Abdullah Oduro – Iman Cave #02 A Man Guide To Marriage – During Marriage
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of understanding the process of divorce during marriage, as it can lead to divorce, divorce, or marriage therapy. They stress the need for a positive attitude towards sex, personalized communication, valuing individuality, and building emotional connections. The importance of reaching out to men is emphasized, along with the need for community and sues in mental health issues, empowering brotherhood, avoiding domestic abuse, and setting boundaries. The need for strong leadership and communication is also emphasized.AI: Transcript ©
The night of the marriage, he has a
box. In this box, he opens the box
and it's a tire. It's a certain type
of attire that he's expecting. His sister got
scared. And he was slightly frustrated. When I'm
hearing this, I'm thinking immediately, okay. Why is
your expectation
this immediately? In order to receive understanding, you
have to give understanding. Okay. And when the
person knows that you're willing to have that
Hosnathan, and like okay, I don't fully get
it, but I'm willing to understand why this
bothers you. I might not even agree with
you a 100%, but I'm willing to understand
what bothers you about this. You may have
to reach out to another person another person
until you get a response. And I know
that puts the onus on the brother, but
that strength of reaching out will be challenged.
And, that challenge may come in the aspect
of not receiving a response from the first
person or the second person. The process of
reaching out is a burden, is difficult. Mhmm.
But it is also something that you can
bear as well. What would you advise a
friend that receives that phone call from the
wife, From his friend's wife that he's been
domestically abusing her?
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh. How's everyone
doing? I'm Abdullah Oduro and welcome to the
Iman Cave where where we discuss issues of
male excellence
while being grounded in faith.
I'm done.
I can't do this anymore.
You know what? I think I want a
divorce.
I don't know if I can handle this.
This statement has been said by some of
us that are viewing
or we've heard our fathers or mothers say
this.
You know, in Islam, it's very important for
us to understand initially
that
the goal of what is called the Maqasid
of the Sharia or the Islamic objectives is
to establish
and maintain families
with the reality that Al Khadik, the creator
of the heavens and the earth, knows us
as human beings and that we're human.
We'll forget, we'll be negligent, and sometimes we
may not be compatible.
Meaning 2 people that are trying to be
their best may not be compatible.
We see this with the life of the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam and the companions
that Talaq divorce
took place.
Thank you for joining. We are on our
second portion
of the series entitled divorce problem
or solution.
If you tune into the first show, it
was about before marriage. As you know, we
are going to talk about 3 components or
phases. Before marriage,
during marriage, and after marriage.
The last show was about before marriage. What
are some of the pitfalls
and what are some preventative
measures that you men can take
in regards to getting married. Some things that
you should consider.
Now, we're going to talk about
during marriage.
How can it be divorced during marriage? Where's
the connection? Well,
many people that we know and many people
maybe you and it's okay because
the divorce can be a solution sometimes and
can be a problem and we're going to
dive deep into that.
During the marriage, sometimes people may not be
there mentally.
They may be divorced mentally in their mind
when they walk walk in walk in their
homes.
They dread seeing their wives. The wife dreads
seeing her husband.
This even took place during the time of
the prophet
where a woman mentioned that
she just is not attracted to him and
she fears that she may have a form
of ungratefulness
to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And from this
hadith, this situation,
what took place with this female companion, may
Allah be pleased with her, the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam legislated what's called khulr or what
is called the request to be separated
from her husband, divorce from her husband. We
order her to give back the Mahar or
the dowry which was the garden that was
given to her by him.
But as was mentioned for men,
what are some things that you, men that
are aspiring to get married, that you should
know and men that are watching and you're
probably going through this? We're here to help
with 2 illustrious individuals. Firstly, the one to
my right, brother
Faizan Majid,
Long time friend. Hamdulillah.
And he is a therapist, a counselor. And
I wanna you know, the words are very
important here and I don't wanna make the
mistake and feel free to correct me. He's
a behavioral therapist and counselor,
and you counsel from all ages. Correct? Or
Counsel all ages. All ages. So currently counseling
in school
and. How long have you been doing this?
I've been doing it for about 4 or
5 years,
and I counsel all ages, but it just
naturally has become more younger Mhmm. Folk, children
Okay. Because I end up with working with
quite a few Islamic schools,
Okay.
He will be our cohost today, and I
think this is gonna be a phenomenal session
because we have 2 therapists but particularly we
have our licensed marriage and family therapist,
brother Usman Muhuni. He was there last week
Alhamdulillahabil Alamin and he is going to talk
about what all of us are going to
talk about. I'm just going to sit back
and listen and benefit and get all the
food inshaAllah as you will consume this for
the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
Brother Usman Mooknee is a licensed marriage and
family therapist.
We are going to talk about today
during marriage. What are those things that potentially
can lead to
divorce? Now,
when talking about this brothers particularly,
you know, during marriage,
you know, we we hear the term red
flags. Right? You know, one of those things
that you saw before the marriage
and you know sometimes in your offices the
woman will say the man will say that
was a red flag. I knew I should
have listened to it.
I knew I should have followed it. Right?
Let's start with
mentally, you know, psychologically
when the man is in
the course of marriage, whether it's the 1st
month,
the 1st year, the 10th year,
we see I've seen as an imam, the
man comes in the office and he's he's
checked out,
like mentally checked out.
You know, he's smiling,
But But when he sits in your office,
when you get along with him, he's able
to be vulnerable. And if we're gonna talk
about that and he's just not there mentally,
he's just there. I'm just providing.
I'm not even there mentally.
What do y'all have to say about that
in regards to
not being there mentally
for the man? What are some situations that
you've seen and what's some potential advice you
can give in that regard?
It's not something that happens overnight. Right? Like,
one statistic that I share, Faisal, I'm sure
you you know, you're you're familiar with this,
is that on average,
couples will go to, like, marriage therapy
5 to 7 years after a problem has
been After. Yeah. A problem. So, if you
think about a repeated pattern over and over
and over again for 5 to 7 years,
that's gonna be very difficult to break out
of. So, that resentment is there. Exactly. That,
you know, that frustration,
and you almost
at
at that point. And but it's, like, for
them, it's, like, evidence based. Right? It's, like,
I know what they're gonna do because I
haven't trust me, brother. I know how she's
gonna react. Trust me, you know. I know
how he's gonna, you know, react. Okay. Okay.
So having those bad expectations of Right. Right.
Right. Right. There's there's even this whole idea
of,
getting to a point where you release the
person from the role of the villain. You
know what I'm saying? Getting to a point
where you expect the absolute worst from them.
And, you know, when we were talking about
like the, you know, previous stage, while you're
looking for somebody Mhmm. You know, we were
talking about this idea of, like, being rigid,
you know, having standards, so on. Like, you
know,
yes, it's great to have Hosna done, but,
you know, don't save her. If you don't
you know what I'm saying? Like, don't jump
into a situation like that and so on.
Once you're in it,
it's different. Right? Once you're in it, then
you then there then that leniency, that flexibility,
all of that is there. You know what
I'm saying? I see. I see. I see.
Right. Now you're not as rigid. Right?
The the that's what we're kinda trying to
point out initially. Right? It's that the biggest
preventer of divorce is, you know, marrying the
person who's right for you in the 1st
place. The person's right for you in the
1st place. Yeah. I mean, you know, people
are listening and they're like, but it's too
late now. Alright? So so now we're now
we're gonna talk about, like, what, you know
and and I think one thing, and we
we come across this a lot, dude. Like,
it's,
how do I know it's right to get
divorced? Like, what Right. What and and that's
what people unfortunately, when it because we're kind
of centering this around divorce. Right? Ask yourself,
okay, what is my objective when I come
into a counselor's office? When I come to
an imam's office? Okay. Is it reconciliation?
Or is
it some type of validation that,
yes, I'm right for asking for a divorce.
Right? So that's the first thing. What's your
intention?
And then, you know, based on that, we
can talk about, maybe I'm jumping ahead of
myself, but we can talk about what are
some steps? What are some, like, poops you
have to basically jump through before you can
say that, okay, as
humanly objectively as possible, I think divorce is
the right decision or I think staying together
is the right decision. Okay. So if if
we were to just, you know, start from
how you mentioned, you know, the whole concept
in Islam of and
which is having bad thoughts or good
expectations
about the person.
If we're looking at the husband for instance,
Faizon, the husband, you know, he says look
it's been 5 years. We've been married we've
been married for 7 but the past 5
years
she's just been vicious, man. And I'm not
expecting
anything good from her. I'm expecting her
to always be jealous. She's a very jealous
sister. Right?
Him walking in like you mentioned, him walking
into the office
and just
maybe having the intention just to get validation
to do or act the way he is
acting.
Is that common? I mean, he's saying that
it's common. Have you have you seen that
a lot and what would you particularly,
advise in that particular situation?
Yes, SubhanAllah. I think when there's an element
of when someone comes into your office of
of
they're coming in with a level of baggage
of truths
that they think are true Mhmm.
That they have believed for so long that
actually need to be put on trial.
Okay. They need to be examined. They need
to be,
looked at a little bit more carefully and
actually see if this is an actual truth
that's in my marriage. Mhmm.
And if it is, what is the evidence
that I have for that? So say someone
comes in, like you mentioned, they have an
expectation that my wife is jealous Mhmm. And
is always going to be jealous. That second
part of the statement, always going to be
jealous. Okay.
Is that really the case? Mhmm. Or are
you reading into things? Or are you looking
at things a little bit differently? And I
think there's an element of work that needs
to be done there.
Mhmm. If if that is true and if
there is evidence, then we obviously take the
next steps and look at, if there's a
possibility for reconciliation. If not, then divorce. Yeah.
You know you know what you know what's
important here, man? I I just wanna make
that interject on that because
let's be honest.
We're not head of Bashmen. We're not head
of Bashwomen. We're here to tell certain truths
or realities with people that this is their
profession.
So I'm almost about to say take it
how you want it, but
you mentioned
the truths need to be put on I
like how you mentioned that because
the man may come to the office, and
he didn't wanna come in the 1st place.
Especially a licensed marriage and family therapist, the
woman may have brought him there.
Right?
And, he he he he he he was
man enough, right, to get up and go.
But then if his truth is being put
on trial,
he has to be willing
to accept that. Yeah.
You know, it's a level of humility
that's needed.
Would y'all agree? That's yep. That's exactly it.
Yeah. Absolutely. Right. Right. You know? So because
because when there's when when he's there, something
that he like, he mentioned I'm I'm so
glad you mentioned that How it's 5 years
in the in the making. Right?
Yeah. How he comes there and he he's
expecting his truth to be validated, but all
of a sudden he's challenged. And sometimes it's
in front of his wife.
Sometimes it's in front of his wife because
he had these thoughts about her
and he's being challenged at what he knew
was
was right. Right?
Particularly in the aspect of respect.
Let's move on to respect.
Numerous times I heard,
she doesn't respect me.
What have you all seen in regards to
respect? What I've seen in respect, firstly,
she second guesses my decisions.
She doesn't listen to me.
Right? Do you all hear that constantly from
from those that may be married? When in
regards to respect when when they say the
word respect, what falls under that when they
when they expound upon that Right. Particular subject?
It it depends on the individual. Mhmm. Right?
There there there's one thing, like, when it
comes to marriage talks and so on. Right?
I don't like generalizations.
Okay. Right? Mhmm. And I I and I
and I get that, like Yeah. You know,
we can kind of, you know, predict, like,
for for example, oh, women are more emotional,
men are more logical, or something like this.
Right? Like, that that pigeonholes us. Right? You
look at things on an individual
basis. Right? The prophet, salAllahu alaihi wa sallam
gave certain advice based on the person, their
situation, and so on. Right? So I don't
know why that gets lost when it comes
to, mental health, when it comes to relationships,
and so on. Then we're okay just, you
know, generalizing.
So,
what does respect mean? It depends on the
person. Mhmm. You know, one person might define
respect one way. 1 person might define respect
the other way.
Also,
you know, what baggage are they coming with?
Right? So if if somebody is feeling that,
like, oh, I've always been called irresponsible. I've
always been called like that. You know, I,
you know, I don't work hard enough for
something by my parents or by my friends
or this or that. Right? So if that
means that any inkling, even if his sister
didn't mean, you know, in the wrong way
is gonna trigger him, then he's gonna consider
that disrespectful. So you also have to kind
of take a step back and say,
like, you know, look at your own baggage
and so on. You know what I'm saying?
Like, define it. What does that mean for
you? What will make you specifically feel respected?
I was gonna say, like, that specifically, like,
it's so individual. Like, respect is so individual
that you have to you know,
we hear a lot that you need to
learn you need one of the biggest things
that you need to do when you're married
is that you need to communicate with each
other. Okay. Communication is huge.
But I like telling clients that yes communication
is huge,
but you need to know what to communicate
as well. You need to know yourself to
the point where you can communicate. So if
respect is something
that's incredibly important, what does it mean to
you? Yeah. And that changes the interaction between
husband and wife. If you don't know what
respect means to you, how are you ever
gonna be able to communicate it? Exactly. Okay.
So the okay. I I this is a
little pushback for both of you. And I
know there's gonna be pushback right
now. So if it's individually based, what do
we say about the concept of the fitra?
So like for instance,
men are created what is it? Men are
from Venus and women are from men women
are from Mars. Right? Right.
Can we say that there's a there has
to be a level of generalities
when it comes to male and female fitra
biology Right. From them being
predominantly
women are more emotional, Yeah. Which is not
a flaw. Right. Right. Of course. Of course.
And predominantly
men are,
what,
less emotional or more, More stoic, more Stoic.
Aggressive. Right. Aggressive. Right? Right. Which is not
a flaw. It's just as long as it's
used in its proper
so how are we joined between those 2?
Because
when you mentioned respect as well,
along with the fitra, along with the natural
inclination, Yani, that we were talking about biology,
for lack of better words, which is an
aspect of the fitra,
Cultural nuances.
Mhmm. Right? What's considered respect? I grew up
and this was respect to me. I come
home every day. There should be food ready.
And if there's not food ready, there's a
level of disrespect that I will not tolerate.
So how would we
reconcile
between the fact that it's not cookie cutter
Right. But there there is, there is wiggle
room or freedom
for there to be individualistic
considerations
when dealing in this particular aspect. Right. I
mean, I I think part of it is,
like, we work on the micro and not
the macro. Exactly. Right? Mhmm. So, like,
the the the like, in the therapy office,
like, just like 1 on 1 Mhmm. That's
why I don't like those generalizations. Like, in
in in general,
like, yes. There
are, I think, a decent, you know, particularly
large sample size of like South Asian men
for example, who would,
you know, just feel elated when their wife
shows love and consideration and care
to, you know, their mom and their sister
and their siblings
and their and their father. And that's, you
know, respect for them. Right. You know what
I'm saying? Right? Yeah. Are there others who,
you know, maybe don't care? Yes. You know?
Like, I I the point is, like, I
wouldn't just jump in and assume because I
I've gotten, like, you know, push back. Understandably
so. Like, we're like, okay, well, why are
you assuming? Like, sometimes the guy will be
like, dude, why are you assuming that I'm,
like, you know, I'm actually, you know, I
can become quite emotional. Mhmm. Right? I think
there are some generalities there. Like, there's there
are creative differences Yeah. Between men and women,
of course. But
when they come into the office and when
we talk to them, there's a discovery process
that has to happen in the beginning. Below.
We're understanding what their level of respect is.
But very generally speaking, I think there is
an element of
we we like to come home and for
South Asian men, we like it when
our wife looks at us
as a leader. Mhmm. And I think that
aspect of leader, that needs definition as well.
Mhmm. But then that's more individualistic. But if
there's a level of
looking
at their the husband as someone who takes
the lead, takes the charge, and and leads
the household,
I've I've seen that a lot. I've seen
that a lot with clients that that's something
that can be in that category of being
respected by their wife. But see, I don't
think that's
individualistic though.
I think that that's Islamic.
Of course. And I mean, you know, even
the term of kawama,
right, which seems problematic, and I think it's
problematic because of the way it's implemented and
because of societal
norms that Islam does not accept.
Right? So for instance, we in Islam believe
that man is the leader. Mhmm. Right? And
we believe that in Islam, y'all can y'all
can I wanna hear what y'all have to
say? In Islam that the word obedience should
not be shied away from. Like, the woman
should be obedient to her husband,
but then the husband should serve his wife
as well. When we look at the word
obedience, we think in Arabic, it's
It's like
worship or it's that she has no say
whatsoever and that
whatever he says, period, cannot be questioned.
That's not that's see, that's where it's a
cultural nuance
that has kind of overshadowed
overshadowed the Sharia.
We see the the female companions. Meantime, they
will question the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam.
Yeah. He would mention something, they would question
him. Right. Right? And then the prophet would
answer. So when I think and that's what
I mentioned. I think we in Islam, especially
particularly in this issue of gender relations,
we need to own a lot of these
terms. So for instance, obedience,
service.
Right? The man does serve his wife.
His protection provision is serving the wife. He
should listen to her, you know, when she
mentions something because she is the mother of
his children. Like, that's a lofty position.
Housewife
is a is a word that has been
robbed
by secularism,
by feminism,
and I think primarily from the sexual revolution,
starting from there in the birth control pill.
The housewife is in is a lofty
position in Islam.
It's a lofty position. I'd like to hear
what y'all just say because I think from
that and I think there there's there's Tawfiq.
I think there's a synergy between what you
mentioned with it, which y'all mentioned with because
this therapist,
when he comes in and he says she's
not listening to me, oh, yeah. That's because
he's stoic. Yeah. I understand
that that's because men are this.
They're I mean, being a therapist doesn't accept
it's not that simple.
Right? Is that what you all are kind
of alluding to that,
yes, I understand those general nuances that take
place with the fit through in the biology
of the men, but I won't allow that
to dictate
how I I asked him earlier, is therapized?
Is that a verb? We can make it
a verb.
It makes you happy.
It makes me happy. So theropize. I don't
know what we're gonna I don't wanna get
you out of trouble, but I was gonna
join us in this. Idea
of how it looks individualistic. You mentioned it
in in part 1 actually. Mhmm. That's where
I think you gave the example of
a husband that makes less than his wife,
and the wife makes a lot more money,
but she's still
giving that leadership role to him.
So there's a financial difference there, but that
leadership role is
So there's a general aspect of leadership and
then the individualist
individual aspect of how it kind of fits
into here. Is that the manifestation of individualist
that you Yeah. That's kind of what I
I I I do. And I I'll I'll
speak on myself. Right? Like, I I think
that,
and maybe this is this is a fit
for it. I think part of Bawama
is is a, Hikma in leadership,
but also a sense of altruism.
Right? Mhmm. Like I I I think that
Of course. You know, a good man
will be able to look at his wife
and kids having fun.
You know, maybe just running around in, you
know, playground or something like this. Knowing that,
alhamdulillah, like, you know, I'm able to provide
this life for them through halal means. And
that's his happiness. He's not asking for anything
else back Oh, yes. But that. You know
what I'm saying? Like, I I don't know
if you ever had those moments where you're
just like What do you mean? What do
you mean? What do you mean? What do
you mean? What do you mean? What do
you mean? What do you mean? What do
you mean? What do you mean? What do
you mean? What do you mean? What do
you mean? What do you mean? What do
you mean?
That is beautiful, man. Oh my god. It's
so beautiful. SubhanAllah. Yeah.
That's beautiful when you just see your face.
I remember I was with my father-in-law
in the Medina, and
I mean,
may Allah bless him. He has a big
family. I'll just leave it at that. He
has a he has a big family.
So he had like
at least 10 grandchildren.
No. He has 10 children
and then, like, about 15 to 20 grandchildren
who were all in the room. They're all
running around. Like, the sisters were outside, but
the brothers
so I looked at him. I looked at
him. I said, I said, I said, I
was like, all of that is because of
you.
And, you know, as a man, he looked
like he was like
I was like, I was like jealous, but
it was just beautiful because you see all
of them, you know.
Nasalallah Aafil As Salaam. We ask Allah for
health. Oh, yeah. They're all healthy. They're all
screaming and running and being troublesome and bring
you know, knocking over the the tea and
and it's a beautiful moment. You know? It's
it's a beautiful I'm so glad you mentioned
that. I I love a loud house, by
the way. I love I just it's a
lot. I love a loud mushed too. It's
a lot. You know? You know? Supana lot.
So okay. So we we we talked about
during the marriage. Okay. You know, mentally, you
know, there may be some bad expectations, but
it's very important as you all mentioned, you
know, you can't generalize
as well. And then the man needs to
really take a step back particularly and think
of what is that,
the bad thoughts that he has, and he
has to kind of unpack that. Or that's
where we all come into, unpack that,
challenging the truth, putting the truth to trial.
It's important for men to be to be
humble and that's a process,
and it's a challenge. But Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala
loves that.
Now during their marriage as well,
people come into the office and
you know there may have been some expectations
on intimacy.
Right?
I'll give one example.
A man gets married, and,
the night of the marriage I think let's
just start the night of the marriage, expectation
of the night of marriage.
He has a box.
In this box, he opens the box and
it's a tire. I'll just leave it there.
It's a certain type of attire that he's
expecting.
The sister got scared.
Right?
And he was slightly frustrated.
When I'm hearing this, I'm thinking immediately, okay,
why is your expectation
this immediately?
I think it's very important,
you know, on the first night you'll find
because we had another episode. You know, let's
be frank. I mean, a lot of our
young men, they're watching *. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm.
And that *
sets a certain expectation
on the female. Right.
And he may not even realize because he's
so engulfed in that, and marriage for him
was like, alright. Now it's on. Yeah. Right?
And she's looking at him like he's
an animal. And that's a total
I wanna use turn off, but it's just
it's it's concerning.
Right?
What have you all seen in regards to
that? I mean, like during the marriage or
the first night,
what have you all seen or heard or,
you know, dealt with in this regard?
Right. So,
I mean, a a few things. Right?
Like, you mentioned *. Right? So *
throws away the entire idea of foreplay.
Right? And Can you explain what that is?
Yeah.
For foreplay,
you know, leading up to just
penetration. Right? Mhmm.
When when people watch *
they skip scenes and they skip to like
the that's not how intimacy works. There's a
warm up period. There's like, you know, biologically
there's a difference in how quickly a man
gets aroused versus how quickly a woman gets
aroused. Right?
And you know that you're talking about communication,
that's something that has to be communicated and
we shouldn't be shy. Like, first talk about
it like just in general. Right? There has
to be a great, like, * education,
curriculum. One of my one of my friends
I don't know, Habib Akindi. And he he
but he talks quite a bit about that.
He, you know, brings it back to different,
you know, examples like works of Ibn Hazem
or Hamillah and so on and just The
LUT. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Right?
So,
you know, you know, communicating and learning that
process. Right?
There I I I've seen
I don't have any statistics compared to like
previous, but I have seen cases of,
vaginosis
like, where,
you're familiar with this right? Like where where
the female will have pain during penetration and
there's no other medical reason for it. And
so, there's physical therapy and so on that
helps with that. Right? But then, like, you
know, the guy knowing that okay, this does
exist. Right? And there's no way for the
girl to know that beforehand. Right. Right? Not
a lot. For for the virgin. Right? Right.
You know, being open to having these type
of conversations and so on. Right? And, like
like, even as we're talking about this right
now, like like, I'm like, oh, this is
an Islamic show. I'm single or penetrate. Why
why is that weird for me to say?
You get what I'm saying? Like, that's the
problem. That's the problem. Right. That is the
problem. And Islam does call for you to
be, for lack of better words, mature. No.
Yeah. You know, especially for men because if
they're gonna be the leaders, they have to
be mature and know how to deal with
these situations. Like you mentioned, if it may
have been painful, he may think he's doing
a great thing because of Production. What is
it? Exactly. Right. I'm so glad you mentioned
that. You know, with the forklift. And make
no mistake. I mean, this was in the
time the prophet saw them in different ways.
You know? Yeah. The prophet there was kissing
there. You know, the prophet saw them even
with, Aisha,
you know, she would pass the cup and
he would turn the cup to where he
drank Right. And drank from there. That's a
form of romance. I mean, romance is something
that is very much very important. Right. You
see
this many sununah the prophet
for for young men to understand. And like
you're saying, the skipping, the foreplay,
that's from Allah.
Right. Right. And and, you know, as a
man, there's a pride that you have in
that and that you're able to please your
spouse in that manner. Right. Right? Right. Not
just relieve yourself, but please your spouse. Like,
there's you feel better. You should feel better.
Exactly. Right? Exactly. And that's that's completely antithetical
to, like, what * teaches. So Exactly. It's
kinda like From what I've seen, like,
on the marriage night,
there's an expectation of bliss from the guy
Mhmm. And an expectation of fear from the
woman. Have you found that as well? So,
I mean, that that that's that's what,
like leads leads some types of bad menaces.
Right? Like Yeah.
Yeah. Like,
it's it's true sometimes. Yes. That that is
That is tense. Yeah. Yeah. And just the
the mismatch between the 2 Right.
That leads to a lot of problems that
could come from. Right. No. No. Absolutely. Absolutely.
So so what will help foster a sense
of safety. Right. And, you know and and
that's, you know
like, okay. We'll we'll we'll get very explicit
here since we you know,
when you're communicating, you can talk during *.
Right? Yes.
Okay. How does this feel? How does this
not feel? It's not gonna be perfect the
first night. Guys who are virgins, girls who
are virgins. It's not gonna be it's it's
supposed to get better over time, but you
learn about each other. You learn about each
other's Together. Together. Yeah. Right? Do you like
this? Do you not like this? You know,
ask questions and then go through it. Yeah.
There's a growth process. There's a growth process.
Exactly. So that expectation that's gonna be fireworks
the first night.
Then let me ask this question. Does there
have to be * the first
night? A few couples delay,
consummation.
Right? So there's, you know,
you know, there's there's foreplay. There's all of
this, but then they did they delay penetration.
And she says I'm just not ready. You
know? She said she's ready. Right? Right. Yeah.
Right. And I said that situation as well
because a brother I remember one brother told
me, he said, yo. We just talked the
whole night till Fudger. Mhmm. And her brothers
are like, what? Yeah. I'm like, what's wrong
with that? If he's if he's if he's
okay with it. Right? No. No. He I
mean, he was mentioning it like Yeah. Yeah.
I think he was mentioning like
you you know, it was beautiful, actually. I
just I just remember what he said. He
said, yeah, we talked the whole night. Some
brothers are like, what? Keefe.
He was like, I didn't even think about
like, our conversation was so good. We were
laughing, and then the Adana fajr went off.
Subhanallah. You know? And it was a beautiful
moment. And
then she felt safe. She told me later
she felt safe after that to be I
bet you an attractive. I bet your future
intimacy was fireworks for them because they made
that emotional connection, because they talked, they communicated.
Yeah. I love it, brother. I think that,
like, that's it. Like, that element
of making her feel safe. Right. And then
that that's all foreplay as well. Exactly. Building
that emotional connection. That's all there. Like, it
doesn't have to be in specific kisses or
things like that. It could just be talking
all night. Right. Right. So just for your
own pleasure. Not just physical. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly.
Physical.
Exactly. All those the senses, just, you know,
and you mentioned earlier, like, what does attract
again, you know, the smells, the the you
know, for men, it's like kinda what they
see. Mhmm. Mhmm. You know, these things that
can bring form of arousal.
The man, if he really wants to take
that role of qalama and leadership,
he has to be the one that you
know, the foreplay for him, it may be
much quicker for him where he gets aroused
and wants to be with her. But for
her, it takes time. And that's and that's
not that is not a flaw in her.
That is how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has
created her. You know, that he has to
be,
some have a level of charisma. Yeah. Have
a level of charisma when when when talking
to her. Okay. So
great first night.
You know, things are working out.
She's complaining that I'm not the guy that
I used to be.
Right?
I don't I walk around the house
with they call it the Bunyan there's a
group here, so they're called Bunyan.
But she gave me the 3rd grade of
my last year. I call it.
Right. It's in the Quran. It's so soft.
Like they are a strong foundation, but y'all
laugh. Y'all are making it. We already do.
Because my son my son asked that same
question. He's like and I literally on that
verse. Right?
Was like, why do they say Bunyan? It's
a Can you share what the audience what
Bunyan is? Like, it's like it's like a
wife being a woman. Don't say that word.
I was like, you would Say that, bro.
No. No. That's
that's horrible. No.
Can
edit that out, man. Sorry. No. Fuck your
shirt, man.
How how else can we describe it? A
tank top under shirt. A tank top under
shirt. Tank top under shirt. Yeah. Okay. That
works. No. But but but,
like, bunion doesn't it can be half sleeve
as well. It doesn't have to be tank
top. Oh, really? It's basically undershirt. It's like
just an undershirt. Undershirt. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It's
but mostly it is the tank top Okay.
Version. So the guy walks around in his
bunion.
Bunyon? Bunyan. Bunyan. Bunyan with mud. Okay.
He walks
around with Bunyan.
She's not attracted to him and she doesn't
tell him why you know what? She may
not even know why she's not attracted to
him.
Have y'all ran into cases to where,
you know, the woman says, I just am
not attracted to him anymore.
And
through therapy,
you find out it's because of the way
he takes care of himself.
Is that common? Is that something that you
have seen? I think we spoke about this
earlier, like, the idea of attraction. Mhmm. Attraction
is something there's an element of it that
is static.
Meaning I am attracted to a person or
I'm not. Okay. But there's an element of
it that's also dynamic, that needs to be
worked on. Okay. There's a verb aspect to
it. You need to put in the work.
You need to put in the effort. And
even if they're not able to articulate it,
I think both sides, like man and woman,
they need to understand that once you're married,
the work's not done.
You got to start. There's a whole different
level of work that starts to maintain and
grow grow that attraction because attraction can grow
after marriage. Okay. Okay. That's not okay. Attraction
can grow. It's not static. There's an element
of it that is not static. There's an
element of it. Reminds me of telling I
was in the gym, and I saw a
brother. He's like, yeah, I'm about to get
married. I said, so you're in the gym
because you're about to get married? He's like,
yeah. I said, well, it doesn't it doesn't
stop there, bro. You know what I'm saying?
Because you get rich, she's gonna make a
lot of food for you. She likes to
make food. And,
it's gonna you know, that beer belly is
gonna cut that belly that'd be really stuck
for a lot. That basbousa belly or the
baklava belly
is going to protrude or it may come
out in other places that may cause you
to buy bigger sizes of pants or maybe
shirts.
And she may not like that, man. So,
you know, during the marriage,
you you mentioned the attraction. So the man
has to work on himself,
I guess Mhmm. Physically.
Does that lessen the attraction
if he's not keeping himself upkept?
I mean, even outside of the belly. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, what It's just the way
you dress clean clean it work it works
both ways. Right? Right.
Our parents' generation, I feel like they they
they you've seen uncles. Right?
You're not gonna see most uncles in sweatpants
and a t shirt. Yeah. Right? They they
they do they do it right. You know?
How about how? It's like, yep. You know
what I'm talking about? Even, like, the older
uncles, masha'Allah. It's always a dress shirt, pants.
There's just something dignified. They'll go to Walmart
and wear that. Mhmm. You know? Okay. You're
not gonna see them in, like, you know,
like like like flip flops and this and
that. It's it's it's always, like, so there's
the you know what I'm saying? Right? I
was gonna say, like, my dad.
I was thinking about my dad too. Yeah.
Yeah. Every time he goes out like, he
could be going out to CBS, which is
down the street, to get something for my
mom. I saw that look. He'll put on
a dress shirt, dress pants, look all nice,
cologne, everything, and then go out and then
be back in 5 minutes, and he's done.
What does that signify, though? What what does
that signify? Takes care of him. What are
y'all telling us? He's take care he takes
care of him. He has a he has
a level of,
dignity in him that pushes him to look
a certain way, behave a certain way, especially
in front of his in his wife, my
mom. Right. So he wants her to see
that, okay, even if I'm going out just
to get you something small for 5 minutes
Mhmm. Mhmm. I'm doing it with Ehsan
in the best possible way. So I I've
seen that, and and I love that one.
Yeah. Great. Great. Mhmm. That's something that, like,
our generation, younger generation can take from and
and learn from that and implement that as
well. Right. Right. That's very interesting. Yeah. That's
very interesting. So
being upkept even,
you know, in in the house, you know,
SubhanAllah.
Right.
You know, he loves beauty.
So okay. So during the marriage so keeping
up, staying yourself,
you know, making sure you're looking clean even
when you're in the house, even around your
wife because the attraction is not static. It
it can grow even within the marriage. Right?
What about with the character
of the husband?
What are some things that will make him
more attractive or that can lessen the attraction?
And there's one word I want to use
here, resentment.
What are some of the things that can
cause the wife to resent him
during the marriage
that he wasn't doing from before?
Like when they first got married it was
great, but now that he's married he's been
lackadaisical. We talked about cloneness. We talked about
is he fit. But what about with his
character? What are some things that you have
seen? What would you advise in this regard?
Rigidity.
Rigidity. Okay. Being rough. Yeah.
Being rough and flexible. Right? Mhmm. Lack of
willingness to understand.
You know,
you you you've seen this, like, not not
just in marriage therapy, but, like, you know,
with kids, with teenagers, with your students. Right?
Mhmm.
We all
desire to be understood.
You don't have to agree with me. Just
understand me.
That's across the board. Right?
Very basic principle in relationships in general. In
order to
be understood, in order to receive
excuse me, in order to receive understanding, you
have to give understanding.
Okay. And when the person knows that you're
willing to have that hosnadhan, and like, okay,
I don't fully get it, but I'm willing
to understand why this bothers you. I might
not even agree with you a 100%, but
I'm willing to understand what bothers you about
this. Right? Mhmm. And the more you see
that flexibility in me, the more you're willing
to give it back.
Okay. Okay. You know? Okay. And,
you know, it it goes along with, like,
healthy communication. So this is this is one
thing that I I teach a lot in
premarital counseling, but it comes up quite a
bit in marriage counseling. People fall into 2
general categories when it comes to dealing with
upset feelings. Right?
You're either a
problem solving first person or an understanding first
person. So let me define that real quick.
Okay. So a problem solving first person,
the way their nervous system is wired is
when they are frustrated, when they like, you
lose your job, you get into a fight
with a family member,
you know, you feel a certain way.
What calms me down is solutions.
Right? I don't really need a pat on
the back, but I need to know, okay,
what are the next steps? How do we,
you know, get get out of this? Like,
do I have to go on LinkedIn? Do
I have to do this? Do I have
to do that? Right? Mhmm. What are we
gonna do differently,
moving forward?
Understanding first people,
they're also very rational, reasonable, so on, or
willing to be that way. But they first
need to be understood. They need to be
heard. Right. Should be heard. I'll I'll give
you a very personal example. So I was
a I was a single dad for a
number of years. Right? And so I I
I remember,
like
a desi kid always we always struggle with,
like, food. And, like, for some reason, like,
you know, our our kids are generally, like,
smaller. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And so, like, you
know, my son's giving me all this trouble
about eating and I'm, like, going around, like,
trying to, like, you know, he's underweight, so
on. And so I asked I asked my
best friend. I was like, man what do
you do that I'm not doing? And so
on. I'm just like venting
and,
because I'm very much an understanding first person.
Mhmm. All he said to me
was Usman, your situation is tough.
I started tearing up.
Mhmm. Where's the solution in that? No solution
in that. How many times do our spouses
just need to hear that? Like man that
that was rough. Like okay my mom spoke
to you that way?
Damn it. That shouldn't have happened. You know?
I'm really sorry that happened. Mhmm. I'm not
gonna sit there and explain. No. No. No.
But she meant this and she meant that
and you're just a bad person for misunderstanding
it. Right? Not gonna lose anything by just
saying, like,
I'm sorry that happened.
Mhmm. You know?
Mhmm. That like, that meant that I felt
like a mountain lifted off my shoulders. The
next day I looked up a dietitian.
That I felt so much more in control.
In control? Yeah. Because of that empathy. Exactly.
Wow. Exactly.
Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. I said something lacking a
lot in I mean, I so now now
I'm generalizing. Right? But that that is that
is lacking in brothers sometimes where, you know,
they they they they say, like, well,
you know, all she wants to do is
complain and so on. Right? Okay. Okay. Maybe
she's looking for that understanding. And once she
gets it, like and it's it's
it's not expensive to give. Right? Right. Right.
Things seem to resolve themselves relatively quickly.
So so so so during marriage, wife comes
home. She's complaining.
And I'm I'm not using the words I'm
not using this word complaining to shun sisters,
but she's venting.
Right? About something or someone or something.
Even certain scholars mentioned that
it's not truly considered ghiba, backbiting,
if you are venting to someone that can
help.
So when the wife comes home and talks
about what happened at work with a couple
of sisters,
you're saying in this particular situation, if he's
an understanding first person or to be an
understanding first person is just to sit and
to listen
and to maybe say I understand.
No. No. No. Like to try and understand.
Right? Right. To try and, you know,
I don't have to fully agree with you,
but I'm acknowledging your
the, like, your abilities. Like, you're you're not
crazy. There are others normalcy and rational human
beings who would be just as upset as
you. I might not be one of them.
Mhmm. But there are other people who are
there, so you're not crazy for the way
you're feeling. Right. So to I mean, things
to say because some guys wouldn't know what
to say. They they probably wanna they probably
try to work like, I wanna say this,
but I know she doesn't want a solution.
Right. So they should say is, like Yeah.
I get it. I understand. Oh, wow. Well,
yeah. Maybe not I get it. I understand
because that's you don't know
where that's going. Where's it going? Where's it
going? I was gonna I was gonna say,
like, tact.
What what what does he say? You know,
because a lot of guys they wanna solve
the problem. Right? And, you know, sometimes it's
happened like, I don't want you to solve
my problem. Just want you to listen.
I'm just gonna be quiet. Didn't you come
to give us some advice? I'm your husband.
I'm I'm supposed to solve. I'm the best
person. Leader listening, like, thinking that my marriage
is hard. I don't know what to do
this anymore. It does take effort. It does
take effort, but, like, man, when once you
got it down, man, there's nothing more beautiful
in the world than that. So it takes
effort to be quiet.
Right? It takes the effort to, like, hold
down your ego, but Hold down your ego.
The
understanding person person first, like,
I I can see it as they're the
one who's in the situation, in the problem,
in the difficulty, and they're venting. Or they
need some company in the dark place that
they're in. Mhmm. That's what it is. They
want some company in that area that they're
in, that difficulty.
And they want someone to understand that, okay,
I'm in this area. I'm in this place.
And just
understand,
understand that I'm not alone in this.
And if someone just comes in and says
exactly that, like I get it. This is
tough.
You have the company in that place.
And you you feel like you're not alone.
Mhmm. And I think understanding
for as a as a vast generalization,
generally it's women that are more understanding first.
Very generally speaking.
And if a if a husband can come
in and just
try to put himself to where she is
and understand how she is feeling
and verbalize that back,
a lot of times that's enough.
Mhmm. What do you think about that? Yeah.
No. No. Absolutely. A 100%. It's it's it's
and and people who pride themselves on logic.
Right? If that is the thing that's gonna
get the results fastest, then do that. Yeah.
You know? That's the more logical thing. So
you can still be as manly so I
don't mean to say that, but Yeah. No.
No. No. Seriously. It's like, if you're if
you're a logical person, then, you know, learn
to speak her language. That's the more logical
thing instead of just pushing back and trying
to bend that rib. Right? Like Mhmm.
Yeah. Beautiful. I was gonna say I used
to know. I have to mention the hadith,
the prophet of Islam. That's cool. It's a
beautiful hadith that you mentioned. You know, the
prophet of Islam, you said,
Adam, that the woman was created from the
rib of Adam. And then he said something
so beautiful. He said, if you were to
strike try to straighten
it out, you would break it. Mhmm. You
You would break her. So don't try to
straighten her out and change who she is
because you would rarely break her just like
you tried to straighten out a rib. It's
not it's impossible.
You can't do that. So with the 5th
run, the way that she is, you know,
don't try to make her solve the problems
your way as you mentioned.
Is that a process to learn? Because the
other first person, is there a role? Does
that have validity in a relationship as well?
You said there's Right. So so this is
this is based on, a theory that actually
might one of my professors back in grad
school came up with this called pragmatic experiential
therapy for couples.
I like it because it's one of those
it's like like cognitive behavioral therapy. It's easy
to teach. It's easy to to learn.
It it's it's very evidence based. So it's
backed by like finding xenonoscience and so on.
Right?
But the idea is that the overwhelming majority
of, arguments. And I'm not talking about major
things like infidelity and abuse and, you know,
all of this, but the over of the
overwhelming majority of arguments
are because of a incongruence between,
what he calls core differences.
Right? Mhmm. I like to be shown affection
one way. She likes to be shown affection
another way. I like to blood on my
frustrations one way, she likes to be, you
know. And so, when these two things collide,
that's when you have arguments. An extreme extrovert
and extreme introvert.
Like, you know, the differences exacerbate themselves.
Mhmm. Absolutely. So so so it's it's
like Is there Is it better to be
understanding first or problem solving first? Right. No.
Both are it's as arbitrary as chocolate versus
vanilla ice cream. Right? They're Okay. They're both
good. So it's best to observe your spouse
throughout the relationship and see? I I I
think so it's a tool actually I do
a lot in pre premarital classes. I actually
have couples, like, go through this and kind
of understand that. And we're like, oh, wow.
I never really, you know, categorized myself in
that way, but you know what? In general,
like, I I do lean more towards this
and that. Right. And so now you know
how the other person is. You've asked some
very meaningful questions. Right? And and you don't
have to, you know, only do it in
premarital counseling. Like, even while you're married. Even
if you've been married 20 years. Mhmm. Right?
I think, you know, somebody could still learn
this about this. What's called core differences. Okay.
You learn about your spouse in that way.
You know,
are are are they future oriented versus, like,
you know, in the moment and so on.
And then
their actions make a little bit more sense.
Right. And we know
Yeah.
What's your take on the 5 love languages?
Okay. I did a workshop with Sheikh Yasser
on this. 5 love languages is a book.
It's a well known book translated in many
languages. So I think it has some type
of some kind of relevance to what he's
talking about now. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Doctor Gary
Chapman. Yeah. Right? So,
what what is it? I don't know if
he's like a hardcore baptist or something, but
like he he he marketed
that a lot. Oh, yeah. A lot. I
think it's a very simplified concept that he
did a great job marketing. It's not limited
to 5 love languages. You know, that's that's
that's one thing. Because sometimes people will look
at that and there's research on this. Like,
people will look at the 5 languages and
say, like, oh, but I actually like to
be loved in this way and this way.
Going back to the idea, like, especially
the South Asian guys. Right? I like to
be loved by I I love my family
and what is a love language to me
is my wife showing respect to my family.
That's not one of the 5 love languages
Mhmm. But it's important to me. Right? So,
research has found there's there's several other,
love languages out there. Mhmm. Right? Okay. So
so so that's one thing. It's a good
start. Right? It's it's it's the idea of
just,
I I think it falls back into communication.
It's like really getting to know what makes
your partner smile. What what what brings them
comfort and you know, them doing the same
for you. So you've been asking the question.
What makes you this? What makes you that?
Did you like this? Did you like that?
In times of reason, not in times of
Oh. Of hardship. Okay. And it can change,
by the way. Sometimes sometimes guys get frustrated.
Like, oh, but she said, like, she likes
gifts and now she doesn't like, okay. It's
fine. People grow. People change, you know. When
looking at,
you know,
you talk about observing the family, asking
knowing yourself and understanding your flaws. And, again,
it takes it really takes a guy to
be humble
because,
you know,
him being vulnerable
by acknowledging that he doesn't know something, just
like you said the ego,
that could play a huge role because sometimes
they okay. If she sees that I don't
know this, she may it may not be
attractive or I may not be looked at
as the man of
of of of of the house or whatever
the case may be. Seeing men
come to your office,
okay,
and
they
had a lot of stress built up, maybe
have been suicidal.
Okay?
And you were the first person
that they talked to,
and they had to gather up a lot
of I'll use the word humility Yeah. To
come to. It took a number of years.
Right? For them to do that. Point that
I'm really getting to is
I'll I'll start with this this story. I
received a text from a brother,
and and this is this is not a
brother. This is brothers.
And when I read this text,
it was a sign of him reaching out.
And me reading the text in the way
that he wrote it was like, wow. That
means this brother reached out. This brother reached
out. This so I called one of the
previous brothers.
I was like, man, will you he said,
yeah, man. I was really going through it.
I was really going through it.
So I wanna talk to you 2 brothers
about particularly 2 aspects of reaching out with
with men. Okay?
The first one
is the brother that
found it within himself to send a text,
and it was vague.
Like, sound like a brother. What are you
doing? How's everything going? Just haven't talked to
you in a while.
Just over here by myself.
Send.
It's a message of, like, I need some
companionship. I I really wanna talk. I'm going
through * right now. Yeah. I just got
a divorce. I'm on the verge of getting
a divorce.
Right? That's we're gonna get to the 2nd
brother. But the first brother is a brother
that reaches out.
What would you say to this brother
that has reached out
and he did not get a response?
Okay?
The brother that reaches out and did not
get a response, what would you tell them?
Because when he doesn't get that response,
shaytan can play with him like, look, I
tried a class. Just go back and just
deal with it. And some of them, they'll
go to drinking, go to drugs. Not all
of them. They'll go they'll go to someone
or something to fill that pain and that
void. Right? Right. What would you tell that
brother?
You know, SubhanAllah, I think there's an element
of
strength
that is taken in order to be able
to reach out. Mhmm. But strength
shows its,
shows actually how strong it is when it's
challenged. And if you reach out to someone
and they don't respond back, it's a challenge
to that strength.
That it took to reach out. That it
took to actually put yourself out there and
be vulnerable.
So because someone didn't respond, that doesn't mean
that you
just falter
and break down and that's it. You don't
go back and and reach out again.
I think you have to find someone else.
And I know that's tough and I know
and and first off, I think like there's
an element of Masha'Allah,
reward the brother for reaching out. Because it's
not easy to do Exactly. It's not easy
to do that. It's true. But it's gonna
happen. You may have to reach out to
another person another person until you get a
response.
And I know that puts the onus on
the brother,
but that strength of reaching out will be
challenged.
And that challenge may come in the aspect
of not receiving response from the first person
or the second person. But I also think
there's an element of of, like Allah says
that there's no burden that a person, that
Allah doesn't burden us all with more than
he can bear. Mhmm. So, the process of
reaching out
is a burden, is difficult, but it is
also something that you can bear as well.
Right. Right.
Man, now you're gonna get me emotional because
it's been a tough week. I mean,
we need to do a better job as
men.
Reaching out to each other. Loving each other.
Checking up on each other.
You know, like Wow.
2 people very close to me are going
through a difficult time right now, and
I
I just I I'm I'm I I feel
bad that, like, why didn't I check up
enough? Like, what and we and we're subtle.
We're subtle in the signs that we're going
through pain. Right? That's so subtle. We need
to step up as brothers. Right? My wife
my wife told me this. She's like, honestly,
I feel like men don't know men. Mhmm.
Like I know. Yeah.
I will
I'll know how about you bench before I
know your pain points and what you're going
through and that difficulty. How much you bench?
I'm just
Or the reason why I have Vince. Right?
The reason why I Yeah. So just to
just to let that frustration out. When I
got my divorce, Sheikh Yasir told me 2
things. Right? And may Allah bless him. Right?
He said,
he said,
stay with the community.
Keep no matter what, right, stay with the
community
and hit the gym.
Essentially, do you even lift?
I, we'll talk about this maybe in the
divorce episode, but there were times you were
talking about strength and pushing through. Between
reps, man, I was tearing up. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. And I was just, like, hiding
my tears. Oh, yeah. And then I go
on to the next rep. I had to
push through that. Aloha. Right? I love it.
Some of my best friends don't know this.
I'm a therapist. I'm encouraging, you know, my
wife knows this. Right? Other family members might
know this. My brother knows this.
My best friends don't know. Why is that?
It's a problem. Why don't we share with
each other, man? It's a problem. We're we're
we're struggling.
It's a problem. We're in pain.
Yeah. And and and, you know, you deprive
yes. There's there's a strength in reaching out,
but you're also, subhanAllah, like, when you don't,
you're also depriving the other person of Ashir.
Allahu hala. Right? Yeah.
Reaching out doesn't necessarily mean checking up on
them and talking to them specifically about whatever
it is that they're doing. Yeah. Yeah. It
could be just like this. You get together.
You have some laughs. You talk. Enjoy some
food. And you'll be surprised at how many
times, like, guys just getting together
for something as simple as playing games, some
kind of game competitive nature, even just lifting
together. Yeah. And then it comes out. Yeah,
man. And then the the pain points start
coming out. But it's it's just creating that
opportunity for
that to come out, whether it's Yeah. Eating
together, whether it's Yeah. Working out together, gaming
together Yeah. In terms of,
competitive games or something like that, or even
just sitting together and talking like this. Yeah.
It allows for that opportunity
for those pain points to come out. If
I text either of you guys ever that,
hey, if you're free, let's toss a football
around. That means
it's it's up to here, and I need
to let it I keep a football in
the car. Yes. SubhanAllah. And, we don't even
have to talk. I just need to launch
that thing. I need to
throw up a ball back and forth for
a bit.
And yeah. Yeah. And that that's that's what
I was gonna get to the next I
kinda touched on it already, but,
the person that receives the text,
like just you meant you mentioned. Let's just
get if
you I don't want to ask what kind
of texts are there. Mhmm. But
what what could be
and and you may not have an answer
for this. You know? What could be a
sign from the receiver
that he can see, okay. Oh, okay. This
brother's kinda reaching out. The fact that a
text came
is enough. Yeah. Like, how you okay. Yeah.
The fact that a text came is enough,
Especially if it's brothers that you haven't heard
from in a while. Oh, that's right. And
they reach out to you. It doesn't matter
what's being said. The fact that they sent
you a text message is enough.
Mhmm. It's fine. And that's on you to
to maybe explore a little bit more. Pick
up the phone and call them. Has it
been? See how they're Exactly. And that's, I
think, just the out the behavior. The behavior
has shifted. Mhmm. Mhmm. And that's one thing
that we look for in in the office.
If behavior is shifting, and if a brother
that hasn't texted you in a while is
reaching out to you, that's enough of a
of a sign Right. To pick up the
phone and check on. There there was there
was a
a situation where,
a client had reached out to, their therapist,
and it was just a very vague email
at,
like, an odd time. The therapist happened
to be, and I've heard the story personally,
like, happened to
just be looking at their email, and they
were able to just read, okay, something is
off.
Immediately called the client.
Client was very, just kind of incoherent.
Called 911.
Police were able to break through the door.
She had overdosed.
Had he not checked that email?
But like like like you said, just just
a text. You know? And it doesn't it
doesn't have to be as deep as suicide,
but it's just just the idea. And we
don't even honestly dude, we don't have to
wait for things to build up. Yeah. Right?
Sheikh Yasser was talking about this and
like, we need to revive
this this idea, the sunnah of basically,
I'm driving past your house and I'm like,
yo. Let's just, you know, let's chop it
up a little bit. Let's have some tea.
Something. Make it super simple. Yep. Right? I
I I'm I'm more and more interested now
in the idea of community and the importance
of community and suhba, especially brotherhood. Mhmm. As
a preventative factor in mental health issues. Oh,
wow. And I'm seeing it more and more.
And I know this is your thing, dude.
Like, I yeah. Yeah. And it's growing. The
whole concept of community, even on the online
sector of, like, cohorts and learning, it's starting
to become a thing as well. Just so
because, you know, we're insen, we're uns. Yeah.
That we're social creatures, you know, and, subhanAllah,
you know, in an individualistic society that is
pushing more towards, you know, that that that
that social touch being in in together Right.
You know, in person, offline is crushing. And
and don't don't you think that that strength,
you know, that that brotherhood, that community where
we have those outlets leads to healthier marriages?
Oh, no doubt about it. Yeah. Brother, I've
the gym is I mean, physical exertion. Doesn't
have to be the gym inside a wall
No. Outside getting a slam ball. Like, I'm
I'm I had a circuit training I do
with brothers. It's a bucket and a slam
ball. You get a bucket if you can't
squat because you used to be on computer.
At least get down to the bucket, come
right back up, get the ball, and slam
it. Like, that'll release a lot of stress.
So to the last type of you mentioned
it earlier. By by the way, like, because
I wanna say because I I I also
just caught myself. I mentioned just throwing the
footballs in a that's the beginning. Talk about
it too. But, like, that's a that's a
entry point because I feel like you're gonna
be like, dude, what are you teaching people?
You're just because our football is like, so
we don't talk about our problems. No. Open
up. Like, we do we need to do
better with that. Yeah. We need to be
comfortable with those tough conversations. Yeah. I strive
to have friends who will call me out
when I'm in the wrong. That's the other
thing Yeah. SubhanAllah.
Be willing to call your friends out. That's
what a friend is.
Right. Subhanallah. Brothers, if if if you're yeah.
If
if if your if your friend
is, like, abusive towards their family, be that
good friend. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Let's okay.
We we gotta touch on that, Jake. I
mean,
sister reaches out to you, the wife of
your best friend or friend, and then she
says this is going on. What do you
advise a friend that gets that call?
Like, bro, are you really doing this? What
and because this is during the marriage and
the man is he's he's fallen short, you
know. It it happens. He's stressed out,
you know. He's going through things. Family
member may have passed away. There's been a
level of resentment
and he's releasing his stress out in that
way, physically abusing his wife, which is, you
know, totally haram in Islam. Right. Right. And
we're not condoning it. Yeah. We're not condoning
it. No. That's I don't know. Let me
So you're you're responsible for your hands. Yeah.
You're response oh, of course. No. That's not
allowed in any shape, form, or fashion, or
incident at all.
What would you advise a friend that receives
a phone call from the wife,
from his friend's wife,
that he's been domestically abusing her?
That's
tough. And this is a message to the
brothers that are currently doing it. I mean,
you know, there's a level of of of
of
of sympathy for your problem that led you
to do it, but doing it isn't permissible.
It's not allowed in Islam. And she is
someone that is as the prophet said, you
know,
verily I am very diligent over the protection
of the 2 weak ones, the the the
orphan and the woman. Uh-huh. Right? And their
weakness
is a beautiful thing. It is not a
flaw. It is a weakness that the law,
supreme god, has created them with, being that
they may be generally speaking weaker than that
of the male Right. In regards to physical,
aggression they talked about. So when a woman
calls and she's reaching out, and a lot
of times they feel that they're in jail
because
there was one time, SubhanAllah, the brother threatened
her
that if you say anything,
right, it's going to be worse.
And mind you, this is her first husband.
He took her That's what I tell brothers
all the time. Like, this is The Prophet
SAW Salam, forgive me. The Prophet SAW Salam,
when he talked about Zina, he said, would
you
would you like that to happen to your
mother? Would you like that to happen to
your sister? We like that to happen to
you. And he went down the line.
Yeah. Mother, aunt, sister in the hadith.
Yeah. So that is someone's daughter you are
taking away from their house. And then for
you to verbally
abuse her, verbally abuse her, and then physically
abuse her,
is it fair for me to say
and I'm using the epitome of of of
of words here,
to risk your friendship
by advising that brother and telling him, look,
bro.
You know, you need to stop.
Like, what would you all say in this
regard? What's the method? What's the process he
should take when he receives that call?
I need a huja in front of Allah
that I spoke up and, you know,
you know, spoke up for justice and truth.
Right? That's being a good friend. Right?
You know, it's not the other person whether
they listen or not, but I Mhmm. I
I I have to speak up. Right? And
I
understand you have to use Hikma and so
on, but
like, honestly in that type of situation,
we're not vocal enough as brothers. Mhmm. We're
not. You know?
I
There's there's a case where like,
a very educated, you know, lady got her
jaw dislocated
because the because the guy grabbed her hard
and was trying to make her understand something
and she wasn't paying attention. You know? Mhmm.
Dislocated her jaw.
Right? We need to we need to be
tough on this. We need to, you know,
like speak up as men. Yeah. Right? Yeah.
Yeah. That's that's that's that's it's it's not
it's not a man who can't, you know,
control his temper in that manner. Right. And
that's why
you need caves.
Yes.
This is why you need caves. For some
people it's the barbershop.
For some people it's the gym. For some
people, it's just the living room or the
garage, you know. I forgot which, I was
reading an article
and they were talking about
how,
I think it was the book,
men on strike talking about why men do
not get married. There were some valid points
in there. There was one chapter where they
were talking about the man cave and how
the man cave is a sign of emasculating
him
because
he can't have any habitat in the house,
so he has to go to the basement
or the garage.
I beg to differ with that. I mean,
the man wants that. He wants that, but
he just wants a place of isolation where
he can just hang out, put his feet
out, Right. Right. And drink some water, not
beer. Drink some water.
I like your garage. That's a nice setup.
It's a little bit. But, yeah, it's a
place where you can hang out, talk, talk
junk, laugh Mhmm. You know, make fun of
each other, you know, what they call roasting
each other now or copying or whatever the
case may be. You know, the companions used
to do that rather.
In in the midst of all of that,
just that laughter,
there's been numerous times where I've been in
situations like that
and,
you know, you're laughing, but then when you're
walking to your car about to leave,
the brother comes to you. Yep. Because I'm
like the emav, so they're like, shit, I
just wanna talk to you about something. We
were together for 3 hours. 3 hours.
Yeah. And he found it within himself from
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and his his strength
and humility that he was able to come
to me and say, you know
what?
What's going on?
Just the wife, man.
You know, one time I asked her brother,
subhanallah,
how's everything going?
And he just, boom,
just start. I'm getting a divorce man. I
don't know what's going on. I'm just getting
a divorce and then boom. Just
I said, let's go over here. You know,
so because probably nobody asked him that. Because
like, you know, we're talking about this idea
of altruism
and, you know, and so on, but that
also means that, you know, for for a
lot of us that like, we put ourselves
last. We take care of ours, we take
care of our family, we work hard, we,
you know? And and and and we we
have pride in that. Yeah. But then there
is that build up. Right?
And, you know, for you when's the last
time, you know, you asked, like, one of
your your friends, like, how how are you
holding up, man? How are you doing? Yeah.
Super proud. Not not not not just how's
your job, but, like, how are you doing?
Yeah. Exactly, man. Exactly. That's so important. Just
to, you know
as Rod know, he has on his calendar,
it's the Uhua calls.
Oh, man. On his calendar. Uhua
calls.
You know? And I love how you mentioned
that. We don't have enough time, but I
think it's really good for the for the
sisters and the wives to hear as well.
You know, the men are complaining when they
when they come last in the house. Right?
It's just like you said, he finds pride
in doing that, but we're human as well.
Yeah. And sometimes the wife may ask, but
there's nothing like the brother coming and asking,
I mean, how's how's everything going?
Everything's going no. No.
How's everything going, man? Boom. It's like, boom.
You know? So I'm so glad you mentioned
that. Brothers, sisters, you know, may Allah bless
you for tuning in. This is a a
great session as all of them are great.
What are some of the things that the
man should be aware of during marriage? Some
signs that could lead to,
you know, it's something that they should be
aware of. Could be red flags or red
lines. But most importantly, I think from what
we just talked about in conclusion,
establish your iman establish your iman cave. Right?
Have a place where you can sit and
talk 5 minutes, 50 minutes. You can just
talk over food,
over a dumbbell, barbell, out just in the
park walking.
You know, well you can just get with
men that have the same mindset or your
friends or an imam or someone
that you can talk to because
it sounds very simple.
Like it has no effect. But as you
can see here with 2 therapists, Mashallah Tabarakallah,
that there's a huge effect in that in
that companionship. You know, may Allah Subhana Wa
Ta'la bless both of you for tuning in,
for for coming here and enlightening me and
enlightening everyone else, masha'allah, in this beautiful
beautiful segment that we have of, you know,
of talking about divorce problem or solution. May
Allah bless all of you viewers. And please,
we're reading the comments. May Allah bless you
all for your comments, for your insight,
you know, and if you have any suggestions.
We're not perfect. And we didn't mention everything.
We weren't planning to mention everything, but just
some some of the milestones
that take place. And we're asking Allah Subhana
Wa Ta'la to accept it from us and
to accept it from you for watching. BarakAllahu
faqum.
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