Abdullah Oduro – Iman Cave #02 A Man Guide To Marriage – During Marriage

Abdullah Oduro
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The speakers emphasize the importance of understanding the process of divorce during marriage, as it can lead to divorce, divorce, or marriage therapy. They stress the need for a positive attitude towards sex, personalized communication, valuing individuality, and building emotional connections. The importance of reaching out to men is emphasized, along with the need for community and sues in mental health issues, empowering brotherhood, avoiding domestic abuse, and setting boundaries. The need for strong leadership and communication is also emphasized.

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			The night of the marriage, he has a
		
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			box. In this box, he opens the box
		
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			and it's a tire. It's a certain type
		
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			of attire that he's expecting. His sister got
		
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			scared. And he was slightly frustrated. When I'm
		
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			hearing this, I'm thinking immediately, okay. Why is
		
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			your expectation
		
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			this immediately? In order to receive understanding, you
		
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			have to give understanding. Okay. And when the
		
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			person knows that you're willing to have that
		
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			Hosnathan, and like okay, I don't fully get
		
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			it, but I'm willing to understand why this
		
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			bothers you. I might not even agree with
		
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			you a 100%, but I'm willing to understand
		
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			what bothers you about this. You may have
		
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			to reach out to another person another person
		
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			until you get a response. And I know
		
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			that puts the onus on the brother, but
		
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			that strength of reaching out will be challenged.
		
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			And, that challenge may come in the aspect
		
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			of not receiving a response from the first
		
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			person or the second person. The process of
		
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			reaching out is a burden, is difficult. Mhmm.
		
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			But it is also something that you can
		
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			bear as well. What would you advise a
		
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			friend that receives that phone call from the
		
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			wife, From his friend's wife that he's been
		
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			domestically abusing her?
		
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			Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh. How's everyone
		
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			doing? I'm Abdullah Oduro and welcome to the
		
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			Iman Cave where where we discuss issues of
		
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			male excellence
		
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			while being grounded in faith.
		
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			I'm done.
		
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			I can't do this anymore.
		
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			You know what? I think I want a
		
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			divorce.
		
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			I don't know if I can handle this.
		
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			This statement has been said by some of
		
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			us that are viewing
		
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			or we've heard our fathers or mothers say
		
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			this.
		
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			You know, in Islam, it's very important for
		
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			us to understand initially
		
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			that
		
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			the goal of what is called the Maqasid
		
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			of the Sharia or the Islamic objectives is
		
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			to establish
		
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			and maintain families
		
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			with the reality that Al Khadik, the creator
		
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			of the heavens and the earth, knows us
		
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			as human beings and that we're human.
		
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			We'll forget, we'll be negligent, and sometimes we
		
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			may not be compatible.
		
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			Meaning 2 people that are trying to be
		
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			their best may not be compatible.
		
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			We see this with the life of the
		
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			prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam and the companions
		
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			that Talaq divorce
		
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			took place.
		
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			Thank you for joining. We are on our
		
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			second portion
		
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			of the series entitled divorce problem
		
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			or solution.
		
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			If you tune into the first show, it
		
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			was about before marriage. As you know, we
		
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			are going to talk about 3 components or
		
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			phases. Before marriage,
		
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			during marriage, and after marriage.
		
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			The last show was about before marriage. What
		
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			are some of the pitfalls
		
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			and what are some preventative
		
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			measures that you men can take
		
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			in regards to getting married. Some things that
		
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			you should consider.
		
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			Now, we're going to talk about
		
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			during marriage.
		
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			How can it be divorced during marriage? Where's
		
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			the connection? Well,
		
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			many people that we know and many people
		
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			maybe you and it's okay because
		
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			the divorce can be a solution sometimes and
		
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			can be a problem and we're going to
		
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			dive deep into that.
		
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			During the marriage, sometimes people may not be
		
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			there mentally.
		
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			They may be divorced mentally in their mind
		
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			when they walk walk in walk in their
		
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			homes.
		
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			They dread seeing their wives. The wife dreads
		
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			seeing her husband.
		
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			This even took place during the time of
		
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			the prophet
		
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			where a woman mentioned that
		
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			she just is not attracted to him and
		
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			she fears that she may have a form
		
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			of ungratefulness
		
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			to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And from this
		
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			hadith, this situation,
		
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			what took place with this female companion, may
		
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			Allah be pleased with her, the prophet sallallahu
		
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			alaihi wasallam legislated what's called khulr or what
		
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			is called the request to be separated
		
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			from her husband, divorce from her husband. We
		
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			order her to give back the Mahar or
		
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			the dowry which was the garden that was
		
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			given to her by him.
		
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			But as was mentioned for men,
		
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			what are some things that you, men that
		
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			are aspiring to get married, that you should
		
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			know and men that are watching and you're
		
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			probably going through this? We're here to help
		
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			with 2 illustrious individuals. Firstly, the one to
		
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			my right, brother
		
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			Faizan Majid,
		
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			Long time friend. Hamdulillah.
		
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			And he is a therapist, a counselor. And
		
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			I wanna you know, the words are very
		
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			important here and I don't wanna make the
		
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			mistake and feel free to correct me. He's
		
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			a behavioral therapist and counselor,
		
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			and you counsel from all ages. Correct? Or
		
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			Counsel all ages. All ages. So currently counseling
		
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			in school
		
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			and. How long have you been doing this?
		
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			I've been doing it for about 4 or
		
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			5 years,
		
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			and I counsel all ages, but it just
		
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			naturally has become more younger Mhmm. Folk, children
		
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			Okay. Because I end up with working with
		
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			quite a few Islamic schools,
		
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			Okay.
		
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			He will be our cohost today, and I
		
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			think this is gonna be a phenomenal session
		
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			because we have 2 therapists but particularly we
		
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			have our licensed marriage and family therapist,
		
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			brother Usman Muhuni. He was there last week
		
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			Alhamdulillahabil Alamin and he is going to talk
		
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			about what all of us are going to
		
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			talk about. I'm just going to sit back
		
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			and listen and benefit and get all the
		
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			food inshaAllah as you will consume this for
		
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			the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
		
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			Brother Usman Mooknee is a licensed marriage and
		
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			family therapist.
		
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			We are going to talk about today
		
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			during marriage. What are those things that potentially
		
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			can lead to
		
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			divorce? Now,
		
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			when talking about this brothers particularly,
		
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			you know, during marriage,
		
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			you know, we we hear the term red
		
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			flags. Right? You know, one of those things
		
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			that you saw before the marriage
		
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			and you know sometimes in your offices the
		
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			woman will say the man will say that
		
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			was a red flag. I knew I should
		
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			have listened to it.
		
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			I knew I should have followed it. Right?
		
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			Let's start with
		
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			mentally, you know, psychologically
		
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			when the man is in
		
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			the course of marriage, whether it's the 1st
		
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			month,
		
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			the 1st year, the 10th year,
		
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			we see I've seen as an imam, the
		
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			man comes in the office and he's he's
		
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			checked out,
		
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			like mentally checked out.
		
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			You know, he's smiling,
		
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			But But when he sits in your office,
		
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			when you get along with him, he's able
		
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			to be vulnerable. And if we're gonna talk
		
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			about that and he's just not there mentally,
		
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			he's just there. I'm just providing.
		
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			I'm not even there mentally.
		
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			What do y'all have to say about that
		
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			in regards to
		
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			not being there mentally
		
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			for the man? What are some situations that
		
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			you've seen and what's some potential advice you
		
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			can give in that regard?
		
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			It's not something that happens overnight. Right? Like,
		
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			one statistic that I share, Faisal, I'm sure
		
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			you you know, you're you're familiar with this,
		
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			is that on average,
		
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			couples will go to, like, marriage therapy
		
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			5 to 7 years after a problem has
		
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			been After. Yeah. A problem. So, if you
		
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			think about a repeated pattern over and over
		
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			and over again for 5 to 7 years,
		
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			that's gonna be very difficult to break out
		
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			of. So, that resentment is there. Exactly. That,
		
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			you know, that frustration,
		
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			and you almost
		
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			at
		
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			at that point. And but it's, like, for
		
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			them, it's, like, evidence based. Right? It's, like,
		
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			I know what they're gonna do because I
		
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			haven't trust me, brother. I know how she's
		
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			gonna react. Trust me, you know. I know
		
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			how he's gonna, you know, react. Okay. Okay.
		
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			So having those bad expectations of Right. Right.
		
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			Right. Right. There's there's even this whole idea
		
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			of,
		
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			getting to a point where you release the
		
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			person from the role of the villain. You
		
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			know what I'm saying? Getting to a point
		
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			where you expect the absolute worst from them.
		
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			And, you know, when we were talking about
		
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			like the, you know, previous stage, while you're
		
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			looking for somebody Mhmm. You know, we were
		
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			talking about this idea of, like, being rigid,
		
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			you know, having standards, so on. Like, you
		
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			know,
		
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			yes, it's great to have Hosna done, but,
		
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			you know, don't save her. If you don't
		
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			you know what I'm saying? Like, don't jump
		
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			into a situation like that and so on.
		
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			Once you're in it,
		
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			it's different. Right? Once you're in it, then
		
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			you then there then that leniency, that flexibility,
		
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			all of that is there. You know what
		
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			I'm saying? I see. I see. I see.
		
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			Right. Now you're not as rigid. Right?
		
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			The the that's what we're kinda trying to
		
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			point out initially. Right? It's that the biggest
		
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			preventer of divorce is, you know, marrying the
		
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			person who's right for you in the 1st
		
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			place. The person's right for you in the
		
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			1st place. Yeah. I mean, you know, people
		
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			are listening and they're like, but it's too
		
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			late now. Alright? So so now we're now
		
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			we're gonna talk about, like, what, you know
		
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			and and I think one thing, and we
		
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			we come across this a lot, dude. Like,
		
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			it's,
		
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			how do I know it's right to get
		
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			divorced? Like, what Right. What and and that's
		
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			what people unfortunately, when it because we're kind
		
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			of centering this around divorce. Right? Ask yourself,
		
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			okay, what is my objective when I come
		
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			into a counselor's office? When I come to
		
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			an imam's office? Okay. Is it reconciliation?
		
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			Or is
		
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			it some type of validation that,
		
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			yes, I'm right for asking for a divorce.
		
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			Right? So that's the first thing. What's your
		
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			intention?
		
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			And then, you know, based on that, we
		
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			can talk about, maybe I'm jumping ahead of
		
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			myself, but we can talk about what are
		
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			some steps? What are some, like, poops you
		
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			have to basically jump through before you can
		
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			say that, okay, as
		
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			humanly objectively as possible, I think divorce is
		
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			the right decision or I think staying together
		
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			is the right decision. Okay. So if if
		
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			we were to just, you know, start from
		
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			how you mentioned, you know, the whole concept
		
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			in Islam of and
		
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			which is having bad thoughts or good
		
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			expectations
		
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			about the person.
		
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			If we're looking at the husband for instance,
		
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			Faizon, the husband, you know, he says look
		
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			it's been 5 years. We've been married we've
		
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			been married for 7 but the past 5
		
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			years
		
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			she's just been vicious, man. And I'm not
		
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			expecting
		
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			anything good from her. I'm expecting her
		
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			to always be jealous. She's a very jealous
		
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			sister. Right?
		
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			Him walking in like you mentioned, him walking
		
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			into the office
		
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			and just
		
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			maybe having the intention just to get validation
		
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			to do or act the way he is
		
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			acting.
		
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			Is that common? I mean, he's saying that
		
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			it's common. Have you have you seen that
		
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			a lot and what would you particularly,
		
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			advise in that particular situation?
		
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			Yes, SubhanAllah. I think when there's an element
		
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			of when someone comes into your office of
		
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			of
		
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			they're coming in with a level of baggage
		
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			of truths
		
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			that they think are true Mhmm.
		
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			That they have believed for so long that
		
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			actually need to be put on trial.
		
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			Okay. They need to be examined. They need
		
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			to be,
		
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			looked at a little bit more carefully and
		
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			actually see if this is an actual truth
		
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			that's in my marriage. Mhmm.
		
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			And if it is, what is the evidence
		
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			that I have for that? So say someone
		
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			comes in, like you mentioned, they have an
		
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			expectation that my wife is jealous Mhmm. And
		
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			is always going to be jealous. That second
		
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			part of the statement, always going to be
		
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			jealous. Okay.
		
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			Is that really the case? Mhmm. Or are
		
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			you reading into things? Or are you looking
		
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			at things a little bit differently? And I
		
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			think there's an element of work that needs
		
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			to be done there.
		
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			Mhmm. If if that is true and if
		
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			there is evidence, then we obviously take the
		
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			next steps and look at, if there's a
		
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			possibility for reconciliation. If not, then divorce. Yeah.
		
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			You know you know what you know what's
		
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			important here, man? I I just wanna make
		
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			that interject on that because
		
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			let's be honest.
		
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			We're not head of Bashmen. We're not head
		
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			of Bashwomen. We're here to tell certain truths
		
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			or realities with people that this is their
		
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			profession.
		
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			So I'm almost about to say take it
		
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			how you want it, but
		
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			you mentioned
		
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			the truths need to be put on I
		
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			like how you mentioned that because
		
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			the man may come to the office, and
		
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			he didn't wanna come in the 1st place.
		
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			Especially a licensed marriage and family therapist, the
		
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			woman may have brought him there.
		
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			Right?
		
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			And, he he he he he he was
		
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			man enough, right, to get up and go.
		
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			But then if his truth is being put
		
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			on trial,
		
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			he has to be willing
		
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			to accept that. Yeah.
		
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			You know, it's a level of humility
		
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			that's needed.
		
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			Would y'all agree? That's yep. That's exactly it.
		
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			Yeah. Absolutely. Right. Right. You know? So because
		
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			because when there's when when he's there, something
		
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			that he like, he mentioned I'm I'm so
		
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			glad you mentioned that How it's 5 years
		
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			in the in the making. Right?
		
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			Yeah. How he comes there and he he's
		
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			expecting his truth to be validated, but all
		
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			of a sudden he's challenged. And sometimes it's
		
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			in front of his wife.
		
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			Sometimes it's in front of his wife because
		
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			he had these thoughts about her
		
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			and he's being challenged at what he knew
		
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			was
		
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			was right. Right?
		
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			Particularly in the aspect of respect.
		
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			Let's move on to respect.
		
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			Numerous times I heard,
		
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			she doesn't respect me.
		
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			What have you all seen in regards to
		
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			respect? What I've seen in respect, firstly,
		
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			she second guesses my decisions.
		
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			She doesn't listen to me.
		
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			Right? Do you all hear that constantly from
		
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			from those that may be married? When in
		
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			regards to respect when when they say the
		
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			word respect, what falls under that when they
		
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			when they expound upon that Right. Particular subject?
		
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			It it depends on the individual. Mhmm. Right?
		
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			There there there's one thing, like, when it
		
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			comes to marriage talks and so on. Right?
		
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			I don't like generalizations.
		
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			Okay. Right? Mhmm. And I I and I
		
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			and I get that, like Yeah. You know,
		
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			we can kind of, you know, predict, like,
		
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			for for example, oh, women are more emotional,
		
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			men are more logical, or something like this.
		
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			Right? Like, that that pigeonholes us. Right? You
		
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			look at things on an individual
		
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			basis. Right? The prophet, salAllahu alaihi wa sallam
		
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			gave certain advice based on the person, their
		
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			situation, and so on. Right? So I don't
		
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			know why that gets lost when it comes
		
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			to, mental health, when it comes to relationships,
		
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			and so on. Then we're okay just, you
		
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			know, generalizing.
		
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			So,
		
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			what does respect mean? It depends on the
		
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			person. Mhmm. You know, one person might define
		
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			respect one way. 1 person might define respect
		
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			the other way.
		
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			Also,
		
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			you know, what baggage are they coming with?
		
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			Right? So if if somebody is feeling that,
		
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			like, oh, I've always been called irresponsible. I've
		
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			always been called like that. You know, I,
		
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			you know, I don't work hard enough for
		
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			something by my parents or by my friends
		
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			or this or that. Right? So if that
		
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			means that any inkling, even if his sister
		
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			didn't mean, you know, in the wrong way
		
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			is gonna trigger him, then he's gonna consider
		
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			that disrespectful. So you also have to kind
		
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			of take a step back and say,
		
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			like, you know, look at your own baggage
		
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			and so on. You know what I'm saying?
		
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			Like, define it. What does that mean for
		
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			you? What will make you specifically feel respected?
		
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			I was gonna say, like, that specifically, like,
		
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			it's so individual. Like, respect is so individual
		
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			that you have to you know,
		
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			we hear a lot that you need to
		
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			learn you need one of the biggest things
		
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			that you need to do when you're married
		
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			is that you need to communicate with each
		
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			other. Okay. Communication is huge.
		
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			But I like telling clients that yes communication
		
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			is huge,
		
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			but you need to know what to communicate
		
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			as well. You need to know yourself to
		
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			the point where you can communicate. So if
		
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			respect is something
		
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			that's incredibly important, what does it mean to
		
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			you? Yeah. And that changes the interaction between
		
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			husband and wife. If you don't know what
		
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			respect means to you, how are you ever
		
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			gonna be able to communicate it? Exactly. Okay.
		
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			So the okay. I I this is a
		
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			little pushback for both of you. And I
		
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			know there's gonna be pushback right
		
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			now. So if it's individually based, what do
		
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			we say about the concept of the fitra?
		
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			So like for instance,
		
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			men are created what is it? Men are
		
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			from Venus and women are from men women
		
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			are from Mars. Right? Right.
		
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			Can we say that there's a there has
		
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			to be a level of generalities
		
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			when it comes to male and female fitra
		
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			biology Right. From them being
		
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			predominantly
		
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			women are more emotional, Yeah. Which is not
		
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			a flaw. Right. Right. Of course. Of course.
		
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			And predominantly
		
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			men are,
		
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			what,
		
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			less emotional or more, More stoic, more Stoic.
		
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			Aggressive. Right. Aggressive. Right? Right. Which is not
		
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			a flaw. It's just as long as it's
		
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			used in its proper
		
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			so how are we joined between those 2?
		
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			Because
		
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			when you mentioned respect as well,
		
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			along with the fitra, along with the natural
		
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			inclination, Yani, that we were talking about biology,
		
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			for lack of better words, which is an
		
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			aspect of the fitra,
		
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			Cultural nuances.
		
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			Mhmm. Right? What's considered respect? I grew up
		
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			and this was respect to me. I come
		
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			home every day. There should be food ready.
		
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			And if there's not food ready, there's a
		
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			level of disrespect that I will not tolerate.
		
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			So how would we
		
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			reconcile
		
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			between the fact that it's not cookie cutter
		
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			Right. But there there is, there is wiggle
		
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			room or freedom
		
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			for there to be individualistic
		
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			considerations
		
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			when dealing in this particular aspect. Right. I
		
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			mean, I I think part of it is,
		
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			like, we work on the micro and not
		
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			the macro. Exactly. Right? Mhmm. So, like,
		
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			the the the like, in the therapy office,
		
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			like, just like 1 on 1 Mhmm. That's
		
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			why I don't like those generalizations. Like, in
		
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			in in general,
		
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			like, yes. There
		
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			are, I think, a decent, you know, particularly
		
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			large sample size of like South Asian men
		
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			for example, who would,
		
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			you know, just feel elated when their wife
		
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			shows love and consideration and care
		
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			to, you know, their mom and their sister
		
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			and their siblings
		
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			and their and their father. And that's, you
		
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			know, respect for them. Right. You know what
		
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			I'm saying? Right? Yeah. Are there others who,
		
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			you know, maybe don't care? Yes. You know?
		
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			Like, I I the point is, like, I
		
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			wouldn't just jump in and assume because I
		
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			I've gotten, like, you know, push back. Understandably
		
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			so. Like, we're like, okay, well, why are
		
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			you assuming? Like, sometimes the guy will be
		
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			like, dude, why are you assuming that I'm,
		
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			like, you know, I'm actually, you know, I
		
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			can become quite emotional. Mhmm. Right? I think
		
00:16:16 --> 00:16:19
			there are some generalities there. Like, there's there
		
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			are creative differences Yeah. Between men and women,
		
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			of course. But
		
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			when they come into the office and when
		
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			we talk to them, there's a discovery process
		
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			that has to happen in the beginning. Below.
		
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			We're understanding what their level of respect is.
		
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			But very generally speaking, I think there is
		
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			an element of
		
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			we we like to come home and for
		
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			South Asian men, we like it when
		
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			our wife looks at us
		
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			as a leader. Mhmm. And I think that
		
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			aspect of leader, that needs definition as well.
		
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			Mhmm. But then that's more individualistic. But if
		
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			there's a level of
		
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			looking
		
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			at their the husband as someone who takes
		
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			the lead, takes the charge, and and leads
		
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			the household,
		
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			I've I've seen that a lot. I've seen
		
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			that a lot with clients that that's something
		
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			that can be in that category of being
		
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			respected by their wife. But see, I don't
		
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			think that's
		
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			individualistic though.
		
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			I think that that's Islamic.
		
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			Of course. And I mean, you know, even
		
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			the term of kawama,
		
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			right, which seems problematic, and I think it's
		
00:17:16 --> 00:17:18
			problematic because of the way it's implemented and
		
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			because of societal
		
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			norms that Islam does not accept.
		
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			Right? So for instance, we in Islam believe
		
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			that man is the leader. Mhmm. Right? And
		
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			we believe that in Islam, y'all can y'all
		
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			can I wanna hear what y'all have to
		
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			say? In Islam that the word obedience should
		
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			not be shied away from. Like, the woman
		
00:17:36 --> 00:17:38
			should be obedient to her husband,
		
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			but then the husband should serve his wife
		
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			as well. When we look at the word
		
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			obedience, we think in Arabic, it's
		
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			It's like
		
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			worship or it's that she has no say
		
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			whatsoever and that
		
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			whatever he says, period, cannot be questioned.
		
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			That's not that's see, that's where it's a
		
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			cultural nuance
		
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			that has kind of overshadowed
		
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			overshadowed the Sharia.
		
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			We see the the female companions. Meantime, they
		
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			will question the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam.
		
00:18:04 --> 00:18:07
			Yeah. He would mention something, they would question
		
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			him. Right. Right? And then the prophet would
		
00:18:08 --> 00:18:10
			answer. So when I think and that's what
		
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			I mentioned. I think we in Islam, especially
		
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			particularly in this issue of gender relations,
		
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			we need to own a lot of these
		
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			terms. So for instance, obedience,
		
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			service.
		
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			Right? The man does serve his wife.
		
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			His protection provision is serving the wife. He
		
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			should listen to her, you know, when she
		
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			mentions something because she is the mother of
		
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			his children. Like, that's a lofty position.
		
00:18:30 --> 00:18:31
			Housewife
		
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			is a is a word that has been
		
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			robbed
		
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			by secularism,
		
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			by feminism,
		
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			and I think primarily from the sexual revolution,
		
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			starting from there in the birth control pill.
		
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			The housewife is in is a lofty
		
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			position in Islam.
		
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			It's a lofty position. I'd like to hear
		
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			what y'all just say because I think from
		
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			that and I think there there's there's Tawfiq.
		
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			I think there's a synergy between what you
		
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			mentioned with it, which y'all mentioned with because
		
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			this therapist,
		
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			when he comes in and he says she's
		
00:18:59 --> 00:19:00
			not listening to me, oh, yeah. That's because
		
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			he's stoic. Yeah. I understand
		
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			that that's because men are this.
		
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			They're I mean, being a therapist doesn't accept
		
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			it's not that simple.
		
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			Right? Is that what you all are kind
		
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			of alluding to that,
		
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			yes, I understand those general nuances that take
		
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			place with the fit through in the biology
		
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			of the men, but I won't allow that
		
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			to dictate
		
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			how I I asked him earlier, is therapized?
		
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			Is that a verb? We can make it
		
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			a verb.
		
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			It makes you happy.
		
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			It makes me happy. So theropize. I don't
		
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			know what we're gonna I don't wanna get
		
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			you out of trouble, but I was gonna
		
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			join us in this. Idea
		
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			of how it looks individualistic. You mentioned it
		
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			in in part 1 actually. Mhmm. That's where
		
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			I think you gave the example of
		
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			a husband that makes less than his wife,
		
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			and the wife makes a lot more money,
		
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			but she's still
		
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			giving that leadership role to him.
		
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			So there's a financial difference there, but that
		
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			leadership role is
		
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			So there's a general aspect of leadership and
		
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			then the individualist
		
00:19:58 --> 00:20:00
			individual aspect of how it kind of fits
		
00:20:00 --> 00:20:03
			into here. Is that the manifestation of individualist
		
00:20:03 --> 00:20:04
			that you Yeah. That's kind of what I
		
00:20:05 --> 00:20:06
			I I I do. And I I'll I'll
		
00:20:06 --> 00:20:08
			speak on myself. Right? Like, I I think
		
00:20:08 --> 00:20:09
			that,
		
00:20:09 --> 00:20:11
			and maybe this is this is a fit
		
00:20:11 --> 00:20:12
			for it. I think part of Bawama
		
00:20:12 --> 00:20:14
			is is a, Hikma in leadership,
		
00:20:15 --> 00:20:16
			but also a sense of altruism.
		
00:20:17 --> 00:20:19
			Right? Mhmm. Like I I I think that
		
00:20:19 --> 00:20:21
			Of course. You know, a good man
		
00:20:21 --> 00:20:24
			will be able to look at his wife
		
00:20:24 --> 00:20:26
			and kids having fun.
		
00:20:26 --> 00:20:27
			You know, maybe just running around in, you
		
00:20:27 --> 00:20:29
			know, playground or something like this. Knowing that,
		
00:20:29 --> 00:20:32
			alhamdulillah, like, you know, I'm able to provide
		
00:20:32 --> 00:20:34
			this life for them through halal means. And
		
00:20:34 --> 00:20:36
			that's his happiness. He's not asking for anything
		
00:20:36 --> 00:20:37
			else back Oh, yes. But that. You know
		
00:20:37 --> 00:20:38
			what I'm saying? Like, I I don't know
		
00:20:38 --> 00:20:40
			if you ever had those moments where you're
		
00:20:40 --> 00:20:41
			just like What do you mean? What do
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:41
			you mean? What do you mean? What do
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:41
			you mean? What do you mean? What do
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:41
			you mean? What do you mean? What do
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:41
			you mean? What do you mean? What do
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:41
			you mean? What do you mean? What do
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:41
			you mean? What do you mean? What do
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:42
			you mean?
		
00:20:50 --> 00:20:52
			That is beautiful, man. Oh my god. It's
		
00:20:52 --> 00:20:54
			so beautiful. SubhanAllah. Yeah.
		
00:20:54 --> 00:20:56
			That's beautiful when you just see your face.
		
00:20:56 --> 00:20:57
			I remember I was with my father-in-law
		
00:20:58 --> 00:20:59
			in the Medina, and
		
00:21:01 --> 00:21:02
			I mean,
		
00:21:03 --> 00:21:04
			may Allah bless him. He has a big
		
00:21:04 --> 00:21:05
			family. I'll just leave it at that. He
		
00:21:05 --> 00:21:07
			has a he has a big family.
		
00:21:07 --> 00:21:08
			So he had like
		
00:21:09 --> 00:21:11
			at least 10 grandchildren.
		
00:21:12 --> 00:21:13
			No. He has 10 children
		
00:21:14 --> 00:21:16
			and then, like, about 15 to 20 grandchildren
		
00:21:16 --> 00:21:18
			who were all in the room. They're all
		
00:21:18 --> 00:21:20
			running around. Like, the sisters were outside, but
		
00:21:20 --> 00:21:20
			the brothers
		
00:21:21 --> 00:21:22
			so I looked at him. I looked at
		
00:21:22 --> 00:21:24
			him. I said, I said, I said, I
		
00:21:24 --> 00:21:26
			was like, all of that is because of
		
00:21:26 --> 00:21:26
			you.
		
00:21:27 --> 00:21:28
			And, you know, as a man, he looked
		
00:21:28 --> 00:21:29
			like he was like
		
00:21:30 --> 00:21:33
			I was like, I was like jealous, but
		
00:21:33 --> 00:21:35
			it was just beautiful because you see all
		
00:21:35 --> 00:21:36
			of them, you know.
		
00:21:36 --> 00:21:38
			Nasalallah Aafil As Salaam. We ask Allah for
		
00:21:38 --> 00:21:40
			health. Oh, yeah. They're all healthy. They're all
		
00:21:40 --> 00:21:42
			screaming and running and being troublesome and bring
		
00:21:42 --> 00:21:45
			you know, knocking over the the tea and
		
00:21:46 --> 00:21:47
			and it's a beautiful moment. You know? It's
		
00:21:47 --> 00:21:49
			it's a beautiful I'm so glad you mentioned
		
00:21:49 --> 00:21:50
			that. I I love a loud house, by
		
00:21:50 --> 00:21:52
			the way. I love I just it's a
		
00:21:52 --> 00:21:54
			lot. I love a loud mushed too. It's
		
00:21:54 --> 00:21:56
			a lot. You know? You know? Supana lot.
		
00:21:56 --> 00:21:58
			So okay. So we we we talked about
		
00:21:58 --> 00:22:00
			during the marriage. Okay. You know, mentally, you
		
00:22:00 --> 00:22:02
			know, there may be some bad expectations, but
		
00:22:02 --> 00:22:04
			it's very important as you all mentioned, you
		
00:22:04 --> 00:22:06
			know, you can't generalize
		
00:22:06 --> 00:22:08
			as well. And then the man needs to
		
00:22:08 --> 00:22:10
			really take a step back particularly and think
		
00:22:10 --> 00:22:11
			of what is that,
		
00:22:12 --> 00:22:14
			the bad thoughts that he has, and he
		
00:22:14 --> 00:22:16
			has to kind of unpack that. Or that's
		
00:22:16 --> 00:22:18
			where we all come into, unpack that,
		
00:22:18 --> 00:22:20
			challenging the truth, putting the truth to trial.
		
00:22:20 --> 00:22:22
			It's important for men to be to be
		
00:22:22 --> 00:22:24
			humble and that's a process,
		
00:22:25 --> 00:22:27
			and it's a challenge. But Allah Subhanahu Wa
		
00:22:27 --> 00:22:27
			Ta'ala
		
00:22:27 --> 00:22:28
			loves that.
		
00:22:29 --> 00:22:31
			Now during their marriage as well,
		
00:22:32 --> 00:22:33
			people come into the office and
		
00:22:34 --> 00:22:36
			you know there may have been some expectations
		
00:22:36 --> 00:22:37
			on intimacy.
		
00:22:40 --> 00:22:41
			Right?
		
00:22:41 --> 00:22:42
			I'll give one example.
		
00:22:44 --> 00:22:46
			A man gets married, and,
		
00:22:48 --> 00:22:50
			the night of the marriage I think let's
		
00:22:50 --> 00:22:51
			just start the night of the marriage, expectation
		
00:22:51 --> 00:22:53
			of the night of marriage.
		
00:22:53 --> 00:22:54
			He has a box.
		
00:22:55 --> 00:22:57
			In this box, he opens the box and
		
00:22:57 --> 00:22:59
			it's a tire. I'll just leave it there.
		
00:23:00 --> 00:23:01
			It's a certain type of attire that he's
		
00:23:01 --> 00:23:02
			expecting.
		
00:23:02 --> 00:23:03
			The sister got scared.
		
00:23:04 --> 00:23:05
			Right?
		
00:23:05 --> 00:23:07
			And he was slightly frustrated.
		
00:23:08 --> 00:23:11
			When I'm hearing this, I'm thinking immediately, okay,
		
00:23:11 --> 00:23:12
			why is your expectation
		
00:23:14 --> 00:23:15
			this immediately?
		
00:23:17 --> 00:23:18
			I think it's very important,
		
00:23:18 --> 00:23:20
			you know, on the first night you'll find
		
00:23:20 --> 00:23:23
			because we had another episode. You know, let's
		
00:23:23 --> 00:23:24
			be frank. I mean, a lot of our
		
00:23:24 --> 00:23:27
			young men, they're watching *. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm.
		
00:23:27 --> 00:23:28
			And that *
		
00:23:28 --> 00:23:29
			sets a certain expectation
		
00:23:30 --> 00:23:32
			on the female. Right.
		
00:23:32 --> 00:23:34
			And he may not even realize because he's
		
00:23:34 --> 00:23:36
			so engulfed in that, and marriage for him
		
00:23:36 --> 00:23:39
			was like, alright. Now it's on. Yeah. Right?
		
00:23:40 --> 00:23:42
			And she's looking at him like he's
		
00:23:42 --> 00:23:44
			an animal. And that's a total
		
00:23:45 --> 00:23:47
			I wanna use turn off, but it's just
		
00:23:47 --> 00:23:48
			it's it's concerning.
		
00:23:48 --> 00:23:49
			Right?
		
00:23:49 --> 00:23:51
			What have you all seen in regards to
		
00:23:51 --> 00:23:53
			that? I mean, like during the marriage or
		
00:23:53 --> 00:23:53
			the first night,
		
00:23:54 --> 00:23:56
			what have you all seen or heard or,
		
00:23:56 --> 00:23:57
			you know, dealt with in this regard?
		
00:23:58 --> 00:23:59
			Right. So,
		
00:23:59 --> 00:24:01
			I mean, a a few things. Right?
		
00:24:02 --> 00:24:04
			Like, you mentioned *. Right? So *
		
00:24:04 --> 00:24:07
			throws away the entire idea of foreplay.
		
00:24:08 --> 00:24:09
			Right? And Can you explain what that is?
		
00:24:09 --> 00:24:10
			Yeah.
		
00:24:10 --> 00:24:11
			For foreplay,
		
00:24:11 --> 00:24:13
			you know, leading up to just
		
00:24:13 --> 00:24:15
			penetration. Right? Mhmm.
		
00:24:15 --> 00:24:17
			When when people watch *
		
00:24:18 --> 00:24:20
			they skip scenes and they skip to like
		
00:24:20 --> 00:24:22
			the that's not how intimacy works. There's a
		
00:24:22 --> 00:24:24
			warm up period. There's like, you know, biologically
		
00:24:24 --> 00:24:26
			there's a difference in how quickly a man
		
00:24:26 --> 00:24:28
			gets aroused versus how quickly a woman gets
		
00:24:28 --> 00:24:29
			aroused. Right?
		
00:24:30 --> 00:24:32
			And you know that you're talking about communication,
		
00:24:32 --> 00:24:34
			that's something that has to be communicated and
		
00:24:34 --> 00:24:36
			we shouldn't be shy. Like, first talk about
		
00:24:36 --> 00:24:38
			it like just in general. Right? There has
		
00:24:38 --> 00:24:40
			to be a great, like, * education,
		
00:24:40 --> 00:24:41
			curriculum. One of my one of my friends
		
00:24:41 --> 00:24:43
			I don't know, Habib Akindi. And he he
		
00:24:43 --> 00:24:44
			but he talks quite a bit about that.
		
00:24:44 --> 00:24:46
			He, you know, brings it back to different,
		
00:24:46 --> 00:24:49
			you know, examples like works of Ibn Hazem
		
00:24:49 --> 00:24:50
			or Hamillah and so on and just The
		
00:24:50 --> 00:24:53
			LUT. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Right?
		
00:24:53 --> 00:24:53
			So,
		
00:24:55 --> 00:24:57
			you know, you know, communicating and learning that
		
00:24:57 --> 00:24:58
			process. Right?
		
00:24:59 --> 00:25:01
			There I I I've seen
		
00:25:02 --> 00:25:03
			I don't have any statistics compared to like
		
00:25:03 --> 00:25:05
			previous, but I have seen cases of,
		
00:25:07 --> 00:25:07
			vaginosis
		
00:25:08 --> 00:25:08
			like, where,
		
00:25:09 --> 00:25:11
			you're familiar with this right? Like where where
		
00:25:11 --> 00:25:13
			the female will have pain during penetration and
		
00:25:13 --> 00:25:15
			there's no other medical reason for it. And
		
00:25:15 --> 00:25:17
			so, there's physical therapy and so on that
		
00:25:17 --> 00:25:19
			helps with that. Right? But then, like, you
		
00:25:19 --> 00:25:20
			know, the guy knowing that okay, this does
		
00:25:20 --> 00:25:22
			exist. Right? And there's no way for the
		
00:25:22 --> 00:25:25
			girl to know that beforehand. Right. Right? Not
		
00:25:25 --> 00:25:27
			a lot. For for the virgin. Right? Right.
		
00:25:27 --> 00:25:29
			You know, being open to having these type
		
00:25:29 --> 00:25:31
			of conversations and so on. Right? And, like
		
00:25:31 --> 00:25:33
			like, even as we're talking about this right
		
00:25:33 --> 00:25:35
			now, like like, I'm like, oh, this is
		
00:25:35 --> 00:25:36
			an Islamic show. I'm single or penetrate. Why
		
00:25:36 --> 00:25:38
			why is that weird for me to say?
		
00:25:38 --> 00:25:40
			You get what I'm saying? Like, that's the
		
00:25:40 --> 00:25:42
			problem. That's the problem. Right. That is the
		
00:25:42 --> 00:25:44
			problem. And Islam does call for you to
		
00:25:44 --> 00:25:46
			be, for lack of better words, mature. No.
		
00:25:46 --> 00:25:48
			Yeah. You know, especially for men because if
		
00:25:48 --> 00:25:49
			they're gonna be the leaders, they have to
		
00:25:49 --> 00:25:50
			be mature and know how to deal with
		
00:25:50 --> 00:25:52
			these situations. Like you mentioned, if it may
		
00:25:52 --> 00:25:54
			have been painful, he may think he's doing
		
00:25:54 --> 00:25:56
			a great thing because of Production. What is
		
00:25:56 --> 00:25:57
			it? Exactly. Right. I'm so glad you mentioned
		
00:25:57 --> 00:25:59
			that. You know, with the forklift. And make
		
00:25:59 --> 00:26:01
			no mistake. I mean, this was in the
		
00:26:01 --> 00:26:02
			time the prophet saw them in different ways.
		
00:26:02 --> 00:26:04
			You know? Yeah. The prophet there was kissing
		
00:26:04 --> 00:26:05
			there. You know, the prophet saw them even
		
00:26:05 --> 00:26:06
			with, Aisha,
		
00:26:07 --> 00:26:08
			you know, she would pass the cup and
		
00:26:08 --> 00:26:09
			he would turn the cup to where he
		
00:26:09 --> 00:26:11
			drank Right. And drank from there. That's a
		
00:26:11 --> 00:26:13
			form of romance. I mean, romance is something
		
00:26:13 --> 00:26:15
			that is very much very important. Right. You
		
00:26:15 --> 00:26:16
			see
		
00:26:16 --> 00:26:18
			this many sununah the prophet
		
00:26:18 --> 00:26:20
			for for young men to understand. And like
		
00:26:20 --> 00:26:21
			you're saying, the skipping, the foreplay,
		
00:26:22 --> 00:26:23
			that's from Allah.
		
00:26:23 --> 00:26:25
			Right. Right. And and, you know, as a
		
00:26:25 --> 00:26:27
			man, there's a pride that you have in
		
00:26:27 --> 00:26:29
			that and that you're able to please your
		
00:26:29 --> 00:26:30
			spouse in that manner. Right. Right? Right. Not
		
00:26:30 --> 00:26:32
			just relieve yourself, but please your spouse. Like,
		
00:26:32 --> 00:26:35
			there's you feel better. You should feel better.
		
00:26:35 --> 00:26:37
			Exactly. Right? Exactly. And that's that's completely antithetical
		
00:26:37 --> 00:26:39
			to, like, what * teaches. So Exactly. It's
		
00:26:39 --> 00:26:41
			kinda like From what I've seen, like,
		
00:26:41 --> 00:26:43
			on the marriage night,
		
00:26:43 --> 00:26:46
			there's an expectation of bliss from the guy
		
00:26:46 --> 00:26:48
			Mhmm. And an expectation of fear from the
		
00:26:48 --> 00:26:50
			woman. Have you found that as well? So,
		
00:26:50 --> 00:26:51
			I mean, that that that's that's what,
		
00:26:52 --> 00:26:54
			like leads leads some types of bad menaces.
		
00:26:54 --> 00:26:55
			Right? Like Yeah.
		
00:26:55 --> 00:26:56
			Yeah. Like,
		
00:26:56 --> 00:26:58
			it's it's true sometimes. Yes. That that is
		
00:26:59 --> 00:27:01
			That is tense. Yeah. Yeah. And just the
		
00:27:02 --> 00:27:04
			the mismatch between the 2 Right.
		
00:27:04 --> 00:27:06
			That leads to a lot of problems that
		
00:27:06 --> 00:27:09
			could come from. Right. No. No. Absolutely. Absolutely.
		
00:27:09 --> 00:27:10
			So so what will help foster a sense
		
00:27:10 --> 00:27:12
			of safety. Right. And, you know and and
		
00:27:12 --> 00:27:13
			that's, you know
		
00:27:14 --> 00:27:15
			like, okay. We'll we'll we'll get very explicit
		
00:27:15 --> 00:27:17
			here since we you know,
		
00:27:17 --> 00:27:20
			when you're communicating, you can talk during *.
		
00:27:20 --> 00:27:20
			Right? Yes.
		
00:27:21 --> 00:27:22
			Okay. How does this feel? How does this
		
00:27:22 --> 00:27:24
			not feel? It's not gonna be perfect the
		
00:27:24 --> 00:27:25
			first night. Guys who are virgins, girls who
		
00:27:25 --> 00:27:26
			are virgins. It's not gonna be it's it's
		
00:27:26 --> 00:27:28
			supposed to get better over time, but you
		
00:27:28 --> 00:27:30
			learn about each other. You learn about each
		
00:27:30 --> 00:27:32
			other's Together. Together. Yeah. Right? Do you like
		
00:27:32 --> 00:27:34
			this? Do you not like this? You know,
		
00:27:34 --> 00:27:35
			ask questions and then go through it. Yeah.
		
00:27:35 --> 00:27:37
			There's a growth process. There's a growth process.
		
00:27:37 --> 00:27:39
			Exactly. So that expectation that's gonna be fireworks
		
00:27:39 --> 00:27:40
			the first night.
		
00:27:40 --> 00:27:42
			Then let me ask this question. Does there
		
00:27:42 --> 00:27:43
			have to be * the first
		
00:27:44 --> 00:27:45
			night? A few couples delay,
		
00:27:46 --> 00:27:47
			consummation.
		
00:27:47 --> 00:27:48
			Right? So there's, you know,
		
00:27:49 --> 00:27:51
			you know, there's there's foreplay. There's all of
		
00:27:51 --> 00:27:52
			this, but then they did they delay penetration.
		
00:27:53 --> 00:27:54
			And she says I'm just not ready. You
		
00:27:54 --> 00:27:56
			know? She said she's ready. Right? Right. Yeah.
		
00:27:56 --> 00:27:57
			Right. And I said that situation as well
		
00:27:57 --> 00:27:59
			because a brother I remember one brother told
		
00:27:59 --> 00:28:00
			me, he said, yo. We just talked the
		
00:28:00 --> 00:28:02
			whole night till Fudger. Mhmm. And her brothers
		
00:28:02 --> 00:28:04
			are like, what? Yeah. I'm like, what's wrong
		
00:28:04 --> 00:28:06
			with that? If he's if he's if he's
		
00:28:06 --> 00:28:07
			okay with it. Right? No. No. He I
		
00:28:07 --> 00:28:09
			mean, he was mentioning it like Yeah. Yeah.
		
00:28:09 --> 00:28:10
			I think he was mentioning like
		
00:28:11 --> 00:28:13
			you you know, it was beautiful, actually. I
		
00:28:13 --> 00:28:14
			just I just remember what he said. He
		
00:28:14 --> 00:28:16
			said, yeah, we talked the whole night. Some
		
00:28:16 --> 00:28:17
			brothers are like, what? Keefe.
		
00:28:18 --> 00:28:20
			He was like, I didn't even think about
		
00:28:20 --> 00:28:22
			like, our conversation was so good. We were
		
00:28:22 --> 00:28:24
			laughing, and then the Adana fajr went off.
		
00:28:24 --> 00:28:26
			Subhanallah. You know? And it was a beautiful
		
00:28:26 --> 00:28:27
			moment. And
		
00:28:27 --> 00:28:29
			then she felt safe. She told me later
		
00:28:29 --> 00:28:31
			she felt safe after that to be I
		
00:28:31 --> 00:28:33
			bet you an attractive. I bet your future
		
00:28:33 --> 00:28:35
			intimacy was fireworks for them because they made
		
00:28:35 --> 00:28:38
			that emotional connection, because they talked, they communicated.
		
00:28:38 --> 00:28:40
			Yeah. I love it, brother. I think that,
		
00:28:40 --> 00:28:42
			like, that's it. Like, that element
		
00:28:43 --> 00:28:45
			of making her feel safe. Right. And then
		
00:28:45 --> 00:28:48
			that that's all foreplay as well. Exactly. Building
		
00:28:48 --> 00:28:50
			that emotional connection. That's all there. Like, it
		
00:28:50 --> 00:28:52
			doesn't have to be in specific kisses or
		
00:28:52 --> 00:28:54
			things like that. It could just be talking
		
00:28:54 --> 00:28:55
			all night. Right. Right. So just for your
		
00:28:55 --> 00:28:57
			own pleasure. Not just physical. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly.
		
00:28:57 --> 00:28:58
			Physical.
		
00:28:58 --> 00:29:01
			Exactly. All those the senses, just, you know,
		
00:29:01 --> 00:29:03
			and you mentioned earlier, like, what does attract
		
00:29:03 --> 00:29:05
			again, you know, the smells, the the you
		
00:29:05 --> 00:29:07
			know, for men, it's like kinda what they
		
00:29:07 --> 00:29:08
			see. Mhmm. Mhmm. You know, these things that
		
00:29:08 --> 00:29:10
			can bring form of arousal.
		
00:29:10 --> 00:29:12
			The man, if he really wants to take
		
00:29:12 --> 00:29:13
			that role of qalama and leadership,
		
00:29:14 --> 00:29:15
			he has to be the one that you
		
00:29:15 --> 00:29:17
			know, the foreplay for him, it may be
		
00:29:17 --> 00:29:19
			much quicker for him where he gets aroused
		
00:29:19 --> 00:29:20
			and wants to be with her. But for
		
00:29:20 --> 00:29:22
			her, it takes time. And that's and that's
		
00:29:22 --> 00:29:23
			not that is not a flaw in her.
		
00:29:23 --> 00:29:25
			That is how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has
		
00:29:25 --> 00:29:27
			created her. You know, that he has to
		
00:29:27 --> 00:29:28
			be,
		
00:29:29 --> 00:29:31
			some have a level of charisma. Yeah. Have
		
00:29:31 --> 00:29:32
			a level of charisma when when when talking
		
00:29:32 --> 00:29:34
			to her. Okay. So
		
00:29:34 --> 00:29:35
			great first night.
		
00:29:36 --> 00:29:38
			You know, things are working out.
		
00:29:40 --> 00:29:42
			She's complaining that I'm not the guy that
		
00:29:42 --> 00:29:43
			I used to be.
		
00:29:44 --> 00:29:45
			Right?
		
00:29:46 --> 00:29:48
			I don't I walk around the house
		
00:29:49 --> 00:29:50
			with they call it the Bunyan there's a
		
00:29:50 --> 00:29:52
			group here, so they're called Bunyan.
		
00:29:52 --> 00:29:54
			But she gave me the 3rd grade of
		
00:29:54 --> 00:29:55
			my last year. I call it.
		
00:29:57 --> 00:29:59
			Right. It's in the Quran. It's so soft.
		
00:29:59 --> 00:30:01
			Like they are a strong foundation, but y'all
		
00:30:01 --> 00:30:02
			laugh. Y'all are making it. We already do.
		
00:30:02 --> 00:30:04
			Because my son my son asked that same
		
00:30:04 --> 00:30:06
			question. He's like and I literally on that
		
00:30:06 --> 00:30:07
			verse. Right?
		
00:30:08 --> 00:30:09
			Was like, why do they say Bunyan? It's
		
00:30:09 --> 00:30:11
			a Can you share what the audience what
		
00:30:11 --> 00:30:13
			Bunyan is? Like, it's like it's like a
		
00:30:13 --> 00:30:14
			wife being a woman. Don't say that word.
		
00:30:16 --> 00:30:18
			I was like, you would Say that, bro.
		
00:30:19 --> 00:30:20
			No. No. That's
		
00:30:20 --> 00:30:22
			that's horrible. No.
		
00:30:22 --> 00:30:22
			Can
		
00:30:23 --> 00:30:25
			edit that out, man. Sorry. No. Fuck your
		
00:30:25 --> 00:30:26
			shirt, man.
		
00:30:26 --> 00:30:28
			How how else can we describe it? A
		
00:30:28 --> 00:30:30
			tank top under shirt. A tank top under
		
00:30:30 --> 00:30:32
			shirt. Tank top under shirt. Yeah. Okay. That
		
00:30:32 --> 00:30:34
			works. No. But but but,
		
00:30:34 --> 00:30:36
			like, bunion doesn't it can be half sleeve
		
00:30:36 --> 00:30:37
			as well. It doesn't have to be tank
		
00:30:37 --> 00:30:39
			top. Oh, really? It's basically undershirt. It's like
		
00:30:39 --> 00:30:41
			just an undershirt. Undershirt. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.
		
00:30:41 --> 00:30:41
			Yeah. It's
		
00:30:42 --> 00:30:44
			but mostly it is the tank top Okay.
		
00:30:44 --> 00:30:46
			Version. So the guy walks around in his
		
00:30:46 --> 00:30:46
			bunion.
		
00:30:47 --> 00:30:50
			Bunyon? Bunyan. Bunyan. Bunyan with mud. Okay.
		
00:30:50 --> 00:30:51
			He walks
		
00:30:52 --> 00:30:53
			around with Bunyan.
		
00:30:56 --> 00:30:57
			She's not attracted to him and she doesn't
		
00:30:57 --> 00:30:59
			tell him why you know what? She may
		
00:30:59 --> 00:31:00
			not even know why she's not attracted to
		
00:31:00 --> 00:31:01
			him.
		
00:31:01 --> 00:31:03
			Have y'all ran into cases to where,
		
00:31:04 --> 00:31:06
			you know, the woman says, I just am
		
00:31:06 --> 00:31:07
			not attracted to him anymore.
		
00:31:08 --> 00:31:08
			And
		
00:31:09 --> 00:31:10
			through therapy,
		
00:31:11 --> 00:31:13
			you find out it's because of the way
		
00:31:13 --> 00:31:14
			he takes care of himself.
		
00:31:15 --> 00:31:17
			Is that common? Is that something that you
		
00:31:17 --> 00:31:20
			have seen? I think we spoke about this
		
00:31:20 --> 00:31:22
			earlier, like, the idea of attraction. Mhmm. Attraction
		
00:31:22 --> 00:31:24
			is something there's an element of it that
		
00:31:24 --> 00:31:25
			is static.
		
00:31:25 --> 00:31:27
			Meaning I am attracted to a person or
		
00:31:27 --> 00:31:29
			I'm not. Okay. But there's an element of
		
00:31:29 --> 00:31:31
			it that's also dynamic, that needs to be
		
00:31:31 --> 00:31:33
			worked on. Okay. There's a verb aspect to
		
00:31:33 --> 00:31:34
			it. You need to put in the work.
		
00:31:34 --> 00:31:36
			You need to put in the effort. And
		
00:31:36 --> 00:31:38
			even if they're not able to articulate it,
		
00:31:38 --> 00:31:40
			I think both sides, like man and woman,
		
00:31:40 --> 00:31:43
			they need to understand that once you're married,
		
00:31:43 --> 00:31:44
			the work's not done.
		
00:31:44 --> 00:31:46
			You got to start. There's a whole different
		
00:31:46 --> 00:31:48
			level of work that starts to maintain and
		
00:31:48 --> 00:31:52
			grow grow that attraction because attraction can grow
		
00:31:52 --> 00:31:55
			after marriage. Okay. Okay. That's not okay. Attraction
		
00:31:55 --> 00:31:57
			can grow. It's not static. There's an element
		
00:31:57 --> 00:31:58
			of it that is not static. There's an
		
00:31:58 --> 00:32:00
			element of it. Reminds me of telling I
		
00:32:00 --> 00:32:01
			was in the gym, and I saw a
		
00:32:01 --> 00:32:02
			brother. He's like, yeah, I'm about to get
		
00:32:02 --> 00:32:03
			married. I said, so you're in the gym
		
00:32:03 --> 00:32:05
			because you're about to get married? He's like,
		
00:32:05 --> 00:32:07
			yeah. I said, well, it doesn't it doesn't
		
00:32:07 --> 00:32:09
			stop there, bro. You know what I'm saying?
		
00:32:09 --> 00:32:10
			Because you get rich, she's gonna make a
		
00:32:10 --> 00:32:11
			lot of food for you. She likes to
		
00:32:11 --> 00:32:12
			make food. And,
		
00:32:13 --> 00:32:14
			it's gonna you know, that beer belly is
		
00:32:14 --> 00:32:16
			gonna cut that belly that'd be really stuck
		
00:32:16 --> 00:32:18
			for a lot. That basbousa belly or the
		
00:32:18 --> 00:32:19
			baklava belly
		
00:32:20 --> 00:32:22
			is going to protrude or it may come
		
00:32:22 --> 00:32:24
			out in other places that may cause you
		
00:32:24 --> 00:32:27
			to buy bigger sizes of pants or maybe
		
00:32:27 --> 00:32:27
			shirts.
		
00:32:28 --> 00:32:30
			And she may not like that, man. So,
		
00:32:30 --> 00:32:32
			you know, during the marriage,
		
00:32:32 --> 00:32:34
			you you mentioned the attraction. So the man
		
00:32:34 --> 00:32:36
			has to work on himself,
		
00:32:37 --> 00:32:38
			I guess Mhmm. Physically.
		
00:32:39 --> 00:32:41
			Does that lessen the attraction
		
00:32:41 --> 00:32:43
			if he's not keeping himself upkept?
		
00:32:44 --> 00:32:46
			I mean, even outside of the belly. Yeah.
		
00:32:46 --> 00:32:47
			Yeah. I mean, what It's just the way
		
00:32:47 --> 00:32:49
			you dress clean clean it work it works
		
00:32:49 --> 00:32:51
			both ways. Right? Right.
		
00:32:51 --> 00:32:54
			Our parents' generation, I feel like they they
		
00:32:54 --> 00:32:56
			they you've seen uncles. Right?
		
00:32:56 --> 00:32:58
			You're not gonna see most uncles in sweatpants
		
00:32:58 --> 00:33:00
			and a t shirt. Yeah. Right? They they
		
00:33:00 --> 00:33:01
			they do they do it right. You know?
		
00:33:01 --> 00:33:03
			How about how? It's like, yep. You know
		
00:33:03 --> 00:33:04
			what I'm talking about? Even, like, the older
		
00:33:04 --> 00:33:07
			uncles, masha'Allah. It's always a dress shirt, pants.
		
00:33:07 --> 00:33:10
			There's just something dignified. They'll go to Walmart
		
00:33:10 --> 00:33:12
			and wear that. Mhmm. You know? Okay. You're
		
00:33:12 --> 00:33:14
			not gonna see them in, like, you know,
		
00:33:14 --> 00:33:15
			like like like flip flops and this and
		
00:33:15 --> 00:33:17
			that. It's it's it's always, like, so there's
		
00:33:17 --> 00:33:18
			the you know what I'm saying? Right? I
		
00:33:18 --> 00:33:20
			was gonna say, like, my dad.
		
00:33:21 --> 00:33:22
			I was thinking about my dad too. Yeah.
		
00:33:22 --> 00:33:23
			Yeah. Every time he goes out like, he
		
00:33:23 --> 00:33:25
			could be going out to CBS, which is
		
00:33:25 --> 00:33:27
			down the street, to get something for my
		
00:33:27 --> 00:33:29
			mom. I saw that look. He'll put on
		
00:33:29 --> 00:33:31
			a dress shirt, dress pants, look all nice,
		
00:33:31 --> 00:33:33
			cologne, everything, and then go out and then
		
00:33:33 --> 00:33:35
			be back in 5 minutes, and he's done.
		
00:33:35 --> 00:33:36
			What does that signify, though? What what does
		
00:33:36 --> 00:33:38
			that signify? Takes care of him. What are
		
00:33:38 --> 00:33:39
			y'all telling us? He's take care he takes
		
00:33:39 --> 00:33:40
			care of him. He has a he has
		
00:33:40 --> 00:33:41
			a level of,
		
00:33:43 --> 00:33:45
			dignity in him that pushes him to look
		
00:33:45 --> 00:33:48
			a certain way, behave a certain way, especially
		
00:33:48 --> 00:33:50
			in front of his in his wife, my
		
00:33:50 --> 00:33:52
			mom. Right. So he wants her to see
		
00:33:52 --> 00:33:53
			that, okay, even if I'm going out just
		
00:33:53 --> 00:33:55
			to get you something small for 5 minutes
		
00:33:55 --> 00:33:58
			Mhmm. Mhmm. I'm doing it with Ehsan
		
00:33:58 --> 00:34:00
			in the best possible way. So I I've
		
00:34:00 --> 00:34:02
			seen that, and and I love that one.
		
00:34:02 --> 00:34:05
			Yeah. Great. Great. Mhmm. That's something that, like,
		
00:34:05 --> 00:34:07
			our generation, younger generation can take from and
		
00:34:07 --> 00:34:09
			and learn from that and implement that as
		
00:34:09 --> 00:34:11
			well. Right. Right. That's very interesting. Yeah. That's
		
00:34:11 --> 00:34:12
			very interesting. So
		
00:34:12 --> 00:34:14
			being upkept even,
		
00:34:14 --> 00:34:16
			you know, in in the house, you know,
		
00:34:16 --> 00:34:16
			SubhanAllah.
		
00:34:17 --> 00:34:18
			Right.
		
00:34:19 --> 00:34:20
			You know, he loves beauty.
		
00:34:21 --> 00:34:24
			So okay. So during the marriage so keeping
		
00:34:24 --> 00:34:25
			up, staying yourself,
		
00:34:25 --> 00:34:27
			you know, making sure you're looking clean even
		
00:34:27 --> 00:34:29
			when you're in the house, even around your
		
00:34:29 --> 00:34:31
			wife because the attraction is not static. It
		
00:34:31 --> 00:34:34
			it can grow even within the marriage. Right?
		
00:34:34 --> 00:34:35
			What about with the character
		
00:34:36 --> 00:34:37
			of the husband?
		
00:34:37 --> 00:34:39
			What are some things that will make him
		
00:34:39 --> 00:34:42
			more attractive or that can lessen the attraction?
		
00:34:42 --> 00:34:43
			And there's one word I want to use
		
00:34:43 --> 00:34:44
			here, resentment.
		
00:34:45 --> 00:34:46
			What are some of the things that can
		
00:34:46 --> 00:34:48
			cause the wife to resent him
		
00:34:49 --> 00:34:50
			during the marriage
		
00:34:51 --> 00:34:52
			that he wasn't doing from before?
		
00:34:53 --> 00:34:54
			Like when they first got married it was
		
00:34:54 --> 00:34:56
			great, but now that he's married he's been
		
00:34:56 --> 00:34:59
			lackadaisical. We talked about cloneness. We talked about
		
00:34:59 --> 00:35:00
			is he fit. But what about with his
		
00:35:00 --> 00:35:02
			character? What are some things that you have
		
00:35:02 --> 00:35:04
			seen? What would you advise in this regard?
		
00:35:04 --> 00:35:05
			Rigidity.
		
00:35:05 --> 00:35:07
			Rigidity. Okay. Being rough. Yeah.
		
00:35:08 --> 00:35:10
			Being rough and flexible. Right? Mhmm. Lack of
		
00:35:10 --> 00:35:11
			willingness to understand.
		
00:35:12 --> 00:35:13
			You know,
		
00:35:13 --> 00:35:15
			you you you've seen this, like, not not
		
00:35:15 --> 00:35:16
			just in marriage therapy, but, like, you know,
		
00:35:16 --> 00:35:19
			with kids, with teenagers, with your students. Right?
		
00:35:19 --> 00:35:19
			Mhmm.
		
00:35:20 --> 00:35:21
			We all
		
00:35:21 --> 00:35:22
			desire to be understood.
		
00:35:23 --> 00:35:25
			You don't have to agree with me. Just
		
00:35:25 --> 00:35:26
			understand me.
		
00:35:26 --> 00:35:28
			That's across the board. Right?
		
00:35:28 --> 00:35:31
			Very basic principle in relationships in general. In
		
00:35:31 --> 00:35:32
			order to
		
00:35:33 --> 00:35:35
			be understood, in order to receive
		
00:35:35 --> 00:35:36
			excuse me, in order to receive understanding, you
		
00:35:36 --> 00:35:37
			have to give understanding.
		
00:35:38 --> 00:35:40
			Okay. And when the person knows that you're
		
00:35:40 --> 00:35:42
			willing to have that hosnadhan, and like, okay,
		
00:35:42 --> 00:35:44
			I don't fully get it, but I'm willing
		
00:35:44 --> 00:35:46
			to understand why this bothers you. I might
		
00:35:46 --> 00:35:47
			not even agree with you a 100%, but
		
00:35:47 --> 00:35:50
			I'm willing to understand what bothers you about
		
00:35:50 --> 00:35:52
			this. Right? Mhmm. And the more you see
		
00:35:52 --> 00:35:54
			that flexibility in me, the more you're willing
		
00:35:54 --> 00:35:54
			to give it back.
		
00:35:55 --> 00:35:57
			Okay. Okay. You know? Okay. And,
		
00:35:58 --> 00:35:59
			you know, it it goes along with, like,
		
00:35:59 --> 00:36:01
			healthy communication. So this is this is one
		
00:36:01 --> 00:36:02
			thing that I I teach a lot in
		
00:36:02 --> 00:36:04
			premarital counseling, but it comes up quite a
		
00:36:04 --> 00:36:06
			bit in marriage counseling. People fall into 2
		
00:36:07 --> 00:36:09
			general categories when it comes to dealing with
		
00:36:09 --> 00:36:11
			upset feelings. Right?
		
00:36:11 --> 00:36:13
			You're either a
		
00:36:13 --> 00:36:16
			problem solving first person or an understanding first
		
00:36:16 --> 00:36:17
			person. So let me define that real quick.
		
00:36:17 --> 00:36:20
			Okay. So a problem solving first person,
		
00:36:20 --> 00:36:23
			the way their nervous system is wired is
		
00:36:23 --> 00:36:25
			when they are frustrated, when they like, you
		
00:36:25 --> 00:36:27
			lose your job, you get into a fight
		
00:36:27 --> 00:36:28
			with a family member,
		
00:36:28 --> 00:36:30
			you know, you feel a certain way.
		
00:36:30 --> 00:36:32
			What calms me down is solutions.
		
00:36:32 --> 00:36:34
			Right? I don't really need a pat on
		
00:36:34 --> 00:36:35
			the back, but I need to know, okay,
		
00:36:35 --> 00:36:37
			what are the next steps? How do we,
		
00:36:37 --> 00:36:38
			you know, get get out of this? Like,
		
00:36:38 --> 00:36:39
			do I have to go on LinkedIn? Do
		
00:36:39 --> 00:36:40
			I have to do this? Do I have
		
00:36:40 --> 00:36:41
			to do that? Right? Mhmm. What are we
		
00:36:41 --> 00:36:42
			gonna do differently,
		
00:36:43 --> 00:36:44
			moving forward?
		
00:36:44 --> 00:36:45
			Understanding first people,
		
00:36:46 --> 00:36:48
			they're also very rational, reasonable, so on, or
		
00:36:48 --> 00:36:50
			willing to be that way. But they first
		
00:36:50 --> 00:36:52
			need to be understood. They need to be
		
00:36:52 --> 00:36:53
			heard. Right. Should be heard. I'll I'll give
		
00:36:53 --> 00:36:55
			you a very personal example. So I was
		
00:36:55 --> 00:36:56
			a I was a single dad for a
		
00:36:56 --> 00:36:58
			number of years. Right? And so I I
		
00:36:58 --> 00:36:59
			I remember,
		
00:37:00 --> 00:37:00
			like
		
00:37:01 --> 00:37:03
			a desi kid always we always struggle with,
		
00:37:03 --> 00:37:04
			like, food. And, like, for some reason, like,
		
00:37:04 --> 00:37:06
			you know, our our kids are generally, like,
		
00:37:06 --> 00:37:08
			smaller. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And so, like, you
		
00:37:08 --> 00:37:09
			know, my son's giving me all this trouble
		
00:37:09 --> 00:37:11
			about eating and I'm, like, going around, like,
		
00:37:11 --> 00:37:13
			trying to, like, you know, he's underweight, so
		
00:37:13 --> 00:37:14
			on. And so I asked I asked my
		
00:37:14 --> 00:37:16
			best friend. I was like, man what do
		
00:37:16 --> 00:37:17
			you do that I'm not doing? And so
		
00:37:17 --> 00:37:18
			on. I'm just like venting
		
00:37:18 --> 00:37:19
			and,
		
00:37:20 --> 00:37:22
			because I'm very much an understanding first person.
		
00:37:22 --> 00:37:23
			Mhmm. All he said to me
		
00:37:23 --> 00:37:25
			was Usman, your situation is tough.
		
00:37:26 --> 00:37:28
			I started tearing up.
		
00:37:29 --> 00:37:31
			Mhmm. Where's the solution in that? No solution
		
00:37:31 --> 00:37:33
			in that. How many times do our spouses
		
00:37:33 --> 00:37:36
			just need to hear that? Like man that
		
00:37:36 --> 00:37:38
			that was rough. Like okay my mom spoke
		
00:37:38 --> 00:37:38
			to you that way?
		
00:37:39 --> 00:37:40
			Damn it. That shouldn't have happened. You know?
		
00:37:40 --> 00:37:43
			I'm really sorry that happened. Mhmm. I'm not
		
00:37:43 --> 00:37:44
			gonna sit there and explain. No. No. No.
		
00:37:44 --> 00:37:45
			But she meant this and she meant that
		
00:37:45 --> 00:37:47
			and you're just a bad person for misunderstanding
		
00:37:47 --> 00:37:50
			it. Right? Not gonna lose anything by just
		
00:37:50 --> 00:37:50
			saying, like,
		
00:37:51 --> 00:37:52
			I'm sorry that happened.
		
00:37:52 --> 00:37:53
			Mhmm. You know?
		
00:37:54 --> 00:37:56
			Mhmm. That like, that meant that I felt
		
00:37:56 --> 00:37:57
			like a mountain lifted off my shoulders. The
		
00:37:57 --> 00:37:58
			next day I looked up a dietitian.
		
00:37:59 --> 00:37:59
			That I felt so much more in control.
		
00:37:59 --> 00:38:00
			In control? Yeah. Because of that empathy. Exactly.
		
00:38:05 --> 00:38:06
			Wow. Exactly.
		
00:38:07 --> 00:38:09
			Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. I said something lacking a
		
00:38:09 --> 00:38:11
			lot in I mean, I so now now
		
00:38:11 --> 00:38:13
			I'm generalizing. Right? But that that is that
		
00:38:13 --> 00:38:15
			is lacking in brothers sometimes where, you know,
		
00:38:15 --> 00:38:17
			they they they they say, like, well,
		
00:38:17 --> 00:38:19
			you know, all she wants to do is
		
00:38:19 --> 00:38:21
			complain and so on. Right? Okay. Okay. Maybe
		
00:38:21 --> 00:38:23
			she's looking for that understanding. And once she
		
00:38:23 --> 00:38:25
			gets it, like and it's it's
		
00:38:25 --> 00:38:28
			it's not expensive to give. Right? Right. Right.
		
00:38:29 --> 00:38:31
			Things seem to resolve themselves relatively quickly.
		
00:38:32 --> 00:38:34
			So so so so during marriage, wife comes
		
00:38:34 --> 00:38:35
			home. She's complaining.
		
00:38:36 --> 00:38:37
			And I'm I'm not using the words I'm
		
00:38:37 --> 00:38:40
			not using this word complaining to shun sisters,
		
00:38:41 --> 00:38:42
			but she's venting.
		
00:38:42 --> 00:38:45
			Right? About something or someone or something.
		
00:38:45 --> 00:38:47
			Even certain scholars mentioned that
		
00:38:48 --> 00:38:50
			it's not truly considered ghiba, backbiting,
		
00:38:51 --> 00:38:53
			if you are venting to someone that can
		
00:38:53 --> 00:38:54
			help.
		
00:38:54 --> 00:38:56
			So when the wife comes home and talks
		
00:38:56 --> 00:38:57
			about what happened at work with a couple
		
00:38:57 --> 00:38:58
			of sisters,
		
00:38:59 --> 00:39:00
			you're saying in this particular situation, if he's
		
00:39:00 --> 00:39:02
			an understanding first person or to be an
		
00:39:02 --> 00:39:05
			understanding first person is just to sit and
		
00:39:05 --> 00:39:05
			to listen
		
00:39:06 --> 00:39:07
			and to maybe say I understand.
		
00:39:08 --> 00:39:10
			No. No. No. Like to try and understand.
		
00:39:10 --> 00:39:12
			Right? Right. To try and, you know,
		
00:39:13 --> 00:39:14
			I don't have to fully agree with you,
		
00:39:14 --> 00:39:15
			but I'm acknowledging your
		
00:39:16 --> 00:39:18
			the, like, your abilities. Like, you're you're not
		
00:39:18 --> 00:39:20
			crazy. There are others normalcy and rational human
		
00:39:20 --> 00:39:21
			beings who would be just as upset as
		
00:39:21 --> 00:39:23
			you. I might not be one of them.
		
00:39:23 --> 00:39:24
			Mhmm. But there are other people who are
		
00:39:24 --> 00:39:25
			there, so you're not crazy for the way
		
00:39:25 --> 00:39:27
			you're feeling. Right. So to I mean, things
		
00:39:27 --> 00:39:28
			to say because some guys wouldn't know what
		
00:39:28 --> 00:39:30
			to say. They they probably wanna they probably
		
00:39:30 --> 00:39:31
			try to work like, I wanna say this,
		
00:39:31 --> 00:39:33
			but I know she doesn't want a solution.
		
00:39:34 --> 00:39:36
			Right. So they should say is, like Yeah.
		
00:39:36 --> 00:39:37
			I get it. I understand. Oh, wow. Well,
		
00:39:37 --> 00:39:39
			yeah. Maybe not I get it. I understand
		
00:39:39 --> 00:39:40
			because that's you don't know
		
00:39:40 --> 00:39:41
			where that's going. Where's it going? Where's it
		
00:39:41 --> 00:39:41
			going? I was gonna I was gonna say,
		
00:39:41 --> 00:39:42
			like, tact.
		
00:39:47 --> 00:39:48
			What what what does he say? You know,
		
00:39:48 --> 00:39:49
			because a lot of guys they wanna solve
		
00:39:49 --> 00:39:51
			the problem. Right? And, you know, sometimes it's
		
00:39:51 --> 00:39:53
			happened like, I don't want you to solve
		
00:39:53 --> 00:39:54
			my problem. Just want you to listen.
		
00:39:55 --> 00:39:56
			I'm just gonna be quiet. Didn't you come
		
00:39:56 --> 00:39:58
			to give us some advice? I'm your husband.
		
00:39:58 --> 00:39:59
			I'm I'm supposed to solve. I'm the best
		
00:39:59 --> 00:40:01
			person. Leader listening, like, thinking that my marriage
		
00:40:01 --> 00:40:02
			is hard. I don't know what to do
		
00:40:02 --> 00:40:04
			this anymore. It does take effort. It does
		
00:40:04 --> 00:40:06
			take effort, but, like, man, when once you
		
00:40:06 --> 00:40:08
			got it down, man, there's nothing more beautiful
		
00:40:08 --> 00:40:09
			in the world than that. So it takes
		
00:40:09 --> 00:40:10
			effort to be quiet.
		
00:40:11 --> 00:40:12
			Right? It takes the effort to, like, hold
		
00:40:12 --> 00:40:14
			down your ego, but Hold down your ego.
		
00:40:14 --> 00:40:15
			The
		
00:40:15 --> 00:40:18
			understanding person person first, like,
		
00:40:19 --> 00:40:21
			I I can see it as they're the
		
00:40:21 --> 00:40:23
			one who's in the situation, in the problem,
		
00:40:24 --> 00:40:26
			in the difficulty, and they're venting. Or they
		
00:40:26 --> 00:40:28
			need some company in the dark place that
		
00:40:28 --> 00:40:30
			they're in. Mhmm. That's what it is. They
		
00:40:30 --> 00:40:32
			want some company in that area that they're
		
00:40:32 --> 00:40:33
			in, that difficulty.
		
00:40:33 --> 00:40:35
			And they want someone to understand that, okay,
		
00:40:35 --> 00:40:36
			I'm in this area. I'm in this place.
		
00:40:36 --> 00:40:37
			And just
		
00:40:38 --> 00:40:38
			understand,
		
00:40:39 --> 00:40:41
			understand that I'm not alone in this.
		
00:40:42 --> 00:40:43
			And if someone just comes in and says
		
00:40:43 --> 00:40:45
			exactly that, like I get it. This is
		
00:40:45 --> 00:40:46
			tough.
		
00:40:47 --> 00:40:48
			You have the company in that place.
		
00:40:49 --> 00:40:51
			And you you feel like you're not alone.
		
00:40:52 --> 00:40:53
			Mhmm. And I think understanding
		
00:40:54 --> 00:40:56
			for as a as a vast generalization,
		
00:40:56 --> 00:40:59
			generally it's women that are more understanding first.
		
00:40:59 --> 00:41:00
			Very generally speaking.
		
00:41:01 --> 00:41:03
			And if a if a husband can come
		
00:41:03 --> 00:41:04
			in and just
		
00:41:05 --> 00:41:08
			try to put himself to where she is
		
00:41:08 --> 00:41:10
			and understand how she is feeling
		
00:41:11 --> 00:41:12
			and verbalize that back,
		
00:41:13 --> 00:41:14
			a lot of times that's enough.
		
00:41:15 --> 00:41:17
			Mhmm. What do you think about that? Yeah.
		
00:41:17 --> 00:41:19
			No. No. Absolutely. A 100%. It's it's it's
		
00:41:20 --> 00:41:22
			and and people who pride themselves on logic.
		
00:41:22 --> 00:41:25
			Right? If that is the thing that's gonna
		
00:41:25 --> 00:41:27
			get the results fastest, then do that. Yeah.
		
00:41:27 --> 00:41:29
			You know? That's the more logical thing. So
		
00:41:29 --> 00:41:30
			you can still be as manly so I
		
00:41:30 --> 00:41:31
			don't mean to say that, but Yeah. No.
		
00:41:31 --> 00:41:33
			No. No. Seriously. It's like, if you're if
		
00:41:33 --> 00:41:35
			you're a logical person, then, you know, learn
		
00:41:35 --> 00:41:37
			to speak her language. That's the more logical
		
00:41:37 --> 00:41:39
			thing instead of just pushing back and trying
		
00:41:39 --> 00:41:41
			to bend that rib. Right? Like Mhmm.
		
00:41:42 --> 00:41:44
			Yeah. Beautiful. I was gonna say I used
		
00:41:44 --> 00:41:45
			to know. I have to mention the hadith,
		
00:41:45 --> 00:41:47
			the prophet of Islam. That's cool. It's a
		
00:41:47 --> 00:41:49
			beautiful hadith that you mentioned. You know, the
		
00:41:49 --> 00:41:50
			prophet of Islam, you said,
		
00:41:54 --> 00:41:56
			Adam, that the woman was created from the
		
00:41:56 --> 00:41:57
			rib of Adam. And then he said something
		
00:41:57 --> 00:41:59
			so beautiful. He said, if you were to
		
00:41:59 --> 00:42:00
			strike try to straighten
		
00:42:01 --> 00:42:03
			it out, you would break it. Mhmm. You
		
00:42:03 --> 00:42:04
			You would break her. So don't try to
		
00:42:04 --> 00:42:06
			straighten her out and change who she is
		
00:42:07 --> 00:42:08
			because you would rarely break her just like
		
00:42:08 --> 00:42:09
			you tried to straighten out a rib. It's
		
00:42:09 --> 00:42:10
			not it's impossible.
		
00:42:11 --> 00:42:12
			You can't do that. So with the 5th
		
00:42:12 --> 00:42:14
			run, the way that she is, you know,
		
00:42:14 --> 00:42:16
			don't try to make her solve the problems
		
00:42:16 --> 00:42:17
			your way as you mentioned.
		
00:42:18 --> 00:42:20
			Is that a process to learn? Because the
		
00:42:20 --> 00:42:22
			other first person, is there a role? Does
		
00:42:22 --> 00:42:24
			that have validity in a relationship as well?
		
00:42:24 --> 00:42:26
			You said there's Right. So so this is
		
00:42:26 --> 00:42:27
			this is based on, a theory that actually
		
00:42:27 --> 00:42:27
			might one of my professors back in grad
		
00:42:27 --> 00:42:27
			school came up with this called pragmatic experiential
		
00:42:27 --> 00:42:28
			therapy for couples.
		
00:42:35 --> 00:42:36
			I like it because it's one of those
		
00:42:36 --> 00:42:38
			it's like like cognitive behavioral therapy. It's easy
		
00:42:38 --> 00:42:40
			to teach. It's easy to to learn.
		
00:42:41 --> 00:42:43
			It it's it's very evidence based. So it's
		
00:42:43 --> 00:42:45
			backed by like finding xenonoscience and so on.
		
00:42:45 --> 00:42:45
			Right?
		
00:42:46 --> 00:42:49
			But the idea is that the overwhelming majority
		
00:42:49 --> 00:42:51
			of, arguments. And I'm not talking about major
		
00:42:51 --> 00:42:53
			things like infidelity and abuse and, you know,
		
00:42:53 --> 00:42:55
			all of this, but the over of the
		
00:42:55 --> 00:42:57
			overwhelming majority of arguments
		
00:42:58 --> 00:43:01
			are because of a incongruence between,
		
00:43:01 --> 00:43:03
			what he calls core differences.
		
00:43:03 --> 00:43:05
			Right? Mhmm. I like to be shown affection
		
00:43:05 --> 00:43:07
			one way. She likes to be shown affection
		
00:43:07 --> 00:43:09
			another way. I like to blood on my
		
00:43:09 --> 00:43:10
			frustrations one way, she likes to be, you
		
00:43:10 --> 00:43:12
			know. And so, when these two things collide,
		
00:43:13 --> 00:43:15
			that's when you have arguments. An extreme extrovert
		
00:43:15 --> 00:43:16
			and extreme introvert.
		
00:43:17 --> 00:43:19
			Like, you know, the differences exacerbate themselves.
		
00:43:19 --> 00:43:22
			Mhmm. Absolutely. So so so it's it's
		
00:43:23 --> 00:43:24
			like Is there Is it better to be
		
00:43:24 --> 00:43:26
			understanding first or problem solving first? Right. No.
		
00:43:27 --> 00:43:28
			Both are it's as arbitrary as chocolate versus
		
00:43:28 --> 00:43:30
			vanilla ice cream. Right? They're Okay. They're both
		
00:43:30 --> 00:43:33
			good. So it's best to observe your spouse
		
00:43:33 --> 00:43:35
			throughout the relationship and see? I I I
		
00:43:35 --> 00:43:37
			think so it's a tool actually I do
		
00:43:37 --> 00:43:38
			a lot in pre premarital classes. I actually
		
00:43:38 --> 00:43:39
			have couples, like, go through this and kind
		
00:43:39 --> 00:43:40
			of understand that. And we're like, oh, wow.
		
00:43:40 --> 00:43:42
			I never really, you know, categorized myself in
		
00:43:42 --> 00:43:43
			that way, but you know what? In general,
		
00:43:43 --> 00:43:45
			like, I I do lean more towards this
		
00:43:45 --> 00:43:46
			and that. Right. And so now you know
		
00:43:46 --> 00:43:48
			how the other person is. You've asked some
		
00:43:48 --> 00:43:50
			very meaningful questions. Right? And and you don't
		
00:43:50 --> 00:43:51
			have to, you know, only do it in
		
00:43:51 --> 00:43:52
			premarital counseling. Like, even while you're married. Even
		
00:43:52 --> 00:43:54
			if you've been married 20 years. Mhmm. Right?
		
00:43:54 --> 00:43:56
			I think, you know, somebody could still learn
		
00:43:56 --> 00:43:58
			this about this. What's called core differences. Okay.
		
00:43:58 --> 00:44:00
			You learn about your spouse in that way.
		
00:44:00 --> 00:44:01
			You know,
		
00:44:01 --> 00:44:03
			are are are they future oriented versus, like,
		
00:44:03 --> 00:44:05
			you know, in the moment and so on.
		
00:44:05 --> 00:44:06
			And then
		
00:44:06 --> 00:44:08
			their actions make a little bit more sense.
		
00:44:08 --> 00:44:09
			Right. And we know
		
00:44:10 --> 00:44:10
			Yeah.
		
00:44:11 --> 00:44:13
			What's your take on the 5 love languages?
		
00:44:13 --> 00:44:15
			Okay. I did a workshop with Sheikh Yasser
		
00:44:15 --> 00:44:16
			on this. 5 love languages is a book.
		
00:44:16 --> 00:44:18
			It's a well known book translated in many
		
00:44:18 --> 00:44:20
			languages. So I think it has some type
		
00:44:20 --> 00:44:21
			of some kind of relevance to what he's
		
00:44:21 --> 00:44:23
			talking about now. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Doctor Gary
		
00:44:23 --> 00:44:25
			Chapman. Yeah. Right? So,
		
00:44:27 --> 00:44:28
			what what is it? I don't know if
		
00:44:28 --> 00:44:29
			he's like a hardcore baptist or something, but
		
00:44:29 --> 00:44:31
			like he he he marketed
		
00:44:31 --> 00:44:33
			that a lot. Oh, yeah. A lot. I
		
00:44:33 --> 00:44:35
			think it's a very simplified concept that he
		
00:44:35 --> 00:44:37
			did a great job marketing. It's not limited
		
00:44:37 --> 00:44:39
			to 5 love languages. You know, that's that's
		
00:44:39 --> 00:44:42
			that's one thing. Because sometimes people will look
		
00:44:42 --> 00:44:44
			at that and there's research on this. Like,
		
00:44:44 --> 00:44:45
			people will look at the 5 languages and
		
00:44:45 --> 00:44:46
			say, like, oh, but I actually like to
		
00:44:46 --> 00:44:48
			be loved in this way and this way.
		
00:44:48 --> 00:44:49
			Going back to the idea, like, especially
		
00:44:50 --> 00:44:51
			the South Asian guys. Right? I like to
		
00:44:51 --> 00:44:53
			be loved by I I love my family
		
00:44:54 --> 00:44:55
			and what is a love language to me
		
00:44:55 --> 00:44:57
			is my wife showing respect to my family.
		
00:44:57 --> 00:44:58
			That's not one of the 5 love languages
		
00:44:58 --> 00:45:00
			Mhmm. But it's important to me. Right? So,
		
00:45:00 --> 00:45:03
			research has found there's there's several other,
		
00:45:04 --> 00:45:07
			love languages out there. Mhmm. Right? Okay. So
		
00:45:07 --> 00:45:08
			so so that's one thing. It's a good
		
00:45:08 --> 00:45:10
			start. Right? It's it's it's the idea of
		
00:45:10 --> 00:45:10
			just,
		
00:45:11 --> 00:45:13
			I I think it falls back into communication.
		
00:45:13 --> 00:45:14
			It's like really getting to know what makes
		
00:45:14 --> 00:45:16
			your partner smile. What what what brings them
		
00:45:16 --> 00:45:18
			comfort and you know, them doing the same
		
00:45:18 --> 00:45:20
			for you. So you've been asking the question.
		
00:45:20 --> 00:45:21
			What makes you this? What makes you that?
		
00:45:21 --> 00:45:23
			Did you like this? Did you like that?
		
00:45:23 --> 00:45:24
			In times of reason, not in times of
		
00:45:25 --> 00:45:26
			Oh. Of hardship. Okay. And it can change,
		
00:45:26 --> 00:45:28
			by the way. Sometimes sometimes guys get frustrated.
		
00:45:28 --> 00:45:30
			Like, oh, but she said, like, she likes
		
00:45:30 --> 00:45:31
			gifts and now she doesn't like, okay. It's
		
00:45:31 --> 00:45:33
			fine. People grow. People change, you know. When
		
00:45:33 --> 00:45:34
			looking at,
		
00:45:34 --> 00:45:35
			you know,
		
00:45:35 --> 00:45:38
			you talk about observing the family, asking
		
00:45:39 --> 00:45:42
			knowing yourself and understanding your flaws. And, again,
		
00:45:42 --> 00:45:43
			it takes it really takes a guy to
		
00:45:43 --> 00:45:44
			be humble
		
00:45:45 --> 00:45:45
			because,
		
00:45:46 --> 00:45:46
			you know,
		
00:45:47 --> 00:45:48
			him being vulnerable
		
00:45:49 --> 00:45:51
			by acknowledging that he doesn't know something, just
		
00:45:51 --> 00:45:52
			like you said the ego,
		
00:45:53 --> 00:45:55
			that could play a huge role because sometimes
		
00:45:55 --> 00:45:56
			they okay. If she sees that I don't
		
00:45:56 --> 00:45:58
			know this, she may it may not be
		
00:45:58 --> 00:45:59
			attractive or I may not be looked at
		
00:45:59 --> 00:46:01
			as the man of
		
00:46:01 --> 00:46:03
			of of of of the house or whatever
		
00:46:03 --> 00:46:06
			the case may be. Seeing men
		
00:46:07 --> 00:46:08
			come to your office,
		
00:46:09 --> 00:46:09
			okay,
		
00:46:10 --> 00:46:11
			and
		
00:46:12 --> 00:46:12
			they
		
00:46:13 --> 00:46:16
			had a lot of stress built up, maybe
		
00:46:16 --> 00:46:17
			have been suicidal.
		
00:46:18 --> 00:46:18
			Okay?
		
00:46:19 --> 00:46:21
			And you were the first person
		
00:46:22 --> 00:46:23
			that they talked to,
		
00:46:25 --> 00:46:27
			and they had to gather up a lot
		
00:46:27 --> 00:46:30
			of I'll use the word humility Yeah. To
		
00:46:30 --> 00:46:32
			come to. It took a number of years.
		
00:46:33 --> 00:46:35
			Right? For them to do that. Point that
		
00:46:35 --> 00:46:36
			I'm really getting to is
		
00:46:38 --> 00:46:39
			I'll I'll start with this this story. I
		
00:46:39 --> 00:46:41
			received a text from a brother,
		
00:46:42 --> 00:46:43
			and and this is this is not a
		
00:46:43 --> 00:46:44
			brother. This is brothers.
		
00:46:47 --> 00:46:49
			And when I read this text,
		
00:46:50 --> 00:46:52
			it was a sign of him reaching out.
		
00:46:53 --> 00:46:55
			And me reading the text in the way
		
00:46:55 --> 00:46:57
			that he wrote it was like, wow. That
		
00:46:57 --> 00:46:59
			means this brother reached out. This brother reached
		
00:46:59 --> 00:47:01
			out. This so I called one of the
		
00:47:01 --> 00:47:01
			previous brothers.
		
00:47:02 --> 00:47:03
			I was like, man, will you he said,
		
00:47:03 --> 00:47:05
			yeah, man. I was really going through it.
		
00:47:05 --> 00:47:07
			I was really going through it.
		
00:47:07 --> 00:47:09
			So I wanna talk to you 2 brothers
		
00:47:09 --> 00:47:11
			about particularly 2 aspects of reaching out with
		
00:47:11 --> 00:47:12
			with men. Okay?
		
00:47:12 --> 00:47:13
			The first one
		
00:47:14 --> 00:47:15
			is the brother that
		
00:47:16 --> 00:47:18
			found it within himself to send a text,
		
00:47:18 --> 00:47:19
			and it was vague.
		
00:47:19 --> 00:47:21
			Like, sound like a brother. What are you
		
00:47:21 --> 00:47:23
			doing? How's everything going? Just haven't talked to
		
00:47:23 --> 00:47:24
			you in a while.
		
00:47:26 --> 00:47:28
			Just over here by myself.
		
00:47:30 --> 00:47:30
			Send.
		
00:47:32 --> 00:47:34
			It's a message of, like, I need some
		
00:47:34 --> 00:47:36
			companionship. I I really wanna talk. I'm going
		
00:47:36 --> 00:47:39
			through * right now. Yeah. I just got
		
00:47:39 --> 00:47:41
			a divorce. I'm on the verge of getting
		
00:47:41 --> 00:47:41
			a divorce.
		
00:47:42 --> 00:47:43
			Right? That's we're gonna get to the 2nd
		
00:47:43 --> 00:47:44
			brother. But the first brother is a brother
		
00:47:44 --> 00:47:45
			that reaches out.
		
00:47:47 --> 00:47:49
			What would you say to this brother
		
00:47:49 --> 00:47:51
			that has reached out
		
00:47:52 --> 00:47:54
			and he did not get a response?
		
00:47:55 --> 00:47:56
			Okay?
		
00:47:56 --> 00:47:58
			The brother that reaches out and did not
		
00:47:58 --> 00:48:00
			get a response, what would you tell them?
		
00:48:00 --> 00:48:02
			Because when he doesn't get that response,
		
00:48:02 --> 00:48:04
			shaytan can play with him like, look, I
		
00:48:04 --> 00:48:06
			tried a class. Just go back and just
		
00:48:06 --> 00:48:08
			deal with it. And some of them, they'll
		
00:48:08 --> 00:48:09
			go to drinking, go to drugs. Not all
		
00:48:09 --> 00:48:11
			of them. They'll go they'll go to someone
		
00:48:11 --> 00:48:13
			or something to fill that pain and that
		
00:48:13 --> 00:48:16
			void. Right? Right. What would you tell that
		
00:48:16 --> 00:48:16
			brother?
		
00:48:16 --> 00:48:19
			You know, SubhanAllah, I think there's an element
		
00:48:19 --> 00:48:19
			of
		
00:48:20 --> 00:48:21
			strength
		
00:48:21 --> 00:48:23
			that is taken in order to be able
		
00:48:23 --> 00:48:26
			to reach out. Mhmm. But strength
		
00:48:27 --> 00:48:28
			shows its,
		
00:48:29 --> 00:48:31
			shows actually how strong it is when it's
		
00:48:31 --> 00:48:33
			challenged. And if you reach out to someone
		
00:48:33 --> 00:48:35
			and they don't respond back, it's a challenge
		
00:48:35 --> 00:48:36
			to that strength.
		
00:48:36 --> 00:48:38
			That it took to reach out. That it
		
00:48:38 --> 00:48:39
			took to actually put yourself out there and
		
00:48:39 --> 00:48:40
			be vulnerable.
		
00:48:41 --> 00:48:44
			So because someone didn't respond, that doesn't mean
		
00:48:44 --> 00:48:45
			that you
		
00:48:46 --> 00:48:46
			just falter
		
00:48:47 --> 00:48:48
			and break down and that's it. You don't
		
00:48:48 --> 00:48:50
			go back and and reach out again.
		
00:48:50 --> 00:48:52
			I think you have to find someone else.
		
00:48:53 --> 00:48:54
			And I know that's tough and I know
		
00:48:54 --> 00:48:56
			and and first off, I think like there's
		
00:48:56 --> 00:48:58
			an element of Masha'Allah,
		
00:48:58 --> 00:49:00
			reward the brother for reaching out. Because it's
		
00:49:00 --> 00:49:02
			not easy to do Exactly. It's not easy
		
00:49:02 --> 00:49:04
			to do that. It's true. But it's gonna
		
00:49:04 --> 00:49:05
			happen. You may have to reach out to
		
00:49:05 --> 00:49:08
			another person another person until you get a
		
00:49:08 --> 00:49:08
			response.
		
00:49:09 --> 00:49:11
			And I know that puts the onus on
		
00:49:11 --> 00:49:11
			the brother,
		
00:49:12 --> 00:49:14
			but that strength of reaching out will be
		
00:49:14 --> 00:49:15
			challenged.
		
00:49:15 --> 00:49:17
			And that challenge may come in the aspect
		
00:49:17 --> 00:49:19
			of not receiving response from the first person
		
00:49:19 --> 00:49:21
			or the second person. But I also think
		
00:49:21 --> 00:49:23
			there's an element of of, like Allah says
		
00:49:23 --> 00:49:26
			that there's no burden that a person, that
		
00:49:26 --> 00:49:27
			Allah doesn't burden us all with more than
		
00:49:27 --> 00:49:30
			he can bear. Mhmm. So, the process of
		
00:49:30 --> 00:49:31
			reaching out
		
00:49:31 --> 00:49:34
			is a burden, is difficult, but it is
		
00:49:34 --> 00:49:36
			also something that you can bear as well.
		
00:49:36 --> 00:49:37
			Right. Right.
		
00:49:38 --> 00:49:40
			Man, now you're gonna get me emotional because
		
00:49:40 --> 00:49:42
			it's been a tough week. I mean,
		
00:49:43 --> 00:49:45
			we need to do a better job as
		
00:49:45 --> 00:49:45
			men.
		
00:49:46 --> 00:49:49
			Reaching out to each other. Loving each other.
		
00:49:49 --> 00:49:50
			Checking up on each other.
		
00:49:50 --> 00:49:52
			You know, like Wow.
		
00:49:53 --> 00:49:55
			2 people very close to me are going
		
00:49:55 --> 00:49:56
			through a difficult time right now, and
		
00:49:57 --> 00:49:57
			I
		
00:50:00 --> 00:50:02
			I just I I'm I'm I I feel
		
00:50:02 --> 00:50:04
			bad that, like, why didn't I check up
		
00:50:04 --> 00:50:06
			enough? Like, what and we and we're subtle.
		
00:50:06 --> 00:50:07
			We're subtle in the signs that we're going
		
00:50:07 --> 00:50:09
			through pain. Right? That's so subtle. We need
		
00:50:09 --> 00:50:11
			to step up as brothers. Right? My wife
		
00:50:11 --> 00:50:13
			my wife told me this. She's like, honestly,
		
00:50:13 --> 00:50:16
			I feel like men don't know men. Mhmm.
		
00:50:16 --> 00:50:17
			Like I know. Yeah.
		
00:50:17 --> 00:50:18
			I will
		
00:50:19 --> 00:50:21
			I'll know how about you bench before I
		
00:50:21 --> 00:50:23
			know your pain points and what you're going
		
00:50:23 --> 00:50:24
			through and that difficulty. How much you bench?
		
00:50:24 --> 00:50:25
			I'm just
		
00:50:26 --> 00:50:27
			Or the reason why I have Vince. Right?
		
00:50:27 --> 00:50:29
			The reason why I Yeah. So just to
		
00:50:29 --> 00:50:30
			just to let that frustration out. When I
		
00:50:30 --> 00:50:33
			got my divorce, Sheikh Yasir told me 2
		
00:50:33 --> 00:50:35
			things. Right? And may Allah bless him. Right?
		
00:50:35 --> 00:50:35
			He said,
		
00:50:38 --> 00:50:39
			he said,
		
00:50:39 --> 00:50:40
			stay with the community.
		
00:50:42 --> 00:50:44
			Keep no matter what, right, stay with the
		
00:50:44 --> 00:50:44
			community
		
00:50:45 --> 00:50:47
			and hit the gym.
		
00:50:47 --> 00:50:48
			Essentially, do you even lift?
		
00:50:51 --> 00:50:53
			I, we'll talk about this maybe in the
		
00:50:53 --> 00:50:54
			divorce episode, but there were times you were
		
00:50:54 --> 00:50:56
			talking about strength and pushing through. Between
		
00:50:57 --> 00:50:59
			reps, man, I was tearing up. Oh, yeah.
		
00:50:59 --> 00:51:00
			Oh, yeah. And I was just, like, hiding
		
00:51:00 --> 00:51:03
			my tears. Oh, yeah. And then I go
		
00:51:03 --> 00:51:04
			on to the next rep. I had to
		
00:51:04 --> 00:51:07
			push through that. Aloha. Right? I love it.
		
00:51:07 --> 00:51:09
			Some of my best friends don't know this.
		
00:51:09 --> 00:51:11
			I'm a therapist. I'm encouraging, you know, my
		
00:51:11 --> 00:51:14
			wife knows this. Right? Other family members might
		
00:51:14 --> 00:51:16
			know this. My brother knows this.
		
00:51:17 --> 00:51:18
			My best friends don't know. Why is that?
		
00:51:18 --> 00:51:20
			It's a problem. Why don't we share with
		
00:51:20 --> 00:51:22
			each other, man? It's a problem. We're we're
		
00:51:22 --> 00:51:22
			we're struggling.
		
00:51:23 --> 00:51:24
			It's a problem. We're in pain.
		
00:51:25 --> 00:51:27
			Yeah. And and and, you know, you deprive
		
00:51:28 --> 00:51:30
			yes. There's there's a strength in reaching out,
		
00:51:30 --> 00:51:32
			but you're also, subhanAllah, like, when you don't,
		
00:51:32 --> 00:51:34
			you're also depriving the other person of Ashir.
		
00:51:34 --> 00:51:36
			Allahu hala. Right? Yeah.
		
00:51:36 --> 00:51:39
			Reaching out doesn't necessarily mean checking up on
		
00:51:39 --> 00:51:41
			them and talking to them specifically about whatever
		
00:51:41 --> 00:51:43
			it is that they're doing. Yeah. Yeah. It
		
00:51:43 --> 00:51:45
			could be just like this. You get together.
		
00:51:45 --> 00:51:47
			You have some laughs. You talk. Enjoy some
		
00:51:47 --> 00:51:50
			food. And you'll be surprised at how many
		
00:51:50 --> 00:51:52
			times, like, guys just getting together
		
00:51:53 --> 00:51:56
			for something as simple as playing games, some
		
00:51:56 --> 00:51:58
			kind of game competitive nature, even just lifting
		
00:51:58 --> 00:52:00
			together. Yeah. And then it comes out. Yeah,
		
00:52:00 --> 00:52:03
			man. And then the the pain points start
		
00:52:03 --> 00:52:06
			coming out. But it's it's just creating that
		
00:52:06 --> 00:52:07
			opportunity for
		
00:52:07 --> 00:52:09
			that to come out, whether it's Yeah. Eating
		
00:52:09 --> 00:52:11
			together, whether it's Yeah. Working out together, gaming
		
00:52:11 --> 00:52:13
			together Yeah. In terms of,
		
00:52:13 --> 00:52:15
			competitive games or something like that, or even
		
00:52:15 --> 00:52:17
			just sitting together and talking like this. Yeah.
		
00:52:17 --> 00:52:19
			It allows for that opportunity
		
00:52:19 --> 00:52:21
			for those pain points to come out. If
		
00:52:21 --> 00:52:23
			I text either of you guys ever that,
		
00:52:23 --> 00:52:25
			hey, if you're free, let's toss a football
		
00:52:25 --> 00:52:27
			around. That means
		
00:52:27 --> 00:52:29
			it's it's up to here, and I need
		
00:52:29 --> 00:52:30
			to let it I keep a football in
		
00:52:30 --> 00:52:33
			the car. Yes. SubhanAllah. And, we don't even
		
00:52:33 --> 00:52:35
			have to talk. I just need to launch
		
00:52:35 --> 00:52:36
			that thing. I need to
		
00:52:36 --> 00:52:37
			throw up a ball back and forth for
		
00:52:37 --> 00:52:38
			a bit.
		
00:52:38 --> 00:52:40
			And yeah. Yeah. And that that's that's what
		
00:52:40 --> 00:52:41
			I was gonna get to the next I
		
00:52:41 --> 00:52:42
			kinda touched on it already, but,
		
00:52:43 --> 00:52:45
			the person that receives the text,
		
00:52:46 --> 00:52:48
			like just you meant you mentioned. Let's just
		
00:52:48 --> 00:52:49
			get if
		
00:52:50 --> 00:52:52
			you I don't want to ask what kind
		
00:52:52 --> 00:52:54
			of texts are there. Mhmm. But
		
00:52:55 --> 00:52:57
			what what could be
		
00:52:57 --> 00:52:59
			and and you may not have an answer
		
00:52:59 --> 00:53:01
			for this. You know? What could be a
		
00:53:01 --> 00:53:02
			sign from the receiver
		
00:53:03 --> 00:53:05
			that he can see, okay. Oh, okay. This
		
00:53:05 --> 00:53:07
			brother's kinda reaching out. The fact that a
		
00:53:07 --> 00:53:08
			text came
		
00:53:08 --> 00:53:11
			is enough. Yeah. Like, how you okay. Yeah.
		
00:53:11 --> 00:53:12
			The fact that a text came is enough,
		
00:53:13 --> 00:53:15
			Especially if it's brothers that you haven't heard
		
00:53:15 --> 00:53:16
			from in a while. Oh, that's right. And
		
00:53:16 --> 00:53:18
			they reach out to you. It doesn't matter
		
00:53:18 --> 00:53:19
			what's being said. The fact that they sent
		
00:53:19 --> 00:53:21
			you a text message is enough.
		
00:53:22 --> 00:53:24
			Mhmm. It's fine. And that's on you to
		
00:53:24 --> 00:53:26
			to maybe explore a little bit more. Pick
		
00:53:26 --> 00:53:28
			up the phone and call them. Has it
		
00:53:28 --> 00:53:30
			been? See how they're Exactly. And that's, I
		
00:53:30 --> 00:53:32
			think, just the out the behavior. The behavior
		
00:53:32 --> 00:53:34
			has shifted. Mhmm. Mhmm. And that's one thing
		
00:53:34 --> 00:53:36
			that we look for in in the office.
		
00:53:36 --> 00:53:38
			If behavior is shifting, and if a brother
		
00:53:38 --> 00:53:40
			that hasn't texted you in a while is
		
00:53:40 --> 00:53:42
			reaching out to you, that's enough of a
		
00:53:42 --> 00:53:44
			of a sign Right. To pick up the
		
00:53:44 --> 00:53:45
			phone and check on. There there was there
		
00:53:45 --> 00:53:46
			was a
		
00:53:47 --> 00:53:48
			a situation where,
		
00:53:49 --> 00:53:51
			a client had reached out to, their therapist,
		
00:53:52 --> 00:53:55
			and it was just a very vague email
		
00:53:55 --> 00:53:55
			at,
		
00:53:57 --> 00:53:59
			like, an odd time. The therapist happened
		
00:54:00 --> 00:54:02
			to be, and I've heard the story personally,
		
00:54:02 --> 00:54:03
			like, happened to
		
00:54:03 --> 00:54:05
			just be looking at their email, and they
		
00:54:05 --> 00:54:07
			were able to just read, okay, something is
		
00:54:07 --> 00:54:07
			off.
		
00:54:08 --> 00:54:09
			Immediately called the client.
		
00:54:10 --> 00:54:12
			Client was very, just kind of incoherent.
		
00:54:12 --> 00:54:13
			Called 911.
		
00:54:14 --> 00:54:16
			Police were able to break through the door.
		
00:54:16 --> 00:54:17
			She had overdosed.
		
00:54:18 --> 00:54:19
			Had he not checked that email?
		
00:54:24 --> 00:54:26
			But like like like you said, just just
		
00:54:26 --> 00:54:28
			a text. You know? And it doesn't it
		
00:54:28 --> 00:54:29
			doesn't have to be as deep as suicide,
		
00:54:29 --> 00:54:31
			but it's just just the idea. And we
		
00:54:31 --> 00:54:33
			don't even honestly dude, we don't have to
		
00:54:33 --> 00:54:35
			wait for things to build up. Yeah. Right?
		
00:54:36 --> 00:54:38
			Sheikh Yasser was talking about this and
		
00:54:39 --> 00:54:41
			like, we need to revive
		
00:54:42 --> 00:54:44
			this this idea, the sunnah of basically,
		
00:54:45 --> 00:54:48
			I'm driving past your house and I'm like,
		
00:54:48 --> 00:54:50
			yo. Let's just, you know, let's chop it
		
00:54:50 --> 00:54:51
			up a little bit. Let's have some tea.
		
00:54:51 --> 00:54:54
			Something. Make it super simple. Yep. Right? I
		
00:54:54 --> 00:54:56
			I I'm I'm more and more interested now
		
00:54:56 --> 00:54:59
			in the idea of community and the importance
		
00:54:59 --> 00:55:02
			of community and suhba, especially brotherhood. Mhmm. As
		
00:55:02 --> 00:55:06
			a preventative factor in mental health issues. Oh,
		
00:55:06 --> 00:55:08
			wow. And I'm seeing it more and more.
		
00:55:08 --> 00:55:09
			And I know this is your thing, dude.
		
00:55:09 --> 00:55:10
			Like, I yeah. Yeah. And it's growing. The
		
00:55:10 --> 00:55:13
			whole concept of community, even on the online
		
00:55:13 --> 00:55:16
			sector of, like, cohorts and learning, it's starting
		
00:55:16 --> 00:55:17
			to become a thing as well. Just so
		
00:55:17 --> 00:55:20
			because, you know, we're insen, we're uns. Yeah.
		
00:55:20 --> 00:55:22
			That we're social creatures, you know, and, subhanAllah,
		
00:55:22 --> 00:55:24
			you know, in an individualistic society that is
		
00:55:24 --> 00:55:27
			pushing more towards, you know, that that that
		
00:55:27 --> 00:55:29
			that social touch being in in together Right.
		
00:55:29 --> 00:55:32
			You know, in person, offline is crushing. And
		
00:55:32 --> 00:55:34
			and don't don't you think that that strength,
		
00:55:34 --> 00:55:36
			you know, that that brotherhood, that community where
		
00:55:36 --> 00:55:38
			we have those outlets leads to healthier marriages?
		
00:55:39 --> 00:55:40
			Oh, no doubt about it. Yeah. Brother, I've
		
00:55:40 --> 00:55:43
			the gym is I mean, physical exertion. Doesn't
		
00:55:43 --> 00:55:44
			have to be the gym inside a wall
		
00:55:44 --> 00:55:47
			No. Outside getting a slam ball. Like, I'm
		
00:55:47 --> 00:55:48
			I'm I had a circuit training I do
		
00:55:48 --> 00:55:49
			with brothers. It's a bucket and a slam
		
00:55:49 --> 00:55:51
			ball. You get a bucket if you can't
		
00:55:51 --> 00:55:52
			squat because you used to be on computer.
		
00:55:52 --> 00:55:54
			At least get down to the bucket, come
		
00:55:54 --> 00:55:55
			right back up, get the ball, and slam
		
00:55:55 --> 00:55:58
			it. Like, that'll release a lot of stress.
		
00:56:00 --> 00:56:02
			So to the last type of you mentioned
		
00:56:02 --> 00:56:04
			it earlier. By by the way, like, because
		
00:56:04 --> 00:56:05
			I wanna say because I I I also
		
00:56:05 --> 00:56:07
			just caught myself. I mentioned just throwing the
		
00:56:07 --> 00:56:09
			footballs in a that's the beginning. Talk about
		
00:56:09 --> 00:56:10
			it too. But, like, that's a that's a
		
00:56:10 --> 00:56:11
			entry point because I feel like you're gonna
		
00:56:11 --> 00:56:13
			be like, dude, what are you teaching people?
		
00:56:13 --> 00:56:15
			You're just because our football is like, so
		
00:56:15 --> 00:56:16
			we don't talk about our problems. No. Open
		
00:56:16 --> 00:56:18
			up. Like, we do we need to do
		
00:56:18 --> 00:56:19
			better with that. Yeah. We need to be
		
00:56:19 --> 00:56:21
			comfortable with those tough conversations. Yeah. I strive
		
00:56:21 --> 00:56:23
			to have friends who will call me out
		
00:56:23 --> 00:56:25
			when I'm in the wrong. That's the other
		
00:56:25 --> 00:56:26
			thing Yeah. SubhanAllah.
		
00:56:27 --> 00:56:29
			Be willing to call your friends out. That's
		
00:56:29 --> 00:56:30
			what a friend is.
		
00:56:31 --> 00:56:33
			Right. Subhanallah. Brothers, if if if you're yeah.
		
00:56:33 --> 00:56:33
			If
		
00:56:34 --> 00:56:35
			if if your if your friend
		
00:56:35 --> 00:56:38
			is, like, abusive towards their family, be that
		
00:56:38 --> 00:56:41
			good friend. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Let's okay.
		
00:56:41 --> 00:56:42
			We we gotta touch on that, Jake. I
		
00:56:42 --> 00:56:42
			mean,
		
00:56:44 --> 00:56:46
			sister reaches out to you, the wife of
		
00:56:46 --> 00:56:48
			your best friend or friend, and then she
		
00:56:48 --> 00:56:50
			says this is going on. What do you
		
00:56:50 --> 00:56:52
			advise a friend that gets that call?
		
00:56:52 --> 00:56:55
			Like, bro, are you really doing this? What
		
00:56:55 --> 00:56:57
			and because this is during the marriage and
		
00:56:57 --> 00:56:59
			the man is he's he's fallen short, you
		
00:56:59 --> 00:57:01
			know. It it happens. He's stressed out,
		
00:57:01 --> 00:57:04
			you know. He's going through things. Family
		
00:57:04 --> 00:57:05
			member may have passed away. There's been a
		
00:57:05 --> 00:57:06
			level of resentment
		
00:57:08 --> 00:57:09
			and he's releasing his stress out in that
		
00:57:09 --> 00:57:11
			way, physically abusing his wife, which is, you
		
00:57:11 --> 00:57:13
			know, totally haram in Islam. Right. Right. And
		
00:57:13 --> 00:57:15
			we're not condoning it. Yeah. We're not condoning
		
00:57:15 --> 00:57:16
			it. No. That's I don't know. Let me
		
00:57:16 --> 00:57:18
			So you're you're responsible for your hands. Yeah.
		
00:57:18 --> 00:57:20
			You're response oh, of course. No. That's not
		
00:57:20 --> 00:57:22
			allowed in any shape, form, or fashion, or
		
00:57:22 --> 00:57:23
			incident at all.
		
00:57:23 --> 00:57:25
			What would you advise a friend that receives
		
00:57:25 --> 00:57:26
			a phone call from the wife,
		
00:57:27 --> 00:57:28
			from his friend's wife,
		
00:57:29 --> 00:57:31
			that he's been domestically abusing her?
		
00:57:32 --> 00:57:32
			That's
		
00:57:33 --> 00:57:34
			tough. And this is a message to the
		
00:57:34 --> 00:57:36
			brothers that are currently doing it. I mean,
		
00:57:36 --> 00:57:38
			you know, there's a level of of of
		
00:57:38 --> 00:57:39
			of
		
00:57:40 --> 00:57:41
			of sympathy for your problem that led you
		
00:57:41 --> 00:57:43
			to do it, but doing it isn't permissible.
		
00:57:43 --> 00:57:45
			It's not allowed in Islam. And she is
		
00:57:45 --> 00:57:48
			someone that is as the prophet said, you
		
00:57:48 --> 00:57:48
			know,
		
00:57:54 --> 00:57:56
			verily I am very diligent over the protection
		
00:57:56 --> 00:57:58
			of the 2 weak ones, the the the
		
00:57:58 --> 00:58:00
			orphan and the woman. Uh-huh. Right? And their
		
00:58:00 --> 00:58:01
			weakness
		
00:58:02 --> 00:58:04
			is a beautiful thing. It is not a
		
00:58:04 --> 00:58:05
			flaw. It is a weakness that the law,
		
00:58:05 --> 00:58:07
			supreme god, has created them with, being that
		
00:58:07 --> 00:58:10
			they may be generally speaking weaker than that
		
00:58:10 --> 00:58:13
			of the male Right. In regards to physical,
		
00:58:13 --> 00:58:16
			aggression they talked about. So when a woman
		
00:58:16 --> 00:58:18
			calls and she's reaching out, and a lot
		
00:58:18 --> 00:58:20
			of times they feel that they're in jail
		
00:58:20 --> 00:58:21
			because
		
00:58:21 --> 00:58:23
			there was one time, SubhanAllah, the brother threatened
		
00:58:23 --> 00:58:24
			her
		
00:58:24 --> 00:58:26
			that if you say anything,
		
00:58:27 --> 00:58:29
			right, it's going to be worse.
		
00:58:30 --> 00:58:32
			And mind you, this is her first husband.
		
00:58:33 --> 00:58:35
			He took her That's what I tell brothers
		
00:58:35 --> 00:58:36
			all the time. Like, this is The Prophet
		
00:58:36 --> 00:58:39
			SAW Salam, forgive me. The Prophet SAW Salam,
		
00:58:39 --> 00:58:41
			when he talked about Zina, he said, would
		
00:58:41 --> 00:58:41
			you
		
00:58:43 --> 00:58:44
			would you like that to happen to your
		
00:58:44 --> 00:58:45
			mother? Would you like that to happen to
		
00:58:45 --> 00:58:46
			your sister? We like that to happen to
		
00:58:46 --> 00:58:47
			you. And he went down the line.
		
00:58:48 --> 00:58:50
			Yeah. Mother, aunt, sister in the hadith.
		
00:58:50 --> 00:58:53
			Yeah. So that is someone's daughter you are
		
00:58:53 --> 00:58:55
			taking away from their house. And then for
		
00:58:55 --> 00:58:56
			you to verbally
		
00:58:57 --> 00:59:00
			abuse her, verbally abuse her, and then physically
		
00:59:00 --> 00:59:00
			abuse her,
		
00:59:02 --> 00:59:03
			is it fair for me to say
		
00:59:04 --> 00:59:06
			and I'm using the epitome of of of
		
00:59:06 --> 00:59:07
			of words here,
		
00:59:07 --> 00:59:09
			to risk your friendship
		
00:59:11 --> 00:59:14
			by advising that brother and telling him, look,
		
00:59:14 --> 00:59:14
			bro.
		
00:59:15 --> 00:59:16
			You know, you need to stop.
		
00:59:17 --> 00:59:18
			Like, what would you all say in this
		
00:59:18 --> 00:59:20
			regard? What's the method? What's the process he
		
00:59:20 --> 00:59:22
			should take when he receives that call?
		
00:59:22 --> 00:59:24
			I need a huja in front of Allah
		
00:59:24 --> 00:59:26
			that I spoke up and, you know,
		
00:59:26 --> 00:59:28
			you know, spoke up for justice and truth.
		
00:59:28 --> 00:59:31
			Right? That's being a good friend. Right?
		
00:59:31 --> 00:59:33
			You know, it's not the other person whether
		
00:59:33 --> 00:59:34
			they listen or not, but I Mhmm. I
		
00:59:34 --> 00:59:36
			I I have to speak up. Right? And
		
00:59:36 --> 00:59:37
			I
		
00:59:37 --> 00:59:39
			understand you have to use Hikma and so
		
00:59:39 --> 00:59:40
			on, but
		
00:59:40 --> 00:59:42
			like, honestly in that type of situation,
		
00:59:42 --> 00:59:45
			we're not vocal enough as brothers. Mhmm. We're
		
00:59:45 --> 00:59:45
			not. You know?
		
00:59:46 --> 00:59:47
			I
		
00:59:49 --> 00:59:50
			There's there's a case where like,
		
00:59:51 --> 00:59:53
			a very educated, you know, lady got her
		
00:59:53 --> 00:59:54
			jaw dislocated
		
00:59:55 --> 00:59:57
			because the because the guy grabbed her hard
		
00:59:57 --> 00:59:58
			and was trying to make her understand something
		
00:59:58 --> 01:00:00
			and she wasn't paying attention. You know? Mhmm.
		
01:00:00 --> 01:00:02
			Dislocated her jaw.
		
01:00:02 --> 01:00:04
			Right? We need to we need to be
		
01:00:04 --> 01:00:06
			tough on this. We need to, you know,
		
01:00:07 --> 01:00:10
			like speak up as men. Yeah. Right? Yeah.
		
01:00:10 --> 01:00:11
			Yeah. That's that's that's that's it's it's not
		
01:00:11 --> 01:00:12
			it's not a man who can't, you know,
		
01:00:12 --> 01:00:14
			control his temper in that manner. Right. And
		
01:00:14 --> 01:00:15
			that's why
		
01:00:16 --> 01:00:17
			you need caves.
		
01:00:18 --> 01:00:18
			Yes.
		
01:00:19 --> 01:00:20
			This is why you need caves. For some
		
01:00:20 --> 01:00:22
			people it's the barbershop.
		
01:00:22 --> 01:00:24
			For some people it's the gym. For some
		
01:00:24 --> 01:00:26
			people, it's just the living room or the
		
01:00:26 --> 01:00:29
			garage, you know. I forgot which, I was
		
01:00:29 --> 01:00:30
			reading an article
		
01:00:30 --> 01:00:31
			and they were talking about
		
01:00:32 --> 01:00:33
			how,
		
01:00:33 --> 01:00:34
			I think it was the book,
		
01:00:35 --> 01:00:37
			men on strike talking about why men do
		
01:00:37 --> 01:00:39
			not get married. There were some valid points
		
01:00:39 --> 01:00:41
			in there. There was one chapter where they
		
01:00:41 --> 01:00:42
			were talking about the man cave and how
		
01:00:42 --> 01:00:44
			the man cave is a sign of emasculating
		
01:00:44 --> 01:00:45
			him
		
01:00:45 --> 01:00:46
			because
		
01:00:46 --> 01:00:49
			he can't have any habitat in the house,
		
01:00:50 --> 01:00:51
			so he has to go to the basement
		
01:00:51 --> 01:00:52
			or the garage.
		
01:00:52 --> 01:00:54
			I beg to differ with that. I mean,
		
01:00:54 --> 01:00:56
			the man wants that. He wants that, but
		
01:00:56 --> 01:00:57
			he just wants a place of isolation where
		
01:00:57 --> 01:00:58
			he can just hang out, put his feet
		
01:00:58 --> 01:01:00
			out, Right. Right. And drink some water, not
		
01:01:00 --> 01:01:02
			beer. Drink some water.
		
01:01:02 --> 01:01:04
			I like your garage. That's a nice setup.
		
01:01:04 --> 01:01:05
			It's a little bit. But, yeah, it's a
		
01:01:05 --> 01:01:07
			place where you can hang out, talk, talk
		
01:01:07 --> 01:01:09
			junk, laugh Mhmm. You know, make fun of
		
01:01:09 --> 01:01:11
			each other, you know, what they call roasting
		
01:01:11 --> 01:01:13
			each other now or copying or whatever the
		
01:01:13 --> 01:01:14
			case may be. You know, the companions used
		
01:01:14 --> 01:01:15
			to do that rather.
		
01:01:16 --> 01:01:18
			In in the midst of all of that,
		
01:01:18 --> 01:01:19
			just that laughter,
		
01:01:19 --> 01:01:21
			there's been numerous times where I've been in
		
01:01:21 --> 01:01:22
			situations like that
		
01:01:23 --> 01:01:23
			and,
		
01:01:24 --> 01:01:25
			you know, you're laughing, but then when you're
		
01:01:25 --> 01:01:27
			walking to your car about to leave,
		
01:01:27 --> 01:01:29
			the brother comes to you. Yep. Because I'm
		
01:01:29 --> 01:01:31
			like the emav, so they're like, shit, I
		
01:01:31 --> 01:01:32
			just wanna talk to you about something. We
		
01:01:32 --> 01:01:34
			were together for 3 hours. 3 hours.
		
01:01:35 --> 01:01:37
			Yeah. And he found it within himself from
		
01:01:37 --> 01:01:40
			Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and his his strength
		
01:01:41 --> 01:01:43
			and humility that he was able to come
		
01:01:43 --> 01:01:44
			to me and say, you know
		
01:01:44 --> 01:01:45
			what?
		
01:01:46 --> 01:01:47
			What's going on?
		
01:01:47 --> 01:01:48
			Just the wife, man.
		
01:01:49 --> 01:01:50
			You know, one time I asked her brother,
		
01:01:50 --> 01:01:51
			subhanallah,
		
01:01:51 --> 01:01:52
			how's everything going?
		
01:01:53 --> 01:01:54
			And he just, boom,
		
01:01:55 --> 01:01:57
			just start. I'm getting a divorce man. I
		
01:01:57 --> 01:01:59
			don't know what's going on. I'm just getting
		
01:01:59 --> 01:02:01
			a divorce and then boom. Just
		
01:02:02 --> 01:02:03
			I said, let's go over here. You know,
		
01:02:03 --> 01:02:05
			so because probably nobody asked him that. Because
		
01:02:05 --> 01:02:07
			like, you know, we're talking about this idea
		
01:02:07 --> 01:02:08
			of altruism
		
01:02:08 --> 01:02:10
			and, you know, and so on, but that
		
01:02:10 --> 01:02:12
			also means that, you know, for for a
		
01:02:12 --> 01:02:14
			lot of us that like, we put ourselves
		
01:02:14 --> 01:02:16
			last. We take care of ours, we take
		
01:02:16 --> 01:02:17
			care of our family, we work hard, we,
		
01:02:17 --> 01:02:19
			you know? And and and and we we
		
01:02:19 --> 01:02:21
			have pride in that. Yeah. But then there
		
01:02:21 --> 01:02:22
			is that build up. Right?
		
01:02:23 --> 01:02:25
			And, you know, for you when's the last
		
01:02:25 --> 01:02:27
			time, you know, you asked, like, one of
		
01:02:27 --> 01:02:28
			your your friends, like, how how are you
		
01:02:28 --> 01:02:30
			holding up, man? How are you doing? Yeah.
		
01:02:30 --> 01:02:31
			Super proud. Not not not not just how's
		
01:02:31 --> 01:02:33
			your job, but, like, how are you doing?
		
01:02:33 --> 01:02:36
			Yeah. Exactly, man. Exactly. That's so important. Just
		
01:02:36 --> 01:02:36
			to, you know
		
01:02:37 --> 01:02:40
			as Rod know, he has on his calendar,
		
01:02:41 --> 01:02:42
			it's the Uhua calls.
		
01:02:43 --> 01:02:45
			Oh, man. On his calendar. Uhua
		
01:02:46 --> 01:02:47
			calls.
		
01:02:47 --> 01:02:49
			You know? And I love how you mentioned
		
01:02:49 --> 01:02:50
			that. We don't have enough time, but I
		
01:02:50 --> 01:02:52
			think it's really good for the for the
		
01:02:52 --> 01:02:54
			sisters and the wives to hear as well.
		
01:02:55 --> 01:02:56
			You know, the men are complaining when they
		
01:02:56 --> 01:02:58
			when they come last in the house. Right?
		
01:02:58 --> 01:03:00
			It's just like you said, he finds pride
		
01:03:00 --> 01:03:02
			in doing that, but we're human as well.
		
01:03:02 --> 01:03:04
			Yeah. And sometimes the wife may ask, but
		
01:03:04 --> 01:03:06
			there's nothing like the brother coming and asking,
		
01:03:06 --> 01:03:08
			I mean, how's how's everything going?
		
01:03:08 --> 01:03:10
			Everything's going no. No.
		
01:03:10 --> 01:03:13
			How's everything going, man? Boom. It's like, boom.
		
01:03:13 --> 01:03:15
			You know? So I'm so glad you mentioned
		
01:03:15 --> 01:03:18
			that. Brothers, sisters, you know, may Allah bless
		
01:03:18 --> 01:03:19
			you for tuning in. This is a a
		
01:03:19 --> 01:03:21
			great session as all of them are great.
		
01:03:22 --> 01:03:23
			What are some of the things that the
		
01:03:23 --> 01:03:26
			man should be aware of during marriage? Some
		
01:03:26 --> 01:03:27
			signs that could lead to,
		
01:03:28 --> 01:03:30
			you know, it's something that they should be
		
01:03:30 --> 01:03:32
			aware of. Could be red flags or red
		
01:03:32 --> 01:03:34
			lines. But most importantly, I think from what
		
01:03:34 --> 01:03:36
			we just talked about in conclusion,
		
01:03:37 --> 01:03:39
			establish your iman establish your iman cave. Right?
		
01:03:39 --> 01:03:42
			Have a place where you can sit and
		
01:03:42 --> 01:03:45
			talk 5 minutes, 50 minutes. You can just
		
01:03:45 --> 01:03:46
			talk over food,
		
01:03:46 --> 01:03:48
			over a dumbbell, barbell, out just in the
		
01:03:48 --> 01:03:49
			park walking.
		
01:03:50 --> 01:03:52
			You know, well you can just get with
		
01:03:52 --> 01:03:54
			men that have the same mindset or your
		
01:03:54 --> 01:03:56
			friends or an imam or someone
		
01:03:57 --> 01:03:58
			that you can talk to because
		
01:03:59 --> 01:04:00
			it sounds very simple.
		
01:04:01 --> 01:04:04
			Like it has no effect. But as you
		
01:04:04 --> 01:04:06
			can see here with 2 therapists, Mashallah Tabarakallah,
		
01:04:06 --> 01:04:08
			that there's a huge effect in that in
		
01:04:08 --> 01:04:10
			that companionship. You know, may Allah Subhana Wa
		
01:04:10 --> 01:04:12
			Ta'la bless both of you for tuning in,
		
01:04:12 --> 01:04:14
			for for coming here and enlightening me and
		
01:04:14 --> 01:04:16
			enlightening everyone else, masha'allah, in this beautiful
		
01:04:17 --> 01:04:19
			beautiful segment that we have of, you know,
		
01:04:19 --> 01:04:22
			of talking about divorce problem or solution. May
		
01:04:22 --> 01:04:24
			Allah bless all of you viewers. And please,
		
01:04:24 --> 01:04:26
			we're reading the comments. May Allah bless you
		
01:04:26 --> 01:04:28
			all for your comments, for your insight,
		
01:04:28 --> 01:04:31
			you know, and if you have any suggestions.
		
01:04:31 --> 01:04:34
			We're not perfect. And we didn't mention everything.
		
01:04:34 --> 01:04:36
			We weren't planning to mention everything, but just
		
01:04:36 --> 01:04:37
			some some of the milestones
		
01:04:38 --> 01:04:40
			that take place. And we're asking Allah Subhana
		
01:04:40 --> 01:04:41
			Wa Ta'la to accept it from us and
		
01:04:41 --> 01:04:43
			to accept it from you for watching. BarakAllahu
		
01:04:47 --> 01:04:48
			faqum.