could even
surpass a husband in terms of that. So your intentions count,
and your expectations have to be moderate in this. Number six, roll
with the changes. So don't be stagnant. Don't be stagnant roll
with the changes. What I what I mean by that is when I say roll
with the changes, I don't mean that there's a new trend of
putting on a job outside. So you start doing that. Or now it's
skinny, you know, skinny tights or stockings, in fashion. So you must
do that as well. Now, I don't mean those kinds of changes. What I
mean is that you've just had a massive change. You've come from
your own house, where you may have been a princess, you may have had
everything to your bidding. You know, you may have had a magnet on
the on the door of your fridge, which your dad brought you saying
my little princess, you may have been brought up like a princess,
you may have been called the princess, your husband is not
calling you that anymore. It's a change. Don't expect the same kind
of treatment. Don't expect the same kind of treatment. Of course
homework needs to have been done beforehand, that there's a
considerate family that I'm going into and this man is considered
and once you've done that, then after that you need to roll with
changes. So that's the first change, the first change in your
life is that you're not going to be the same, you can't hang out
with your friends as you used to, right and your husband shouldn't
be doing the same thing as well. So the first change is you've got
a new life, there's a new setup now. And you need to really
understand that you need to be prepared for that setup. And if
psychologically, you're prepared for that, it will become easy,
right? Be open, be flexible, that is really, really healthy in this
regard. Then after that, the changes don't stop there. There's
another massive change that happens afterwards, the changes,
there's many changes, but one of the major milestones is children.
If you get children, now, it's another change. Now, children,
when they come, they bring on certain demands, there's certain
changes, hormonal changes that take place, there's certain
attention,
distractions that happen in there as well, you have to realize you
still have a husband, though, it's not that you're with your
children, only now you still have a husband, he still has rights. So
in this case, you need to deal with those changes with love. And
that love should be foremost. And if the love is foremost, between
the spouses, then regardless of what changes come about, if you
fostered enough love and brownie points between you, it should be
able to help.
Then after that, there's another change that will come after that.
So first change is marriage, the second change is children, then
another major changes that will come is body changes with age. So
a person may become more heavier, a person's waistline may change a
person may change, otherwise, that you have to also realize that your
husband is also going to go through changes, he's also getting
older, he's also going to get white, he's also going to get weak
weaker than he was, he's not a 20 year old anymore. He's now 40.
He's now 50. He's not 20 year old anymore. So don't have the same
kind of expectations. Again, you have to roll with the changes, you
have to be flexible. And you have to understand this is where we're
at right now, just like he's gone some changes, he can't performing
the same as he used to 1520 years ago, it's the same, it's the same
right, now let's make the best of what we have. And let's do what we
can.
And that brings me to the next point number seven, which is be on
the same wavelength. This is a very critical, this should have
been actually maybe the first point, but we had to build up to
this being on the same wavelength. When you first marry, it's very
difficult to be straightaway on the same wavelength. If you are
Alhamdulillah, there has been cases that I've personally
observed, where within half an hour of being married, and not
having any kind of dating before that a purely perfectly arranged
marriage, or a perfectly sunnah marriage, I would say it wasn't
arranged. And so as soon the marriage, within half an hour,
you're speaking to each other as though you've known each other for
for all your life. That's an absolute possibility. Because
Allah can give that ability within the hearts of each individual. If
you ask ALLAH SubhanA wa taala. For that, however, after a few
years, you definitely need to be on the same wavelength, it does
take a while for each of the couples to start realizing the
needs, the desires, the goals, the habits, behavioral patterns of the
other spouse. And once you start realizing those things, you can
meet each other, you can actually get to a point where you can
become very consistent between you mutually consistent. That's why
I've actually seen cases where I've heard the wife speaking, I've
heard the husband speaking. And they actually speak very much
alike in the expressions that they use in the idioms that they that
they employ in their language. And certain expressions that they
have, they sound the same, because they've been living, you know,
they speak a lot, right? You won't get that where the husband doesn't
speak to the wife, or Tony is really speaking to someone else.
And the wives got her own friends to speak with, they'll have a
totally different lingo, both of them will have totally different
expressions, but be on the same wavelength, especially when it
comes to nurturing your children. That is one of the most important
areas for husbands and wives to be absolutely on the same wavelength.
If the husband is too permissive, where he allows the children to
indulge in an unhealthy way, then obviously that's going to be
really, that's going to cause a lot of a Great Rift and problem
between the between the mother and between the wife as well.
Likewise, if the if the wife is too permissive or too strict,
whereas they shouldn't be so strict, so there needs to be a
balance that they both need to achieve. There needs to be a
balance that they both need to achieve. So be on the same
wavelength. I had a case where you had somebody who's been married
for years, they've even got, you know, children married off. But
what marriage is one of those really tension points marriage is
one of those points in life when a lot of tension appears. And any
relationship is going to be tested during a marriage. When I say a
marriage, I don't mean the people who are getting married but the
parents as to what they want in that marriage. That's the time
when people don't know what kind of hormones start firing about and
what wildness comes about and what kind of shaytaan comes in into
influ
And here, but people want to go all out and do things that are
completely against the shittier. One partner wants to do that the
other one doesn't want to do that one partner wants to be a bit too
permissive, the other one doesn't want to be. And there's a massive
problem. And this unhappiness during their son, or their
daughter's wedding is a big problem. So I had a case like
that, where something like that happened, the guy came to me and
he's crying because he's saying, my wife is telling me she is not
on the same wavelength as me, right? That is at their child's
wedding. And that is a massive, massive problem. That is such a
shock, that is such a setback, that is such an embarrassment.
That's why get on the same wavelength, both of you have to
meet somewhere, right? And you have to agree on these on things.
Number eight, don't keep grudges, because there's going to be things
that will happen, there's going to be a slight, there's going to be a
problem, there's going to be issues, don't keep grudges in your
heart for too long. Try to get rid of it as soon as possible. And I'm
sure the speakers before me have dealt with many of these topics of
closeness to Allah subhana wa Tada, and behavior and so on. I
just wanted to deal with this on a very kind of a hands on practical
level between husband and wife. That's why because this
relationship is such a relationship that will have that
has a bearing on your hereafter when everybody's here after the
husband and wife are the only two people that will be a pairing
Jana, not the mother and not the father and son, or the son and
daughter, or two brothers. Yes, you can meet each other, but the
husband and wife are the two that will be together in general, they
will share agenda essentially. So we need to be trying to achieve
that agenda together. For that we need to be on the same wavelength.
And if you're not on the same wavelength, then you need to make
yourself get on to that same well, sometimes it takes time. If the
whole if though if the wife is very pious and the husband is not
there, don't push it. Take it could take time in sha Allah you
have time make dua to Allah subhanho wa taala. And you will
see that eventually with, if you put all of these points in to
practice, you will see that inshallah eventually you will you
will be on the same wavelength. So don't keep grudges for too long. I
mean, you may feel a grudge in your heart, but go overcome it
deal with it. If it's by expressing you're expressing your
point of view, then express it and say, Okay, now I've forgotten
about it, I just want to express it to you. Now it's done. And
that's it. And obviously, the husband should not become
defensive. If that happens, learn to say sorry, this is a very
important aspect of any relationship. There's some people
who just can't say sorry, they just find it very difficult to say
sorry, you need to overcome that by saying sorry, force it out.
It's like some people cannot donate, they find it very
difficult to put 10 pounds in donation. And yet there's other
people who can't say sorry, this is just a human failing, like many
other failings that can be overcome. If it wasn't a stingy,
he can overcome it by making a few donations and notice that his
heart is suddenly opened, her heart is suddenly open, he doesn't
she doesn't have that problem anymore. Likewise, saying sorry.
And apologizing is an extremely important aspect. Just say sorry,
all the time, say sorry, a lot first, just so that you get used
to saying sorry, the but then Don't say sorry, all the time.
Otherwise, it becomes like an empty, sorry. So I'm just saying
just do that initially, just to get in the habit of saying sorry,
you don't lose out in that you actually gain more respect. When
you say sorry, to someone, actually, they know, see, whenever
there's an argument, most of the time, most of the time people will
know who's really right and wrong. But the arrogance, the jealousy,
the ego, or the anger, or something is just preventing them
from acknowledging that's what it is. But after a time has passed,
and one particular one of those spouses or parties have actually
acted with greater compassion or apology or humility, that will
definitely, that will definitely provide a benefit in the long run,
because the other person will acknowledge in the deepest of
their heart, that yes, that person dealt with it in a better way. And
I need to deal with it in that way as well.
So don't keep grudges and try to say sorry, as much as possible. Or
get in the habit of saying sorry and apologize when you have to.
Number nine. This is something we learn directly from Khadija the
Allahu Allah and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam be
your husband's best friend. So he doesn't need another best friend.
Very important. I sometimes think do I have a best friend? I've got
a lot of companions. I've got a lot of associates. I've got a lot
of people who are friends, but my best friend should be my wife. And
if that's the case with you that your best friend is your husband.
And he thinks likewise about you. Because sometimes what happens is
the wife is overly possessive. She wants to make him her best and
only friend and she doesn't want any other friends in the world and
wants him to literally sit at home all day and not go to work. And
that's obviously overdoing it. You do need other friends you do need
people to speak to another's, but then your husband needs to be your
best friend. And what I mean by that is that if your husband is
your best friend, they will actually come to you for
everything, but you need to be able to make a best friend
You need to be best friend material. You can't be best
friends expect somebody to be your best friend. If you're not
reciprocating, or you're not, you don't have best friend material
within you, that should be your component, you should develop
yourself in such a way that you become your best friend with your
husband. So he will come to you with everything, you have to make
it a point that like the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the
first person he came to after his extra ordinary experience with
Jibreel Alayhis Salam, which was an out of the world experience, in
a sense, you know, for that Quran, the Quran, that is just such an
experience that they have for the word of Allah subhanaw taala, to
enter his heart, and then to have been confronted, embraced and
squeezed by this angel, angelic creature, that's quite an amazing
thing. The first person he came to was his wife, and she knew exactly
how to deal with it, she knew how to comfort him, that is what you
call being a best friend, knowing what to say, at the right time,
knowing the right thing to say at the right time, and having your
husband come to you. And if he comes to you then dealing with it.
And number 10.
respect his hobbies. Sometimes the husband has a hobby, which is not
harmful. I mean, if it's a harmful hobby, then you've got all the
right to protest. But again, you have to do it in a proper way. But
sometimes you have a hobby, which may sound mundane to you don't get
it, you don't see the point of that hobby, you know, he may like
working on cars, you know, for three hours in the weekend, he
gives you his he gives you time, but then he just likes to work
three hours on cars, right? I don't think sitting on YouTube is
a good hobby, right for hours and hours for anybody, whether it's
for children or for parents, I don't care, right, it doesn't make
a difference. Or being on WhatsApp. That's not a good hobby.
But I'm saying a useful, you know, a mind refreshing hobby, I'm
saying something like going on, he likes to do gardening, or he likes
to go and do a bit of martial arts, or he likes to go and do a
bit of biking, or something of that nature, whatever it may be,
then, if it's a good and you can you know that it's a respectable
and a healthy hobby, then respect his hobby. I've had cases where
the complaint of the wife was that was that he doesn't respect my
hobbies and, and she had absolutely no respect for his
hobbies as well. And that was causing a massive rift in that. So
respect his hobbies. So all of these things are very important.
I'll just quickly just refresh them. Number one was express your
needs and your feelings effectively with love. And don't
just drop hints and expect him to understand, be careful, be clear,
because Allah subhanaw taala says that many women have this as a
weakness. Number two, pick the right battles. Don't do battle in
everything. Don't fight everything, and avoid negative
criticism. And don't try to reform your husband to fast. Don't make
this mistake, use use taco etc. Number three was being tried to
understand his point of view as well. And try to have a healthy
discussion about this and open your heart. Don't close your
heart. And don't close your heart up and bring issues up at the
right time. Find the opportune times to do it. Don't pick the
wrong times. And don't do it when you're angry. Number four, speak
to your husband. And don't speak to others speak to him first try
to deal with it first. Number five, be considerate and moderate
in your expectations, even to start with in terms of you know,
wealth spending, and other things, holidays, whatever, whatever it
may be. Number six roll with the changes. And the changes I
explained very clearly, they're to do with the husband and wife
relationship, not the changes of the trends of the outside. And
number seven, try to be on the same wavelength, try to bring both
of yourselves on the same wavelength, especially when it
comes to nurturing your children. Because that is a place you
definitely need to be on the same wavelength. And be your husband's
best friend. That's number nine, be your husband's best friend, so
that he comes to you for help before anybody else. And number 10
respect his hobbies and his other likes, and his other projects,
etc. Even though you can't do much for him, just you know, volunteer
sometimes to do something or at least show some company. This is a
very long read a long journey that we need to take. And just like
with any journey, you you want to do it in the company of somebody
nice so that it's pleasant. If you're pleasant with your husband
and your husband's pleasant with you, this journey will be an
absolute sense of bliss in this world, absolute sense of bliss in
this world. And if you're worshipping Allah subhanaw taala
and you have taqwa, Allah subhanaw taala says in the Quran, well even
half a Nakamura be Jana turn that for those who fear Allah subhanaw
taala they will have to paradise. Most of the commentators have
mentioned that these will be two Gardens in Jannah. Right there
will be two sets of gardens in Jannah for every person who has
feared Allah subhanaw taala. However, there are also some
commentators that have mentioned that the two gardens of Paradise
we're speaking about one is that of the Hereafter, which is great,
and it has its qualities, but the other is that Allah will make this
dunya a paradise for them as well. But for that you need the fear of
Allah subhanho wa Taala and you need to be upholding this
relationship
been improving this relationship and, and investing in this
relationship for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala with a view to feel
Allah subhanaw taala and you will see that Allah will give you
bliss. So this world will be agenda for you. And then the
hereafter will be even a great agenda. I mean Allah subhanaw
taala make it like that for us. May Allah subhanho wa Taala reward
all of those who've assisted in making this program month to month
and especially today, a success may Allah reward all of those who
have attended today, away from all of the shopping that you could
have done today, the visitation that you may be doing today, and
all the other lazy things that people do on Saturday, Sunday, May
Allah reward you for this time, may Allah subhanho wa Taala give
you the greatest sense of reward for this investment of your time
that you've made. May Allah subhanaw taala make this a source
of reward for yourselves and for our progeny, our children, not
just our children, but our progeny until the Day of Judgment, a
source of guidance for us a source of illumination for us, and may
Allah reward all of the volunteers, all of the speakers
and all of those who have managed and set up this program and may
Allah subhanaw taala make this Masjid a place of great
illumination and accept us all for the service of his Deen working
with Donna and Al hamdu lillahi rabbil aalameen Let's make a quick
dua Allahumma Anta Salam Inca Salam Tabarrok Theodor jewellery
with the Quran, Allah Houma yaka Yun Raha medical studies, Allahu
Maria Hannah Yemen, la isla Illa and the Sahara Anika in Konami,
nobody mean just Allahu Ana Mohammed Amma Allahumma salli wa
salam ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa early so you dinner Mohammed
Roberto Salam, O Allah, O Allah grant us the greatest benefit from
today's program of Allah make our gathering here, a gathering of
great blessing, a gathering of great, great blessing and a great
source of Mercy being received from you. Oh Allah, Oh Allah,
shower us with your mercy and your blessing of Allah don't deprive
us. We seek your forgiveness from all of those sins that have
prevented your mercy from coming down upon us. Oh Allah, we seek
Your protection, your forgiveness from all of those sins that have
that had that has reduced the baraka in our lives, that has
reduced that has increased problems in our life that has
included increased sadness in our lives. All those sins we seek your
forgiveness from that have caused problems and calamities to appear
and depression and sadness and grief to overtake our hearts and
our lives and make our hearts dark. Oh Allah Oh Allah we ask you
for relief. We ask You for relief. Oh Allah be merciful on us. Oh
Allah have mercy on us. Oh Allah have mercy on us. Oh Allah have
mercy on us. Oh Allah bless us. Oh Allah we are Your servants of
Allah when we pray, even though we may be sinners but when we pray,
we bow down in front of you and no one else. Oh Allah, Oh Allah, it's
in front of you that we put our heads on the ground. Oh Allah, Oh
Allah that's the highest level of submission we can show you in our
words, in our physical in our physical expression of Allah We
ask that you give our hearts that same kind of submission for you as
well. Oh Allah outwardly we submit to you our inwardly submit us to
you as well who Allah purify, both purify us of both our external
disabilities, our external illnesses, our external problems
and our internal problems. Oh Allah. Oh Allah, Oh Allah. Oh
Allah have mercy on us and make our inside superior to outside and
Oh Allah, Miko outside, pious and righteous Oh Allah allow us to
follow your messenger sunnah. sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, I
mean everything. Oh Allah grant us the mercy that he had, oh, Allah
grant us the mercy that he had. Oh Allah, Oh Allah, you're the
Merciful. You're the most merciful. You're the Mercy giving.
You're the Lord of Mercy. You're the rock man. You're the Rahim
you're the word dude. You're the Jehovah you're the cream of Allah.
You're the forbearing you're the honorable, you're the benevolent.
You're the extremely generous, and you're the most open handed and
the one who frequently gives and who gives you an abundance of
Allah don't deprive us of Allah don't deprive us of Allah treat us
like you're only even though we're so far off from being like your
earlier. Oh Allah. Oh Allah. Don't write us to be of your enemies. Oh
Allah don't write us to be of your enemies. Write us to be of your
close ones. Oh Allah. This is our desire, even though our actions
betray us, our actions betray us. But this is the desire of our
heart. That's why we're sitting here today, to learn of your deen
to learn of your religion to become better people to be guided
to be shown the right path and to be taken on the right path. Oh
Allah, allow us to internalize your oneness. Oh Allah allow us
not just to declare it with our tongues, but to live a life of
declaring your oneness with ourselves, with our hearts, with
our minds, with our behavior, with our ideology, with our practice,
and with everything that we do. Oh Allah, Oh Allah infuse our lives
with your liquor in your remembrance. Allow it to permeate
our hearts permeate every aspect of our life. Oh Allah allow us to
be consciously called
constantly conscious of you, allow us to be constantly in remembrance
of you. Allahumma Jana, the Kareena Lakeisha. Karina like to
be grateful to you to be constantly remembering you, oh
Allah allow every pore of our body, every pore of our body to
to be infused with your remembrance and to be remembering
you Oh Allah, this is just as your messenger sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam said that oh Allah put us put the light your light to our
right and left above and in front and behind us and in our bodies of
Allah make us of your light. Oh Allah infuse your light in us so
that we can see if correct, we can see things that are correct in
their true way and follow them. And we can see the wrong as the
wrong and abstain from them. Oh Allah, we've only got your mercy
to turn to your generosity to turn to your benevolence. There's
nothing else there's no one else. Every other door is shut in front
of us. Oh Allah, we've tried other doors. We've come back as
failures. We've come back with failure of Allah. It's only with
you. It's only with you. It's only with you. Just as we stand in
front of the curb, and we have so much satisfaction in standing in
front of your house. Such satisfaction, we ask that you also
give us on the Day of Judgment when we stand in front of you, our
life. That's the satisfaction we can have when we go for Umrah or
Hajj and stand in front of your house and have that great amount
of satisfaction with you as our Lord of Allah and that Muhammad
Salah lorrison was our messenger and Islam as our deen of Allah. We
ask that you replicate this for us when we actually stand in front of
you, because that will be the test. But Oh Allah, Oh Allah, we
know you're the most loving God. You have. We know that you are the
loving God, you're the Lord of Mercy, the Lord of generosity,
your Your Mercy knows no bounds. Oh Allah, Oh Allah, we learn of
Your mercy from the way we see others dealing with others with
your mercy. Oh Allah, we know that you've only caused 1% of the mercy
that you have to descend on this world and you've distributed that
among everybody from other mighty he said unto the last person,
every mother that shows mercy, every mother that shows mercy, oh
Allah the anecdotal mother's mercy, Oh Allah, we know what it
looks like, Oh Allah, we've seen it in action, but your mercy is
greater than that. And so the Allahu Anhu served Rasulullah
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam for 10 whole years as a young man as a
young boy. And yet the prophets Allah Larson never once told him
off. This can only have been due to the mercy that you gave him of
Allah, if that's the mercy that your messenger SallAllahu Sallam
showed, then what will your mercy be like? And Oh Allah, that is
what we have our gazes in front of our Allah, we've seen in this
world that many mothers will win when it comes to their children
who are nice and bright, and then suddenly, they've just wet
themselves. They've soiled themselves. They're all dirty.
Now. Everybody else who wanted to pick that child up no longer wants
to pick that child up anymore, because he's so dirty. Oh, Allah,
Oh, Allah, our state is worse than that child in terms of our
spiritual diseases. If our spiritual diseases were to be
shown on the outside, what's on the inside, then nobody would want
to sit with us. But oh Allah. It's only the mother who has so much
mercy that she will pick that child up, she will clean that
child, she will wash that child, she will be that child, she will
put new clothes on him. And she will make him look nice and smell
nice again. Oh Allah, Oh Allah, our situation is worse than that
child. Because if we have nobody to pick us up and clean us and
wash us, then our situation is of great danger. But that's why we
ask that you we know that you have more mercy than all the mothers in
this earth. Oh Allah, Oh Allah, you pick us up and you purify us,
you you purify us and you allow us to come close to you. You allow us
to come close to you. Oh Allah otherwise we have
we have been defeated in this world. Oh Allah the world is the
world has led us down. Oh Allah, there's nothing there's nothing.
Oh Allah. This is just a facade. This is just an outer expression
of these things. Oh Allah, we ask that you treat us with Your mercy
that you treat us with Your mercy. Oh Allah have have great mercy on
the people around the world. Oh Allah have mercy on the people
around the world. Our Muslim brothers and sisters around the
world. Oh Allah, have mercy on them. Have mercy on them. Have
mercy on them. Oh Allah have mercy on our Muslim brothers and sisters
and keep us protected. Oh Allah. Oh Allah make us worthy of
carrying your Kenema La Ilaha illa Allah make us worthy of carrying
your Kadima La Ilaha illa Allah and imbibing in our hearts of
Allah. O Allah. O Allah. Grant us the Kadima on our deathbed, Grant
Tuscany Mala Ilaha illa Allah on our deathbed and make all the
stages of the Hereafter easy for us. Oh Allah make all the stages
easy for us and make the grave a garden of Jana Oh Allah make the
grave a garden of Jana for us and grant us the in the highest stages
of the either in the year of gender neutral for those of Allah
chronospace there, oh Allah fulfill our permissible needs of
Allah many people here may want children they can't have children.
Oh Allah grant them children. Oh Allah there's many sitting
here who are not married, oh Allah grant them suitable and pay
espouses Oh ALLAH and make them good spouses for their husbands.
Oh Allah make us all good spouses for our spouses. Oh Allah make us
good, good spouses for our spouses and give us a healthy
relationship. Those who are married grant them greater baraka
and blessing in their marriages, grant them greater baraka and
blessing with their children. Oh Allah don't allow us to see a bad
day with our children. Oh ALLAH blessed us in regards to our
children make them a source of gladness for our eyes except our
entire families for the service of your deen Robbie Jana mochi Masada
to the Rio Tina robbing our Taco Bell dua, this is a dua of in your
words, which is, Oh Allah we pray to you to make us and our progeny
and our children also be of those who established the prayer for you
established the prayer for you, oh Allah continue to allow us and our
children to pray for you until the day of judgment of Allah make our
entire progeny stand up on the Day of Judgment, praising you,
praising you and satisfied with you satisfied with you, Oh Allah,
Oh Allah have mercy on us, oh, Allah have mercy on us. There must
be somebody here. There must be somebody here. Whether he's
whether he whether she is old or young, wherever she may be Allah
there must be somebody here who was accepted in your court, oh
Allah due to the broken blessing of this individual of Allah, we
ask that you give us the Tofik to do tahajjud that you give us the
Tofik to cry in front of you, to plead in front of you, to ask you
and to make you our our entire objective in this life of Allah We
ask for your love and the love of those who love you. We ask for
good company in this world. We ask you to protect us from evil
company. We ask that you remove any obstacles in our path that
come in in the way of our risk our respecting your deen and our our
our doing vicar of you of Allah keep us firmly on on your deen and
allow the priorities of this life which is the priority to be based
on the hereafter make that foremost in our in our sight and
in our hearts of Allah make your obedience beloved in our hearts
and allow us to do it constantly. Oh Allah allow your disobedience
to be hated in our heart and detested in our hearts so that we
abstain from it. Oh Allah, Oh Allah, make the best day of our
life today we stand in front of you. And one final thing we ask
you is that you send your abundant blessings on our messenger
Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam you grant to this company
in the hereafter. Subhan Allah because of Believe it or not,
you'll see funa was salam ala Marcelino Al Hamdulillah Rob
Bernard Amin, bla