Abdullah Oduro – Iman Cave – Divorce Problem Or Solution #01 Before Marriage
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In general, we don't advise, like, marrying for
potential.
If you want somebody who's,
right, and she's working towards it, you have
to be fine with the fact that she
may never wear hijab. Years of maybe, like,
fighting, arguing, misunderstanding,
sometimes infidelity,
sometimes physical abuse. And by the way, there
are a decent amount nowadays of cases of
men being physically abused. Men being physically abused.
Absolutely. Unfortunately, guys will have this entitlement that,
like,
okay. I'm a doctor. I'm a surgeon. I'm
this, and I just want that, you know
excuse my bluntness, but I want that hot
wife, and they overlook
everything else Mhmm. Compatibility,
temperament, all of that. A sister who looks
very attractive but has horrible character becomes ugly
very quickly,
especially the brothers. Right? And they're like, oh,
you know, I wanna rescue this girl. She's
coming from, like, this family, and I'm like,
they have a dysfunctional family. They're bringing that
in to the marriage
whether they whether they like it or not.
Whether they like it or not. Yeah.
Assalamu alaikum. How's
everyone doing? I'm Abdullah Oduro and welcome to
the Iman Cave where we discuss issues of
male excellence while being grounded in faith.
I got a divorce.
Many of us don't want to hear that.
Some of us have even said it. But
in reality,
it's a reality that we all have to
embrace.
Some of you are listening right now, watching
right now, and your parents are currently divorced.
Some of you right now are currently going
through a divorce.
It may be ugly and it may be
a blessing.
Divorce,
problem or solution?
We're gonna cover that today because it's very
important in the life of a man that
he, if he is someone that leads a
family or someone that tried to be a
very important component
within the family structure,
he has to know what this means.
Many men right now that are looking at
marriage
are thinking, man, if I get married, it's
going to be detrimental to my manhood.
It's going to be detrimental to my success.
It's gonna be detrimental to my future.
Many men out there don't even want to
get married because
what's in it for me? If I get
a divorce,
it's not going to be to my favor.
What's going on in society now can be
detrimental
to me as a man and my success.
That's what we wanna talk about today, particularly
in this series that we're going to cover
of marriage or divorce. Is it a problem
or a solution
before marriage,
during marriage
and after marriage?
But today we're going to talk about before
marriage.
What is important for the young Muslim man
to know in regards to divorce,
in regards to that which can separate Anmark
Manoji,
an individual
from his partner.
And we're going to talk about that today.
Fikhilalal Hadith
in particularly in covering the particular Hadith of
the
Prophet that's on the authority of Abu Huraira
radiAllahu anhu may Allah be pleased with them.
That's narrated by Bukhari and Muslim where the
prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam says The prophet Sallallahu
Alaihi Wasallam
The prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that a
woman is married for 4 things,
for her money,
her lineage, her beauty and her religion. And
you'll be successful with choosing the religion.
Here he is giving a reason or He
is saying what men
typically usually marry for.
And we're going to cover each portion of
those with our beautiful guests today. Firstly, starting
with my man, Murad Ahmad, Hamdulillah, Ethan Soudi,
Enthusiast and Entrepreneur. Do you have your
up yet, man? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hamburgottis.com.
Hamburgottis.com.
Where they mansion
near you in a parking lot. He has
a food truck. He's gonna take the world
tour.
Soon. Very soon. Very soon.
And our last US guest,
MashaAllah Usman Mulkni, licensed marriage and family therapist.
Masha He's been around this community for a
while. He's a mentor of mine, In regards
to this, in this chapter of life, which
I feel is very, very important. He's been
involved in the Dallas community for a long
time. You look at many videos. I have
interviews with him in my Masjid and, Sheikh
Yasir Barjaz, Mashallah has been a very, very
important component in this community in regards to
marriage and
as we will talk about divorce.
Just giving a brief background of yourself, Usman.
Doctor. Usman,
where did you start out from? Where were
you born and raised? So I was actually
born in Pakistan Okay. But I came here
in 87, so, when I was very young.
I was 3 years old at the time.
And I spent most of my life in
Chicago,
studied. I was, similar to you, switched fields,
right, so I was a radiology tech for
about a decade. Oh, yeah, yeah. We spoke
about this. Yeah. We said, yes, operate the
C arm, that giant thing. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.
Memories. Right. Yeah. That was actually one of
the reasons some of my experiences there at
the hospital that led me to,
become a therapist,
some of the patients that I worked with.
And then I was a school teacher, so
I went overseas, studied in Egypt for a
little bit, came back, taught, taught Quran Masha'Allah.
In Maryland,
at Allahu Dagh School. Allahu Dagh. Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're familiar, love. You know?
Yeah. That's where even Muhammad Rashidhi from. That's
where
My family is very Shout out to Safiqa.
Very,
entrenched in that community, Hamda. So we've been
going there. This,
Like, the Sheikh Jafar Adris and all of
them were there. So not long ago.
Right there. Hamdah. Yes. Yes. And
then you moved to Chicago?
Yeah. So well, I moved from Chicago to
Maryland and back to Chicago
and then, subhanAllah, it was a Almagrib class
that Sheikh Yasser was teaching.
I came to visit him. He knew what
field I was in, and then he spoke
about the Dallas community. This is 2013.
Okay. And then he was just, like, really
selling the community and saying, like, look, you
know, come come here. It's like, you know,
we need somebody with that skill
set. So I just hummed. I said, Bismillah.
I made the move. Wow. It was a
scary move,
Honestly, I had like $400
in my bank account.
I had, like, a relatively cushy, comfortable
hospital job and just said Bismillah and just
drove here. Wow.
Yeah. The rest is history. Yeah.
You mentioned that the medical field, there were
some experiences that made you wanna transition. Do
you mind
unpacking that a little bit? Sure. Right. Right.
So as a radiologist had some of the
procedures that we would have to do were
like very lengthy, like lower GI studies, upper
GI studies that would take several hours,
right? And I would find myself just sitting
there and chatting up and talking with the
patients, right, just getting to know their life
and so on. I was like, oh, I
really like this,
you know, seeing their traumas and just, you
know, making them more comfortable.
There was one lady in particular, subhanallah, she
was
a * victim. She was a victim of
sexual assault, and she had to go through
a very invasive procedure called a lower GI.
GI is gastro intestine. Lower GI study. Intestine.
Right. Where they basically take an NMI and,
like Yeah. And it's, you know, because they
were trying to rule out cancer. Yeah. And
she was just you could see the trauma
not only on her face but her entire
body. She was shivering. She's like and, you
know, we had to get through it. So
I just SubhanAllah.
And, you know, I I spoke her through
it, you know, I spoke her through it
and then kind of walked her through it
and everything. And I was like, subhanallah, like,
you know,
that was a crime which was not her
fault, but yet she has to carry that
trauma It's Karla. You know, the rest of
her life. Wow. And then when I was
at Alhuda,
there was a 5th grader who lost his
father. You know because it was Islamic school
was attached to the masjid, anytime there was
a janaza he would just have a complete
panic attack. Right? And this kid who was,
you know, relatively, you know, good student, had
friends, all of a sudden like you know
his grades dropped socialization all of that and
so I spoke to one of my mentors,
Imam Safi Khan. Mhmm. Yes. This is in
2008. Right? So I mean I mean and,
you know, he I told him like is
there anything we can do for him and,
you know, at that time sources were really
limited. The whole mental health field, Muslims going
to the mental health field was very limited
at that time. Mhmm. You know? You know,
like Sheikh Yasir Vazaga and maybe like a
handful of other people and that's it. That's
true. Yes. I mean, I mean, so he
encouraged me to go into this field. So
those two things kind of stuck with me
and then. Wow. Wow. And then turn back.
Alhamdulillah.
Yeah. It's beautiful. I mean that that's you
know within the chapter when studying in the
books of Firkuh when you go to what
they call ahuala sharseeyah.
Yeah, basically you say personal relations,
you know, that was the the chapter of
the chapters that really impacted me was Kitab
Al Nika and really Kitab Al Talaq, meaning
the book of marriage and the book of
divorce.
Because you realize
the beauty of the Maqas of the Sharia,
the Islamic objectives behind wanting to maintain families.
And make no mistake viewers and listeners that
when we talk about masculinity,
it is not to
talk or bash
feminine, you know, women
or their feminine nature. It is rather to
enhance it because our ultimate goal is to
bring to, to establish and maintain families and
anything that we can do to where the
young men understand the importance
of marriage and the importance of this universal
way of coming to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
This is our ultimate goal. So, you know,
when looking at this chapter of Anika and
marriage and of talaq you realize how Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala being that He's the all
knowing, the all wise and He created us
for a potential purpose
and how this marriage
is a way of maintaining that purpose. And
in some cases
divorce may be something that maintains
that purpose to where it can be,
a good thing in essence, you know, and
that's what we're going to cover InshaAllah Ta'ala.
So
when looking at this particular Hadith of the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam, what we're going to
do is we're going to cover each one
that he talked about, those 4 items.
And within each item, we're going to mention
the pitfalls
of having that mentality or of that approach
and some preventative measures that we can all
take as young men that look to get
married or fathers that want to speak to
our young men or mothers that want to
speak to our young men, sons,
nephews,
students in regards to this, chapter of life.
So firstly, the prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, he
said,
a woman is married for 4 things. Many
of the scholars mentioned that this is the
predominant
reasons
in which a man would marry a woman.
So the first thing he said was her
money.
Now
it's kind of interesting that a man would
marry a woman for her money,
but it's, it's, it's, an important
characteristic or angle to look at because,
you know,
it really as all 4 of these are
touching on the issue of compatibility.
When you look at her economic status,
which can carry over to the next one
being her family.
One man may marry a woman, let's say
particularly,
if she
is has a career already and he's in
pursuit of his career,
should he should he continue on with that?
Or it may be in education.
You know, you find that many men may
be,
intimidated. She's a PhD and I'm not.
What have you seen within your therapeutic practice
in regards to, you know, when a couple
comes in and they may be getting a
divorce, have you seen anything in this chapter,
in this portion, in this regard? I'm sure
you guys have heard the statistic of,
finances being the biggest factor of divorce. Yes.
That's true, but you have to read between
the lines. It's about how money is viewed.
Right? So if either partner
uses excuse me. Actually, one of my colleagues
reminded me not to use the word partner
nowadays. So if either spouse okay. Yeah. There's
a reason for that. So I'm like, because
that's been used to, like, break the traditional
idea family. But anyway, that's from
Joaquin or from Khalil Sibal Fikir.
Reading between the lines means, like, how is
money used? Is it weaponized?
Is it used to insult somebody else, to
put somebody else down? Right. So what I've
seen successful marriages where
one person doesn't have a bachelor's degree and
the other person has a PhD, but the
man has a drive and a hustle
and understands truly the meaning of kawama
and the wife respects that.
In fact, I know 2 couples personally where
the wife is, mashaAllah, a 7 figure salary.
And then the guy's doing okay,
what is your emotional relationship with money? Do
you have an ego? Do you have insecurities?
Because that's all going to come out whether
you make 40 k or you make 40,000,000.
You know what I'm saying? That's very interesting,
man. Yeah. And he mentions the the emotional
connection with money,
you know, and I always say this on
my fundraisers at the Masjid. I always say
it when my sheikh said when we're learning
Arabic he said, the word because
the heart leans towards it. That's why you
got it too. They put the pocket right
here, right next to the heart because we
put our money right
SubhanAllah. The pocket right next to the heart.
But subhanAllah, it's it's very, very important because
especially with, with what's going on now and
I'm not the kind of bash the younger
generations,
but it's, it's, it's,
the challenge may not be as hard as
it was in the past. May not be.
Okay.
When it comes to earning money with the
online
automation,
Money may not be something that is valued
in regards to earning it. It may be
something that is, you know, in Islam, we
don't, we don't hold money in high regards
for the sake of money.
It should be used as fuel to do
that, which is good. Right. Right. But I
love how you mentioned the emotional connection
because
the example you gave is profound. I mean,
a woman that earns no more than her,
her husband, but he understands the meaning of
qawama, the, the, the, the meaning of protection
and provision.
And he embodies that. Right. So would you
say that That's interesting. Yeah. Would you say
that, that, that
a preventative
measure
is what exactly is understanding
the kawama
or understanding
the functionality of money? Understanding your relationship with
it, right? Like, so if you have certain
traumas around it, if you are somebody who
like was
raised to be miserly
and now you know some, you know, you
marry into a family where
the woman was really free of you know
like asking and like she just got everything
that she wanted from her family because that's
what they were blessed with. Like you have
to check yourself. Is this compatibility? Is there
something that like I need to check about?
Like maybe I have a certain
unnecessary
level of fear about spending on my family,
you know, so a lot of introspection.
Is one of
the biggest
preventers of divorce.
That process, you know, and I hope I'm
not getting too ahead of myself right, but
I was just talking about this with my
wife actually.
Like when I work with divorced couples,
actually divorced individuals, right,
it's rare that I see the person really
regretting their decision. It's very rare. Usually they're
sure about why they divorced because it was
a long standing history. It wasn't just like
overnight. Right. Right. Years of maybe like fighting,
arguing, misunderstanding,
sometimes infidelity,
sometimes
physical abuse. And by the way, there are
a decent amount nowadays of cases of men
being physically abused. Men being physically abused? Absolutely.
Is there a is there a financial connection
with that as well? Is there a financial
connection? No. It's more about temperament. More about
temperament? Yeah. Okay. More about temperament. Yeah. Okay.
The the the the what was that? The
the the point is that, like,
sorry. I lost my train of thought. Yeah,
the premarital advice. Yeah, right. So when I
speak to people who are divorced, the thing
that they regret the most
is
why didn't they look for red flags? Like,
why did I just listen to my parents
and marry this girl because they approved of
her? Why didn't I fix this about myself
before jumping into it? Right?
So it it's it's those things.
It's not
about, you know, can we fix the marriage?
Sometimes you shouldn't fix the It's about why
did y'all get married in the 1st place.
Why did y'all get married in the 1st
place? Yeah.
Interesting shit. Like, I have something to say
about the
the wealth, because I understand there's an emotional
attachment. Everybody grows up depending on their their
understanding
of wealth and their their competence in dealing
with it and whatnot.
Right? But what we're kind of hinting towards
or leaning towards is like,
k, is it always necessarily
a negative thing Mhmm. When a man
seeks to get married for for money?
Mhmm. Mhmm. Right? It's like okay, because I
feel like, oh, I need her to have
more money. I I need her to have
more education in order for me to pursue
this marriage because he has a particular insecurity
and he wants to fulfill it through through
this marriage. Oh, okay. Right?
But,
what if it's a positive one?
You know, because the prophet said,
so he said a woman is sought to
get married for 4, so there might be,
there's positives
in that.
Right? And each one of them has a
positive and a negative sign except for the
deen, except for the religion one.
So what if a person
wants to marry a woman that knows
the value of money? Knows how it is
to work hard for it. Mhmm. And knows
how to manage it.
And doesn't want to marry someone
who does not know what it's like to
have money. Mhmm. Right. Right. Right. So is
that is that something that
that we can look into as well? That's
interesting. Yeah. That's more of a compatibility. Like,
both will, like, you know, both have financial
literacy. Like financial literacy.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of what
you mentioned with the earlier example you mentioned,
right, kind of sort of because, you know,
she was maybe an entrepreneur
and understands that and she loves that. And,
you know, let's be honest, there may be
a sister that may be divorced and she's
someone that is financially literate, maybe an accountant,
has an accounting firm and went through divorce
and the brother marries her and understands that.
She understands that I'm not that good with
money, although I make it. So that may
be something that is high on his list
when choosing a spouse. Correct. And that may
that brings malleability
to to the to to this portion. Right.
Yes, the parmah law. I'm I'm curious, by
the way, how do you reconcile, that with
marry for money with her wealth is hers?
You know what I'm saying? Like, it's not
yours. It's hers to spend on
herself
and choose to it to do it. So
how do you Right. So that I mean
that goes back to like even her lifestyle.
So say her lifestyle was a certain way
like that particular example,
you know, the money she makes is hers,
but I still have to spend on her
in this way. Now, does she understand? Does
she know that I solely will not be
able to provide
in the lifestyle that she used to have?
Like she has the black card and she's
used to having that black card and just
Right. Right. You know. But she's willing to
make that money to spend it. But she
knows if she loses that, they were gonna
go to a visa. Right. Right. Right. And
she's okay with that mentally. Right. Because like
you said, she doesn't have that emotional
connection.
Yeah. Unhealthy Unhealthy emotional connection to money. Yeah.
She recognizes that her husband is providing. Right.
You know? But it's like Maybe her husband
was like her father. Yeah. And she was
the one that broke the chain and made
it big quote unquote. Right. So that's, that's
what it would really we could say that
she could be really
in regards to that. So I say, I
think ultimately when looking at the emotional connection
with money, it's very important for young men
to examine. And I think it's important to
look at what we consume because
when you're talking about, you see these videos
get rich with 4 steps, get, get, make
money and then some, you know, let's be
honest, some guys are listening to music and
then money is like, that is the ultimate
goal and it takes you away from your
ultimate purpose.
And then sometimes you find on the female
side, the women say, if he doesn't have
money, there's 6 figures, there's no chance.
So then men will feel inadequate.
Right. And they close the door for marriage.
Right. So I think it's understanding money, as
you mentioned, and examining their their connection with
money, what it is and its functionality.
Sheikh, like when we saw when we say
the word Kawana, isn't it primarily
referring to the financial obligation
of the man? It can't be because I
mean, you know, Allah Subhana Wa Ta'la says,
wabi mea'afakuminamwali.
Wabi mea'afakuminamwali. Right after that. And what they
spend from their money. Yeah. Exactly. So so
if
to an extent, if somebody
seeks marriage
for the finances
that she can provide,
it ultimately takes away from their kawama to
that extent. That's it. Yeah. See, he he
opened the door, Murad opened the door. So
let me ask you this. No. Good. Can
we say
that because you made a very important tayid
or you made a very important,
caveat which is very important and that's what
I wanted to mention as far as a
preventative measure.
Drive,
ambition.
She may have the PhD and he's still
a sophomore in college.
Went to college late. Okay. He tried entrepreneurship
after he graduated from high school 5 years,
didn't work out, decided to go back to
college. When he was in college, he met
her. She is a senior. She came and,
you know, she has more money now.
But she knows he has drive
and she married him for that. He sees
within her that she respects him for his
drive.
Right.
What would the situation be
if it carries on and he eventually
loses
that drive?
Because what I think that you're alluding to
is that she may end up resenting him
if she sees he's just
on the couch
and doesn't have any drive to do anything
anymore.
Right. Right. And that's where the aliyahqawama
kind of disappears because Yeah. You know, when
when Allah says,
there's a level of respect
involved in that, that the woman always respects
the one that, you know, spends on them,
gives, you know, protects them, shelters them, defends
them against any harm, you know, is always
there for them. Mhmm. Right? Mhmm. As like
the person, they could they could lean on.
Libes.
Mhmm. Right? The Libes, the garment. Mhmm. When
a woman stops seeing that in the man.
Right. Right? She starts to think to herself,
okay, where's the kolam? You know? Right. Okay.
Now why am I gonna respect it? It's
the bomb defending myself. So have you seen
have you seen resentment
grow from
the wife for the husband because of the
lack of drive to continue on
a career that would eventually lead to him
financially?
100%. 100%. And it's it's it's not just
like, you know, somebody who's a sophomore in
high school. These are I've I've worked with
people who have degrees.
Right? Some of them
are like finished medical school. Some of them
have MBAs,
but they just
they don't have that hustle, right? Like when
we talk about drive, right, if somebody has
it, I feel
like they have it. It's not it's something
tangible. You can actually see it. Like, you
know, there's evidence of it, right? There's evidence
for this person like, you know, okay, my
parents didn't have much money, but I worked
2 jobs to pay through college, right?
It's a mindset. I have this mindset that
no matter what, I don't care if I
have to
drive Uber,
deliver pizza while going to school at night.
Somehow, someway, I
am I am going to provide for my
family.
Right? That mindset is is it usually sticks.
Right?
What what what I what I see often
is the, well, I'm above this job. I'm
above that job, so let me keep applying
for a job that matches my MBA or
something like that, and that's where the wife
will get understand this a little frustrated, and
I've seen this a lot where they're just
like, dude, just work anywhere. Work at Target.
Do something
and build yourself up. Right? Very interesting point.
Just a moment. It's about the idea of
just not stopping and, like, having this mentality
that I don't have a choice. And getting
over being seen, let's be honest. Yeah. Getting
over being seen at Target, bro. Right. I
mean, like Yeah. But the ego should. Yeah.
Ego. Like the like the ego. Like the
ego. Love it. Yeah. Like, his role should
take precedence over the ego. Exactly. Oh. You
know, 100 100%. 100%. Right? Yeah. That's humility.
Right? When I when I came to Dallas,
my my my son and, ex wife, we'll
get to were in, in Pakistan at the
time waiting for because I had already had
$400 in my pocket. Right?
While I'm setting up my practice, I'm from
the mercy of Allah, like, I was
during QI, during the Quran intensive, like, I
was driving their their van, driving the students
back and forth. I have 3 degrees. It
doesn't matter, though. You know, I love my
family more. I love my son more, you
know, than than my ego. Oh, that's what
you're saying.
Yeah.
It's and and and I I've seen I've
seen people do that and, like Work a
lot. This is what I advise, like, even
young sisters. I'm like, you know, if you
see that in a guy, you'll be okay.
Yeah. You know? That's a beautiful, that's a
beautiful, beautiful point. You know, you know, subhanallah,
my, talking about, like, marriage,
whatnot, my my father-in-law,
You know, Hajjali.
He was,
he's a lot of righteous man, you know.
He he,
he saw that drive in me, and that's
all he cared about. Like, I didn't really
have money like that. That's beautiful, man. But
he saw I was a hustler. Yeah. Mhmm.
He was like, he was like, okay, I
was still in college. I I didn't graduate
yet. Mhmm. But I tried to open, like,
I had business and
and whatnot. I used to, I was a
car dealer at that time. Mhmm. I'm still,
still to an extent the car dealer. I'm
always a car dealer.
Once a house, there's always a house. Like,
you just never stop. Yeah.
But it depends if I find a good
deal or not. Exactly.
But but at that time, like, well, later
I went and I was just talking confidently
and whatnot.
And when I spoke about the maha'at, it
was nerve racking. Mhmm. But,
you know, and now I made a commitment,
I'm like okay now I got this commitment,
I gotta I gotta grind. And subhanAllah you
know how Allah makes it easy.
So, you know the the Hadith,
the Hadith falasatun.
I memorized that Hadith for a while. No.
That Hadith Sheikh was in front of my
eyes the whole time.
I was seeking marriage. Yeah. 3 people that
Allah Allah
you have a right on Allah to help.
Mhmm. Like,
and if you are a single person that's
looking to protect yourself from haram,
then you have a right on Allah
to help and assist you in order to
Allahu.
Complete marriage and to to to pay for
it. And wallahi fa'amashi.
Wallahi wallahi
I had deals within 1 week SubhanAllah.
That I never, I never had in my
life.
Like I would make, like that month I
made, I made enough to cover my wedding,
and extra, and everything in between. Oh, I
saw that. In a single month. And I'm
like, yo, how am I getting these deals?
Where is this coming from? And it just
came. All I had to do was get
up and move. And I asked so many
shabab that are seeking marriage.
And
as long as you have that drive Yeah.
It's always that, like, because Allah knows your
capability. Yeah. You know, you can't just,
like that ego has to be separate, you
gotta grind. Which leads to the next part
in a hadith because all these are really
connected.
So the second part of the prophet said
Her family.
Marry her
or men marry a woman because of her
family.
Right? You mentioned your father-in-law
right? You know SubhanAllah and what he saw
the drive that he saw that quality that
he saw that
you'll get money regardless. That's that's a that's
a
a
a result of that of that, a byproduct
of that drive.
What are some pitfalls that we've seen
in regards to a man marrying a woman
because of her family or what I've seen,
you know, the belittlement
of the family of the man
towards the woman
or the belittlement of the woman's family
towards the man.
Have you seen that in your practice?
It's tough because some of those can be
red flags. Right? Some of those can be
like, oh, you know, should she be punished
for the crime of her parents? Right? Right.
Exactly. Talk about it. What? Yeah. It's like,
you know, when you're marrying, you're marrying into
a family. Right? Thank you. And so there
are certain things that,
you know,
in general, we don't advise, like, marrying for
potential.
Let me explain what that means. Right? So
if if somebody if you want somebody who's
muhajaba, right,
and she's working towards it,
you have to be fine with the fact
that she may never wear a hijab. She
may continue to work for it. The exception
to that, by the way, is finances.
That's where I say it's okay to marry
for potential. Right, because So there's a difference.
There's a difference, yeah, specifically with finances. That's
probably the only exception that I would see
because like that you could because it's natural.
The natural trajectory is like with life,
you get wealthier. But
that would mean like you're not only just
evaluating and accepting of like how her family
is, but how has that
affected her. Right? How does it affect her
psyche? Is that going to, you know, bleed
into the marriage?
So it's not it's not just about how
they treat you. It's about what that's done
to her and vice versa, right. So
I've seen this both with guys and girls,
right, if they have a dysfunctional family,
they're bringing that in to the marriage whether
they like it or not. Whether they like
it or not.
Yeah. So what have you done to break
out of that? And
unfortunately, I've seen people fall into this where
they get very emotionally attached and then especially
the brothers, right, and they're like, oh, you
know, I want to rescue this girl. She's
coming from, like, this family, and I'm like,
okay. Alhamdulillah. That's great. Have you assessed compatibility
at this point, or are you already infatuated?
Because if you're already infatuated, you're going to
have your blinders on, and you're you're gonna
you're gonna miss so much panalof. Can I
make a smaller suggestion? And I want y'all
to capitalize on this.
And we could just with Shoshin, this this
is why we're doing this in parts. That
I knew it. I knew this cannot be
covered in one show. Especially when I talk
with,
this man man.
You said,
what you you know, the word you used.
You said you gain, feelings. What was the
word you used? Infatuation. Infatuation. Yeah. Right? Ereshka
emotion, right? There's a level of, of, SubhanAllah,
which is like 8 levels of this emotional
connection. And I think Irath Talaifa is beautiful.
I just want to touch on the
gender interaction
and how
when, how, how touchy that can be
because the emotional
vulnerability
that can happen
if there's no intention for marriage. Yes.
Right. I was talking to someone earlier today
and you know, it's very important that we
understand when the opposite genders interact
the potentiality for vulnerability,
why it's present
and the man
most of the time has to take the
lead in knowing when to shut that down.
Right? Because if, if, if she ends up,
you know, you work with her 40 hours
a week or whatever the case may be,
she mentioned something personal
that door for emotional vulnerability opens up and
needing to be the man needs to understand
that, okay, if this happens,
emotions will come into play. And then when
he sees her vulnerability,
he may have some shuffle of her and
you know,
her father died when she was so and
so.
Well, I feel that I can save
her.
Right. And that's where
is it marrying her for the wrong reasons
at this time?
Or would you say yes? Yeah, no, no.
I mean, it you haven't actually taken the
time to as objectively as humanly possible. Your
emotions are always going to get in the
way. We can't 100% be objective throughout this
process, but objectively as humanly possible, like, you
you haven't done your due diligence,
Right?
Because,
you know, are you really going to look
at compatibility when she's crying about, like, her
father kicking her out of the house?
You know? Can you say that again, please?
Just say that again. I'm sorry. You look
at compatibility when you're, you know, you're thinking
about her father kicking her out of the
house. That's when and and you have full
good intention. Right? You're like, oh my god.
I've, you know, you know, you know, you
know, like, I wanna save her. This is
Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. It's it's it's
it's interesting, like, this this this idea of,
like, the gender interactions. You know, a lot
of young people feel that it's easier to
start off as friends.
Just let's put this in the for a
second. It's easier to, like, you know, start
off as friends and then, like, I want
to marry my friend. Right? Okay. There's no
research that shows that that actually leads to
a healthier marriage. In fact, it's it's quite
the opposite, which is this is this is
even the most liberal,
left leaning
professors of sociology and psychology are like baffled
by this statistic, but
cohabitating before marriage
it actually is leads to a higher chance
of divorce, which doesn't make sense. Right? How
does that make sense? Because you've already lived
with the person. You know, like, I don't
know
if like, how how, like, you've had the
passing wind, all of this. Like, you've different
spirits, all of that. Right?
So wouldn't it make more sense that you
already know all their bad, so you're more
informed, you have more data before going in?
Why is that? Right? You know, maybe it's
the barakah. Right? It's parallel. But there's there's
something there that you know,
I haven't seen any research that thoroughly explains
why that statistic is there, but it's there.
So the notion that, you know, you you
really have to,
have this chemistry. I I hear a lot
of young people say this word. Right? There
has to be chemistry. No. There doesn't.
No. Marriage can come after marriage. After marriage.
Right. You know I think it's all, it
all goes down to, or boils down to
expectation. Mhmm. You know when they, when you
come into marriage you have expectation, and there
are things that exceed your expectations
and things that don't. But when you go
in
after a relationship,
you know,
you're expecting
more from this marriage. You're expecting you're expecting
this game to be upped and and it's
not upped as much as you think Mhmm.
That it should be. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe
leading to, like, hey, I'll just go back
to Right. Right. What it was before. Right.
Right. Right. Right. There's there's a whole different
between boyfriend and girlfriend versus husband and wife.
Right? Yeah. Yeah. You know? Expectation and responsibility.
Alright. So so when we're talking about the
family, okay, so back to this family mechanism.
So one thing that for an example, you
will find a lot with converts,
right?
Particularly
the male convert that wants to marry into
the female
seat born Muslim.
She wants to marry. He wants to marry
her
and the family's like, no, because he doesn't
have a Muslim family.
Okay.
I've seen pitfalls in that regard, but I've
also seen that which, you know, pitfalls
on both levels. Pitfalls to where
the man will automatically
assume that because he's not a particular nationality,
that they don't consider him at all. And
he's probably very, very religious. Like he's probably
amongst the most religious
men that she's met and that they've ran
into. Right. But because of where he's from,
it's totally out. He's totally out. Interesting. Interesting.
And I'll find the opposite, which has a
consideration
to where the family, when they meet his
non Muslim family,
it kind of,
it kind of coincides with what you said,
like, okay, there's drama with the non Muslim
family. The father may be an alcoholic. The
father may not be in his life. He
probably doesn't know who his father is.
Therefore, those experiences pushed him towards Islam. Right.
But do I put my daughter in that
particular situation?
Right. Right. Right. So
what's the preventative measure that you would advise
in this regard? Like you said red flags,
right? What are some things that a mansion
look like? I wouldn't necessarily consider that a
red flag. Again, these are circumstances that the
person didn't choose. Right? And it and it
works, you know, it's case by case because
that person who came from that family could
also be so much more appreciative
Okay.
Of of the girl's family Yes. Of the
girl, of, you know, the, you know, the
Islam that they that they bring. Right? Yep.
And then,
forgive me if I'm, like, generalizing, but typically
with non Muslim
families, right, the mother-in-law
is not as invasive.
You know? So more hands off. Right? If
you marry a convert,
typically, the the mom is not going to
be you know, I'm speaking specifically like like
South Asian families. If you marry a guy
from a South Asian family, right, from Pakistan,
the mother-in-law is going to come with certain
expectations, this, that.
Right? I haven't seen it as much when
I work with couples where one is a
convert.
It's there, here and there,
but it's more about, like, okay, setting boundaries
about, like, Christmas and, like, parties and this
and that. If the guy
has the hikmah to be able to set
boundaries while still being respectful to his family,
but this is, you know, Sheikh, you know
this better than than us. Right? This is
a struggle of converts in general, like, you
know, having that balance of, like, you know,
while keeping their
keeping their family ties. I mean, I literally
that's what I went through. My mother lives
with me now
and, which is gonna I was gonna ask
you like, when does a man have to
stand up? Okay, right.
Christmas, I had to just make things very
clear.
You know, and, one thing, you know, my
mother, I mean, she I mean, I mean,
I mean, when I got married, she's like,
I'm not I'm just gonna make this very
clear. I'm not getting involved in your marriage.
I said, say the shihad the next. That's
all you're doing. Great.
Great.
Great. Great.
You know? And so So among desi moms,
that's a minority.
It's very rare for a mom to say
I'm not getting involved in here. Okay. Talk
talk to them. Okay. Okay. 1st, talk to
the the mothers, please.
And then talk to the sons in this
situation. The situation where the mother gets involved
with the boy that wants to marry the
non Muslim, the new, the new convert sister.
Right. Right. Right. No. No. Absolutely. So for
first for the moms. Right? And I mean,
you know, I'm a parent myself. I have
2 of them. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Stop babying your kids, especially your sons. Stop
babying them. Let them make their decisions. You
know? You're there as a guide, but, like,
you're raising a generation of
man childs. I don't know. Like, you know?
So,
that's to the moms, right, to to to
the sons. And this is something I've I've
seen a lot within,
within the Desi community in particular. I believe
it's an auto community. Please correct me if
I'm wrong. And that's the idea of not
for men struggling with this idea
of Biril Walidane
while balancing my wife's rights. And you know,
I love my family, but I also love
my wife, and I don't know how to
create that balance. Just with So I'll end
up hurting 1 or the other. Yeah. You
know? Yeah. And and that's that's it's always
a push and pull.
Is that a reality that you have to
accept the fact that you will hurt 1?
That you're not always gonna be the the
reality that you're not always gonna please everybody.
There you go. Yeah. Yeah. I think that
that's a safe that's a safe approach. That's
a safe approach. Yeah. Right. Right. I think
I I think that's a part of masculinity.
I think it's a rite of passage, you
know. Yeah. You know, knowing when to choose
mom and knowing when to because there's the
there's there's other fish in the sea, son.
Yeah. Right? Like that. Yeah. Right? As opposed
to,
well,
this you know, I'm not saying this fish,
but
she's definitely the one that's compatible. Right. And
just because she's not
let's just be honest. Just because she's not,
you know, Pakistani but she may be Indian
or maybe Bengali
or because she's from
Nigeria and you're from Ghana,
that is almost irrelevant.
Exactly. Exactly. And can you can you do
that respectfully? Like, you can set boundaries. Sometimes,
like, when I talk to young people about
the idea of boundaries, they think it means
like being abusive towards their parents and saying
I'm setting this boundary. No, that's not what
setting boundaries means. What is it? Setting boundaries
means, like, knowing your principles,
but being respectful to your parents as you
set those principles. Right? K. The the the
first generation of Islam had their boundaries. I'm
not gonna worship an idol. I'm doing this,
but they didn't curse their parents out while
doing that. Beautiful. Right? Beautiful. So that that
that that's that's our example.
And and, you know, we're going to differ
with our parents. Each generation is is is
different. Right? SubhanAllah, I don't know when my
daughter is 7 months. I don't know, like,
you know, by the time she's of marriage
age, like, what the, what the environment is
gonna be, what, you know, what the climate
is gonna look like. My thesis in grad
school
was actually on mate selection
within a
American population. It was a cross generational comparison.
So I was looking at what our parents
looked at
versus what we look at and the difference
in methodology. And so this is one of
those things like our parents' criteria is very
different from our criteria. Very different. Yeah, right,
at least within the box American population, right.
So,
they looked more for cultural compatibility where, you
know, I'm, you know, 1st generation, like, you
know,
I love Pakistan. I love the food, but
I identify I identify very much with, you
know, American culture as well. Right? I we
can quote Fresh Prince of Bel Air more
than I can, you know, quote or something.
Right? So I think it's, what what we've
seen, at least among the religious crowd within
that, is that they look for for religiosity
over culture, And so that's a shift that's
taken place. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Absolutely. And
then the cover falls right into it. Yeah.
Because I was gonna say as American,
you know, even with within Americans, I get
I guess I would say
3rd generation Americans, the cultural compatibility will kick
in as well. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Absolutely. You'll
find the Americans saying, man, why are you
marrying a Pakistani girl, man? Are you trying
to be Arab? Are you trying to be
I've seen and heard that. I think many
of the parents,
especially the, like, the the immigrant parents Yes.
That came here never thought as far as
to when their kids are gonna get married
in America. They just thought of coming here,
settling in Mhmm. And building in a life,
making some money.
Did they think of who their child is
going to marry and Mhmm. And what they're
going to be looking for in marriage, and
whether they're going to be religious or not.
Let's say there were no masajid and Islam
wasn't as strong or prevalent, and and there
weren't established
Muslim organizations and whatnot.
And they they would have just got watered
down and they would have probably ended up
marrying someone that's not from the culture at
all. Probably not part of the religion either.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. But now, alhamdulillah,
with, with Islam being
the, the common
ground,
that's a blessing from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
I think, you know, a lot of parents
kind of miss out on Right, right. On
seeing that, they just want a little bit
more,
no, yeah, me, you know, you can't
grab it all. You can't Right. You can't
have everything, you know. You moved thousands of
miles away,
and Alhamdulillahirabbalah.
I mean, this is a beautiful thing that's
taking place.
Right? Someone had said that when accepting Islam
and and coming in, and coming into the
faith, and SubhanAllah, my sister-in-law,
she married, she married a, a, a convert
mother, and, masha'Allah,
like, they're doing well, and they have kids.
Masha'Allah. And,
and and and things move on. And you
know there's a lot more intersectionality
there. But Is it okay?
Is it okay?
Because we're gonna be we are parents and
our children are gonna get married soon. Inshallah.
Inshallah. Okay. Is it okay for us to
say or that our parents said?
You know?
Well, that's
Why don't you just marry someone from your
own?
Right. Right. Yes. They feel like, oh, we
lost Murad, you know. Yeah. I got married
to an Egyptian. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah.
So and that's far for a Palestinian, you
know. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Like, although Egypt, like,
I see them as the same as us.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I grew up with
Egyptian,
brothers and sisters. Like, they're like, we grew
up with the same type of,
like, families. But, you know, with a little,
like some cultural differences and whatnot. Right. Right.
For my family, like, I think that was
4. You know? Mhmm. It was like, wow,
you know? You know, the rest of my
siblings all married Palestinians, you know? Interesting. I
like that. Okay. I see it. Right. Oh,
but Alhamdulillah, I'm happy, you know, and that,
that I,
that I did because I never saw that,
I never had that filter. Right. That she
had to be Palestinian. Although, and I respect
people that do because Right. Maybe there's they
they what they value Mhmm. Like I met
a brother who was looking for his He's
like, look, I love my food. I can't
stand somebody cooking anything that doesn't taste like
my mom's food. Right. Okay. I would just
not talk And that's okay. No. No. That's
fine. You know, that's just the, like, writer
book. Yeah. Yeah. Right. It's not the same.
Right. It's not the present. Yeah. That's the
direct Or or preservation of language. I've seen
that as well. Preservation of language. When we
get together, it's more comfortable. It's more Yeah.
Big thing. I've seen somebody like, a father
come to me because I I did some
counseling for, like, these younger kids. Like, I
gave them advice and whatnot.
And when the mom or the dad would
come,
they're like, hey, I just always imagine the
the children of my my my, the the
the spouses of my children
to all sit together and understand my language.
I don't know how to talk English. I
know. That's not my first language.
And, you know, I'll just, it'll he just
imagines
how the gathering would be without He had
a dream. Someone understanding. I'm like, yeah, but,
you know, and then you kinda gotta convince
them that, yeah, it's not Yeah. Yeah. That
much of a dream. Come on. Right. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Especially thank you. I give them
their life. So so your your family's from
Palestine? I'm Palestinian. You're Palestine. Okay. I'm Palestinian.
And I'm, like, I'm Barhuthi as well, you
know. So
the Barhuti family is a big family Okay.
In Palestine as well. So when often when
my people from my family get married, they're
like, oh, you gotta marry Barhuti.
Okay. That's That's it. If you can't You
go outside of Barahoussay, like if you marry
some other Palestinian Right. Like, oh, it would
have been a big deal. Like Right. Like,
oh, are you going to that village?
Nah, man. You know, like Is that tripping?
Yeah. It's a straight trip. Interesting.
That's the type of background. So I got
I went out, You know?
Alright. So so so my wife and I
went to Amra, a few years back. My
wife is Egyptian Syrian. Okay. And,
like,
when she would I speak a little bit
of Adab. Right? So, like, when we would
be talking to the cab drivers or, like,
when they would find out her for Pakistan,
there'd almost be this, like, but why? Why
didn't you marry an Arab? Yeah. I know.
Is is that a thing? Like, I don't
I you know what? Yeah. Is is that
a thing within Arab culture? Is it, like,
you know, where it's Mojood.
Okay. Mojood. It's an kid. It'll it'll be
like, well, I look I I'm gonna tell
you. It is Mojood. It is Mojood. You
are Mojood. I'm not I'm not trying to
pick out. I'm just I'm out. I'm just
I'm I'm curious. I'm curious. Yeah. I remember
the first time I went to Palestine, my
wife
and my my grandma
was like,
you could have married your cousin. Look how
beautiful she is.
And I'm, like, yo, chill out, grandpa. You
know what I'm saying? I'm trying to I'm
trying to live a happy one.
So so kinda look,
you find you find people like like like
that that just can't
can't get Yeah. Get over the culture part
of this shit. Can I ask you a
question? Yeah. That way I'm gonna clarify you
real quick. Yeah. No. No. No. No. No.
Why did you why did you succumb to
that pressure? I'm sure you got family pressure
of, like, you know, marrying within your family
or marrying within your specific
what what prevented you from succumbing to that?
I think,
for me, I was always I felt like
I was independent. I was very opinionated.
Mhmm. When I was a kid, I wanted
to, like, hold my own and and and
do my own thing. Mhmm. Like, from being
if I believed something, I had like a
conviction. Mhmm. If
it's right, it checks the boxes. Okay. The
culture thing never made sense to me. Alhamdulillah.
You know, like how it just like I
I appreciated the Palestinian culture.
I I like the culture. I take pride
in the culture
as a culture of of a people, like,
that I'm eth I ethnically belong to.
But it doesn't go past that. No. Yeah.
And it doesn't try and like it doesn't
go
to the point everything that you where it
dictates
my own happiness. Like this is my life.
I'm gonna live Oh, yeah, Sean. I'm gonna
live for whatever, 50, 67 years. I'm not
gonna let this culture that I I happen
to be born in
dictate how I'm gonna live this life. Mhmm.
You know what I'm saying? Mhmm. You you
were decisive. You were sure yourself. Yeah. I'm,
like, I'm looking for this type of wife,
and that's what I that's what I feel
I need in my life. Under my shell.
That's how I just made that decision. By
the way, that mentality is what we need
brothers to have,
that idea of, like, decide decide decisions because
that also translates over into being able to
defend your spouse, being able to, again, like,
have that grind and hustle. That all goes
together. Yeah. You know?
So Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay. So when we look
at that, being decisive in choosing a beautiful
woman.
Oh, okay. The prophet said
Yes. So men choose women
based off of their beauty.
Is that wrong or is it right?
What I've seen I guess we'll start with
the pitfalls is that, you know,
the men nowadays, they'll, you know
was it swiping right is good? And swiping
like if if it's with the the Muslim
apps. Right?
Yeah. If you swipe if she's beautiful,
Khalas. I no. I didn't read what she
does and what she values, but she's beautiful.
Okay. Then we'll take,
Right? I'm not gonna read her values and
what she what she,
her even her religiosity,
what you mentioned about the issue of of
hijab, if he values it, but she's beautiful
and doesn't have it. Okay.
I like what you mentioned. Then he should
expect that that may never happen. Right. Right.
Those pitfalls that I've seen with just looking
at beauty
that doesn't transcend over into the characters sometimes,
you know, the beauty is there. It's something
that is tangible,
but the intangibles of character, there may be
some conflict. And I've seen that a number
of times. What have what have you all
seen in that regard? Yeah. I've seen both
extremes, by the way. I've seen I've seen
the other extreme where, like, somebody will marry
a student of knowledge or somebody will marry
Jesperdin That's the next but there's no there's
no there's no physical attraction and then intimacy
affected. And I've seen some I've seen it
end horribly, unfortunately, where, like, if I just
called the guy, I'm like, dude, like Yeah.
Say that one. Say that one. Say that
one. Say that one. That's the next one.
Yeah. That's the one. Yeah. But for but
the other one is so the so for
the beauty. But but but for for the
beauty, and I I mentioned this to you,
like, when we spoke earlier, like, you know,
there have been times where,
unfortunately guys will have this entitlement that like,
okay, I'm a doctor. I'm a surgeon. I'm
this and I just want that, you know,
excuse my bluntness, but I want that hot
wife,
and they overlook
everything else,
compatibility,
temperament, all of that.
Then after a while, that beauty fades not
because, like, physically, but, you know,
honestly,
a sister who looks very attractive but has
a horrible character
becomes ugly
very quickly. There you go. Yeah. That's a
that's an important point. Yeah. You know, and
a lot of guys don't know that. Okay.
If if she was extremely attractive to you.
Mhmm. Right?
How's that gonna make you feel
when you're with your wife in front of
your friends,
in front of your family, when you're out
and whatnot? Don't you feel a little bit,
like like, oh, man, you know? I've seen
guys like that. You know? Oh, man, he's
looking at my wife the wrong way. Oh,
I'm, like, you know, and it broke relationships
with close friends,
with family. It made them not go out
as much. Mhmm. Right. It it it affected
it. It was crazy. Like, it's Is that
is that more is that more the beauty
of the girl
of the guy because Yeah. That was the
only thing he was looking for, and he
thinks that's the only thing people look at
too. I see. I see. Interesting. Okay. Did
you get that? Okay. You know, he thinks
he thinks every like, he made this life
commitment based on beauty,
and in order to cons console himself, he
thinks that, like, everyone only cares about this
too. Mhmm. Do you get what I'm saying?
Right, right. So they they, like he's always
like this, like, overprotective
and And whatnot. And whatnot. And then
he's suffering at home because he overlooked
Mhmm. So many other things. Right. Yeah. Right,
at the expense of that. Like, oh, I
didn't, I didn't think of this. I didn't
think of family. I didn't think of a
background or values
or Like nothing. I overlooked everything just, just
for this one matter. The one that checks
all the boxes is the best. Is the
best, yes. Exactly. Like, hands down. Yeah. Nobody
I don't think you have to choose 1
or the other. No. Tyler, no. Yeah. No.
Yeah. We're going to do it. Yeah. It's
it's more like like like rating. Yeah. Yeah.
And there's no objectivity
in this for the system. Like Jamil. Yes.
The sister's got to know, it's not like
the prophet, salallahu alayhi wasalam, is saying,
okay, it's like the men are going shopping,
and and this is Right. How we value
them. No. No. It's like the prophet, salami,
wasalam, saying, oh, women, look out. This is
what men are looking at.
Find out what type of man is asking
for your hand. Right. No. And that and
that's that's really important, man, because, you know,
we have to think about a lot of
times when, you know, guys on Instagram, Facebook,
Snapchat, TikTok, whatever else is out there, how
are we portraying ourselves?
How are we portraying ourselves? Because when we
you know, look at a woman just for
her beauty and then we marry her and
then we found out that the character is
not as it was, sometimes you may just
say, yeah, but she is beautiful. You know
what I'm saying? Then kids come into play.
Kids are beautiful, but then you never really
liked her.
You never really liked her. And like what
you said, beauty is something beyond the tangible
and that's why SubhanAllah, I particularly,
you know, I love the whole when I
became a Muslim, the whole concept of hijab
was far beyond the veil.
It was far beyond the veil for me.
It was like
the veil is an entryway,
but it was more of her character, how
she carried herself and you know,
it wasn't about her adorning herself to feel
valid in front of some guy. Yeah. Because
when she's not married, you're some guy. Right.
You're not even gonna come close. My heart
and my emotional vulnerability,
you have to prove that you're worth it
and I'm not going to give you an
inch away by the way that I look.
And
if that girl has that taqwa, don't you
as a man feel so secure and safe
and alhamdulillah, you know, yeah. It's a beautiful
feeling. That's the best feeling. Feeling. Yeah. So
definitely. So what are some preventative measures in
regards to this to where a man, he
doesn't get mesmerized by the beauty? One thing
that I was thinking is that he really
has to take a step back and have
introspection.
What am I consuming
that, that paints the picture
of beauty for me. Right. Right. So if
I'm on social media and I follow a
lot of women, I think you mentioned this
to me. I follow a lot of women.
I'm subconsciously gonna think beauty is this.
So when I see a Muslim sister that
doesn't dawn on a lot of makeup, right?
And doesn't dress a certain way,
right?
That, oh, okay. She must not be beautiful.
She's a quote unquote, I think you mentioned
a good girl.
Yeah. Right. At some may say, and not
to say the one that dawns on makeup
is a bad girl. We're not saying that,
but he may think that beauty is only
that.
Right? And that she may be someone that
doesn't have any adventures. She's boring. Whatever the
case may be. Beauty goes far beyond
the face is far beyond the tangible. So
I think once they look at that and
take a step back on what am I
really consuming? Who do I want to be
the mother of my children? It goes far
beyond,
what you what you see. Absolutely.
Defining what beauty is. Yeah. Defining what beauty
is. So tell the men out there, set
your definitions.
Set your definitions. Let the shi yeah. Set
those definitions. Right. Right. Right. At at at
the baseline, what I tell young men is
is it something that's gonna prevent you from
zinnah? Zinnah? Will you be, you
know, beauty, and this is actually part of
my thesis, like beauty is a social construct
to a certain degree. Like we all have
general ideas
of beauty, but different cultures have different definitions
of beauty, right, whether it's skin tone or
whether it's like Very true. Right. I think
so some tribes like value like long necks,
right, and so they, you know, or
ears. Right.
So,
one of the research studies that they did
on beauty
is they would have somebody
look at look through like a one way
mirror at,
that somebody else would kind of rate their
attractiveness,
and so they would look and say like,
wow, that person is like an 8 out
of 10 or a 6 out of 10
maybe, right? Let's say, okay, this person is
6 out of 10 and then you would
have another group of people join in that
room
and also look and just kind of like
whisper among each other, like, man, that person
is so good looking. They're like a 9
out of 10, and then the first person
would change their response,
Right? I see the pressure. Based on, yeah,
based on, like, well, if everybody else thinks
that so much abstract. Yeah. You know, that's
beautiful. Maybe there's something wrong with my eyes,
you know. So those yeah. It's it's interesting.
It does. It it it changes, but if
if if she's beautiful to you, she's beautiful
to you. If it's gonna prevent you from
zinnah, if it's going to, you know,
protect you in that sense,
long gone are the days where, you know,
the first woman you ever, like, you know,
saw like her leg is is your wife.
Right? And that would excite you. That's gone
now. Right? Unfortunately, you go to the gym
and they're half naked, you know, all of
them protect us, you know? Yeah. Exactly.
Exactly.
This is the last point which we're talking
about the prophet
said and
be more successful with religion And he makes
a dua which was to it was like
to encourage,
you know, looking
for the one that has the religion. Not
saying that the other 3 are wrong, as
you mentioned, we hope that you find out
there one that has all 4 of them
InshaAllah, Talib. But if you were to choose
or to,
you know, she had all the other 3,
but there was like a scale and the,
but she, her religion MashaAllah Tabarakallah,
you know, the religion of the family or
her and herself. And we say religion
that she holds predominantly
her purpose as well is to worship Allah
and to show gratitude to Allah through marriage
and understanding what Islam says about marriage and
willing
to, to,
comply with the Islamic message before anything else.
Right.
Marry her for her religion.
Now you mentioned something earlier and I've seen
this as well where a brother will marry
a sister
he's not attracted to.
Okay.
But he was told and he sees that
she has religion.
Is that a pitfall? It's a huge pitfall.
Why? Because because it goes against the first
one of the, one of the purposes objectives
of marriage is to protect against sinna. Okay.
So it goes against that. If there's not
physical attraction, what's and I'm talking about not
that, you know, she has to be a
10 out of 10, but there's no physical
attraction whatsoever. And unfortunately, I've seen like to
the point where, you know, you know, brothers
have told me like, no,
I have difficulty being intimate with my spouse
because there's that little
that's a problem. Right. Right. But again,
that's an extreme. Right? Right. Right. Yeah. But
that doesn't mean that doesn't mean things are
anything's wrong with her. Right. Exactly. Exactly. It's
just that he
okay. 1st, let's back up. Let's back up.
Is it possible that 2 religious people
cannot they they can have no physical attraction
towards another towards one another? Of course. Very
positive. Just want to get that out there.
Yeah. With the Sahabas that was the case.
Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Just want to get that
out there that it's okay for you to
say
she's religious, but she's just not beautiful to
me. Right. And then your friend says, what
are you talking about, bro? Okay. Move over.
Right? So it's it's very, very, very much
possible. So that's why, you know, just just
starting with that, that, you know, you mentioning
that if someone marries for their religion because
I met brothers, they felt guilty.
Yes. If that and that's what that's what
drove it. Yes. Yes. Right. You know, everyone's
saying grandmother's saying I've noticed she was 2.
Yeah. You know,
what do you mean?
Right. And he doesn't wanna mess up everything
nor nor does he wanna hurt her feelings.
Yeah. Yeah. That's true. But what's gonna hurt
more? There you go. So it's okay to
hurt. Well, unpack it. Because we're talking about
masculinity here. Right. Like you mentioned, decisive and
knowing what you want. Exactly. Being decisive and
knowing what you want, being honest, right, and
doing a respectful manner is going to save
the girl's feelings and yours
and potential, you know, children,
you know, way more than you feeling bad,
feeling guilty, going through with something, even though
your gut your heart tells you this is
wrong.
You know, I've seen this a lot. Okay.
Right? And going back to the whole idea
of, like, the importance of, like, you know,
the process of looking at what you look
for. Right? Right. When people divorce, they go
back to those moments and say, man, I
I I knew I should have trusted my
gut. Wow. Right?
Even people who've got divorced after 20, 30
years, they remember those moments, the whole body
process. Oh, yeah. 100%. Are you serious? 100%.
Yeah. So they'll they'll talk about
like, during their divorce,
20 or 30 years later, they'll talk about
that gut feeling they had Yeah. In the
beginning. Yeah. Like, I knew this red flag.
I knew that red flag, and it you
know, most of the time, it turns out
to be true. Right? You you were spot
on about that red flag. Right? Like, you
you know, thought maybe it'll go away. Maybe
if I just focus on this one good
quality, I'll, you know,
and it doesn't. She has a religion. Right?
By the way I like your definition of
religion can we define deen because
you know mashallah we're in we're in Dallas
there's let's you know oh yeah like there's
a lot of students of knowledge. Right? Does
Dean mean somebody who's memorized, like, and
and that's it, but has horrible akhlaq? Like,
what is Dean? Yeah. Because Din doesn't mean
she's, like, in an Islamic seminary only or
Or half or whatnot or half of the
Yeah. Quran or that's not Din only. Right.
Din is more than that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Deen is it's much more comprehensive.
It's much more comprehensive. It's someone that is
trying their best to please Allah
through the framework that he has given them.
In their actions and in the way that
they in their actions with themselves
and with people and with Allah. It's that
a beautiful hadith of the prophet when he
said,
you know, he said,
he said fear Allah wherever you are
and follow-up a bad deal with a good
deal to erase it and treat mankind
in goodness. In goodness. So when you talk
about akhlaq is very, very important. Yeah. Akhlaq
because, you know, on the flip side, you'll
see the brother at the masjid, smiling with
a bad hold. Yeah. Alumst and you Right.
Right. Right? So it's about
being mindful of might being mindful of Allah
wherever you are, which is actualized
Yes. By following up a good deal with
a bad deal, erase it, and treating mankind
with good manners. So, it's very important that
you mention that point. The student of knowledge,
you know, is someone that is trying to
get a hold of the authentic
sources that will assist him if he embodies
it to make him or her a scholar
or to make him or her a better
person.
But it's a huge responsibility because now you
know.
I tell a lot of guys, like you
said, someone that will keep you away from
Xena. I see someone that when you wake
up in the morning, you see her face,
she's attractive. You're attracted to her. Like, just
the way, you know That's it. That's it.
Right? That's it. She and then when she
starts to speak Yeah. And the way she
talks to you Yeah. It's magnetic. By by
the way, I'm sorry to get like, this
is, for for for the young men in
particular. Right? Like, the whole idea of, like,
beauty, it works both ways, and it's also
about upkeep. So for, like, you know,
promoting fitness and all of this. Honestly
honestly. Right? If you if you want a
girl who's a 10, you know, are you
hitting the gym? Are you, you know,
wearing clean clothes? Are you taking care of
your hygiene? Are you well groomed? All of
that. Right? So beauty, it's it's something that,
you know, you have to keep up with
and it's good to get into that habit,
especially for both young men and young women
beforehand so that they're able to keep up
with it like after marriage. Right? Right. You
know, the person you're supposed to look the
best for is your spouse.
The love. So build those habits beforehand of
like, you know, I know it sounds simple,
but, like, honestly, some some brothers, like, you
know, they they they come to Juwa in,
like, sweatpants and, like, you know, mustard stains
on their shirt probably after getting your hamburgers
and stuff. You know? It's a it's like
Yeah. My hamburger is okay.
It's halal. I just said that you didn't
bring any, man. I was halal. I'm doing
halal mustard.
Yes. When
it comes to Din, there's one thing that
comes up whenever we're talking about Deen. Mhmm.
For guys out there, and I think we
need to really need to address this.
I know we're running short on tattoo, but
the hijab
is a main thing Mhmm. For guys. They
automatically
assume. Now when we say
that means if she's wearing hijab, she's religious,
hands on,
everything's
I talk to it. Can we talk to
it? I love that point so much. Yes,
sir. And the reality is, hijab is one
aspect of deen. It isn't all of deen.
Guys have to know this. Right? I see
aspect of deen. It isn't all of deen.
Guys have to know
this. Right? I've seen, and I work with,
I I work with a lot of young
men and women. I've seen
young sisters
that are,
like, religious in their khnaq Mhmm. Religious in
their salah, they maintain their prayers,
And, like, their mannerisms,
even, like, their gaze. It's it's it's actually
weird. Like, they lower their gaze when they
talk. They're very shy and whatnot, but they
don't wear hijab. I've seen I've seen that
numerous cases. They don't wear hijab. Yeah, exactly.
And then you have a sister who wears
hijab, but she's all out there talking to
every guy, sitting in every gathering, saying like,
all of and in in reality,
you know, you don't want to fall in
as a as a man. You don't want
to conflate the 2.
And I automatically assume if she's wearing hijab,
she's more religion than more religious than the
one who does it. Yes. Right? Yes. Or
more or more or, by the way, or
if she wears hijab that she doesn't have
a past. There you go. If she wears
a hijab that she She doesn't have a
past because the fault is in your assumption
Yes. That because she wore hijab because I
even asked the right questions. I'm just assuming
because you have hijab, you've been perfect your
whole life. That's not you, dude. Yeah. Yeah.
And vice versa. Yeah. Yeah. And vice versa.
Just because she doesn't wear hijab doesn't mean
she was going out and she had boyfriends
and what no. It doesn't it doesn't mean
that. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Beautiful, man. Yeah.
We wanna make it make sure that these
young men, you know, I like how you
mentioned Jummah. I think that's a good, you
know, point for it. It's a good it's
a good market. Yeah. Because it's like, okay.
If you're going to be serious about something,
oh, guy that's got out of college, doesn't
find a job, he has no one he
wants to do with his life. Okay. Start
out with Jumayah. At least when you wake
up Friday morning, make the intention, man, I'm
going to be clean tonight. I'm going to
start today or today. Now I'm going to
wear my best garment. I'm going to iron
my shirt. If I don't know how I'm
going to learn how to do it, not
gonna have mommy do it. Right? I'm gonna
learn how to do it and I'm gonna
go to Jumont in time. I'm gonna try
to get to the 1st row. I'm gonna
be responsible
to where it did, when this becomes a
habit with intention, the majority of the time
that when I looked at, at a father-in-law,
you know, I found out it's the guy
that's been in my master for so long.
He seen me at Jum'ah,
you know, early. You never know.
So it's beautiful at this hadith that it's
so comprehensive
and, I feel blessed that I was able
to share it with both of you, Masha'Allah
because it's as much more that can be
talked about Insha'Allah.
And we're going to talk on the next
the next time, the next episode, Bideenullah,
about, during marriage.
What are some things that you know,
that could lead to divorce
for those of you that are currently married
because some of us are divorced and we're
still married, divorced psychologically,
but still married. But today, Alhamdulillahi
with this beautiful Hadith, the prophet
speaking about this beautiful Hadith that the prophet
said that a woman is married for 4
things
for her, her deen or for, excuse me,
for her money,
for her lineage,
for her beauty and for her religion and
be successful in the religion. And that's what
we hope all of you will be successful
in your religion. And that is the ultimate
way that one can embody their masculinity. Jazakamu
lakha for tuning in and stay tuned with
us InshaAllah.
Leave comments if there's anything that impacted you
and anything that you want to share with
us that we can further take into consideration
for our next coming episodes.