Abdullah Oduro – Iman Cave – Overcoming Addictions
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the challenges of male excellence and addiction in counseling and counseling for young men. They stress the importance of addressing addiction and the "monster" factor in the human experience, finding one's mental health habit, learning to process oneself, finding a healthy outlet, and avoiding sexual predators. The speakers emphasize the need for men to be cautious, responsible, and find a good partner, and for support groups for men with addiction. discipline and physical activity for healthy connections and building a healthy body is emphasized, and viewers are encouraged to like and subscribe to their channel.AI: Transcript ©
It's out there. It's widespread,
and the exposure is getting younger and younger.
Last last I saw the research, like, as
young as 9. Oh, my gosh.
She was like, look,
I do not find any serenity,
any peace in the prayer. I find peace
by smoking weed. And I just said this.
Alright. I was like, I'm gonna say these
words. I wanna see y'all's reaction. I said,
call me on my cell phone,
and they all started laughing. I was like,
how do y'all know what this is?
I said, complete the verses.
Right? Yeah.
They knew. When that hotline bling, it can
only mean one thing. What's the one thing?
How's everyone doing? I'm Abdullah Ojuro, and welcome
to the Imancave,
where we discuss issues of male excellence while
being grounded in faith.
Is it a habit or an addiction?
Are they the same things? Are they detrimental
to the man or the young boy? We're
gonna talk about that today because it's very
important, as we see nowadays,
that our young men are addicted to certain
things that they may say it's a habit.
Is that habit good for their iman? Is
it good for their masculinity?
And this can be detrimental to their future
as a human being, as a father, as
a husband.
Therefore, being an important topic that assists and
helps in strengthening
and honoring
that male excellence which Allah has created all
of them to be. Well, today, we're going
to talk together inshallah with brother
Yahya.
Another youth enthusiast,
speaking for a number of our young men
here.
Meaning, you're married. Right? Yes.
How old are you? Like, 30 something? 23.
Say it again louder? 23? 23 married.
Bless you
counselor.
And, masha'Allah, he's had the opportunity
to come to our community in the master
of Coppell and many communities
to speak about this issue of addictions
in particular, but in general of that of
issues that, are very pertinent
to counseling, that require counseling.
And make no mistake that all of us
as human beings, just to be very honest,
we all have our
challenges.
And that is how Allah has created us.
We are in sand. Therefore, we even within
the word means that person or individual or
creation that is forgetful,
negligent.
The most important thing is that we recognize
those challenges that we may have and make
sure that we address it in a particular
manner. And going to someone that is licensed,
that understands,
and more importantly understands what the Quran has
implemented, the medicine and the sunnah of the
prophet
to where you sit in front of them,
they know how to appropriate the message
that is there for our young men in
this particular situation.
Firstly,
as one of our new guests here, so
where where were you born?
So I was born in Dallas. You're born
in Dallas? I was. Yes. Where you originally
from? Syria, Damascus. Syria, Damascus. Yes, sir. When
did you come to Dallas? So I was
born here and
for a small amount of time, we lived
here, but then my father decided that it
was
best if we were raised overseas.
So Okay. He left everything here that he
had been working on after he kinda saw
that us going in this environment. He was
somewhat on the edge for it. Mhmm. So
he decided to go back home where his
family was and raise us overseas. And then
we lived there for about 10 years. Okay.
And it's how Allah you know, the war
overseas,
plays a big role in a lot of
people's lives and it played a big role
in our life. I see. So at some
point when it was too much,
my father once again had to leave everything
behind and start over again here in the
US, and that was probably, like, around 2012,
2013, and I've been here since then. Wow.
So, Alhamdulillah, I have a bit of,
I grew up over there, but I also
grew up here and I think both played
a big role in me coming up. Yeah.
And Amal Mustard played a big role in
your masculinity as well. Oh, absolutely.
Seeing certain things, and then your father have
to start over certain choices that he had
to make, and you living through that is
something that I mean, it's always gonna be
a story that you'll be able to share
with us. Absolutely. Share with us inshallah as
well. Absolutely.
Okay.
Doctor. Omar,
how are you, sir? If you can just
start us off at Omar Hussein when he
was at the age of 5, where was
he
and what took place when he grew up
and left that particular habitat that he was
in? Yes. So at the age of 5,
he was,
running around Southern California.
And Compton or
you're running around? Bonton?
I think that would come later. Okay. Alright.
Just we're here. Or or being a wannabe
will come later.
Just running around the suburbs,
playing sports, having a good time, playing video
games,
good loving family, I'm gonna you know? Just,
just enjoying the innocence of youth. So, you
studied in Egypt. Is that correct? I did.
I did. In what years?
I was there,
2008 to 14.
Wow. So, you were there during I know
your history. That's Oh, yeah. Not just one,
but 2 revolutions. Two revolutions. Well, why have
one when you can have 2? Wow.
So Right. When we get out to, may
I have a small dollar? Protect us all,
man. Yes, I am. So, how was it
studying at that time? I mean I was
there 6 years. So this came sort of
towards the end. Mhmm.
At that point,
what you go through to get there, you're
like,
we're gonna graduate and get through this. Uh-huh.
So
the the first revolution hit, the we had
exams, and we flew back here because we
weren't sure what was going to go down.
Mhmm. Then we got word, okay, come back.
So we took our went back, took our
exams,
with riot police standing outside. Wow.
And if you've never had tear gas in
your eyes, it stings. Oh, wow.
But then you have, you know, your classmates
advising you, just put some Coca Cola on
it. Some soda. Yeah.
That's a Coca Cola. Okay. This is new.
Put Pepsi right here on your on your
cheese. It's all about educating. Pepsi. Pepsi. Okay.
Everything is is Pepsi.
Everything
Yep. Pepsi or 7, you know, whatever. There's
only there's only 2 preferences.
So,
we got through that Mhmm. And then there
was another revolution. And I think you realize
how soft you are as a Westerner even
if you think you're tough when Mhmm. When
you see that going, stuff happening for your
life. You know? Yeah. So That's deep. But
we, you know, we got through it. Bless
you. We came back and, you know, we
can come back, but there's always a concern
for people that can't do that. Right? At
the end of the day, it's not just
about, well, we escaped. Yeah. Right? And and
the taxi drivers will tell you that too.
Like, okay, we're taking you to the airport.
What are we supposed to do now? Right?
So Mhmm. We make dua for
Muslims in difficulties every now. So from there,
you graduated. You come back to America.
Yeah. You came back as an imam. Correct?
You read imam? I came back. Yes. Religious
religious director. Okay. Which is code for imam.
But yeah. So you're just code for imam.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So so what prompted
you to choose counseling
from your
your, I guess your ministry? Yeah. So so
before I left, I had a mentor at
the Masjid I was at Moshalom. That I
grew up in. He was
a licensed marriage and family therapist Okay. Which
is very unusual and still is, but especially
at that time. Yeah. And so I said,
why'd you do that? And he said, well,
because people come to me.
And he's like, at some point, I'm like,
I can only tell them make dua so
much. Like, I I didn't have an answer
for them. Right? Serious addictions, marital problems,
clinical depression. So he went that route, and
then he started fusing it into
his community work. Mhmm. And his his his
khutbas, his like, they were on point. And
then Great. You kind of you kind of
understand why, because he's bringing in sort of
practical and this holistic approach. Right? Yeah. And
it was funny, he told me, he said,
so are you interested? I said, yeah, I'm
interested in that. Mhmm. Because we would also
hear, like, oh, well the imams are not
counselors. Right? Yes. That was one thing. Yes.
And it's not fair that to ask them
to handle all of those counseling,
those responsibilities.
Yes. So he told me he said you
should go into married and family therapy because
if if you can handle couples, you can
handle anything.
But I was more interested in just sort
of clinical work. So so I already had
a I knew I was gonna do that
before I came back. Really? So you knew
you're gonna do it before you came back?
How was the course of study, and how
long was it? Just for those that are
interested. I mean, when you Yeah. Yeah. So
I came back, and then I was serving
my community. Okay. And I waited a year,
and then you need to get a master's
degree. Okay. So the master's degree is,
if you do it full time,
year and a half, 2 years. I did
it part time. It took a little longer.
And then after that, there's a licensing process
of 3000 hours of supervision, which
people need to know before they're going out
there. Thank you. Yeah. Is that gonna look
it? Yeah. Yes. Because because most If you're
in engineering
or in tech and you get a master's
degree, you get a pay bump almost immediately.
Right? And if you don't, you're going to
another company.
Here, you kind of got to
struggle after it. And then you you have
supervision and you're paying for the supervision most
of the time. And you have this interim
tag on you. Right? So,
and it was really restricted at that time
what you could do as well. Now, it's
a little bit better, but Mhmm. It's
a long process. Minimum, the quickest you can
do it is a year and a half.
And that's probably if you're killing yourself to
get all these hours in. Right. Right. Right.
It's a big investment. It is. It is
a big investment. And you have to ask
yourself if it's worth the return on investment.
For me, given everything, it absolutely was, but
it's important to keep that in mind. Okay.
So now that you are are in this
this discipline,
or let's just say this Ibadah, this worship,
this work
of fusing between ministry imamah
and also being a licensed professional counselor. I
mean, probably what you've seen while you're doing
your 3000 hours, you're like, okay, I see
the synergy of being an imam.
It's not monolithic. Right? I mean, when you're
including this counseling,
there's a lot
of, dare I say, cultural nuances that have
to that take that come into play. Being
that you're in America
and you're seeing, you know, for instance, you'll
see the generation gap between the parents
and the youth. Right? In this particular case,
between
the parents and the son.
So when we're talking about dopamine, for example,
that neurotransmitter
that it's the pleasure, the feeling of chasing
that pleasure.
What I've seen, and correct me if I'm
wrong, we're dealing with these young men, and,
yeah, he could chime in as well as,
you know, I think one thing that I've
seen a lot is
firstly, to start off, let's just start with
video games.
Right?
Video games, we're not here to curse them,
but we're here to allow the the the
young man to guide himself through them or
be guided through them. What's your take on
video games, and have you seen it affect
the young man? And when we say the
young man, I'm talking about not only the
young man himself,
his mom that's screaming his name from downstairs.
He's like, mom, I'm coming. Alright. God. Mom's
always bugging me. Is that your mom? Or
the older sister or younger sister that he
was supposed to take care of or take
out the trust. Does it have any effect?
Is it does it transfer over to to
their life in a negative or positive way?
Yeah. Yeah.
Video games. Okay. So, the other day, I
was speaking with a teen client. Okay. And,
you know, he said, I like to play
video games in my free time. I said,
okay, what do you like to play?
He said, Street Fighter.
I said, hold on. What what year is
it? Yeah. Because I used to love to
play Street. You. Come on, man. But, anyway,
I just thought it was interesting how a
lot of these things, they come around. Like,
you know, my kids will be like, oh,
Ninja Turtles. I'm like Mhmm. And I tell
them the Ninja Turtles. Oh, you know the
Ninja Turtles. Yeah. All this stuff just loops
around.
But, you know, I I think it's really
important for us, particularly now,
you know, we're not the same as we
were 15, 20 years ago. I I hope
nobody is. Yeah. Right?
But we can't just sort of blast and
be down on, you know, video games when,
like like,
that's what you used to do. Right. Right?
Now, certainly, we've learned
what,
maybe there's experience. This is harmful. Maybe there
should be limits. 100%.
So I don't know if I would unequivocally
say no video games. Okay. The key is
to recognize when we have
a problem with it. So there's actually, where
I used to live,
there's it was the first ever video game
rehab clinic.
Wow. Yeah. So That's the first time I
heard those words together. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's
Video game rehab clinic. Yeah. Masha'allah.
It's an actual place. It's it's an actual
place. Physical location. It's a physical location. So
when you think of, like, a drug rehab,
this is it, but with video games. That's
insane. Yeah. So they go there. Online stuff,
like, where you go online and maybe, like,
chat with your adviser over here and say,
but never in person. No. This is they
they bring you in. There's different levels. And
the highest level is, like, working you back
into society if you're at Wow. If you've
been, you know, that far away. That's that's
that's specific. Yeah. So that, obviously,
that's that's one level.
But then there's there's
I think it's really about healthy usage. Well,
first of all, let me back up. Up.
Content in anything, whether it's gaming
or, you know, in any form of entertainment.
I mean, we have certain standards as Muslims.
Right? So that's that's important to keep in
mind. I don't think we need to just
because it's video games, we don't need a
single video game. So content, obviously, right, is
something to be aware of.
But then, you know,
what is is it detracting from major areas
in life? Mhmm. Right? Was the really good
student all of a sudden now a mediocre
student? Why? Because they're spending 9 hours a
day on video games. I see. Was this
outgrowing,
vibrant, young,
young boy, very social, all of a sudden,
not just recluse Mhmm. Because all day video
games. Right? I see. Are there not actual
connections with human beings now because of the
video game? That's where we need to be.
For a mother, when can she tell when
a when a hobby is turning into
a problem?
Sometimes the problem is exaggerated because of the
approach.
Sure. This is this is true in many,
many things, not just video gaming. So if
it's a constant, you know, why are you
doing this,
what's wrong with you, you know, that Mhmm.
Constant sort of
aggressive approach Yeah. Can be very detrimental and
actually Mhmm. Lead people to go in the
opposite direction. I like how you okay. So
so, Maxim,
constant what was it constant questioning exaggerates.
It can.
It absolutely can. And it has a potentiality
to exaggerate the problem or the challenge. And
more so,
people just tune you out. Right. And I
like how you said it. Because when you
gave examples, you used the word you in
all of them.
Why are you doing this? Why are you
doing Right. Or are you
right? I mean, I've I've spoken with people
that use video games. They give some of
the best advice on a cutback on video
games. Mhmm. Right? Yeah. But when we're having
that conversation,
I'm not telling them that, how dare you
play these video What's wrong with you? You're
going to ruin your life.
And family, in their love, that's very important,
in their love Yep.
They kind of go overboard with it. Right.
Right? And so that can
even and maybe they'll say, yeah. You know
what? I was only gonna play, you know,
a little bit, 45 minutes, an hour a
day, but now I'm just gonna stay on
here as long as I want. Right? Mhmm.
No. Because you just start start tuning them
out. Right? So that's that's important to keep
in mind. I think most people, if you
if you're in an environment where it's not
like that, there's a better chance to kind
of be like, is this I think it's
a good idea? Look look at your grades.
Look at your activities. Right? I don't think
we can put a number like, okay, 5
minutes for you and 10 minutes for you
and an hour and a half for you.
Yeah. Really? Okay. I I think most people
would say playing 9 hours a day is
not reasonable. Right? Right. That's not that's not
healthy usage. Right? Mhmm. When it becomes sort
of this obsession.
The the key to look for really in
any mental health thing is is in having
a major impairment on life.
Right. On life. On life. If there's some
major life function. So if you're up all
night playing video games Mhmm. And this is
happening and you got a warning at work
and then you got another warning and you
get fired, we got a problem. Right? Okay.
If you're not engaging your family because you're
always playing video games, this is major part
of life. Mhmm. Right? Mhmm. If you binge
every now and then, but life is generally
good, I don't think that we would say
you have an addiction or even a bad
habit per se. Mhmm. Right? We all have
sort of things that we are involved in.
Okay. This is the question. Because you mentioned,
you gave the examples of
late to work and things of this nature.
Okay? But, waking up late for school.
Because the ones that most like most likely
I mean, I know there's men that do
this as well, but
the 13
to the the 10
to 19 year old, for example, for example,
what what are some markers that they can
look at? Because you said it doesn't change
life or doesn't affect their life. So if
we were to unpack that,
what are some things that that young man
I don't wanna use words should,
but would it would be good for them
to consider
to ask these questions and to answer them
honestly. Like for example, am I waking up
late for school?
Okay. Then this has become a problem.
So, are there some markers that they can
look at that the young men speaking directly
to the young men? Because Yeah. Before it
was more of like for the for the
guardians, for the parents. Right. You know, don't
exacerbate the problem by using you and, you
know, pointing at them and telling that they're
but for that young man, what are some
keys for him to think to think about
which will further make him responsible in this?
Yeah. Well, an easy one is are you
getting up for fudger? Boom.
Because Did the mic drop? Okay.
A lot of them are
when Okay. The usage is more sort of
in the norm. Right? They're like, oh, the
the the console got taken away and now
I'm getting up for fudge. Okay. Why are
you getting up for fudge? Because I'm not
staying up till 2 or 3 in the
morning. Let let me stop right there, man.
Just it semi colon. Yeah.
Because that right there that's why I I
I mentioned that, you know, even with telling
young men
is
you have to answer the question honestly. Yeah.
You know? And I think that's that's the
key. Correct me if I'm wrong in this.
You know? And that's where the connection of,
you know, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala comes in
because, like, okay. You bro, you you say
to yourself, bro, you know you've been missing
Fajr. Yep. Or you know that Salah has
been a burden on you, which is very
interesting. You know, even he mentions in his
book, why would it say invocations of God,
he talks about he mentions a hadith,
And the hadith is a conversation between Yahia
and Asa.
And Yahia was ordered to tell the people
about,
part of the 5 pillars of Islam. It's
a long hadith and timidity.
And then, you know, Yahya says, well, I'm
gonna come this. He said, I order you
to pray. After you mentioned to he the
one who's alive ordering to pray, and he
said,
don't turn. Mhmm.
Says the turning is of 2 types, turning
of the heart
and turning of the the sight.
But then he says,
when he goes and he spouts upon it,
he said, you know, when one is attentive,
shaytan will always try to poke at him
and get him to either
not pray
and neglect it or become lazy in it.
Or within his prayer, and this is deep,
within his prayer
to he will be reminded of something that
he was trying to think about before the
prayers. Mhmm.
And this could be something halal. You think
about it. Yeah. And then it comes to
you in prayer. Oh, man. That's how I
was supposed to beat that level.
Next time, I need to go around this
thing. And you start your mind is still
going on. Your heart is still going on.
Yeah. And then then he says at the
very end, and I'll leave it here. He
says, so he finds that all in in
the salah and not from the salah. He
finds the the the ease
in the salah and not from the salah.
So when when we the salah is like,
oh, I got it.
Oh, okay. Yeah. Right. So it's fudge. You're
like, okay. You made it, but then there's
always an opportunity for you to get to
get to get better at that. But like
you mentioned, that should be like the first
marker. Okay? Am I praying fudger? And at
that point, to be totally honest, you know,
that first time that you attempt,
you have that good intention, which is great.
You attempt to make that prayer. The first
time,
it may feel like a burden.
It may feel like a burden. Like this.
Alright. Give me a second. I'm just gonna
Allah. You know, and the let's say 3
fourths of the salah. God, man, I just
want the right to to sleep,
right? Is that
something that is realistic, but it's it's in
stages,
right?
Like, when when you when you when you
deal with the counseling, you deal with the
young men as you as you were talking
about,
is it something that is just one shot
or is it something that takes a gradual
approach for them to get to that
that level of praying praying fajr?
Yeah. Well, this is the
great
misconception that we have. Because we live in
a medical model. Right? Which basically is like
something's broke. Let's fix it. Okay. Okay. So,
you got a pain. Let me give you
this pill. Take it 3 times a day.
In a week, it'll be gone. Right? Mhmm.
We don't work like that as a human
being. We're very complex, especially when it comes
to the mind.
And
somebody who does that,
just keep working on it. Yeah. Like, we
work on prayer just like we work to
build our muscles, just like we're working on
our business,
school, anything. You just you gotta keep working
at it. And eventually,
you know, like the the the drip of
water on a rock, it's not going to
do anything Right. For a very, very long
time. But some something will get through. Something
might be
getting through. Right. There's a reward system. Mhmm.
So, like, the first time you miss a
feijr,
you feel like that bit of, man, I
I should have done better. I could have
just woke up. Yeah. I see. And then
when you wake up the next day, for
example, let's say you put it to work
and you wake up the next day,
even even if you're tired, even if exhausted,
even when you go back Mhmm. When you
finish that prayer like, man, that's a check
mark. Like, I personally Mhmm. When my failure's
on time, I know my day is a
w. Yeah? Mhmm. Always. So what what would
you say is something that can help someone
who is struggling
realize that reward or at least have it
in their minds so they're not forgetting about
it? Because it's very easy to forget about
the reward if it's not gonna come right
away. The instant gratification, it's sort of the
culture that we're living in. Right. Everything is
you just get it right now. Yeah. Right?
So
if you can have just because you can
have everything right now doesn't mean you
have to have it right now.
Now, that is a simple change that anyone
can make.
Is a 9 year old going to be
able to do that? Probably going to need
parental assistance on that.
Can a 16 year old do that? Absolutely.
Mhmm. Can a 16 year old say
that,
my my limit is going to be 45
minutes of gaming or 50 minutes of gaming
and not 2 hours? Mhmm. Yes, they can.
Maybe they need to start. If they're at
7 hours, we gradually cut it down, but
they can get there. Right?
So that is
sort of training ourselves to not just have
everything right now. Right? Just because you can
doesn't mean you
should. Should. Right? To discipline.
Yeah. Discipline. So that is. It's building discipline,
and ultimately, it you we will see the
payoff.
Right? And the the the
the the journey is
sometimes more satisfying than the actual end result.
Mhmm. That's that's that's deep because
Yeah.
Again, journeying to who and for what reason?
That's where the, you know It's the ultimate
journey. Yeah. And this goes ultimately back to
purpose. And that's why, you know, I always
tell my communities in general when we speak
to youth we're indirectly speaking to the parents.
We speak to the parents or indirectly speaking
to the youth. Yeah. So, like, when talking
about the process and how it's it's, you
know, the the the dripping rock the the
water that's drop dripping on the rock, it'll
eventually make an indentation inside the
rock. What does that 16 year old want
if he's leaving something that he already wants
and knows the video games from 1 hour
to 30 minutes? Why? What what's going on?
Well, you're missing fudger. Okay. I'm missing fudger.
Okay. I'll make fudger. But and then it'll
come to you. Okay. But I'm not really
seeing the results of fudger. I'm seeing the
results in a video game. Yeah. Like, I'm
disciplining myself. Oh, you told me I forget.
It's like, no. Discipline. I'm disciplining myself to
go and play the video game, and I
have a goal. I'm trying to beat the
level. I'm making a goal. This is helping
me mentally, helping my end my my mind
finger coordination.
Right?
Although he was
joking, there was some little truth behind it
that he was feeling that was a truth
for him. Right? So
I think it's very important when it comes
to the youth that, okay,
this is where it ties into their connection
with the law because it's like, okay, why
am I going to Fajr? Which one is
more valuable? Okay, Fajr.
You were just told that it's valuable, but
like you said 16, that's the time of
puberty or roughly. Yeah. A testosterone is kicking
in mentally, physically. You know, they're changing. They're
more aggressive, but that that that bridge
of becoming responsible
and leaving off that which they may desire
for that which is
better for them.
Right? And that's that's very, very interesting that
or important that you mentioned, you know, those
those markers that they can can have. So,
Frederick was one of them. Yeah. What's one
more that they can that they can look
and say? Well, you know, most most people
can kind of tell what kind of personality
they have, how they kind of vibe with
others.
And, again, when you when you talk in
sort of a non judgmental space, you know,
you'll hear people say, like, yeah. I used
to we used to go out like with
friends. We used to go out, you know,
we used to get something to eat or
whatever. Now we just, like, never do that.
And and seriously, like, don't underestimate.
Just because someone's young doesn't mean that they're
not thinking,
or processing things. Right? And you're, like, Masha'allah,
you're, like, 15,
and and and you're thinking about this. Like,
you don't need me to tell you.
You you kinda know what you need to
do. Right? Oh. And, you know, the the
group
there's group think where everybody thinks the same,
but then it works also on the positive
side. Right? That's the idea of the Gemma.
Right. So and now, if you got 5
16 year olds who are like, you know
what? We're always gaming together, right, because everybody's
on, playing online.
Let's do that for an hour and then
we'll go to the gym for 45 minutes.
Or we'll just go, you know, do whatever.
Like, all of a sudden, now it's not
a burden anymore and you actually value the
time that you have. Mhmm. Because now it's
like, well, I don't just It's not just
endless. You know, speaking of gaming, I mean,
in our house, let me just be honest,
we didn't have
rules like you play from this time to
this time. Mhmm. Right? When we'd go to
friends' houses, they had rules.
And somehow, it was more fun at there
because you know you're like, oh, we got
until 5 o'clock. That's it. It makes more
value to your time is limited. Then your
dad's coming home, and then we're not gonna
have then it's not in. Happening. What are
we gonna do at 5 o'clock? Well,
go swimming. Go play football. Like, back in
Yeah.
On the half pike, you do something. But
you value it. You value it when when
it's not just
endless. So would you say that's something for
parents to look into?
A 100%.
Again, when when you're talking,
you know, in an ideal world, we would
prevent a lot of these Yeah. Behaviors.
That's that's the main goal. Right? It's not
till, oh, I'm 25 and Sure. You know,
I've been addicted for 15 years.
So, at the younger ages, we also got
to understand the society we live in, it's
a lot on the parents. Being a parent
is not an easy job. No, it's not.
I mean, you have to. The 10 year
old doesn't
always know what's best for them. So you're
saying pretty much it's a responsibility on the
parents to figure out what their child is
like and kind of figure out what they
can do for that specific
kind of, you know, situation, addiction, or maybe
habit to kind of get it either under
control or in a positive way. A 100%.
Right? It goes back to knowing your kid's
personality.
We were 3 brothers.
1 of us, if we had no limit,
didn't matter. We would just play whatever.
The other one did if it didn't have
a limit, then it would be, you know,
all day and all night playing. Right. Right?
So there that you you kind of goes
back to knowing the personality Mhmm. And knowing,
but you only
do you only know that if you engage
with them and spending time with them. Spending
time with them. Now, you mentioned rules, but
I think rules is very important though. Because,
I mean, you mentioned limits.
Limits is rules are Right. Rules are limits
to Yeah. It's basically showing the limits of
a particular thing. There have to be some
boundaries. It has to be It's not just
a free for all. The next the next
Question I have or scenario.
It's a story. It's something that happened to
me. Okay? I'm in the masjid.
I was gonna say in the masjid chilling,
but you know we get children
Right?
And, one of my students comes to me
with their cousin.
She's like 14, 15 year old girl.
And, I
I told her at that time, I said,
I really appreciate you coming here.
She was like, look,
I do not find any serenity,
any peace in the prayer. I find peace
by smoking weed.
I find peace by rolling 1 up, They
lighten up a spliff, a blunt, you know,
whatever it is.
That's where I find my peace.
Right?
That is definitely some type of addiction, which
she mentioned she was addicted to it. And
she was happily addicted to it. It wasn't
like she was coming to me, like, solve
my problem. Right. No. She was more like
convince me She was expressing yeah. Her yeah.
Her happiness. It was more like convince me
that there's something wrong with this.
I remember when I became Muslim,
you know, I became Muslim.
The guys are like, look. The weed is
from the earth, bro. Yeah. It's true. Oh,
man. I've heard that so many times. Right.
It's like it's like, bro, it's not it's
nothing it's worth. What's wrong with it? What's
wrong with weed is from the earth?
It gets me it puts me more in
a I don't know. 1 of my brothers
had let Salah one day,
he after he said,
so he lit it up. So he lit
it up, and he passed it.
After the prayer, immediately after? Immediately after.
And the idea was
That's just
Yeah. Like that. It's just part of Yeah.
And I remember I'll never forget. And I
was this is not to not to praise,
but I was like,
oh, should we be doing this, man?
And then when I was like, bro, it's
from the earth, bro.
Kala, you bugging. He was like, you bugging,
man. Yeah. That is yeah. I'm telling you.
You bugging. You're tripping out. You're acting weird.
Yeah. Yeah. So so okay.
Video games, all this is a form of,
you know, putting the dopamine Yeah. Which brings
a sense of pleasure. Yeah. And hopefully transferring
that dopamine response to something more euphoric that
deals with the shitty out of law which
laws legislated. But like weed, man, do you
see that as prevalent with young men? And
how do you counsel in that? What advice
would you give in that regard? It's very
prevalent. There's there's no doubt. It's it's That's
for the non Muslims, but the Muslims. For
the for a 100%. For the Muslims.
Oh, man. Oh, yes. Human beings. Right? Okay.
Absolutely.
And I think there's this, there's a tendency
to single this out, like, this is okay.
Right? The same people if you ask alcohol.
No. No. No. You know, that's not It's
not from the Earth. It's not from the
Earth. That's why. Well, all of this I
guess, supposedly, every Yeah. I mean, you get
rid of the grapes, you let them sit
in here for I mean, that's
I I don't think it's a nuanced
discussion. Right. I don't think we need that
here. Right. But if if someone is
convinced that it's okay,
if if they don't want to hear the
other side like this Mhmm. Young woman, then
there's there's not really much we can do
about that. Mhmm. In fact, that's true for
any type of person coming for counseling. Right?
Okay. So why are you here? Because my
mom wanted me to be here. Boom. Okay.
Okay.
If you don't really wanna make the changes,
there's not really a whole lot we can
do. Right?
So the first is recognition, and a lot
of times, that's lacking. There there is not
a recognition that Recognition. Okay. Of the that,
like, marijuana is a haram substance. Mhmm. Right?
So
until that changes, it's very hard to take
a step. Now for those that are, it's
gonna be,
it's gonna be a process just like any
other type of addiction. It also depends how
severe it is. Right? So somebody smoking every
now and then is different from somebody lighting
it up 7 days a week Mhmm. 5
times a day. Right? That's that's different.
Mhmm. So
if it's less severe, maybe we can get
by with less. If it's very severe, then
we may need to take more drastic steps,
such as inpatient or outpatient clinics,
detox, so on and so forth. Yeah. Detox.
Yeah. I found anecdotally,
in our communities,
it's
it's kind of like a social thing. Mhmm.
So a lot like it's like
people will stop it when they're not in
that environment.
Mhmm. Right? So they're they,
they chain you know, they they were all
in high school together. They were smoking. And
then after they graduated, like, when's the last
time you smoked? Oh, not since high school
now. Right. They're like, oh, like 6 months
ago.
So that's not an addiction. Right? That's just
a that's just a bad habit that flares
every literally,
flares every
That lights up every
now and then. Yeah. So it just kind
of depends on the severity. But if they
don't if they're not going to accept that
this is not something they shouldn't be doing,
then it's going to be hard, you know,
to just
go anywhere. So what would you say? What
would you say to the brothers that are
convinced that it's not harmful or it does
not have any effect on you whatsoever? Because
you'll meet a lot of guys, man. You
you'll talk to them. They'll say, bro, I
mean, it does nothing. It just it just
helps me cool out and just cool down,
chill out, do my thing. Matter of fact,
I focus more when I'm on it. If
Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala,
told us to do something, there's benefit. If
he told us to stay away, there's not
benefit. Yeah. Whether we recognize all that benefit
or recognize all the harm, it doesn't matter.
It's still,
we still have to follow it. So that's
the first step. I'm not here to get
in an argument with you. You can find
anything you want out there about darn near
anything. And you can justify anything. And people
are doing that with core beliefs and it's
not. Right? And they can do that.
So I'm not here to argue with them
on that.
What we're saying is,
ultimately, why why are we profaning from this?
Because Allah
has given us boundaries and guidelines to live
in. Right? There's no end to justification.
Well, you know, if I if I protect
myself, then I can have relations with the
with anyone I want. And I can be
really I can really protect my right? There's
no there's no end to that. That. So
it just opens up a Slippery slope. You
always go back and forth. There's nothing Yeah.
There's no end to it. Now, it reminds
me of the verse. This verse is foundational.
You know, when Allah says,
after I learn a strategy. Yes.
The people ask you about liquor and gambling.
He said, tell them that in both of
those things
are great sin and benefit. There is. Yeah.
What is
the
That's
the Yeah. He said, but the sin
is much more than
the benefit in those things.
And how who knows the benefit? Allah. That's
what he said. We don't, you know, if
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has legislated it, that's
what we say, Samaria will upon it. It's
We hear and we obey.
It's not a condition for our worship to
know the reason of the ruling. Right. Right?
And that's the ultimate submission. And that is
where I humbly feel
that's the the the transitionary point from that
young boy to being a man,
a Muslim man, a responsible man, a purposeful
man, a transcendent man, to where he says,
Oh, Allah is not pleased with this. I'm
not gonna do it simply, simply because
Allah is not pleased with it. Yeah. And
I think the challenge is to where they
have to be okay with that.
Right. Right? And that is the drip of
water that's the process.
You know, that first day of fudge is
gonna be, you know, 90% of the time
you were thinking about, man, I'm just I
guess I gotta do this gradually.
And that's where it becomes,
you know, an unseen force where law affects
your heart in that. And that's why when
I was saying about this girl in my
mind, as I was we talked for, like,
4 or 5 hours, this this this young
sister, like, 4 Yeah. I was saying in
my mind, just like you said, it's not
my job here to convince
you. Right? You already seem convinced and and
and the attitude of you asking is like,
you prove to me. Yeah. This is like,
we're not gonna go in there. No. We
no. If everybody stays in it stays in
their lane or it won't be any, what
is it? There won't be any accidents if
everyone stays in their lane. Right? So Right.
Let's just make sure that okay. Are you
coming to get advice and trying to find
out firstly, what's your connection with Allah?
What do you think about Allah? Come to
find out there was some doubts in Allah
in general Right. Before even this issue. Yeah.
This is a by product. It's a by
product. Yeah. It's a byproduct.
So I'm seeing with we particularly,
you know,
for young men, it really makes them irresponsible.
And even I've seen numerous times
with the anonymous
old friends that I had, you know, is
that, you know, 3035 is from video games,
and their
significant other
is out the door mentally. And they're like,
all you do is sit home and play
video games. You go to work, come back,
play video games. Go to work, come back
video games. Smoke with your friends, and that's
it. So it kind of leads to one
being lazy, irresponsible,
and then ultimately not having any ultimate purpose.
No ambition. Cordless. The life just becomes black
and white. You're just you're on a routine,
and you're just like a bot Yeah. Looping
and looping. Now, I remember when we used
to
when we used to travel. I because I
played collegiate tennis, so we would travel with
our teams. And so we were in the
hotel one day, and,
I I they they just randomly
pick who you room with. So I got
I got with the the the captains. Okay.
So I was kinda like, oh, dang. You're
like, you're just new and, you know, you're
rooming with the captains now? Okay.
And so I I went out with my,
with with one of the some of the
teammates. You know, we did crazy things like
eating ice cream.
And,
you know, there was there was another crew.
So I come back,
and
I'm I'm trying to open the door,
and there's, like, wet towels under
the door. Oh, man. It's a green mess.
And I'm, like,
17, 18 or so. I'm trying to open
the door and I walk in and I
I'm I'm moving it, and then one of
the guys comes running, he's like, put that
back, and I have no I'm like, I
have no idea what's going on. Oh, guys,
there's wet towels now. I'm sure I sounded
just like that.
Hi. There's some wet towels. You gotta move
these. We can't keep the towels here. We
gotta wash our bodies with these towels. Hybrid.
And, don't put that down. Put that down.
Okay. So I'm I'm trying to, like, coordinate,
right, what's happening. Then I went and sat
down,
and then I kinda saw that they were
Mhmm. Spoken. And so, of course, they offered
me. And I'm like The fireflies. I'm good.
No. I had no idea
how to get I know there's some sometimes
we're in.
Mhmm. Have Yeah. God consciousness to the best
of your ability. I had no idea what
I the next day, I was praying in
the
corner where my coach I don't know. Pray
in the middle of the hall. Right. So
for those that don't know because, of course,
the audience doesn't know,
the towels were there to block the smoke
from going Oh, yeah. So the coaches don't
smell it and then come. And I always
noticed
one of them was but he was so
laid back, and now I understand why.
He would add and,
and,
you see the stars, man? What stars, man?
What are they doing? With it. No. There's
some stars right there, bro. Another day. Yeah.
The aliens are coming, man. Oh, man. But
you know what? He lost his match the
next day, and he cost us that tournament.
Really? I haven't forgotten it.
Yeah. Good player, but, you know, he just
There you go. Was off. So it's I
mean, you know, because
sometimes guys got a little let a little
stress off, man. And that Yeah. And that
may do it for them. You know what
I'm saying? So Well, there's healthy outlets and
there's all kinds of ways to let off
stress. Exactly. What are some of them? What
are some of the healthy outlets? What would
be a good swap?
Because for me personally, I mean sports is
a huge thing.
If I'm able like, it's literally my drug.
I call it my mom tells me, you
go to the hospital again. It's like almost,
you know, 12 AM. I'm like, mama, if
I don't do this,
I'm either gonna just get depressed Yeah. Or
go a different route. Yeah. So this is
my outlet. Like, this is even if I
don't win, even if I have a horrible
match Mhmm. I get my body gets that
relief Mhmm. That I'm able to get it
off off of me. And I think I
think, subhanallah, it's it's kind of
transferring that dopamine release. Mhmm. Because you find
your pleasure. It's euphoric.
I mean, there's nothing like a buzzer beater
moment. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Where
it the the the time is winding down
and you make that move and then or
your teammate makes it and then it's just
the crowds going wild internally
and then externally as well. There's nothing like
that. But then,
allowing that also to be a buzzer, beautiful
moment within some type of even though that
can be. Yeah. It is. It is. It
is. Definitely. But to where when it's okay,
I have those alone moments as well when
I'm reading the Quran, or I'm praying, or
I'm sitting with good companions.
They're talking about good things. Yeah. You know,
I think those it's really that that that
element of transferring
that dopamine from smoking weed,
from *, which you wanna talk about,
from
from, you know, from video games
to where they make that conscious choice
to do these things that they know are
better for them. And how they know it's
better for them because it's generally
prescribed by Allah Subhata and the deen of
Islam. And I think that's a healthy transition
from boyhood,
you know, to manhood. Yeah. You know? Yeah.
It unlocks, I mean, it unlocks a habit
that allows the dopamine to just run. Because
otherwise, I mean, it puts you back on
it. The the the bad habits turn into
good ones and the good ones keep bringing
more good ones. Mhmm. When you're going out
with, you know, good brothers,
you're having a good time with them, you're
playing, you're exercising, then that becomes, okay, let's
do aisha after,
after we work out. Then after we work
out, you know what, let's go get some
meat. Yeah. And then when you go eat,
the conversations you have are normally productive conversations.
Yeah. How do we, as young men, how
do we, you know,
increase our deen, increase our iman? How do
we make more money? Yeah. You know, and
when you have a big group, a small
community that turns into a bigger community, then
you start to have a lot more power
as an individual.
And we don't have a lot of that
as a young man. Power.
I think that's important for a man to
strive for is is is power
within himself to show that you have a
level of authority and control over yourself,
which will have an effect on others. I
don't know if you you mentioned,
you know, when the guys hang out and
then one gets up and says, yo, bro.
I'm I'll be right back. And they're like,
where are you going? I'm just gonna go
pray real quick. Yep. Just that that little
I've heard so many stories from brothers that
were Muslim at the the Dawats. Right? They
come the Dawats.
The Dawats
is like the the how would you like,
the party? The party is here. Yeah. For
holding together. Goes down. Right? No. It's
it's the parties. Right? The cultural parties. Right?
And I remember one brother. He was Muslim
Right. But internally, he wasn't. He told me
I was not Muslim. I I was gave
up on God Islam, and it was his
cousin.
A guy would say, hey, man. I'm just
gonna go pray. You know, one day he
was like, come on. Just go pray with
me. He said, I went and prayed with
him that day. He said, it just put
something in me. And then one time I
heard a lecture about 1 share of hair
and that's when it really just changed my
life. You know, I was really like, man,
I started doing self review introspection, thinking about
my life, thinking about what's going on, and
then it just opened a door for me.
I saw him. I saw him. I saw
him. Yeah. Your friend is the one that
brings you closer. Right? You know? So many
stories. I mean, I remember there was a
non Muslim brother. He was, know, he's hanging
around a Muslim,
and it was a Super Bowl.
And then it was, like, it was a
halftime show. Yeah. I go. The Muslim got
up and went to pray. Yeah. And he's
like, where are you going? He's like, I'm
gonna go pray. He said, I made so
much fun of fun of him. Why are
you gonna go you gonna go pray? It's
the Super Bowl. But he said from there,
that was the seed. Even though I made
fun of him, it was the seed for
me to to go and do, to learn
about Islam and he became Muslim and went
to study and now he's a sheikh.
So,
transitioning on to the last one.
So, we talked about weed, we talked about
video games and these are I mean, we
could say this is almost every Muslim.
It's prevalent. It is prevalent. It's prevalent. No.
It's just almost every Muslim knows. No. I
said, not not almost every Muslim does.
They know that this takes place within our
young our young men and even young women
as well. But this challenge here of *,
of, you know, a young man
looking online
or on television
at 2 individuals
doing that particular act, impermissible act.
What do you see
from that
causes the addiction? What about it causes the
addiction? So, video games,
it's feeling like a hero
in a particular
village or whatever video game you're playing,
defeating the enemy. That mode of aggression
is being let out,
competition,
which is inherently
a male characteristic, which is fine. And you're
using it in that way,
but which can be detrimental, which we talked
about.
From communication,
communicating with others and, you know, not time
management, not being responsible. Weed, same thing, not
being responsible,
Destroying your body ultimately in the process. But
this here,
*,
how is that detrimental
to a young man's development? There's a lot
to discuss there. I think someone referred to
it as the * demic.
Wow. Okay. Right? Okay. It's, it's out there.
It's widespread,
and the exposure is getting younger and younger.
Last last I saw the research, like, as
young as 9. Oh my gosh.
And a lot of times, it's not even
intentional.
Right? And this is very important when it
comes to those
who surround the person with the addiction to
help them. Because a lot of times, it's
unintentional exposure. What 9 year old
is going on intentionally looking for stuff? Right?
Something pops up, something is school. Right?
And so that can lead to that.
The problem with,
with this particularly for men is it's basically
Shaytan
twisting something which naturally we have
inherent in us. We have a natural attraction
for women. As a matter of fact, it
is the greatest tribulation.
Mhmm.
Prophet said in Bukhari and Muslim that I
have not
left a temptation
greater for men. It's not diminishing women's status
by any means, but this is a reality.
Now, we want to pretend it doesn't exist,
then that's fine. You can go live here,
you know. Fantasy. But we'll live in reality
here. Mhmm.
So this is a a great trial and
tribulation for men. And so this
is the ultimate
form of exaggerating that. You know, we talk
about dopamine. Dopamine,
when we walk when you walk in here
to do this, there's a hit of dopamine.
It's like, oh, we're going to have fun.
Right?
Now, what what these dictions do is they
get us to unnatural levels of dopamine that
we weren't designed to handle. And so now
that becomes the norm. You see? So
now, if you can just swipe
or type in a web address and you
can see anything you want and you you
can see 20 different women in an hour,
Now, when it's time for the halal relationship
Mhmm. It's not as appealing because Mhmm. That
person is not artificial.
That person,
has emotions.
That person has ups and downs. Right?
And this is the greatest thing for for
young men who are on the edge or
not involved.
That that's it it can vary. There's a
high probability it's going to affect you
later on when Allah
gave you an outlet to make it halal,
which is through marriage. Right. Right? Right. This
whole thing like dirty and all that. No.
No. There we have,
etiquette as Muslims, of course. Mhmm. But within
a context of marriage.
So if if some young brother's watching there,
he's like, oh, I I know I saw
some or my friends are watching it, just
be warned. This could this could
affect your life for years years to come.
And it may even affect it in other
ways, which maybe
for the older audience, they would understand
as well. Yeah. So that's that's why, again,
it goes back to prevention is is the
most,
that's the most important thing. In terms of
other things that can happen to your question,
we find, it's not unusual
to start on something more tame
and then it gets
into more more
nastier and nastier and you'll find the person
will be saying after a year, they're like,
man, I remember I just started out with,
like, watch some provocative
videos, you know, music videos or something. It
wasn't
*,
But now, I can't I like, I'm disgusted
with myself, but I'm getting like, what's happened?
True. It's it's just like a substance. You
build up tolerance.
Right? That's why the drug dealer on the
on the, playground, the first hit is free.
Mhmm. He wants to draw you in. They
draw you in. Yeah. And then so so
this kinda gets them in, and then but
after a while, that's not enough. Yep. So
you need you need something more. You need
something more. Right? Yes.
And it's actually growing in young Muslim women
as well. Not at the same levels of
men, but absolutely prevalent. So I've, you know,
I'll I've worked with clients that
you see, like, you know, they maybe they
had an, you know, an affair or did
other things.
Where did it all start? Mhmm. You know,
it started with a *.
Really? That's where it started. It creates a
fantasy that they want to stay in. Reality.
It's a fantasy and they want and they
have to fulfill that fantasy. Yeah. Right?
There's so much that comes from this. I
mean, subhanallah, you think
of and it just reminded me. I remember,
there was an 8 year old boy. He
received this from his friend a small strip
of paper
and it had a a a a it
was like an address on there, like an
email address, something he went on there and
knows a * site.
So then he went and told his mom,
come to find out that 8 the other
8 year old boy was giving this to
other 8 year old boys in the classroom.
Mhmm. Right? So it's kinda like That's insane.
Yeah. But you you find just like you
mentioned, it's a natural thing within us to
be, attracted to the opposite gender.
Maybe now with even 8 year olds, so,
which is about a good 7 years before
even puberty hits, you know.
But sometimes, it's like the 8 year old
has maybe 15 year old brother, 6 year,
that they wanna be like. Right. Yes. And
then they're sick, which is natural Yeah. Which
is normal, which is good. Right? Or they
may catch their father
k. Uncle
Right. Yeah. Doing some of these things. Right?
And you say, okay. Well, you watch this
and then, you know, or learn from this.
Right?
What I've seen is that subhanallah, it creates
unrealistic
expectations, makes them very responsible. It's a really
good book,
the boy crisis.
Mhmm. I want to tell you, you know,
he talks about how, you know, the effects
of of * and from that is
it takes this this very this very honorable
union between a man and a woman and
it cheapens it
Yeah. To where when you look at now
I've seen, you know, young men look at
look at young women, you know, at these
conferences, the Islamic conferences,
and they look at them as a piece
of meat. Yeah. They rate they just start
rating them. Start rating. Start rating them. That's
like a go to every single guy you'll
talk to if there's women that pass by.
7 out of 10.
Really? Yeah. Yeah. 100%. That's crazy. It could
be I mean, man, it doesn't even matter
what the age group is. You could be
with like a bunch of 30 year olds
maybe who are even married. And it was
just it's just a joke. I mean, it
became a joke but in reality it did
start in a very dark place.
That's interesting.
How long? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So you just
look at them as as as as a
body, like you said. Yeah. It's a conquest.
It's a
And
that is very unhealthy for the Muslim man.
That's gonna be responsible
because it takes them on a more of
an animalistic approach and that's where, you know,
sometimes they'll find themselves,
you know, if you imagine, imagine if you
combine all 3 of these, right? Video games,
weed, and *.
I mean, you you probably will be someone
that doesn't know doesn't know how to communicate
to her in the future when you speak
to a potential father-in-law,
you don't know how to talk to him.
Yep. He's gonna look at you like, yo,
can we hold a conversation?
And you're not there responsible. You probably you
probably have a job or degree maybe, but
you don't seem like you have any goals
or ambition
because you're always on weed and then you
may look at the female, his daughter,
as someone that is just a piece of
meat. Someone that is not someone that you
would respect and honor that's gonna be a
future mother. Wife and a mother. Yeah. Wife
and a and that's why it's the beauty
of the the son of the prophet when
he says your mother, your mother, your mother
when he asked the prophet who has the
most right of my companionship. I think I
think it's crucial
always as Muslims, this is connected to a
higher purpose.
Right.
I I can give you a secular argument
against,
marijuana. I can give you a secular argument
against *. And those can be useful.
Mhmm. But that's not what it's all about.
Because eventually, you it's it's going to end
with, well, if you don't have any belief
in something else, well, then as long as
you're not hurting anybody. You can do whatever
you want. And and what is the argument
against that? If you don't have any purpose,
if you don't think you're gonna be, you
know, resurrected and questioned, then
let's be honest, we would just do whatever
we want. Right? If we didn't have Islam,
who knows what life would be? Yeah.
And that's why it's it's a it's a
foundation. It's it's the anchor that brings it
all together. You take it back. It it
is a nest it's a core component. It
has to be part of this process for
anyone trying to get out of these things.
If it's
not,
you know, then there's just, there's a huge
hole that's not going to be fixed. Because
firstly, when you talked about, like, for instance,
it'll start off by listening to music. You
know, I listen to certain types of music
music, whether it's the girl talking about her
love story and her epiphany to this particular
man and this, you know,
this, you know,
prototype of someone that is just a perfect
guy, or it's the guy talking about how
he dogs women.
Right? Or I tell you, you know, certain
things that he may say that insinuates
some type of sexual interaction with her without
any type of emotion, without any type of
regard
and loftiness of the woman, or any type
of respect of the man and the leadership
of the man.
So that if they're listening to that consistently,
it's going to take a toll on their,
you know, on on them. I remember I
was I was I was amongst a group
of young girls just talking to them about
masculinity.
So one of them was, like,
why are we sitting here talking about masculinity?
Shouldn't you be talking to the boys?
And I just said this. Alright. I was,
like,
I'm gonna say these words. I wanna see
y'all's reaction. I said, call me on my
cell phone,
and they all started laughing. I was like,
how do y'all know what this is? I
said, complete the verses.
Right? Yeah. They knew. When that hotline bling,
it can only mean one thing. What's the
one thing?
Do you think that one thing is there
to be a man that's gonna protect you
and honor you or to
and quit it?
Right? And where is it gonna leave you?
It's gonna leave you emotionally
attached to him and he could care less.
So when it's these things that we're watching,
television shows that we're watching, and make no
mistake that it will take a toll on
you and the way that you view
the opposite gender, which will have a detrimental
effect on it. Remember, we're we're imams sitting
here. I mean, we've seen, I the effects
of a man that when he when he
takes those layers off, it was, yeah, when
I was a teenager,
this is the relationship I have with a
woman. Or when I was a teenager, this
is how I really view, you know, I
grew up watching * all my life and,
you know, I realized that I can't treat
a woman like that. And they got a
divorce because the woman saw that he was
a totally different individual Yeah.
At home. Ask divorce lawyers. Oh, man. They'll
tell you that. Subhanallah. Yeah. A long mistan.
Yeah. May Allah protect this man. But definitely,
man, I
think it's it's it's very important, you know.
And I like how you you mentioned something
else, which made me think that, you know,
you joining I don't even wanna say joining
because it's inherent within the deen of you
being a counselor. Right?
But it brings it practical
sense to the imam's lifestyle.
Because let's be honest, a lot of times
young men, young women, youth, when they see
the imam, they turn the other way. They're
like, okay. Let me go
somewhere.
And what
because,
the imam sometimes
does not understand their reality.
You know, myself, I didn't grow up in
social I didn't grow up with internet.
You know, it was Zelda and Super Mario
Brothers and but then with the internet, it's
my responsibility to to kind of have some
kind of understanding Yeah. Of what they're going
through. Particularly the young men, what they're going
through. And I think it's important that there's
a synergy that you have
with counseling and and,
really assisting the young the Muslims in general,
but in particular this situation, the young Muslim
in this specific. And you yourself you know,
you said you got married at in your
twenties. Yeah.
You know I always tell my friends
there is some luck to it but it's
not really a lot of luck. It's me
and my brother came to a conclusion one
day that Khalas like we're not going to
look for him and we can't. It's impossible.
We we look we were so we were
looking around and we're like, man, it's so
bad out here.
And, no, funny enough, but seriously because Yeah.
You know, you you look at your parents
for example. I look at my mom. My
mom, she's a perfect like, I I love
my mom and everything that she stands for
all of us. All our mothers, all our
mothers, they'll website them. Yeah.
They're they're great examples
and they're not the same you don't see
those same qualities as much anymore. But subhanallah,
that's what we came to the, you know,
conclusion is khalas, like, we're we're just gonna
give up for now. We're gonna work on
ourselves. And what I realized was the more
you try to attract, the more it causes
problems. So you just gotta work on yourself
and that automatically attracts the good to you.
Hold on, stop.
The more you try to attract, the more
it causes problems. Unpack that.
If you try to do things before the
time is right or if you push yourself
beyond what you're supposed to do then you
end up kind of shooting yourself in the
foot. A lot of men will try to
go attract women and talk to girls and
do all that but it's like bro where's
your iman? Where's your deen? When was the
last time you made a dua for a
good girl? Like for a good wife to
come in your life? A lot of brothers
don't even think about like deen and they
just let it go. Well, so what happens
is you attract all the bad potentials
because trust me, the good potentials, the good
women will not pop up if you're in
that route. If you're not a good guy,
Allah will not send you a good girl.
It's as easy as that.
So it's funny. You when when you put
yourself in that position, Allah will Allah will
make it happen. I used to there's one
verse in the Quran.
Mhmm.
I was thinking man like and this is
a real problem. I'm gonna be very blunt
right now.
Especially growing up here,
during my high school years and you see
all the
the men and the women, the girls and
the boys, man, it's like, it's crazy.
I mean, you tell them it's almost embarrassing
to say you're a virgin. You'll get you'll
get cooked. Yes, man.
One time, a funny story, I was at
work,
and
this lady was talking about her her whole,
you know, sexual life and this is another
thing. They have no higher in that which
is kind of crazy.
She's talking about it and then I was
there and I was trying my best to
just not avoid the combo. She turned at
me and she asked me, she was like,
what's your body count?
So I I laughed and I was, you
know, it's harlot. I wasn't embarrassed, but I
knew it was coming. Oh, just just just
just
parents,
okay.
This is common.
If your son is working,
even amongst Muslims, man, it's just I mean,
like Yeah. I mean, we're on there right
now. Right.
Body count means how many people have you
had * with. That's what body so what's
your body count means? How many? Not have
you.
Okay. How many people have you had *
with? Continue.
So, I just laughed and I said, nah
I 0. I don't really get into that.
And she just smacked her hand like this
on her head
and she just started laughing. I was, you
know, I just I just played it off
and it's probably just made me realize that
man, we are really at a time where
we are the strangers.
So we are the strangers. So alhamdulillah, I
made the decision that you know, brother, we
kinda talked about it and we laughed about
it but we said, call us like we're
not gonna
for it. If Allah doesn't make it happen,
we're not gonna do it. SubhanAllah, when you
do that, wallahi wallahi, I promise you. It
just it came out of nowhere. I wasn't
even done great like with college.
And Allah Subhanahu Wa Salam someone who's
exactly what I was looking for and even
better than me Alhamdulillah.
So it's not a We don't wanna say
try to get points there. That's right. Go
ahead. No. But that's it. I mean Yeah.
We we seed you.
Yeah.
I'm so rubbish.
But
and this is the question I wanted to
kind of follow-up on that. A lot of
brothers know and a lot of sisters know
the problem they're having and the reason why
they run away from imams or turn around
is because the imam
embodies the problem. He knows that okay this
is I have to confront myself when I
see him cause there's no way I can't
finagle. Mhmm. He's gonna ask me,
halal al haram. Mhmm. And I can't play
I can't say no. It's a wall. Mhmm.
So people that do know that, people know
there's people know that I have a problem
and this bad for me and it's causing
me problems, and they wanna take that step
forward.
What is your advice to a brother who's
having addictions with any of these substances?
What is the first step forward?
If your brain is used to this for
10, 15, 20 years,
and you haven't been able to stop it,
you're probably not gonna be able to stop
it with what you're doing.
Whatever you've tried, you've actually ended up, it's
not working. Right? That's the definition of insanity.
Keep doing
the same thing over and over again.
What we find in our communities
is now they're like, okay, I know it's
wrong. I wanna stop it.
Now what do I do? I don't have
anywhere to go. So they just keep getting
pushed further back and further back and further
back and further back.
I tried
so hard to start,
like, a support group
for Muslim men around this topic in my
previous community.
And it was like,
we do we can't do it in the
masjid because we don't want people to know
that we're here. Okay. Okay. I respect. How
about the building outside?
That might work. I don't know. We can't
do that because they're gonna see the cars.
Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Oh, man. How about
a room in a library?
Okay. That might work. But then, like, are
they gonna tell, you know, what if I
see somebody and I'm like, hey. Oh, did
you see this guy? He was the oh,
man. It was just this over and over
and over again, and nothing, bottom line is
nothing got done. Right? Mhmm. After years, we
finally were able to
to get one going where there's it's virtual
so you can
keep it a little more in the comfort
zone. So the yeah. Exactly. And the the
Cameras off. Cameras off. No mics. Names changed.
You know, you can you can do whatever
you want. You can get some crazy AI
in there, some British accent. What whatever you
want and knock yourself up.
But the idea is there is support.
That's a very simple,
cost effective
thing for
masjids to start.
Something to support
the people with this struggle.
And I found that and this this is
an indicator of long term success as well.
Support.
So they don't have any support.
So if you've been doing this for years
years,
step 1 is
you need
to reach out to someone that can
maybe give you some tools that you're not
able to have. Most of the the the
people involved in this, the young men,
they are not bad people.
It reminds me of
Abdullah
in the Hadith, which we'll just
mention quickly for our reminder.
This was, of course, someone in the time
of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam used
to make him laugh. Right? The caravans would
come in Yes. And he would,
you know, maybe some garments came in. And
so he used to take gifts to the
prophet, sallallahu alaihi wa sallam.
And then the the merchant would ask for
the money because in that day, I mean,
you're not gonna carry around, like, a bunch
of money that's not safe. So it was
very common to come back home. I'll give
you the money. And then he'd say, this
is a gift for you, Rasulullah, sallallahu alaihi
sallam.
And they said, now you gotta pay the
merchants.
Yeah. He's a prankster. And of course. And,
yeah. And and think about it. For you
to be the person
who makes someone with the the burden of
carrying the message to humanity laugh, that's a
special place. Yeah. I'm a special place. That's
a special place to be.
So he used to joke with him and
but he had another problem and, of course,
he used to drink. And every time he
would drink, the prophet would
not,
skip the punishment.
Mhmm. The had the
the legal punishment. Yeah. It wasn't like, oh,
you know, he he makes me laugh. We'll
take it. Every single and they said, I
did this multiple times
until one time one of the companions cursed
him.
May Allah curse him. How many times is
he gonna do it? Like, he just keeps
coming over to that sounds like an addiction.
Right? And, of course, the prophet did not
say ameen.
He did he did not say anything to
increase that. He said,
Do not curse him. Why? Because this is
someone.
No. I know, and in other narrative, I
all I know of him is he loves
Allah and his messenger. All I know of
him. Right. But he has
this problem. This is how I would describe
the majority of the men that I work
with with * specifically. So how I tell
other people, I'm like, you're you would want
your daughter to marry them if we remove
this
problem. I don't know. Obviously, this is a
problem. Right. I'm not saying to do that.
But if you just character,
desire to to become better Muslims,
all of this stuff, Like, in general, wonderful
people. Yeah, man. But the brain has gotten
hijacked, and it's hard to undo something for
15 years. So if it's not working on
your own,
there needs to be
some
additional support, additional help.
Groups can help with that. Number 1, because
I think they can be put together fairly
quickly. Number 2, they're they're not cost prohibitive.
Sometimes cost can be a factor Right. And
it's easier to take, groups. So that's something
I think, you know, if if if massages
wanted to prioritize, there's no question that they
could have these types of groups very quickly.
It's interesting. You said a couple of things
jokingly, but I mean, this is a good
start. And I love that you mentioned it.
I mean, you can start zoom,
you know, online
communities
and literally AI your voice. No one knows
no one know who you are. You still
get your question out. And then I think
that's masculine in of itself because you're willing
to go and seek help. You're honest with
yourself. That introspection, you say, look, I gotta
do something. First step. Yeah. The first thing
is that this is not good. Hopefully, it's
it's not good because Allah doesn't love it.
Right? And it may be not good because
I'm seeing what it's doing in my life
and speaking to someone willing to be out
there. So you realize that someone else is
going to know about it now. Yeah. That's
honestly that's honorable
that's honorable
as well. And it's indirectly kind of taking
a risk. Yes. Right? 100%. And all of
that is masculine. All of that is masculine
because you you want to ultimately be get
better. Right. Yeah. You have an ambition to
be better, and which is a praise. And
that's why you when you said, you know,
take this out. This is someone you wanna
marry your daughter to because you gotta realize
this person was honest enough to come
to the to anyone, but particularly
the, the the counselor. So Yeah. Now people,
you know, they might say, well,
okay. I'm I'm kinda hidden, but, you know,
what if they find out my IP address
and they link it to my like, we
need to kinda get beyond this
if if we want solutions. If we don't
want solutions, we can keep doing the same
thing we're doing Right. And have people coming
at 25, 26, getting married who have seen
more things than the biggest player used to
see before technology. Right. Right? In their 10,
15, 20 years before that. So we kind
of need to get beyond that. It's not
exposing sin if you're trying to fix them.
You're not coming there Yeah. To talk about
everything you did. It's completely different. Right? But
people have this mentality sometimes.
May Allah bless a brother who gifts me
my
my aayub, my problems or my issues. Mhmm.
And I love that hadith because he says
gift.
Like may Allah bless a brother who gifts
me Mhmm. My problems. Yeah. Because it is
a gift. People won't tell you. People won't
go up to tell you, hey, man. You
know, you're
you're off. You know, set back up. They
won't tell you that. It's it's a gift
really to, you know, be told something like
that. Yeah. And I think I wanna ask
you, sheikh, a question.
Would you say something as simple as following
these habits
with a good habit?
Would that be a good way to start?
Because sometimes, man, you know, getting to those
groups is very, very helpful. But even then,
sometimes it's way too out of reach for
some people. I feel like they're just not
there yet. So how do you break the
ice and get to a place where you
can even get started with that? Well, firstly,
I think, you know, as the prophet said
to Mardin Jervin, one of the things he
told him, he said, it took a lot
mess he said, it took a lot hate
them. I fear
Allah. Be mindful of Allah wherever you are.
He said, and follow-up a baddie with a
good deed will erase it. So if someone
is watching something online, and then they stopped
themselves, and they click the x outside of
the window, and they get up, and they
just call their friends and say, hey, man.
What are you doing? I'm just doing hey,
man. Let's just go to the coffee shop
real quick. Let's just go to the gym
real quick. Let's just go walk around. Or
he goes and walks around his neighborhood real
quick and just takes deep breath breaths and
just
thinks about what he's doing. Right? These are
these are conductive,
good steps for him to take. And as
he mentioned, which is very important, especially with
men now,
having these groups Yeah. Have it is so
important, Sheikh, as you mentioned, being
around other men.
That testosteroneal,
if that's a word Yeah. Energy
Yeah. Is well, I hate to what when
we hear the hadith of the prophet, it
was
I was behind the prophet when we were
riding on a donkey. Right? They were always
around each other. Men were always around men.
And this is so important because you may
be in a crowd of people, but you're
still lonely. Yeah. You know, you're at your
message, Jahmai. You see everyone. You're amongst them,
but you're still lonely. Yeah. You know, and
it's important to be around those people that
have those same experiences
and that I I know for a fact
and she can even interject on that is
that is what's gonna be able. That's a
that's a productive or realistic step. Right? But
but but we have to be aware when
it's shaped on. The IP address, I could
just hear Chaiton just whispering off through that
like What about the IP address? Yeah. Yeah.
They're gonna find me. Okay. Then what are
you gonna do then?
I'm comfortable. Are you comfortable now still watching
all this stuff? No. You've gotta do something.
You gotta you said, break the ice.
And the last thing I wanna mention is
that it's not going to be comfortable.
It's going to be awkward. Yep. Yeah. It's
supposed to be awkward. That's the whole point
of taking the risk.
It is going to be awkward. Masculinity is
about doing those awkward things as long as
you know that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala wants
that from you and loves whether it's praying
and the time's about to go out and
you go to the corner of the parking
lot or whether it's speaking to that father-in-law
that you know may diss you, you know
what I'm saying, but you still do it
anyway. Right. Or it's, you know, breaking out
of your shell and and turning your computer
off, closing the the the that laptop and
getting up and just doing something very, very
weird
that you know will 51% help you rather
than harm you.
Oh, yeah. The
covenant. And means, like, student. That's right. That's
very good question.
As always, man.
May Allah bless you all in.
Alhamdulillah, you had a souvenir for us that
you here at Imankiv, we asked our guests
to bring
a souvenir or a gift that has meaning
behind it. And said he has something for
us here. I did. Yes. So I have
here I have here a tennis ball. A
tennis ball. A tennis ball. Okay. Was it
in the game? You gotta you gotta toss
it. I was gonna toss it, but we
don't wanna mess with the mic. You see
that? Oh, maybe maybe that's why I didn't
it was the ball in the room. There
you go. There you go. The vanilla. Oh,
okay. Oh, there you go. You saw that?
You saw that? It's a little warmer. Okay.
Now, he's gonna start kicking. Is this a
good one?
No. I'll keep I'll keep it down. What's
the story behind this?
So, this, so there's there's a there's a
lot. Well, keep it brief, inshallah.
So, my first love is basketball.
Okay. It's not tennis. I mean, I was
Steph Curry before Steph Curry.
Everyone hears that this Fans. I was We
got camera, by the way. I get it.
But you see, if I but clearly, I
wasn't Steph Curry, so I didn't go anymore.
Okay. But that's another story. But I was
shoot Like, I could I could shoot. I
could shoot. Marcello.
And then came freshman year and I got
cut. Right? And so my boss It's kind
of an oxymoron.
Yeah. Exactly. Freshman. Exactly. I got a suit.
Freshman.
Yeah. That's great. Because they were not Muslim.
That's why. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yo, it
is justified.
Very, very disturbing. I was really disappointed. But
so then my older brother, and as we
said, indirectly, whether we wanna admit it or
not, we look up to our older brothers.
Mhmm. Myself. He also because when he was
a senior, I was a freshman, and he
was my he was, like, mister All Star.
He was in all the groups. He had
all the AP classes. All the teachers loved
him. And I remember I I started a
class with AP chemistry, one of the most
difficult classes I've taken in my life, including
a doctorate
degree. And the teacher noticed my last name.
She's like, oh,
you know, you're you're the brother. I'm like,
yeah. She's like, he's one of my favorite
students. I'm like, oh, you're gonna be disappointed.
Sorry to disappoint.
So, what he said mattered and, you know,
he said,
you didn't make the team. He said, no,
I didn't make the team. He said, well,
then you're gonna get put in PE. Right?
Physical education. Like, only losers go to PE,
man. You gotta play a sport. So, I'm
like, what sport am I gonna play in
the springtime? I played tennis like a few
times. Hey, man. Soccer's in springtime.
But
But but, hey, man. But, hey, man. Soccer
hasn't missed, man. It's all good.
Yeah. I didn't didn't have any desire for
soccer. I had a bad experience, but that's
for another day.
So so then I just said, okay, let
me just let me just play tennis. Now,
I had another friend who was a base
he was very good at baseball and the
coach wanted him to play. And for some
reason, maybe he wanted to challenge himself. He's
like, I'm not gonna play baseball. I'm gonna
try tennis. Very bizarre. Even to this day,
I think about it. So we used to
practice every single day
after school and tryouts came, made the team.
Mhmm. Kept progressing, got better.
Right?
Went through high school,
went on to play in college. I think,
alhamdulillah, I think I maximized my talent for
starting at 14 or 15 years old. But
when I was in college, I was, Islam
was very much a part of my identity
and it always has
been. And I think that's very important for
young brothers who are like, I don't have
a story. You know, like, oh, you don't
have to be like, you know, ground 0
and then become
religious or whatever. Right. It's great to just
have a little little, little journey. Right?
So,
I was, you know, very openly Muslim, didn't
have any problems.
But I was also known,
as having kind of a temper
on the court. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. It
was in fact, they gave me the best
racket toss on the team. I tossed it
from like the the the front, the back
net or something, all the way like to
the back fence. Like, it was it was
crazy.
So,
so one day and so I would kinda
lose it sometimes. And one day, I'm I'm
not even kidding. I'm I'm on the court,
and I'm, like,
kinda having, like, a meltdown.
Right?
Mhmm. And I'm, like, what kind of Muslim
is gonna display this behavior? When you go
out with the guys, they're going to the
club. You're like, sorry, guys. I'm not gonna
go to the club. Mhmm. They're offering you
weed. You're not doing the you're doing all
this stuff, and they know why. You're praying
at in the middle of the court for
a asr because of practice. Right?
But what kind of and that sort of
thing, I'm like, well, the prophet, if he
came here right now,
and he sees this, like, Muslim kid just,
like, acting a fool. Right? Cussing up a
storm and stuff. Love, forgive us. I'm just
leaving it real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so,
you know, I was like, this is this
isn't gonna work.
So it was that was kind of another
journey that that started, like, you can't be
doing this. Right? To become a little bit
more calm
and
but I I think that the discipline you
get out of sports is very important for
for young men in general. Some may say,
well, you know, I don't really play sport.
May I ask you not that good? You
know?
But that doesn't mean there's no room for
physical activity. Because now, I I mean, I
haven't played in a very, very long time.
Mhmm. But, you know, you still gotta exercise
because
your body has a right upon you. Mhmm.
So the discipline you get You talk about
the bond, spending time. What what is a
coach?
A coach is going to point out your
flaws. Right? You're going to It's it's like
a it's like male soap opera. That's if
you're on a team and stuff like, let's
be honest. That's what it is. Yeah. In
fact, now I think the programming is more
geared to that than the actual game itself.
Right?
The game is like 2 hours and then
they're talking about they got the pre game,
the pre pre game, the post game.
It it like it just goes on forever.
Right? Yeah. But it's all like healthy connection.
You're working towards the goal. Mhmm. Right? You're
disciplining yourself.
Right? You're not going like Draymond Green every
other time. Right? This is all very, very
important, but that was also this this little
ball Mhmm. You know, which was a little
bit bigger ball before, you know. Yeah. Yeah.
But, you know,
Allah opened the doors. When when one door
closes, 2 others open, as Ibn Taym
said. So that was just a little little
story behind this. So
May Allah
bless all of you for tuning in. And
please don't forget to like and subscribe and
comment. Any of the anything that you've heard
that resonates with you that you've seen resonate
with someone else, the mothers, the fathers, you,
young men in particular.
If there's something that resonate with you and
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