Abdullah Oduro – Iman Cave – Why Men Need To Check On Each Other
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You know, I was just at a at,
like, a retreat. We went out far off
in, like, Oklahoma, and we got, like, a
house, and it was about, like, maybe 15
brothers with their younger sons.
And brothers opened up. It was really important
for them to be around each other and
just to talk, man. You know, just to
walk off in nature
and just to talk. Because you'll find that
throughout the Menani life, you're working, you know,
you're busy. You know, my brother's telling me,
you know, when I'm at home, I just
don't feel appreciated. Mhmm. You know, I'm the
provider and the protector, but I just don't
feel appreciated. But I feel that I'm able
to talk to you guys because it's just
that energy.
And I think that it's needed. You know?
Like you mentioned, different ways of expressing emotions.
They may not even realize it themselves
that I was feeling this until I got
around a group of guys Yeah. That feel
the same way that I do. I also
think that
we don't do enough of a job, a
good job at least of,
like, actually asking deeper questions about each other.
So, for example,
I've had a number of my friends now
get divorced. Okay. A number of them. Yeah.
And every single one of them
has mentioned
that while getting divorced, they went through incredible
darkness and they went through incredible loneliness. Oh.
Incredible.
And so, I remember, I had one friend
of mine
who got divorced
and it was one of those things where
he didn't bring it up. I didn't really
ask. You know what I mean? Like, it
was just
he didn't volunteer,
and I didn't volunteer to
ego. So then, I had actually went on
a on a on a umrah trip, one
of our, you know, cheap cheap
plug, blessed voyage or Umrah trips. Mhmm. Blessed
voyage. Which I'm actually going on tomorrow. Tomorrow.
I'm going.
But, I had went on
1 a year ago, and one of the
sessions the sisters asked, they said, could we,
you know, sit with you for a session?
And I sat, And it was really them
just opening up about divorces
and things like that, and they were supporting
each other, and I was just listening. Mhmm.
But, it really made me think like, man,
you're like, this stuff is is difficult.
So, I remember when I when I when
I left that session, I sent a message
to that friend of mine, And I said
to him, listen bro.
I just wanna let you know that
I know that you, you know, we never
really talked about your divorce.
And, I didn't really appreciate how difficult it
might have been for you. And, I just
want to apologize
to you for not asking
and checking in on you.
Mhmm. And so, a couple days later, like,
he didn't respond right away, and I'm like,
oh, man, like, you know, I
it's a leap. Yeah. You know? It is
a leap. Right? Yeah, man. So I didn't
hear back from him for a couple of
days, and then he sent me a voice
note back and he said, listen, I'm a
very well known guy in my city.
Very, you know, I like to think I'm
very
outgoing. I'm an extrovert.
Everybody knows me. And in his city, everybody
knows him and everybody loves him. Mhmm. K?
He said the amount of people
who asked me about my divorce
were
2
and the amount of people who apologized
for not being present
in my divorce
were 2, and you're one of them. SubhanAllah.
That's it.
He said, that's that's everybody who asked me
about my divorce.
And so, for guys, a lot of times
we go through the most difficult circumstances and
we do it alone.
Number 1, because we don't volunteer information, and
number 2, because
we don't have a culture
of checking in on each other. Right? And
Yeah. In a deeper way. Yeah. That volunteering
information is vulnerable. You know, being vulnerable and
trusting your brother. You know what I'm saying?
Mhmm. And that's that's that's so so important.
I mean, it's interesting you mentioned that because
I'll share something that happened with me. I
remember a friend of mine, his father passed
away,
you know. And, I remember saying to myself,
well, man, if it was me, I wouldn't
want anyone to call me. You know? So
I just I just I know he probably
doesn't want anyone to call him. That was
being irresponsible, to be honest, and not taking
that leap. Like you said, he didn't text
back because he maybe probably got offended. Mhmm.
I don't want him in my business. You
know, we just maybe don't want people in
our business. Right? We're we're kind of guys
are kind of, at least some are very
protective of of that type of, you know,
the family life. So, we don't ask each
other about Right. Family. We don't ask about
the wife. We don't ask about that stuff,
just to kind of leave it alone. If
you don't volunteer it, leave it alone. Exactly.
I remember years later with this brother that
I didn't call.
Years later, we were talking past, and he
was like,
man and I remember when my father died,
only one person called me. Only one person
called me. And he wasn't taking a shot
at me. He was just saying it passionately.
And I was like, yeah. I was from
the ones that didn't call. Log, fuck. Yeah.
Log. You know what I mean?
And I said for some type of expiation.
Later, I told him and it was hard,
man. It was hard. I went up to
I said, brother, man, look, listen. I'm sorry,
man. He was like, what?
You said this about a year ago. You
said this a while ago,
and I didn't call you.
I was gonna call you, but I didn't.
I apologize for that, bro. And he was
like, sorry, man. You know? And I felt
like this. Yeah. I also went to the
brother that called him.
I see, you know, that brother is so
thankful, man, that you called him. You probably
don't even realize it. Yeah. Yeah. He and
you realize you were the only one that
called him? No. He's like, what? I see
him, man. A little gesture. Imam Shaba has
a verse of poetry where he says,
He says, a friend that doesn't benefit on
a day of difficulty
is closer to an enemy when compared.
Like if you don't benefit me on my
hardest days, the day that I lose my
father, the day that I go through,
an enemy is not going to be there
for me. Mhmm. And if you're not there
for me, then you're closer to an enemy
than you are to a friend. To me.
You're not there. And I think
specifically about death, you know, I had a
friend of mine, an older brother once who
told me, he said something that my father
told me is 2 scenarios where you need
to be there for people
is,
weddings
and funerals. Funerals. Funerals. You need to be
there in weddings and funerals. You need to
show up. Now, for a lot of people,
the funeral part, they don't know what to
say.
And, they're afraid of saying the wrong thing.
If you don't know what to say, number
1, people aren't even going to remember what
you said most likely
because it's so overwhelming.
But, they will remember who's there. They will
remember that person who's there. Only yet. I,
for when I remember when my father, Hamdullah,
passed away. I don't remember what most people
said, but I have a very clear memory
of who checks it, who sent a text
message. I have a very long Long. Because
it was such an emotional and intense experience,
like everything gets registered.
But then number 2, which is very important,
is if you don't know what to say,
just say what the prophet taught you to
say. That's it. Just say
Just Google things to say from services to
and if all you say is what the
prophet has taught you, just say that's all.
You don't need to say something flowery. You
don't need to save this person's pain. Pain.
You're not going to do that. Exactly. Yep.
Just say what the prophet, but just be
there. Yeah. Be there. So beautiful, beautiful moment,
by the way,
is what Aisha talks about when she went
through
the sadness of the slander against her. Oh,
man. Yeah. And what did she say? She
said, there was a woman from the Ansar
who came in, and she sat down next
to me, and she just cried with me.
That's all she did. Oh, my, yeah. Right?
So just that idea of being present with
people. I'm being present. Yeah. Yeah.
Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. I really really appreciate that,
you know, but you know what happens sometimes
men put
Barriers. Nacho type of barrier, you know, like,
I'm too strong for that. Like, no, I'm
good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. But
deep down, they're not good. Not good, man.
Right. Deep down, they're not good. And I
think it takes,
like, so many so many guys who've been
going through hardships and whatnot. Like, I would
go
and I would, like, take them to the
side, talk to them alone. Mhmm. You know,
I'm there, man. You can open up bro.
Like what's going on? Like, I know you
feel sad. I know there's something. And
they would open up and cry. Cry like
like little kids. These are men, like like
Just need that little.
They just
need to feel like, man, I could I
could actually vent. They're safe. Do you feel
safe? Safe. It's safe. And, I think that
safety is really what It's more difficult for
a man to find than a woman to
find. Yeah. Right. You know why? It's because
we also have, like, even as you guys
are saying safe, safe, safe, like, my upbringing
is like, man,
sounding softer than Charmin right now.
That's that's Go on, man. Yeah. I know
that that's
What I signed, you brought me to the
iman case so we could talk about the
case. You know, it's the man the iman
case. But no. But that's the that's the
that's the upbringing.
That's the that's that's that barrier, right, that
you're talking about.