Abdullah Oduro – Iman Cave #02 A Man Guide To Marriage – During Marriage

Abdullah Oduro
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of understanding the process of divorce during marriage, as it can lead to divorce, divorce, or marriage therapy. They stress the need for a positive attitude towards sex, personalized communication, valuing individuality, and building emotional connections. The importance of reaching out to men is emphasized, along with the need for community and sues in mental health issues, empowering brotherhood, avoiding domestic abuse, and setting boundaries. The need for strong leadership and communication is also emphasized.
AI: Transcript ©
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The night of the marriage, he has a

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box. In this box, he opens the box

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and it's a tire. It's a certain type

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of attire that he's expecting. His sister got

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scared. And he was slightly frustrated. When I'm

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hearing this, I'm thinking immediately, okay. Why is

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your expectation

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this immediately? In order to receive understanding, you

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have to give understanding. Okay. And when the

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person knows that you're willing to have that

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Hosnathan, and like okay, I don't fully get

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it, but I'm willing to understand why this

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bothers you. I might not even agree with

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you a 100%, but I'm willing to understand

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what bothers you about this. You may have

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to reach out to another person another person

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until you get a response. And I know

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that puts the onus on the brother, but

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that strength of reaching out will be challenged.

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And, that challenge may come in the aspect

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of not receiving a response from the first

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person or the second person. The process of

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reaching out is a burden, is difficult. Mhmm.

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But it is also something that you can

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bear as well. What would you advise a

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friend that receives that phone call from the

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wife, From his friend's wife that he's been

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domestically abusing her?

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Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh. How's everyone

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doing? I'm Abdullah Oduro and welcome to the

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Iman Cave where where we discuss issues of

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male excellence

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while being grounded in faith.

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I'm done.

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I can't do this anymore.

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You know what? I think I want a

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divorce.

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I don't know if I can handle this.

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This statement has been said by some of

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us that are viewing

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or we've heard our fathers or mothers say

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this.

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You know, in Islam, it's very important for

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us to understand initially

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that

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the goal of what is called the Maqasid

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of the Sharia or the Islamic objectives is

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to establish

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and maintain families

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with the reality that Al Khadik, the creator

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of the heavens and the earth, knows us

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as human beings and that we're human.

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We'll forget, we'll be negligent, and sometimes we

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may not be compatible.

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Meaning 2 people that are trying to be

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their best may not be compatible.

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We see this with the life of the

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prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam and the companions

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that Talaq divorce

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took place.

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Thank you for joining. We are on our

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second portion

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of the series entitled divorce problem

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or solution.

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If you tune into the first show, it

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was about before marriage. As you know, we

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are going to talk about 3 components or

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phases. Before marriage,

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during marriage, and after marriage.

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The last show was about before marriage. What

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are some of the pitfalls

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and what are some preventative

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measures that you men can take

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in regards to getting married. Some things that

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you should consider.

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Now, we're going to talk about

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during marriage.

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How can it be divorced during marriage? Where's

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the connection? Well,

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many people that we know and many people

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maybe you and it's okay because

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the divorce can be a solution sometimes and

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can be a problem and we're going to

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dive deep into that.

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During the marriage, sometimes people may not be

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there mentally.

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They may be divorced mentally in their mind

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when they walk walk in walk in their

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homes.

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They dread seeing their wives. The wife dreads

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seeing her husband.

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This even took place during the time of

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the prophet

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where a woman mentioned that

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she just is not attracted to him and

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she fears that she may have a form

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of ungratefulness

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to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And from this

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hadith, this situation,

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what took place with this female companion, may

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Allah be pleased with her, the prophet sallallahu

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alaihi wasallam legislated what's called khulr or what

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is called the request to be separated

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from her husband, divorce from her husband. We

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order her to give back the Mahar or

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the dowry which was the garden that was

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given to her by him.

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But as was mentioned for men,

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what are some things that you, men that

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are aspiring to get married, that you should

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know and men that are watching and you're

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probably going through this? We're here to help

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with 2 illustrious individuals. Firstly, the one to

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my right, brother

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Faizan Majid,

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Long time friend. Hamdulillah.

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And he is a therapist, a counselor. And

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I wanna you know, the words are very

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important here and I don't wanna make the

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mistake and feel free to correct me. He's

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a behavioral therapist and counselor,

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and you counsel from all ages. Correct? Or

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Counsel all ages. All ages. So currently counseling

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in school

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and. How long have you been doing this?

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I've been doing it for about 4 or

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5 years,

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and I counsel all ages, but it just

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naturally has become more younger Mhmm. Folk, children

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Okay. Because I end up with working with

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quite a few Islamic schools,

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Okay.

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He will be our cohost today, and I

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think this is gonna be a phenomenal session

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because we have 2 therapists but particularly we

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have our licensed marriage and family therapist,

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brother Usman Muhuni. He was there last week

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Alhamdulillahabil Alamin and he is going to talk

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about what all of us are going to

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talk about. I'm just going to sit back

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and listen and benefit and get all the

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food inshaAllah as you will consume this for

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the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.

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Brother Usman Mooknee is a licensed marriage and

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family therapist.

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We are going to talk about today

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during marriage. What are those things that potentially

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can lead to

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divorce? Now,

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when talking about this brothers particularly,

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you know, during marriage,

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you know, we we hear the term red

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flags. Right? You know, one of those things

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that you saw before the marriage

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and you know sometimes in your offices the

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woman will say the man will say that

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was a red flag. I knew I should

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have listened to it.

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I knew I should have followed it. Right?

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Let's start with

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mentally, you know, psychologically

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when the man is in

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the course of marriage, whether it's the 1st

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month,

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the 1st year, the 10th year,

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we see I've seen as an imam, the

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man comes in the office and he's he's

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checked out,

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like mentally checked out.

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You know, he's smiling,

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But But when he sits in your office,

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when you get along with him, he's able

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to be vulnerable. And if we're gonna talk

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about that and he's just not there mentally,

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he's just there. I'm just providing.

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I'm not even there mentally.

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What do y'all have to say about that

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in regards to

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not being there mentally

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for the man? What are some situations that

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you've seen and what's some potential advice you

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can give in that regard?

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It's not something that happens overnight. Right? Like,

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one statistic that I share, Faisal, I'm sure

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you you know, you're you're familiar with this,

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is that on average,

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couples will go to, like, marriage therapy

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5 to 7 years after a problem has

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been After. Yeah. A problem. So, if you

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think about a repeated pattern over and over

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and over again for 5 to 7 years,

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that's gonna be very difficult to break out

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of. So, that resentment is there. Exactly. That,

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you know, that frustration,

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and you almost

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at

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at that point. And but it's, like, for

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them, it's, like, evidence based. Right? It's, like,

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I know what they're gonna do because I

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haven't trust me, brother. I know how she's

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gonna react. Trust me, you know. I know

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how he's gonna, you know, react. Okay. Okay.

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So having those bad expectations of Right. Right.

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Right. Right. There's there's even this whole idea

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of,

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getting to a point where you release the

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person from the role of the villain. You

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know what I'm saying? Getting to a point

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where you expect the absolute worst from them.

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And, you know, when we were talking about

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like the, you know, previous stage, while you're

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looking for somebody Mhmm. You know, we were

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talking about this idea of, like, being rigid,

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you know, having standards, so on. Like, you

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know,

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yes, it's great to have Hosna done, but,

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you know, don't save her. If you don't

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you know what I'm saying? Like, don't jump

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into a situation like that and so on.

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Once you're in it,

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it's different. Right? Once you're in it, then

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you then there then that leniency, that flexibility,

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all of that is there. You know what

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I'm saying? I see. I see. I see.

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Right. Now you're not as rigid. Right?

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The the that's what we're kinda trying to

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point out initially. Right? It's that the biggest

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preventer of divorce is, you know, marrying the

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person who's right for you in the 1st

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place. The person's right for you in the

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1st place. Yeah. I mean, you know, people

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are listening and they're like, but it's too

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late now. Alright? So so now we're now

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we're gonna talk about, like, what, you know

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and and I think one thing, and we

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we come across this a lot, dude. Like,

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it's,

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how do I know it's right to get

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divorced? Like, what Right. What and and that's

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what people unfortunately, when it because we're kind

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of centering this around divorce. Right? Ask yourself,

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okay, what is my objective when I come

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into a counselor's office? When I come to

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an imam's office? Okay. Is it reconciliation?

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Or is

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it some type of validation that,

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yes, I'm right for asking for a divorce.

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Right? So that's the first thing. What's your

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intention?

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And then, you know, based on that, we

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can talk about, maybe I'm jumping ahead of

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myself, but we can talk about what are

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some steps? What are some, like, poops you

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have to basically jump through before you can

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say that, okay, as

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humanly objectively as possible, I think divorce is

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the right decision or I think staying together

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is the right decision. Okay. So if if

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we were to just, you know, start from

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how you mentioned, you know, the whole concept

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in Islam of and

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which is having bad thoughts or good

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expectations

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about the person.

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If we're looking at the husband for instance,

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Faizon, the husband, you know, he says look

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it's been 5 years. We've been married we've

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been married for 7 but the past 5

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years

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she's just been vicious, man. And I'm not

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expecting

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anything good from her. I'm expecting her

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to always be jealous. She's a very jealous

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sister. Right?

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Him walking in like you mentioned, him walking

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into the office

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and just

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maybe having the intention just to get validation

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to do or act the way he is

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acting.

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Is that common? I mean, he's saying that

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it's common. Have you have you seen that

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a lot and what would you particularly,

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advise in that particular situation?

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Yes, SubhanAllah. I think when there's an element

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of when someone comes into your office of

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of

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they're coming in with a level of baggage

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of truths

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that they think are true Mhmm.

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That they have believed for so long that

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actually need to be put on trial.

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Okay. They need to be examined. They need

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to be,

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looked at a little bit more carefully and

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actually see if this is an actual truth

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that's in my marriage. Mhmm.

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And if it is, what is the evidence

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that I have for that? So say someone

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comes in, like you mentioned, they have an

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expectation that my wife is jealous Mhmm. And

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is always going to be jealous. That second

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part of the statement, always going to be

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jealous. Okay.

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Is that really the case? Mhmm. Or are

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you reading into things? Or are you looking

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at things a little bit differently? And I

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think there's an element of work that needs

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to be done there.

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Mhmm. If if that is true and if

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there is evidence, then we obviously take the

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next steps and look at, if there's a

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possibility for reconciliation. If not, then divorce. Yeah.

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You know you know what you know what's

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important here, man? I I just wanna make

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that interject on that because

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let's be honest.

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We're not head of Bashmen. We're not head

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of Bashwomen. We're here to tell certain truths

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or realities with people that this is their

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profession.

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So I'm almost about to say take it

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how you want it, but

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you mentioned

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the truths need to be put on I

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like how you mentioned that because

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the man may come to the office, and

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he didn't wanna come in the 1st place.

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Especially a licensed marriage and family therapist, the

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woman may have brought him there.

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Right?

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And, he he he he he he was

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man enough, right, to get up and go.

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But then if his truth is being put

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on trial,

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he has to be willing

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to accept that. Yeah.

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You know, it's a level of humility

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that's needed.

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Would y'all agree? That's yep. That's exactly it.

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Yeah. Absolutely. Right. Right. You know? So because

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because when there's when when he's there, something

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that he like, he mentioned I'm I'm so

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glad you mentioned that How it's 5 years

00:11:22 --> 00:11:24

in the in the making. Right?

00:11:25 --> 00:11:27

Yeah. How he comes there and he he's

00:11:27 --> 00:11:29

expecting his truth to be validated, but all

00:11:29 --> 00:11:31

of a sudden he's challenged. And sometimes it's

00:11:31 --> 00:11:32

in front of his wife.

00:11:33 --> 00:11:35

Sometimes it's in front of his wife because

00:11:35 --> 00:11:37

he had these thoughts about her

00:11:37 --> 00:11:39

and he's being challenged at what he knew

00:11:39 --> 00:11:40

was

00:11:40 --> 00:11:42

was right. Right?

00:11:43 --> 00:11:45

Particularly in the aspect of respect.

00:11:45 --> 00:11:47

Let's move on to respect.

00:11:48 --> 00:11:49

Numerous times I heard,

00:11:50 --> 00:11:51

she doesn't respect me.

00:11:52 --> 00:11:53

What have you all seen in regards to

00:11:53 --> 00:11:56

respect? What I've seen in respect, firstly,

00:11:57 --> 00:11:58

she second guesses my decisions.

00:11:59 --> 00:12:01

She doesn't listen to me.

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Right? Do you all hear that constantly from

00:12:03 --> 00:12:05

from those that may be married? When in

00:12:05 --> 00:12:06

regards to respect when when they say the

00:12:06 --> 00:12:08

word respect, what falls under that when they

00:12:08 --> 00:12:11

when they expound upon that Right. Particular subject?

00:12:11 --> 00:12:13

It it depends on the individual. Mhmm. Right?

00:12:13 --> 00:12:15

There there there's one thing, like, when it

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comes to marriage talks and so on. Right?

00:12:17 --> 00:12:18

I don't like generalizations.

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Okay. Right? Mhmm. And I I and I

00:12:20 --> 00:12:22

and I get that, like Yeah. You know,

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we can kind of, you know, predict, like,

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for for example, oh, women are more emotional,

00:12:27 --> 00:12:28

men are more logical, or something like this.

00:12:28 --> 00:12:31

Right? Like, that that pigeonholes us. Right? You

00:12:31 --> 00:12:33

look at things on an individual

00:12:33 --> 00:12:35

basis. Right? The prophet, salAllahu alaihi wa sallam

00:12:35 --> 00:12:37

gave certain advice based on the person, their

00:12:37 --> 00:12:38

situation, and so on. Right? So I don't

00:12:38 --> 00:12:40

know why that gets lost when it comes

00:12:40 --> 00:12:42

to, mental health, when it comes to relationships,

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and so on. Then we're okay just, you

00:12:44 --> 00:12:45

know, generalizing.

00:12:45 --> 00:12:46

So,

00:12:46 --> 00:12:48

what does respect mean? It depends on the

00:12:48 --> 00:12:50

person. Mhmm. You know, one person might define

00:12:50 --> 00:12:52

respect one way. 1 person might define respect

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the other way.

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Also,

00:12:54 --> 00:12:56

you know, what baggage are they coming with?

00:12:56 --> 00:12:59

Right? So if if somebody is feeling that,

00:13:00 --> 00:13:02

like, oh, I've always been called irresponsible. I've

00:13:02 --> 00:13:04

always been called like that. You know, I,

00:13:04 --> 00:13:05

you know, I don't work hard enough for

00:13:05 --> 00:13:06

something by my parents or by my friends

00:13:06 --> 00:13:08

or this or that. Right? So if that

00:13:08 --> 00:13:10

means that any inkling, even if his sister

00:13:10 --> 00:13:12

didn't mean, you know, in the wrong way

00:13:12 --> 00:13:14

is gonna trigger him, then he's gonna consider

00:13:14 --> 00:13:15

that disrespectful. So you also have to kind

00:13:15 --> 00:13:17

of take a step back and say,

00:13:18 --> 00:13:18

like, you know, look at your own baggage

00:13:18 --> 00:13:18

and so on. You know what I'm saying?

00:13:18 --> 00:13:18

Like, define it. What does that mean for

00:13:18 --> 00:13:19

you? What will make you specifically feel respected?

00:13:23 --> 00:13:25

I was gonna say, like, that specifically, like,

00:13:26 --> 00:13:29

it's so individual. Like, respect is so individual

00:13:29 --> 00:13:30

that you have to you know,

00:13:31 --> 00:13:32

we hear a lot that you need to

00:13:32 --> 00:13:33

learn you need one of the biggest things

00:13:33 --> 00:13:35

that you need to do when you're married

00:13:35 --> 00:13:37

is that you need to communicate with each

00:13:37 --> 00:13:39

other. Okay. Communication is huge.

00:13:39 --> 00:13:42

But I like telling clients that yes communication

00:13:42 --> 00:13:43

is huge,

00:13:43 --> 00:13:45

but you need to know what to communicate

00:13:45 --> 00:13:47

as well. You need to know yourself to

00:13:47 --> 00:13:49

the point where you can communicate. So if

00:13:49 --> 00:13:50

respect is something

00:13:51 --> 00:13:53

that's incredibly important, what does it mean to

00:13:53 --> 00:13:55

you? Yeah. And that changes the interaction between

00:13:55 --> 00:13:58

husband and wife. If you don't know what

00:13:58 --> 00:14:00

respect means to you, how are you ever

00:14:00 --> 00:14:02

gonna be able to communicate it? Exactly. Okay.

00:14:02 --> 00:14:03

So the okay. I I this is a

00:14:03 --> 00:14:05

little pushback for both of you. And I

00:14:05 --> 00:14:06

know there's gonna be pushback right

00:14:07 --> 00:14:10

now. So if it's individually based, what do

00:14:10 --> 00:14:12

we say about the concept of the fitra?

00:14:12 --> 00:14:13

So like for instance,

00:14:14 --> 00:14:15

men are created what is it? Men are

00:14:15 --> 00:14:17

from Venus and women are from men women

00:14:17 --> 00:14:18

are from Mars. Right? Right.

00:14:19 --> 00:14:20

Can we say that there's a there has

00:14:20 --> 00:14:21

to be a level of generalities

00:14:22 --> 00:14:24

when it comes to male and female fitra

00:14:24 --> 00:14:26

biology Right. From them being

00:14:27 --> 00:14:27

predominantly

00:14:28 --> 00:14:30

women are more emotional, Yeah. Which is not

00:14:30 --> 00:14:32

a flaw. Right. Right. Of course. Of course.

00:14:32 --> 00:14:32

And predominantly

00:14:33 --> 00:14:33

men are,

00:14:34 --> 00:14:35

what,

00:14:35 --> 00:14:38

less emotional or more, More stoic, more Stoic.

00:14:38 --> 00:14:40

Aggressive. Right. Aggressive. Right? Right. Which is not

00:14:40 --> 00:14:42

a flaw. It's just as long as it's

00:14:42 --> 00:14:43

used in its proper

00:14:43 --> 00:14:45

so how are we joined between those 2?

00:14:45 --> 00:14:46

Because

00:14:46 --> 00:14:48

when you mentioned respect as well,

00:14:49 --> 00:14:51

along with the fitra, along with the natural

00:14:51 --> 00:14:53

inclination, Yani, that we were talking about biology,

00:14:53 --> 00:14:54

for lack of better words, which is an

00:14:54 --> 00:14:55

aspect of the fitra,

00:14:56 --> 00:14:57

Cultural nuances.

00:14:57 --> 00:15:00

Mhmm. Right? What's considered respect? I grew up

00:15:01 --> 00:15:02

and this was respect to me. I come

00:15:02 --> 00:15:04

home every day. There should be food ready.

00:15:04 --> 00:15:06

And if there's not food ready, there's a

00:15:06 --> 00:15:09

level of disrespect that I will not tolerate.

00:15:09 --> 00:15:10

So how would we

00:15:10 --> 00:15:11

reconcile

00:15:11 --> 00:15:13

between the fact that it's not cookie cutter

00:15:14 --> 00:15:17

Right. But there there is, there is wiggle

00:15:17 --> 00:15:18

room or freedom

00:15:19 --> 00:15:20

for there to be individualistic

00:15:21 --> 00:15:21

considerations

00:15:22 --> 00:15:25

when dealing in this particular aspect. Right. I

00:15:25 --> 00:15:26

mean, I I think part of it is,

00:15:26 --> 00:15:27

like, we work on the micro and not

00:15:27 --> 00:15:29

the macro. Exactly. Right? Mhmm. So, like,

00:15:30 --> 00:15:32

the the the like, in the therapy office,

00:15:32 --> 00:15:34

like, just like 1 on 1 Mhmm. That's

00:15:34 --> 00:15:35

why I don't like those generalizations. Like, in

00:15:35 --> 00:15:36

in in general,

00:15:36 --> 00:15:38

like, yes. There

00:15:38 --> 00:15:40

are, I think, a decent, you know, particularly

00:15:40 --> 00:15:42

large sample size of like South Asian men

00:15:42 --> 00:15:43

for example, who would,

00:15:44 --> 00:15:47

you know, just feel elated when their wife

00:15:47 --> 00:15:49

shows love and consideration and care

00:15:50 --> 00:15:52

to, you know, their mom and their sister

00:15:53 --> 00:15:53

and their siblings

00:15:54 --> 00:15:56

and their and their father. And that's, you

00:15:56 --> 00:15:58

know, respect for them. Right. You know what

00:15:58 --> 00:16:00

I'm saying? Right? Yeah. Are there others who,

00:16:00 --> 00:16:02

you know, maybe don't care? Yes. You know?

00:16:02 --> 00:16:03

Like, I I the point is, like, I

00:16:03 --> 00:16:05

wouldn't just jump in and assume because I

00:16:05 --> 00:16:08

I've gotten, like, you know, push back. Understandably

00:16:08 --> 00:16:09

so. Like, we're like, okay, well, why are

00:16:09 --> 00:16:11

you assuming? Like, sometimes the guy will be

00:16:11 --> 00:16:12

like, dude, why are you assuming that I'm,

00:16:12 --> 00:16:14

like, you know, I'm actually, you know, I

00:16:14 --> 00:16:16

can become quite emotional. Mhmm. Right? I think

00:16:16 --> 00:16:19

there are some generalities there. Like, there's there

00:16:19 --> 00:16:20

are creative differences Yeah. Between men and women,

00:16:20 --> 00:16:21

of course. But

00:16:22 --> 00:16:24

when they come into the office and when

00:16:24 --> 00:16:26

we talk to them, there's a discovery process

00:16:26 --> 00:16:27

that has to happen in the beginning. Below.

00:16:27 --> 00:16:30

We're understanding what their level of respect is.

00:16:30 --> 00:16:32

But very generally speaking, I think there is

00:16:32 --> 00:16:33

an element of

00:16:34 --> 00:16:36

we we like to come home and for

00:16:36 --> 00:16:38

South Asian men, we like it when

00:16:38 --> 00:16:40

our wife looks at us

00:16:40 --> 00:16:43

as a leader. Mhmm. And I think that

00:16:43 --> 00:16:45

aspect of leader, that needs definition as well.

00:16:45 --> 00:16:48

Mhmm. But then that's more individualistic. But if

00:16:48 --> 00:16:49

there's a level of

00:16:50 --> 00:16:51

looking

00:16:51 --> 00:16:53

at their the husband as someone who takes

00:16:53 --> 00:16:55

the lead, takes the charge, and and leads

00:16:55 --> 00:16:56

the household,

00:16:57 --> 00:16:59

I've I've seen that a lot. I've seen

00:16:59 --> 00:17:00

that a lot with clients that that's something

00:17:00 --> 00:17:03

that can be in that category of being

00:17:03 --> 00:17:04

respected by their wife. But see, I don't

00:17:04 --> 00:17:05

think that's

00:17:06 --> 00:17:07

individualistic though.

00:17:08 --> 00:17:09

I think that that's Islamic.

00:17:10 --> 00:17:11

Of course. And I mean, you know, even

00:17:11 --> 00:17:13

the term of kawama,

00:17:13 --> 00:17:16

right, which seems problematic, and I think it's

00:17:16 --> 00:17:18

problematic because of the way it's implemented and

00:17:18 --> 00:17:19

because of societal

00:17:20 --> 00:17:23

norms that Islam does not accept.

00:17:23 --> 00:17:26

Right? So for instance, we in Islam believe

00:17:26 --> 00:17:28

that man is the leader. Mhmm. Right? And

00:17:28 --> 00:17:30

we believe that in Islam, y'all can y'all

00:17:30 --> 00:17:31

can I wanna hear what y'all have to

00:17:31 --> 00:17:34

say? In Islam that the word obedience should

00:17:34 --> 00:17:36

not be shied away from. Like, the woman

00:17:36 --> 00:17:38

should be obedient to her husband,

00:17:38 --> 00:17:40

but then the husband should serve his wife

00:17:40 --> 00:17:42

as well. When we look at the word

00:17:42 --> 00:17:44

obedience, we think in Arabic, it's

00:17:44 --> 00:17:45

It's like

00:17:46 --> 00:17:48

worship or it's that she has no say

00:17:48 --> 00:17:50

whatsoever and that

00:17:50 --> 00:17:53

whatever he says, period, cannot be questioned.

00:17:54 --> 00:17:56

That's not that's see, that's where it's a

00:17:56 --> 00:17:57

cultural nuance

00:17:58 --> 00:17:59

that has kind of overshadowed

00:17:59 --> 00:18:01

overshadowed the Sharia.

00:18:01 --> 00:18:03

We see the the female companions. Meantime, they

00:18:03 --> 00:18:04

will question the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam.

00:18:04 --> 00:18:07

Yeah. He would mention something, they would question

00:18:07 --> 00:18:08

him. Right. Right? And then the prophet would

00:18:08 --> 00:18:10

answer. So when I think and that's what

00:18:10 --> 00:18:12

I mentioned. I think we in Islam, especially

00:18:12 --> 00:18:14

particularly in this issue of gender relations,

00:18:15 --> 00:18:16

we need to own a lot of these

00:18:16 --> 00:18:18

terms. So for instance, obedience,

00:18:19 --> 00:18:20

service.

00:18:20 --> 00:18:22

Right? The man does serve his wife.

00:18:22 --> 00:18:24

His protection provision is serving the wife. He

00:18:24 --> 00:18:26

should listen to her, you know, when she

00:18:26 --> 00:18:27

mentions something because she is the mother of

00:18:27 --> 00:18:30

his children. Like, that's a lofty position.

00:18:30 --> 00:18:31

Housewife

00:18:32 --> 00:18:33

is a is a word that has been

00:18:33 --> 00:18:34

robbed

00:18:35 --> 00:18:36

by secularism,

00:18:36 --> 00:18:37

by feminism,

00:18:37 --> 00:18:39

and I think primarily from the sexual revolution,

00:18:39 --> 00:18:41

starting from there in the birth control pill.

00:18:42 --> 00:18:44

The housewife is in is a lofty

00:18:44 --> 00:18:46

position in Islam.

00:18:46 --> 00:18:48

It's a lofty position. I'd like to hear

00:18:48 --> 00:18:50

what y'all just say because I think from

00:18:50 --> 00:18:52

that and I think there there's there's Tawfiq.

00:18:52 --> 00:18:54

I think there's a synergy between what you

00:18:54 --> 00:18:56

mentioned with it, which y'all mentioned with because

00:18:56 --> 00:18:57

this therapist,

00:18:58 --> 00:18:59

when he comes in and he says she's

00:18:59 --> 00:19:00

not listening to me, oh, yeah. That's because

00:19:00 --> 00:19:02

he's stoic. Yeah. I understand

00:19:03 --> 00:19:05

that that's because men are this.

00:19:06 --> 00:19:07

They're I mean, being a therapist doesn't accept

00:19:07 --> 00:19:08

it's not that simple.

00:19:09 --> 00:19:10

Right? Is that what you all are kind

00:19:10 --> 00:19:12

of alluding to that,

00:19:12 --> 00:19:15

yes, I understand those general nuances that take

00:19:15 --> 00:19:16

place with the fit through in the biology

00:19:16 --> 00:19:18

of the men, but I won't allow that

00:19:18 --> 00:19:19

to dictate

00:19:20 --> 00:19:22

how I I asked him earlier, is therapized?

00:19:22 --> 00:19:24

Is that a verb? We can make it

00:19:24 --> 00:19:25

a verb.

00:19:25 --> 00:19:26

It makes you happy.

00:19:27 --> 00:19:30

It makes me happy. So theropize. I don't

00:19:30 --> 00:19:31

know what we're gonna I don't wanna get

00:19:31 --> 00:19:33

you out of trouble, but I was gonna

00:19:33 --> 00:19:35

join us in this. Idea

00:19:36 --> 00:19:39

of how it looks individualistic. You mentioned it

00:19:39 --> 00:19:41

in in part 1 actually. Mhmm. That's where

00:19:41 --> 00:19:43

I think you gave the example of

00:19:43 --> 00:19:46

a husband that makes less than his wife,

00:19:46 --> 00:19:48

and the wife makes a lot more money,

00:19:48 --> 00:19:49

but she's still

00:19:50 --> 00:19:52

giving that leadership role to him.

00:19:52 --> 00:19:54

So there's a financial difference there, but that

00:19:54 --> 00:19:55

leadership role is

00:19:56 --> 00:19:57

So there's a general aspect of leadership and

00:19:57 --> 00:19:58

then the individualist

00:19:58 --> 00:20:00

individual aspect of how it kind of fits

00:20:00 --> 00:20:03

into here. Is that the manifestation of individualist

00:20:03 --> 00:20:04

that you Yeah. That's kind of what I

00:20:05 --> 00:20:06

I I I do. And I I'll I'll

00:20:06 --> 00:20:08

speak on myself. Right? Like, I I think

00:20:08 --> 00:20:09

that,

00:20:09 --> 00:20:11

and maybe this is this is a fit

00:20:11 --> 00:20:12

for it. I think part of Bawama

00:20:12 --> 00:20:14

is is a, Hikma in leadership,

00:20:15 --> 00:20:16

but also a sense of altruism.

00:20:17 --> 00:20:19

Right? Mhmm. Like I I I think that

00:20:19 --> 00:20:21

Of course. You know, a good man

00:20:21 --> 00:20:24

will be able to look at his wife

00:20:24 --> 00:20:26

and kids having fun.

00:20:26 --> 00:20:27

You know, maybe just running around in, you

00:20:27 --> 00:20:29

know, playground or something like this. Knowing that,

00:20:29 --> 00:20:32

alhamdulillah, like, you know, I'm able to provide

00:20:32 --> 00:20:34

this life for them through halal means. And

00:20:34 --> 00:20:36

that's his happiness. He's not asking for anything

00:20:36 --> 00:20:37

else back Oh, yes. But that. You know

00:20:37 --> 00:20:38

what I'm saying? Like, I I don't know

00:20:38 --> 00:20:40

if you ever had those moments where you're

00:20:40 --> 00:20:41

just like What do you mean? What do

00:20:41 --> 00:20:41

you mean? What do you mean? What do

00:20:41 --> 00:20:41

you mean? What do you mean? What do

00:20:41 --> 00:20:41

you mean? What do you mean? What do

00:20:41 --> 00:20:41

you mean? What do you mean? What do

00:20:41 --> 00:20:41

you mean? What do you mean? What do

00:20:41 --> 00:20:41

you mean? What do you mean? What do

00:20:41 --> 00:20:42

you mean?

00:20:50 --> 00:20:52

That is beautiful, man. Oh my god. It's

00:20:52 --> 00:20:54

so beautiful. SubhanAllah. Yeah.

00:20:54 --> 00:20:56

That's beautiful when you just see your face.

00:20:56 --> 00:20:57

I remember I was with my father-in-law

00:20:58 --> 00:20:59

in the Medina, and

00:21:01 --> 00:21:02

I mean,

00:21:03 --> 00:21:04

may Allah bless him. He has a big

00:21:04 --> 00:21:05

family. I'll just leave it at that. He

00:21:05 --> 00:21:07

has a he has a big family.

00:21:07 --> 00:21:08

So he had like

00:21:09 --> 00:21:11

at least 10 grandchildren.

00:21:12 --> 00:21:13

No. He has 10 children

00:21:14 --> 00:21:16

and then, like, about 15 to 20 grandchildren

00:21:16 --> 00:21:18

who were all in the room. They're all

00:21:18 --> 00:21:20

running around. Like, the sisters were outside, but

00:21:20 --> 00:21:20

the brothers

00:21:21 --> 00:21:22

so I looked at him. I looked at

00:21:22 --> 00:21:24

him. I said, I said, I said, I

00:21:24 --> 00:21:26

was like, all of that is because of

00:21:26 --> 00:21:26

you.

00:21:27 --> 00:21:28

And, you know, as a man, he looked

00:21:28 --> 00:21:29

like he was like

00:21:30 --> 00:21:33

I was like, I was like jealous, but

00:21:33 --> 00:21:35

it was just beautiful because you see all

00:21:35 --> 00:21:36

of them, you know.

00:21:36 --> 00:21:38

Nasalallah Aafil As Salaam. We ask Allah for

00:21:38 --> 00:21:40

health. Oh, yeah. They're all healthy. They're all

00:21:40 --> 00:21:42

screaming and running and being troublesome and bring

00:21:42 --> 00:21:45

you know, knocking over the the tea and

00:21:46 --> 00:21:47

and it's a beautiful moment. You know? It's

00:21:47 --> 00:21:49

it's a beautiful I'm so glad you mentioned

00:21:49 --> 00:21:50

that. I I love a loud house, by

00:21:50 --> 00:21:52

the way. I love I just it's a

00:21:52 --> 00:21:54

lot. I love a loud mushed too. It's

00:21:54 --> 00:21:56

a lot. You know? You know? Supana lot.

00:21:56 --> 00:21:58

So okay. So we we we talked about

00:21:58 --> 00:22:00

during the marriage. Okay. You know, mentally, you

00:22:00 --> 00:22:02

know, there may be some bad expectations, but

00:22:02 --> 00:22:04

it's very important as you all mentioned, you

00:22:04 --> 00:22:06

know, you can't generalize

00:22:06 --> 00:22:08

as well. And then the man needs to

00:22:08 --> 00:22:10

really take a step back particularly and think

00:22:10 --> 00:22:11

of what is that,

00:22:12 --> 00:22:14

the bad thoughts that he has, and he

00:22:14 --> 00:22:16

has to kind of unpack that. Or that's

00:22:16 --> 00:22:18

where we all come into, unpack that,

00:22:18 --> 00:22:20

challenging the truth, putting the truth to trial.

00:22:20 --> 00:22:22

It's important for men to be to be

00:22:22 --> 00:22:24

humble and that's a process,

00:22:25 --> 00:22:27

and it's a challenge. But Allah Subhanahu Wa

00:22:27 --> 00:22:27

Ta'ala

00:22:27 --> 00:22:28

loves that.

00:22:29 --> 00:22:31

Now during their marriage as well,

00:22:32 --> 00:22:33

people come into the office and

00:22:34 --> 00:22:36

you know there may have been some expectations

00:22:36 --> 00:22:37

on intimacy.

00:22:40 --> 00:22:41

Right?

00:22:41 --> 00:22:42

I'll give one example.

00:22:44 --> 00:22:46

A man gets married, and,

00:22:48 --> 00:22:50

the night of the marriage I think let's

00:22:50 --> 00:22:51

just start the night of the marriage, expectation

00:22:51 --> 00:22:53

of the night of marriage.

00:22:53 --> 00:22:54

He has a box.

00:22:55 --> 00:22:57

In this box, he opens the box and

00:22:57 --> 00:22:59

it's a tire. I'll just leave it there.

00:23:00 --> 00:23:01

It's a certain type of attire that he's

00:23:01 --> 00:23:02

expecting.

00:23:02 --> 00:23:03

The sister got scared.

00:23:04 --> 00:23:05

Right?

00:23:05 --> 00:23:07

And he was slightly frustrated.

00:23:08 --> 00:23:11

When I'm hearing this, I'm thinking immediately, okay,

00:23:11 --> 00:23:12

why is your expectation

00:23:14 --> 00:23:15

this immediately?

00:23:17 --> 00:23:18

I think it's very important,

00:23:18 --> 00:23:20

you know, on the first night you'll find

00:23:20 --> 00:23:23

because we had another episode. You know, let's

00:23:23 --> 00:23:24

be frank. I mean, a lot of our

00:23:24 --> 00:23:27

young men, they're watching *. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm.

00:23:27 --> 00:23:28

And that *

00:23:28 --> 00:23:29

sets a certain expectation

00:23:30 --> 00:23:32

on the female. Right.

00:23:32 --> 00:23:34

And he may not even realize because he's

00:23:34 --> 00:23:36

so engulfed in that, and marriage for him

00:23:36 --> 00:23:39

was like, alright. Now it's on. Yeah. Right?

00:23:40 --> 00:23:42

And she's looking at him like he's

00:23:42 --> 00:23:44

an animal. And that's a total

00:23:45 --> 00:23:47

I wanna use turn off, but it's just

00:23:47 --> 00:23:48

it's it's concerning.

00:23:48 --> 00:23:49

Right?

00:23:49 --> 00:23:51

What have you all seen in regards to

00:23:51 --> 00:23:53

that? I mean, like during the marriage or

00:23:53 --> 00:23:53

the first night,

00:23:54 --> 00:23:56

what have you all seen or heard or,

00:23:56 --> 00:23:57

you know, dealt with in this regard?

00:23:58 --> 00:23:59

Right. So,

00:23:59 --> 00:24:01

I mean, a a few things. Right?

00:24:02 --> 00:24:04

Like, you mentioned *. Right? So *

00:24:04 --> 00:24:07

throws away the entire idea of foreplay.

00:24:08 --> 00:24:09

Right? And Can you explain what that is?

00:24:09 --> 00:24:10

Yeah.

00:24:10 --> 00:24:11

For foreplay,

00:24:11 --> 00:24:13

you know, leading up to just

00:24:13 --> 00:24:15

penetration. Right? Mhmm.

00:24:15 --> 00:24:17

When when people watch *

00:24:18 --> 00:24:20

they skip scenes and they skip to like

00:24:20 --> 00:24:22

the that's not how intimacy works. There's a

00:24:22 --> 00:24:24

warm up period. There's like, you know, biologically

00:24:24 --> 00:24:26

there's a difference in how quickly a man

00:24:26 --> 00:24:28

gets aroused versus how quickly a woman gets

00:24:28 --> 00:24:29

aroused. Right?

00:24:30 --> 00:24:32

And you know that you're talking about communication,

00:24:32 --> 00:24:34

that's something that has to be communicated and

00:24:34 --> 00:24:36

we shouldn't be shy. Like, first talk about

00:24:36 --> 00:24:38

it like just in general. Right? There has

00:24:38 --> 00:24:40

to be a great, like, * education,

00:24:40 --> 00:24:41

curriculum. One of my one of my friends

00:24:41 --> 00:24:43

I don't know, Habib Akindi. And he he

00:24:43 --> 00:24:44

but he talks quite a bit about that.

00:24:44 --> 00:24:46

He, you know, brings it back to different,

00:24:46 --> 00:24:49

you know, examples like works of Ibn Hazem

00:24:49 --> 00:24:50

or Hamillah and so on and just The

00:24:50 --> 00:24:53

LUT. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Right?

00:24:53 --> 00:24:53

So,

00:24:55 --> 00:24:57

you know, you know, communicating and learning that

00:24:57 --> 00:24:58

process. Right?

00:24:59 --> 00:25:01

There I I I've seen

00:25:02 --> 00:25:03

I don't have any statistics compared to like

00:25:03 --> 00:25:05

previous, but I have seen cases of,

00:25:07 --> 00:25:07

vaginosis

00:25:08 --> 00:25:08

like, where,

00:25:09 --> 00:25:11

you're familiar with this right? Like where where

00:25:11 --> 00:25:13

the female will have pain during penetration and

00:25:13 --> 00:25:15

there's no other medical reason for it. And

00:25:15 --> 00:25:17

so, there's physical therapy and so on that

00:25:17 --> 00:25:19

helps with that. Right? But then, like, you

00:25:19 --> 00:25:20

know, the guy knowing that okay, this does

00:25:20 --> 00:25:22

exist. Right? And there's no way for the

00:25:22 --> 00:25:25

girl to know that beforehand. Right. Right? Not

00:25:25 --> 00:25:27

a lot. For for the virgin. Right? Right.

00:25:27 --> 00:25:29

You know, being open to having these type

00:25:29 --> 00:25:31

of conversations and so on. Right? And, like

00:25:31 --> 00:25:33

like, even as we're talking about this right

00:25:33 --> 00:25:35

now, like like, I'm like, oh, this is

00:25:35 --> 00:25:36

an Islamic show. I'm single or penetrate. Why

00:25:36 --> 00:25:38

why is that weird for me to say?

00:25:38 --> 00:25:40

You get what I'm saying? Like, that's the

00:25:40 --> 00:25:42

problem. That's the problem. Right. That is the

00:25:42 --> 00:25:44

problem. And Islam does call for you to

00:25:44 --> 00:25:46

be, for lack of better words, mature. No.

00:25:46 --> 00:25:48

Yeah. You know, especially for men because if

00:25:48 --> 00:25:49

they're gonna be the leaders, they have to

00:25:49 --> 00:25:50

be mature and know how to deal with

00:25:50 --> 00:25:52

these situations. Like you mentioned, if it may

00:25:52 --> 00:25:54

have been painful, he may think he's doing

00:25:54 --> 00:25:56

a great thing because of Production. What is

00:25:56 --> 00:25:57

it? Exactly. Right. I'm so glad you mentioned

00:25:57 --> 00:25:59

that. You know, with the forklift. And make

00:25:59 --> 00:26:01

no mistake. I mean, this was in the

00:26:01 --> 00:26:02

time the prophet saw them in different ways.

00:26:02 --> 00:26:04

You know? Yeah. The prophet there was kissing

00:26:04 --> 00:26:05

there. You know, the prophet saw them even

00:26:05 --> 00:26:06

with, Aisha,

00:26:07 --> 00:26:08

you know, she would pass the cup and

00:26:08 --> 00:26:09

he would turn the cup to where he

00:26:09 --> 00:26:11

drank Right. And drank from there. That's a

00:26:11 --> 00:26:13

form of romance. I mean, romance is something

00:26:13 --> 00:26:15

that is very much very important. Right. You

00:26:15 --> 00:26:16

see

00:26:16 --> 00:26:18

this many sununah the prophet

00:26:18 --> 00:26:20

for for young men to understand. And like

00:26:20 --> 00:26:21

you're saying, the skipping, the foreplay,

00:26:22 --> 00:26:23

that's from Allah.

00:26:23 --> 00:26:25

Right. Right. And and, you know, as a

00:26:25 --> 00:26:27

man, there's a pride that you have in

00:26:27 --> 00:26:29

that and that you're able to please your

00:26:29 --> 00:26:30

spouse in that manner. Right. Right? Right. Not

00:26:30 --> 00:26:32

just relieve yourself, but please your spouse. Like,

00:26:32 --> 00:26:35

there's you feel better. You should feel better.

00:26:35 --> 00:26:37

Exactly. Right? Exactly. And that's that's completely antithetical

00:26:37 --> 00:26:39

to, like, what * teaches. So Exactly. It's

00:26:39 --> 00:26:41

kinda like From what I've seen, like,

00:26:41 --> 00:26:43

on the marriage night,

00:26:43 --> 00:26:46

there's an expectation of bliss from the guy

00:26:46 --> 00:26:48

Mhmm. And an expectation of fear from the

00:26:48 --> 00:26:50

woman. Have you found that as well? So,

00:26:50 --> 00:26:51

I mean, that that that's that's what,

00:26:52 --> 00:26:54

like leads leads some types of bad menaces.

00:26:54 --> 00:26:55

Right? Like Yeah.

00:26:55 --> 00:26:56

Yeah. Like,

00:26:56 --> 00:26:58

it's it's true sometimes. Yes. That that is

00:26:59 --> 00:27:01

That is tense. Yeah. Yeah. And just the

00:27:02 --> 00:27:04

the mismatch between the 2 Right.

00:27:04 --> 00:27:06

That leads to a lot of problems that

00:27:06 --> 00:27:09

could come from. Right. No. No. Absolutely. Absolutely.

00:27:09 --> 00:27:10

So so what will help foster a sense

00:27:10 --> 00:27:12

of safety. Right. And, you know and and

00:27:12 --> 00:27:13

that's, you know

00:27:14 --> 00:27:15

like, okay. We'll we'll we'll get very explicit

00:27:15 --> 00:27:17

here since we you know,

00:27:17 --> 00:27:20

when you're communicating, you can talk during *.

00:27:20 --> 00:27:20

Right? Yes.

00:27:21 --> 00:27:22

Okay. How does this feel? How does this

00:27:22 --> 00:27:24

not feel? It's not gonna be perfect the

00:27:24 --> 00:27:25

first night. Guys who are virgins, girls who

00:27:25 --> 00:27:26

are virgins. It's not gonna be it's it's

00:27:26 --> 00:27:28

supposed to get better over time, but you

00:27:28 --> 00:27:30

learn about each other. You learn about each

00:27:30 --> 00:27:32

other's Together. Together. Yeah. Right? Do you like

00:27:32 --> 00:27:34

this? Do you not like this? You know,

00:27:34 --> 00:27:35

ask questions and then go through it. Yeah.

00:27:35 --> 00:27:37

There's a growth process. There's a growth process.

00:27:37 --> 00:27:39

Exactly. So that expectation that's gonna be fireworks

00:27:39 --> 00:27:40

the first night.

00:27:40 --> 00:27:42

Then let me ask this question. Does there

00:27:42 --> 00:27:43

have to be * the first

00:27:44 --> 00:27:45

night? A few couples delay,

00:27:46 --> 00:27:47

consummation.

00:27:47 --> 00:27:48

Right? So there's, you know,

00:27:49 --> 00:27:51

you know, there's there's foreplay. There's all of

00:27:51 --> 00:27:52

this, but then they did they delay penetration.

00:27:53 --> 00:27:54

And she says I'm just not ready. You

00:27:54 --> 00:27:56

know? She said she's ready. Right? Right. Yeah.

00:27:56 --> 00:27:57

Right. And I said that situation as well

00:27:57 --> 00:27:59

because a brother I remember one brother told

00:27:59 --> 00:28:00

me, he said, yo. We just talked the

00:28:00 --> 00:28:02

whole night till Fudger. Mhmm. And her brothers

00:28:02 --> 00:28:04

are like, what? Yeah. I'm like, what's wrong

00:28:04 --> 00:28:06

with that? If he's if he's if he's

00:28:06 --> 00:28:07

okay with it. Right? No. No. He I

00:28:07 --> 00:28:09

mean, he was mentioning it like Yeah. Yeah.

00:28:09 --> 00:28:10

I think he was mentioning like

00:28:11 --> 00:28:13

you you know, it was beautiful, actually. I

00:28:13 --> 00:28:14

just I just remember what he said. He

00:28:14 --> 00:28:16

said, yeah, we talked the whole night. Some

00:28:16 --> 00:28:17

brothers are like, what? Keefe.

00:28:18 --> 00:28:20

He was like, I didn't even think about

00:28:20 --> 00:28:22

like, our conversation was so good. We were

00:28:22 --> 00:28:24

laughing, and then the Adana fajr went off.

00:28:24 --> 00:28:26

Subhanallah. You know? And it was a beautiful

00:28:26 --> 00:28:27

moment. And

00:28:27 --> 00:28:29

then she felt safe. She told me later

00:28:29 --> 00:28:31

she felt safe after that to be I

00:28:31 --> 00:28:33

bet you an attractive. I bet your future

00:28:33 --> 00:28:35

intimacy was fireworks for them because they made

00:28:35 --> 00:28:38

that emotional connection, because they talked, they communicated.

00:28:38 --> 00:28:40

Yeah. I love it, brother. I think that,

00:28:40 --> 00:28:42

like, that's it. Like, that element

00:28:43 --> 00:28:45

of making her feel safe. Right. And then

00:28:45 --> 00:28:48

that that's all foreplay as well. Exactly. Building

00:28:48 --> 00:28:50

that emotional connection. That's all there. Like, it

00:28:50 --> 00:28:52

doesn't have to be in specific kisses or

00:28:52 --> 00:28:54

things like that. It could just be talking

00:28:54 --> 00:28:55

all night. Right. Right. So just for your

00:28:55 --> 00:28:57

own pleasure. Not just physical. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly.

00:28:57 --> 00:28:58

Physical.

00:28:58 --> 00:29:01

Exactly. All those the senses, just, you know,

00:29:01 --> 00:29:03

and you mentioned earlier, like, what does attract

00:29:03 --> 00:29:05

again, you know, the smells, the the you

00:29:05 --> 00:29:07

know, for men, it's like kinda what they

00:29:07 --> 00:29:08

see. Mhmm. Mhmm. You know, these things that

00:29:08 --> 00:29:10

can bring form of arousal.

00:29:10 --> 00:29:12

The man, if he really wants to take

00:29:12 --> 00:29:13

that role of qalama and leadership,

00:29:14 --> 00:29:15

he has to be the one that you

00:29:15 --> 00:29:17

know, the foreplay for him, it may be

00:29:17 --> 00:29:19

much quicker for him where he gets aroused

00:29:19 --> 00:29:20

and wants to be with her. But for

00:29:20 --> 00:29:22

her, it takes time. And that's and that's

00:29:22 --> 00:29:23

not that is not a flaw in her.

00:29:23 --> 00:29:25

That is how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has

00:29:25 --> 00:29:27

created her. You know, that he has to

00:29:27 --> 00:29:28

be,

00:29:29 --> 00:29:31

some have a level of charisma. Yeah. Have

00:29:31 --> 00:29:32

a level of charisma when when when talking

00:29:32 --> 00:29:34

to her. Okay. So

00:29:34 --> 00:29:35

great first night.

00:29:36 --> 00:29:38

You know, things are working out.

00:29:40 --> 00:29:42

She's complaining that I'm not the guy that

00:29:42 --> 00:29:43

I used to be.

00:29:44 --> 00:29:45

Right?

00:29:46 --> 00:29:48

I don't I walk around the house

00:29:49 --> 00:29:50

with they call it the Bunyan there's a

00:29:50 --> 00:29:52

group here, so they're called Bunyan.

00:29:52 --> 00:29:54

But she gave me the 3rd grade of

00:29:54 --> 00:29:55

my last year. I call it.

00:29:57 --> 00:29:59

Right. It's in the Quran. It's so soft.

00:29:59 --> 00:30:01

Like they are a strong foundation, but y'all

00:30:01 --> 00:30:02

laugh. Y'all are making it. We already do.

00:30:02 --> 00:30:04

Because my son my son asked that same

00:30:04 --> 00:30:06

question. He's like and I literally on that

00:30:06 --> 00:30:07

verse. Right?

00:30:08 --> 00:30:09

Was like, why do they say Bunyan? It's

00:30:09 --> 00:30:11

a Can you share what the audience what

00:30:11 --> 00:30:13

Bunyan is? Like, it's like it's like a

00:30:13 --> 00:30:14

wife being a woman. Don't say that word.

00:30:16 --> 00:30:18

I was like, you would Say that, bro.

00:30:19 --> 00:30:20

No. No. That's

00:30:20 --> 00:30:22

that's horrible. No.

00:30:22 --> 00:30:22

Can

00:30:23 --> 00:30:25

edit that out, man. Sorry. No. Fuck your

00:30:25 --> 00:30:26

shirt, man.

00:30:26 --> 00:30:28

How how else can we describe it? A

00:30:28 --> 00:30:30

tank top under shirt. A tank top under

00:30:30 --> 00:30:32

shirt. Tank top under shirt. Yeah. Okay. That

00:30:32 --> 00:30:34

works. No. But but but,

00:30:34 --> 00:30:36

like, bunion doesn't it can be half sleeve

00:30:36 --> 00:30:37

as well. It doesn't have to be tank

00:30:37 --> 00:30:39

top. Oh, really? It's basically undershirt. It's like

00:30:39 --> 00:30:41

just an undershirt. Undershirt. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

00:30:41 --> 00:30:41

Yeah. It's

00:30:42 --> 00:30:44

but mostly it is the tank top Okay.

00:30:44 --> 00:30:46

Version. So the guy walks around in his

00:30:46 --> 00:30:46

bunion.

00:30:47 --> 00:30:50

Bunyon? Bunyan. Bunyan. Bunyan with mud. Okay.

00:30:50 --> 00:30:51

He walks

00:30:52 --> 00:30:53

around with Bunyan.

00:30:56 --> 00:30:57

She's not attracted to him and she doesn't

00:30:57 --> 00:30:59

tell him why you know what? She may

00:30:59 --> 00:31:00

not even know why she's not attracted to

00:31:00 --> 00:31:01

him.

00:31:01 --> 00:31:03

Have y'all ran into cases to where,

00:31:04 --> 00:31:06

you know, the woman says, I just am

00:31:06 --> 00:31:07

not attracted to him anymore.

00:31:08 --> 00:31:08

And

00:31:09 --> 00:31:10

through therapy,

00:31:11 --> 00:31:13

you find out it's because of the way

00:31:13 --> 00:31:14

he takes care of himself.

00:31:15 --> 00:31:17

Is that common? Is that something that you

00:31:17 --> 00:31:20

have seen? I think we spoke about this

00:31:20 --> 00:31:22

earlier, like, the idea of attraction. Mhmm. Attraction

00:31:22 --> 00:31:24

is something there's an element of it that

00:31:24 --> 00:31:25

is static.

00:31:25 --> 00:31:27

Meaning I am attracted to a person or

00:31:27 --> 00:31:29

I'm not. Okay. But there's an element of

00:31:29 --> 00:31:31

it that's also dynamic, that needs to be

00:31:31 --> 00:31:33

worked on. Okay. There's a verb aspect to

00:31:33 --> 00:31:34

it. You need to put in the work.

00:31:34 --> 00:31:36

You need to put in the effort. And

00:31:36 --> 00:31:38

even if they're not able to articulate it,

00:31:38 --> 00:31:40

I think both sides, like man and woman,

00:31:40 --> 00:31:43

they need to understand that once you're married,

00:31:43 --> 00:31:44

the work's not done.

00:31:44 --> 00:31:46

You got to start. There's a whole different

00:31:46 --> 00:31:48

level of work that starts to maintain and

00:31:48 --> 00:31:52

grow grow that attraction because attraction can grow

00:31:52 --> 00:31:55

after marriage. Okay. Okay. That's not okay. Attraction

00:31:55 --> 00:31:57

can grow. It's not static. There's an element

00:31:57 --> 00:31:58

of it that is not static. There's an

00:31:58 --> 00:32:00

element of it. Reminds me of telling I

00:32:00 --> 00:32:01

was in the gym, and I saw a

00:32:01 --> 00:32:02

brother. He's like, yeah, I'm about to get

00:32:02 --> 00:32:03

married. I said, so you're in the gym

00:32:03 --> 00:32:05

because you're about to get married? He's like,

00:32:05 --> 00:32:07

yeah. I said, well, it doesn't it doesn't

00:32:07 --> 00:32:09

stop there, bro. You know what I'm saying?

00:32:09 --> 00:32:10

Because you get rich, she's gonna make a

00:32:10 --> 00:32:11

lot of food for you. She likes to

00:32:11 --> 00:32:12

make food. And,

00:32:13 --> 00:32:14

it's gonna you know, that beer belly is

00:32:14 --> 00:32:16

gonna cut that belly that'd be really stuck

00:32:16 --> 00:32:18

for a lot. That basbousa belly or the

00:32:18 --> 00:32:19

baklava belly

00:32:20 --> 00:32:22

is going to protrude or it may come

00:32:22 --> 00:32:24

out in other places that may cause you

00:32:24 --> 00:32:27

to buy bigger sizes of pants or maybe

00:32:27 --> 00:32:27

shirts.

00:32:28 --> 00:32:30

And she may not like that, man. So,

00:32:30 --> 00:32:32

you know, during the marriage,

00:32:32 --> 00:32:34

you you mentioned the attraction. So the man

00:32:34 --> 00:32:36

has to work on himself,

00:32:37 --> 00:32:38

I guess Mhmm. Physically.

00:32:39 --> 00:32:41

Does that lessen the attraction

00:32:41 --> 00:32:43

if he's not keeping himself upkept?

00:32:44 --> 00:32:46

I mean, even outside of the belly. Yeah.

00:32:46 --> 00:32:47

Yeah. I mean, what It's just the way

00:32:47 --> 00:32:49

you dress clean clean it work it works

00:32:49 --> 00:32:51

both ways. Right? Right.

00:32:51 --> 00:32:54

Our parents' generation, I feel like they they

00:32:54 --> 00:32:56

they you've seen uncles. Right?

00:32:56 --> 00:32:58

You're not gonna see most uncles in sweatpants

00:32:58 --> 00:33:00

and a t shirt. Yeah. Right? They they

00:33:00 --> 00:33:01

they do they do it right. You know?

00:33:01 --> 00:33:03

How about how? It's like, yep. You know

00:33:03 --> 00:33:04

what I'm talking about? Even, like, the older

00:33:04 --> 00:33:07

uncles, masha'Allah. It's always a dress shirt, pants.

00:33:07 --> 00:33:10

There's just something dignified. They'll go to Walmart

00:33:10 --> 00:33:12

and wear that. Mhmm. You know? Okay. You're

00:33:12 --> 00:33:14

not gonna see them in, like, you know,

00:33:14 --> 00:33:15

like like like flip flops and this and

00:33:15 --> 00:33:17

that. It's it's it's always, like, so there's

00:33:17 --> 00:33:18

the you know what I'm saying? Right? I

00:33:18 --> 00:33:20

was gonna say, like, my dad.

00:33:21 --> 00:33:22

I was thinking about my dad too. Yeah.

00:33:22 --> 00:33:23

Yeah. Every time he goes out like, he

00:33:23 --> 00:33:25

could be going out to CBS, which is

00:33:25 --> 00:33:27

down the street, to get something for my

00:33:27 --> 00:33:29

mom. I saw that look. He'll put on

00:33:29 --> 00:33:31

a dress shirt, dress pants, look all nice,

00:33:31 --> 00:33:33

cologne, everything, and then go out and then

00:33:33 --> 00:33:35

be back in 5 minutes, and he's done.

00:33:35 --> 00:33:36

What does that signify, though? What what does

00:33:36 --> 00:33:38

that signify? Takes care of him. What are

00:33:38 --> 00:33:39

y'all telling us? He's take care he takes

00:33:39 --> 00:33:40

care of him. He has a he has

00:33:40 --> 00:33:41

a level of,

00:33:43 --> 00:33:45

dignity in him that pushes him to look

00:33:45 --> 00:33:48

a certain way, behave a certain way, especially

00:33:48 --> 00:33:50

in front of his in his wife, my

00:33:50 --> 00:33:52

mom. Right. So he wants her to see

00:33:52 --> 00:33:53

that, okay, even if I'm going out just

00:33:53 --> 00:33:55

to get you something small for 5 minutes

00:33:55 --> 00:33:58

Mhmm. Mhmm. I'm doing it with Ehsan

00:33:58 --> 00:34:00

in the best possible way. So I I've

00:34:00 --> 00:34:02

seen that, and and I love that one.

00:34:02 --> 00:34:05

Yeah. Great. Great. Mhmm. That's something that, like,

00:34:05 --> 00:34:07

our generation, younger generation can take from and

00:34:07 --> 00:34:09

and learn from that and implement that as

00:34:09 --> 00:34:11

well. Right. Right. That's very interesting. Yeah. That's

00:34:11 --> 00:34:12

very interesting. So

00:34:12 --> 00:34:14

being upkept even,

00:34:14 --> 00:34:16

you know, in in the house, you know,

00:34:16 --> 00:34:16

SubhanAllah.

00:34:17 --> 00:34:18

Right.

00:34:19 --> 00:34:20

You know, he loves beauty.

00:34:21 --> 00:34:24

So okay. So during the marriage so keeping

00:34:24 --> 00:34:25

up, staying yourself,

00:34:25 --> 00:34:27

you know, making sure you're looking clean even

00:34:27 --> 00:34:29

when you're in the house, even around your

00:34:29 --> 00:34:31

wife because the attraction is not static. It

00:34:31 --> 00:34:34

it can grow even within the marriage. Right?

00:34:34 --> 00:34:35

What about with the character

00:34:36 --> 00:34:37

of the husband?

00:34:37 --> 00:34:39

What are some things that will make him

00:34:39 --> 00:34:42

more attractive or that can lessen the attraction?

00:34:42 --> 00:34:43

And there's one word I want to use

00:34:43 --> 00:34:44

here, resentment.

00:34:45 --> 00:34:46

What are some of the things that can

00:34:46 --> 00:34:48

cause the wife to resent him

00:34:49 --> 00:34:50

during the marriage

00:34:51 --> 00:34:52

that he wasn't doing from before?

00:34:53 --> 00:34:54

Like when they first got married it was

00:34:54 --> 00:34:56

great, but now that he's married he's been

00:34:56 --> 00:34:59

lackadaisical. We talked about cloneness. We talked about

00:34:59 --> 00:35:00

is he fit. But what about with his

00:35:00 --> 00:35:02

character? What are some things that you have

00:35:02 --> 00:35:04

seen? What would you advise in this regard?

00:35:04 --> 00:35:05

Rigidity.

00:35:05 --> 00:35:07

Rigidity. Okay. Being rough. Yeah.

00:35:08 --> 00:35:10

Being rough and flexible. Right? Mhmm. Lack of

00:35:10 --> 00:35:11

willingness to understand.

00:35:12 --> 00:35:13

You know,

00:35:13 --> 00:35:15

you you you've seen this, like, not not

00:35:15 --> 00:35:16

just in marriage therapy, but, like, you know,

00:35:16 --> 00:35:19

with kids, with teenagers, with your students. Right?

00:35:19 --> 00:35:19

Mhmm.

00:35:20 --> 00:35:21

We all

00:35:21 --> 00:35:22

desire to be understood.

00:35:23 --> 00:35:25

You don't have to agree with me. Just

00:35:25 --> 00:35:26

understand me.

00:35:26 --> 00:35:28

That's across the board. Right?

00:35:28 --> 00:35:31

Very basic principle in relationships in general. In

00:35:31 --> 00:35:32

order to

00:35:33 --> 00:35:35

be understood, in order to receive

00:35:35 --> 00:35:36

excuse me, in order to receive understanding, you

00:35:36 --> 00:35:37

have to give understanding.

00:35:38 --> 00:35:40

Okay. And when the person knows that you're

00:35:40 --> 00:35:42

willing to have that hosnadhan, and like, okay,

00:35:42 --> 00:35:44

I don't fully get it, but I'm willing

00:35:44 --> 00:35:46

to understand why this bothers you. I might

00:35:46 --> 00:35:47

not even agree with you a 100%, but

00:35:47 --> 00:35:50

I'm willing to understand what bothers you about

00:35:50 --> 00:35:52

this. Right? Mhmm. And the more you see

00:35:52 --> 00:35:54

that flexibility in me, the more you're willing

00:35:54 --> 00:35:54

to give it back.

00:35:55 --> 00:35:57

Okay. Okay. You know? Okay. And,

00:35:58 --> 00:35:59

you know, it it goes along with, like,

00:35:59 --> 00:36:01

healthy communication. So this is this is one

00:36:01 --> 00:36:02

thing that I I teach a lot in

00:36:02 --> 00:36:04

premarital counseling, but it comes up quite a

00:36:04 --> 00:36:06

bit in marriage counseling. People fall into 2

00:36:07 --> 00:36:09

general categories when it comes to dealing with

00:36:09 --> 00:36:11

upset feelings. Right?

00:36:11 --> 00:36:13

You're either a

00:36:13 --> 00:36:16

problem solving first person or an understanding first

00:36:16 --> 00:36:17

person. So let me define that real quick.

00:36:17 --> 00:36:20

Okay. So a problem solving first person,

00:36:20 --> 00:36:23

the way their nervous system is wired is

00:36:23 --> 00:36:25

when they are frustrated, when they like, you

00:36:25 --> 00:36:27

lose your job, you get into a fight

00:36:27 --> 00:36:28

with a family member,

00:36:28 --> 00:36:30

you know, you feel a certain way.

00:36:30 --> 00:36:32

What calms me down is solutions.

00:36:32 --> 00:36:34

Right? I don't really need a pat on

00:36:34 --> 00:36:35

the back, but I need to know, okay,

00:36:35 --> 00:36:37

what are the next steps? How do we,

00:36:37 --> 00:36:38

you know, get get out of this? Like,

00:36:38 --> 00:36:39

do I have to go on LinkedIn? Do

00:36:39 --> 00:36:40

I have to do this? Do I have

00:36:40 --> 00:36:41

to do that? Right? Mhmm. What are we

00:36:41 --> 00:36:42

gonna do differently,

00:36:43 --> 00:36:44

moving forward?

00:36:44 --> 00:36:45

Understanding first people,

00:36:46 --> 00:36:48

they're also very rational, reasonable, so on, or

00:36:48 --> 00:36:50

willing to be that way. But they first

00:36:50 --> 00:36:52

need to be understood. They need to be

00:36:52 --> 00:36:53

heard. Right. Should be heard. I'll I'll give

00:36:53 --> 00:36:55

you a very personal example. So I was

00:36:55 --> 00:36:56

a I was a single dad for a

00:36:56 --> 00:36:58

number of years. Right? And so I I

00:36:58 --> 00:36:59

I remember,

00:37:00 --> 00:37:00

like

00:37:01 --> 00:37:03

a desi kid always we always struggle with,

00:37:03 --> 00:37:04

like, food. And, like, for some reason, like,

00:37:04 --> 00:37:06

you know, our our kids are generally, like,

00:37:06 --> 00:37:08

smaller. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And so, like, you

00:37:08 --> 00:37:09

know, my son's giving me all this trouble

00:37:09 --> 00:37:11

about eating and I'm, like, going around, like,

00:37:11 --> 00:37:13

trying to, like, you know, he's underweight, so

00:37:13 --> 00:37:14

on. And so I asked I asked my

00:37:14 --> 00:37:16

best friend. I was like, man what do

00:37:16 --> 00:37:17

you do that I'm not doing? And so

00:37:17 --> 00:37:18

on. I'm just like venting

00:37:18 --> 00:37:19

and,

00:37:20 --> 00:37:22

because I'm very much an understanding first person.

00:37:22 --> 00:37:23

Mhmm. All he said to me

00:37:23 --> 00:37:25

was Usman, your situation is tough.

00:37:26 --> 00:37:28

I started tearing up.

00:37:29 --> 00:37:31

Mhmm. Where's the solution in that? No solution

00:37:31 --> 00:37:33

in that. How many times do our spouses

00:37:33 --> 00:37:36

just need to hear that? Like man that

00:37:36 --> 00:37:38

that was rough. Like okay my mom spoke

00:37:38 --> 00:37:38

to you that way?

00:37:39 --> 00:37:40

Damn it. That shouldn't have happened. You know?

00:37:40 --> 00:37:43

I'm really sorry that happened. Mhmm. I'm not

00:37:43 --> 00:37:44

gonna sit there and explain. No. No. No.

00:37:44 --> 00:37:45

But she meant this and she meant that

00:37:45 --> 00:37:47

and you're just a bad person for misunderstanding

00:37:47 --> 00:37:50

it. Right? Not gonna lose anything by just

00:37:50 --> 00:37:50

saying, like,

00:37:51 --> 00:37:52

I'm sorry that happened.

00:37:52 --> 00:37:53

Mhmm. You know?

00:37:54 --> 00:37:56

Mhmm. That like, that meant that I felt

00:37:56 --> 00:37:57

like a mountain lifted off my shoulders. The

00:37:57 --> 00:37:58

next day I looked up a dietitian.

00:37:59 --> 00:37:59

That I felt so much more in control.

00:37:59 --> 00:38:00

In control? Yeah. Because of that empathy. Exactly.

00:38:05 --> 00:38:06

Wow. Exactly.

00:38:07 --> 00:38:09

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. I said something lacking a

00:38:09 --> 00:38:11

lot in I mean, I so now now

00:38:11 --> 00:38:13

I'm generalizing. Right? But that that is that

00:38:13 --> 00:38:15

is lacking in brothers sometimes where, you know,

00:38:15 --> 00:38:17

they they they they say, like, well,

00:38:17 --> 00:38:19

you know, all she wants to do is

00:38:19 --> 00:38:21

complain and so on. Right? Okay. Okay. Maybe

00:38:21 --> 00:38:23

she's looking for that understanding. And once she

00:38:23 --> 00:38:25

gets it, like and it's it's

00:38:25 --> 00:38:28

it's not expensive to give. Right? Right. Right.

00:38:29 --> 00:38:31

Things seem to resolve themselves relatively quickly.

00:38:32 --> 00:38:34

So so so so during marriage, wife comes

00:38:34 --> 00:38:35

home. She's complaining.

00:38:36 --> 00:38:37

And I'm I'm not using the words I'm

00:38:37 --> 00:38:40

not using this word complaining to shun sisters,

00:38:41 --> 00:38:42

but she's venting.

00:38:42 --> 00:38:45

Right? About something or someone or something.

00:38:45 --> 00:38:47

Even certain scholars mentioned that

00:38:48 --> 00:38:50

it's not truly considered ghiba, backbiting,

00:38:51 --> 00:38:53

if you are venting to someone that can

00:38:53 --> 00:38:54

help.

00:38:54 --> 00:38:56

So when the wife comes home and talks

00:38:56 --> 00:38:57

about what happened at work with a couple

00:38:57 --> 00:38:58

of sisters,

00:38:59 --> 00:39:00

you're saying in this particular situation, if he's

00:39:00 --> 00:39:02

an understanding first person or to be an

00:39:02 --> 00:39:05

understanding first person is just to sit and

00:39:05 --> 00:39:05

to listen

00:39:06 --> 00:39:07

and to maybe say I understand.

00:39:08 --> 00:39:10

No. No. No. Like to try and understand.

00:39:10 --> 00:39:12

Right? Right. To try and, you know,

00:39:13 --> 00:39:14

I don't have to fully agree with you,

00:39:14 --> 00:39:15

but I'm acknowledging your

00:39:16 --> 00:39:18

the, like, your abilities. Like, you're you're not

00:39:18 --> 00:39:20

crazy. There are others normalcy and rational human

00:39:20 --> 00:39:21

beings who would be just as upset as

00:39:21 --> 00:39:23

you. I might not be one of them.

00:39:23 --> 00:39:24

Mhmm. But there are other people who are

00:39:24 --> 00:39:25

there, so you're not crazy for the way

00:39:25 --> 00:39:27

you're feeling. Right. So to I mean, things

00:39:27 --> 00:39:28

to say because some guys wouldn't know what

00:39:28 --> 00:39:30

to say. They they probably wanna they probably

00:39:30 --> 00:39:31

try to work like, I wanna say this,

00:39:31 --> 00:39:33

but I know she doesn't want a solution.

00:39:34 --> 00:39:36

Right. So they should say is, like Yeah.

00:39:36 --> 00:39:37

I get it. I understand. Oh, wow. Well,

00:39:37 --> 00:39:39

yeah. Maybe not I get it. I understand

00:39:39 --> 00:39:40

because that's you don't know

00:39:40 --> 00:39:41

where that's going. Where's it going? Where's it

00:39:41 --> 00:39:41

going? I was gonna I was gonna say,

00:39:41 --> 00:39:42

like, tact.

00:39:47 --> 00:39:48

What what what does he say? You know,

00:39:48 --> 00:39:49

because a lot of guys they wanna solve

00:39:49 --> 00:39:51

the problem. Right? And, you know, sometimes it's

00:39:51 --> 00:39:53

happened like, I don't want you to solve

00:39:53 --> 00:39:54

my problem. Just want you to listen.

00:39:55 --> 00:39:56

I'm just gonna be quiet. Didn't you come

00:39:56 --> 00:39:58

to give us some advice? I'm your husband.

00:39:58 --> 00:39:59

I'm I'm supposed to solve. I'm the best

00:39:59 --> 00:40:01

person. Leader listening, like, thinking that my marriage

00:40:01 --> 00:40:02

is hard. I don't know what to do

00:40:02 --> 00:40:04

this anymore. It does take effort. It does

00:40:04 --> 00:40:06

take effort, but, like, man, when once you

00:40:06 --> 00:40:08

got it down, man, there's nothing more beautiful

00:40:08 --> 00:40:09

in the world than that. So it takes

00:40:09 --> 00:40:10

effort to be quiet.

00:40:11 --> 00:40:12

Right? It takes the effort to, like, hold

00:40:12 --> 00:40:14

down your ego, but Hold down your ego.

00:40:14 --> 00:40:15

The

00:40:15 --> 00:40:18

understanding person person first, like,

00:40:19 --> 00:40:21

I I can see it as they're the

00:40:21 --> 00:40:23

one who's in the situation, in the problem,

00:40:24 --> 00:40:26

in the difficulty, and they're venting. Or they

00:40:26 --> 00:40:28

need some company in the dark place that

00:40:28 --> 00:40:30

they're in. Mhmm. That's what it is. They

00:40:30 --> 00:40:32

want some company in that area that they're

00:40:32 --> 00:40:33

in, that difficulty.

00:40:33 --> 00:40:35

And they want someone to understand that, okay,

00:40:35 --> 00:40:36

I'm in this area. I'm in this place.

00:40:36 --> 00:40:37

And just

00:40:38 --> 00:40:38

understand,

00:40:39 --> 00:40:41

understand that I'm not alone in this.

00:40:42 --> 00:40:43

And if someone just comes in and says

00:40:43 --> 00:40:45

exactly that, like I get it. This is

00:40:45 --> 00:40:46

tough.

00:40:47 --> 00:40:48

You have the company in that place.

00:40:49 --> 00:40:51

And you you feel like you're not alone.

00:40:52 --> 00:40:53

Mhmm. And I think understanding

00:40:54 --> 00:40:56

for as a as a vast generalization,

00:40:56 --> 00:40:59

generally it's women that are more understanding first.

00:40:59 --> 00:41:00

Very generally speaking.

00:41:01 --> 00:41:03

And if a if a husband can come

00:41:03 --> 00:41:04

in and just

00:41:05 --> 00:41:08

try to put himself to where she is

00:41:08 --> 00:41:10

and understand how she is feeling

00:41:11 --> 00:41:12

and verbalize that back,

00:41:13 --> 00:41:14

a lot of times that's enough.

00:41:15 --> 00:41:17

Mhmm. What do you think about that? Yeah.

00:41:17 --> 00:41:19

No. No. Absolutely. A 100%. It's it's it's

00:41:20 --> 00:41:22

and and people who pride themselves on logic.

00:41:22 --> 00:41:25

Right? If that is the thing that's gonna

00:41:25 --> 00:41:27

get the results fastest, then do that. Yeah.

00:41:27 --> 00:41:29

You know? That's the more logical thing. So

00:41:29 --> 00:41:30

you can still be as manly so I

00:41:30 --> 00:41:31

don't mean to say that, but Yeah. No.

00:41:31 --> 00:41:33

No. No. Seriously. It's like, if you're if

00:41:33 --> 00:41:35

you're a logical person, then, you know, learn

00:41:35 --> 00:41:37

to speak her language. That's the more logical

00:41:37 --> 00:41:39

thing instead of just pushing back and trying

00:41:39 --> 00:41:41

to bend that rib. Right? Like Mhmm.

00:41:42 --> 00:41:44

Yeah. Beautiful. I was gonna say I used

00:41:44 --> 00:41:45

to know. I have to mention the hadith,

00:41:45 --> 00:41:47

the prophet of Islam. That's cool. It's a

00:41:47 --> 00:41:49

beautiful hadith that you mentioned. You know, the

00:41:49 --> 00:41:50

prophet of Islam, you said,

00:41:54 --> 00:41:56

Adam, that the woman was created from the

00:41:56 --> 00:41:57

rib of Adam. And then he said something

00:41:57 --> 00:41:59

so beautiful. He said, if you were to

00:41:59 --> 00:42:00

strike try to straighten

00:42:01 --> 00:42:03

it out, you would break it. Mhmm. You

00:42:03 --> 00:42:04

You would break her. So don't try to

00:42:04 --> 00:42:06

straighten her out and change who she is

00:42:07 --> 00:42:08

because you would rarely break her just like

00:42:08 --> 00:42:09

you tried to straighten out a rib. It's

00:42:09 --> 00:42:10

not it's impossible.

00:42:11 --> 00:42:12

You can't do that. So with the 5th

00:42:12 --> 00:42:14

run, the way that she is, you know,

00:42:14 --> 00:42:16

don't try to make her solve the problems

00:42:16 --> 00:42:17

your way as you mentioned.

00:42:18 --> 00:42:20

Is that a process to learn? Because the

00:42:20 --> 00:42:22

other first person, is there a role? Does

00:42:22 --> 00:42:24

that have validity in a relationship as well?

00:42:24 --> 00:42:26

You said there's Right. So so this is

00:42:26 --> 00:42:27

this is based on, a theory that actually

00:42:27 --> 00:42:27

might one of my professors back in grad

00:42:27 --> 00:42:27

school came up with this called pragmatic experiential

00:42:27 --> 00:42:28

therapy for couples.

00:42:35 --> 00:42:36

I like it because it's one of those

00:42:36 --> 00:42:38

it's like like cognitive behavioral therapy. It's easy

00:42:38 --> 00:42:40

to teach. It's easy to to learn.

00:42:41 --> 00:42:43

It it's it's very evidence based. So it's

00:42:43 --> 00:42:45

backed by like finding xenonoscience and so on.

00:42:45 --> 00:42:45

Right?

00:42:46 --> 00:42:49

But the idea is that the overwhelming majority

00:42:49 --> 00:42:51

of, arguments. And I'm not talking about major

00:42:51 --> 00:42:53

things like infidelity and abuse and, you know,

00:42:53 --> 00:42:55

all of this, but the over of the

00:42:55 --> 00:42:57

overwhelming majority of arguments

00:42:58 --> 00:43:01

are because of a incongruence between,

00:43:01 --> 00:43:03

what he calls core differences.

00:43:03 --> 00:43:05

Right? Mhmm. I like to be shown affection

00:43:05 --> 00:43:07

one way. She likes to be shown affection

00:43:07 --> 00:43:09

another way. I like to blood on my

00:43:09 --> 00:43:10

frustrations one way, she likes to be, you

00:43:10 --> 00:43:12

know. And so, when these two things collide,

00:43:13 --> 00:43:15

that's when you have arguments. An extreme extrovert

00:43:15 --> 00:43:16

and extreme introvert.

00:43:17 --> 00:43:19

Like, you know, the differences exacerbate themselves.

00:43:19 --> 00:43:22

Mhmm. Absolutely. So so so it's it's

00:43:23 --> 00:43:24

like Is there Is it better to be

00:43:24 --> 00:43:26

understanding first or problem solving first? Right. No.

00:43:27 --> 00:43:28

Both are it's as arbitrary as chocolate versus

00:43:28 --> 00:43:30

vanilla ice cream. Right? They're Okay. They're both

00:43:30 --> 00:43:33

good. So it's best to observe your spouse

00:43:33 --> 00:43:35

throughout the relationship and see? I I I

00:43:35 --> 00:43:37

think so it's a tool actually I do

00:43:37 --> 00:43:38

a lot in pre premarital classes. I actually

00:43:38 --> 00:43:39

have couples, like, go through this and kind

00:43:39 --> 00:43:40

of understand that. And we're like, oh, wow.

00:43:40 --> 00:43:42

I never really, you know, categorized myself in

00:43:42 --> 00:43:43

that way, but you know what? In general,

00:43:43 --> 00:43:45

like, I I do lean more towards this

00:43:45 --> 00:43:46

and that. Right. And so now you know

00:43:46 --> 00:43:48

how the other person is. You've asked some

00:43:48 --> 00:43:50

very meaningful questions. Right? And and you don't

00:43:50 --> 00:43:51

have to, you know, only do it in

00:43:51 --> 00:43:52

premarital counseling. Like, even while you're married. Even

00:43:52 --> 00:43:54

if you've been married 20 years. Mhmm. Right?

00:43:54 --> 00:43:56

I think, you know, somebody could still learn

00:43:56 --> 00:43:58

this about this. What's called core differences. Okay.

00:43:58 --> 00:44:00

You learn about your spouse in that way.

00:44:00 --> 00:44:01

You know,

00:44:01 --> 00:44:03

are are are they future oriented versus, like,

00:44:03 --> 00:44:05

you know, in the moment and so on.

00:44:05 --> 00:44:06

And then

00:44:06 --> 00:44:08

their actions make a little bit more sense.

00:44:08 --> 00:44:09

Right. And we know

00:44:10 --> 00:44:10

Yeah.

00:44:11 --> 00:44:13

What's your take on the 5 love languages?

00:44:13 --> 00:44:15

Okay. I did a workshop with Sheikh Yasser

00:44:15 --> 00:44:16

on this. 5 love languages is a book.

00:44:16 --> 00:44:18

It's a well known book translated in many

00:44:18 --> 00:44:20

languages. So I think it has some type

00:44:20 --> 00:44:21

of some kind of relevance to what he's

00:44:21 --> 00:44:23

talking about now. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Doctor Gary

00:44:23 --> 00:44:25

Chapman. Yeah. Right? So,

00:44:27 --> 00:44:28

what what is it? I don't know if

00:44:28 --> 00:44:29

he's like a hardcore baptist or something, but

00:44:29 --> 00:44:31

like he he he marketed

00:44:31 --> 00:44:33

that a lot. Oh, yeah. A lot. I

00:44:33 --> 00:44:35

think it's a very simplified concept that he

00:44:35 --> 00:44:37

did a great job marketing. It's not limited

00:44:37 --> 00:44:39

to 5 love languages. You know, that's that's

00:44:39 --> 00:44:42

that's one thing. Because sometimes people will look

00:44:42 --> 00:44:44

at that and there's research on this. Like,

00:44:44 --> 00:44:45

people will look at the 5 languages and

00:44:45 --> 00:44:46

say, like, oh, but I actually like to

00:44:46 --> 00:44:48

be loved in this way and this way.

00:44:48 --> 00:44:49

Going back to the idea, like, especially

00:44:50 --> 00:44:51

the South Asian guys. Right? I like to

00:44:51 --> 00:44:53

be loved by I I love my family

00:44:54 --> 00:44:55

and what is a love language to me

00:44:55 --> 00:44:57

is my wife showing respect to my family.

00:44:57 --> 00:44:58

That's not one of the 5 love languages

00:44:58 --> 00:45:00

Mhmm. But it's important to me. Right? So,

00:45:00 --> 00:45:03

research has found there's there's several other,

00:45:04 --> 00:45:07

love languages out there. Mhmm. Right? Okay. So

00:45:07 --> 00:45:08

so so that's one thing. It's a good

00:45:08 --> 00:45:10

start. Right? It's it's it's the idea of

00:45:10 --> 00:45:10

just,

00:45:11 --> 00:45:13

I I think it falls back into communication.

00:45:13 --> 00:45:14

It's like really getting to know what makes

00:45:14 --> 00:45:16

your partner smile. What what what brings them

00:45:16 --> 00:45:18

comfort and you know, them doing the same

00:45:18 --> 00:45:20

for you. So you've been asking the question.

00:45:20 --> 00:45:21

What makes you this? What makes you that?

00:45:21 --> 00:45:23

Did you like this? Did you like that?

00:45:23 --> 00:45:24

In times of reason, not in times of

00:45:25 --> 00:45:26

Oh. Of hardship. Okay. And it can change,

00:45:26 --> 00:45:28

by the way. Sometimes sometimes guys get frustrated.

00:45:28 --> 00:45:30

Like, oh, but she said, like, she likes

00:45:30 --> 00:45:31

gifts and now she doesn't like, okay. It's

00:45:31 --> 00:45:33

fine. People grow. People change, you know. When

00:45:33 --> 00:45:34

looking at,

00:45:34 --> 00:45:35

you know,

00:45:35 --> 00:45:38

you talk about observing the family, asking

00:45:39 --> 00:45:42

knowing yourself and understanding your flaws. And, again,

00:45:42 --> 00:45:43

it takes it really takes a guy to

00:45:43 --> 00:45:44

be humble

00:45:45 --> 00:45:45

because,

00:45:46 --> 00:45:46

you know,

00:45:47 --> 00:45:48

him being vulnerable

00:45:49 --> 00:45:51

by acknowledging that he doesn't know something, just

00:45:51 --> 00:45:52

like you said the ego,

00:45:53 --> 00:45:55

that could play a huge role because sometimes

00:45:55 --> 00:45:56

they okay. If she sees that I don't

00:45:56 --> 00:45:58

know this, she may it may not be

00:45:58 --> 00:45:59

attractive or I may not be looked at

00:45:59 --> 00:46:01

as the man of

00:46:01 --> 00:46:03

of of of of the house or whatever

00:46:03 --> 00:46:06

the case may be. Seeing men

00:46:07 --> 00:46:08

come to your office,

00:46:09 --> 00:46:09

okay,

00:46:10 --> 00:46:11

and

00:46:12 --> 00:46:12

they

00:46:13 --> 00:46:16

had a lot of stress built up, maybe

00:46:16 --> 00:46:17

have been suicidal.

00:46:18 --> 00:46:18

Okay?

00:46:19 --> 00:46:21

And you were the first person

00:46:22 --> 00:46:23

that they talked to,

00:46:25 --> 00:46:27

and they had to gather up a lot

00:46:27 --> 00:46:30

of I'll use the word humility Yeah. To

00:46:30 --> 00:46:32

come to. It took a number of years.

00:46:33 --> 00:46:35

Right? For them to do that. Point that

00:46:35 --> 00:46:36

I'm really getting to is

00:46:38 --> 00:46:39

I'll I'll start with this this story. I

00:46:39 --> 00:46:41

received a text from a brother,

00:46:42 --> 00:46:43

and and this is this is not a

00:46:43 --> 00:46:44

brother. This is brothers.

00:46:47 --> 00:46:49

And when I read this text,

00:46:50 --> 00:46:52

it was a sign of him reaching out.

00:46:53 --> 00:46:55

And me reading the text in the way

00:46:55 --> 00:46:57

that he wrote it was like, wow. That

00:46:57 --> 00:46:59

means this brother reached out. This brother reached

00:46:59 --> 00:47:01

out. This so I called one of the

00:47:01 --> 00:47:01

previous brothers.

00:47:02 --> 00:47:03

I was like, man, will you he said,

00:47:03 --> 00:47:05

yeah, man. I was really going through it.

00:47:05 --> 00:47:07

I was really going through it.

00:47:07 --> 00:47:09

So I wanna talk to you 2 brothers

00:47:09 --> 00:47:11

about particularly 2 aspects of reaching out with

00:47:11 --> 00:47:12

with men. Okay?

00:47:12 --> 00:47:13

The first one

00:47:14 --> 00:47:15

is the brother that

00:47:16 --> 00:47:18

found it within himself to send a text,

00:47:18 --> 00:47:19

and it was vague.

00:47:19 --> 00:47:21

Like, sound like a brother. What are you

00:47:21 --> 00:47:23

doing? How's everything going? Just haven't talked to

00:47:23 --> 00:47:24

you in a while.

00:47:26 --> 00:47:28

Just over here by myself.

00:47:30 --> 00:47:30

Send.

00:47:32 --> 00:47:34

It's a message of, like, I need some

00:47:34 --> 00:47:36

companionship. I I really wanna talk. I'm going

00:47:36 --> 00:47:39

through * right now. Yeah. I just got

00:47:39 --> 00:47:41

a divorce. I'm on the verge of getting

00:47:41 --> 00:47:41

a divorce.

00:47:42 --> 00:47:43

Right? That's we're gonna get to the 2nd

00:47:43 --> 00:47:44

brother. But the first brother is a brother

00:47:44 --> 00:47:45

that reaches out.

00:47:47 --> 00:47:49

What would you say to this brother

00:47:49 --> 00:47:51

that has reached out

00:47:52 --> 00:47:54

and he did not get a response?

00:47:55 --> 00:47:56

Okay?

00:47:56 --> 00:47:58

The brother that reaches out and did not

00:47:58 --> 00:48:00

get a response, what would you tell them?

00:48:00 --> 00:48:02

Because when he doesn't get that response,

00:48:02 --> 00:48:04

shaytan can play with him like, look, I

00:48:04 --> 00:48:06

tried a class. Just go back and just

00:48:06 --> 00:48:08

deal with it. And some of them, they'll

00:48:08 --> 00:48:09

go to drinking, go to drugs. Not all

00:48:09 --> 00:48:11

of them. They'll go they'll go to someone

00:48:11 --> 00:48:13

or something to fill that pain and that

00:48:13 --> 00:48:16

void. Right? Right. What would you tell that

00:48:16 --> 00:48:16

brother?

00:48:16 --> 00:48:19

You know, SubhanAllah, I think there's an element

00:48:19 --> 00:48:19

of

00:48:20 --> 00:48:21

strength

00:48:21 --> 00:48:23

that is taken in order to be able

00:48:23 --> 00:48:26

to reach out. Mhmm. But strength

00:48:27 --> 00:48:28

shows its,

00:48:29 --> 00:48:31

shows actually how strong it is when it's

00:48:31 --> 00:48:33

challenged. And if you reach out to someone

00:48:33 --> 00:48:35

and they don't respond back, it's a challenge

00:48:35 --> 00:48:36

to that strength.

00:48:36 --> 00:48:38

That it took to reach out. That it

00:48:38 --> 00:48:39

took to actually put yourself out there and

00:48:39 --> 00:48:40

be vulnerable.

00:48:41 --> 00:48:44

So because someone didn't respond, that doesn't mean

00:48:44 --> 00:48:45

that you

00:48:46 --> 00:48:46

just falter

00:48:47 --> 00:48:48

and break down and that's it. You don't

00:48:48 --> 00:48:50

go back and and reach out again.

00:48:50 --> 00:48:52

I think you have to find someone else.

00:48:53 --> 00:48:54

And I know that's tough and I know

00:48:54 --> 00:48:56

and and first off, I think like there's

00:48:56 --> 00:48:58

an element of Masha'Allah,

00:48:58 --> 00:49:00

reward the brother for reaching out. Because it's

00:49:00 --> 00:49:02

not easy to do Exactly. It's not easy

00:49:02 --> 00:49:04

to do that. It's true. But it's gonna

00:49:04 --> 00:49:05

happen. You may have to reach out to

00:49:05 --> 00:49:08

another person another person until you get a

00:49:08 --> 00:49:08

response.

00:49:09 --> 00:49:11

And I know that puts the onus on

00:49:11 --> 00:49:11

the brother,

00:49:12 --> 00:49:14

but that strength of reaching out will be

00:49:14 --> 00:49:15

challenged.

00:49:15 --> 00:49:17

And that challenge may come in the aspect

00:49:17 --> 00:49:19

of not receiving response from the first person

00:49:19 --> 00:49:21

or the second person. But I also think

00:49:21 --> 00:49:23

there's an element of of, like Allah says

00:49:23 --> 00:49:26

that there's no burden that a person, that

00:49:26 --> 00:49:27

Allah doesn't burden us all with more than

00:49:27 --> 00:49:30

he can bear. Mhmm. So, the process of

00:49:30 --> 00:49:31

reaching out

00:49:31 --> 00:49:34

is a burden, is difficult, but it is

00:49:34 --> 00:49:36

also something that you can bear as well.

00:49:36 --> 00:49:37

Right. Right.

00:49:38 --> 00:49:40

Man, now you're gonna get me emotional because

00:49:40 --> 00:49:42

it's been a tough week. I mean,

00:49:43 --> 00:49:45

we need to do a better job as

00:49:45 --> 00:49:45

men.

00:49:46 --> 00:49:49

Reaching out to each other. Loving each other.

00:49:49 --> 00:49:50

Checking up on each other.

00:49:50 --> 00:49:52

You know, like Wow.

00:49:53 --> 00:49:55

2 people very close to me are going

00:49:55 --> 00:49:56

through a difficult time right now, and

00:49:57 --> 00:49:57

I

00:50:00 --> 00:50:02

I just I I'm I'm I I feel

00:50:02 --> 00:50:04

bad that, like, why didn't I check up

00:50:04 --> 00:50:06

enough? Like, what and we and we're subtle.

00:50:06 --> 00:50:07

We're subtle in the signs that we're going

00:50:07 --> 00:50:09

through pain. Right? That's so subtle. We need

00:50:09 --> 00:50:11

to step up as brothers. Right? My wife

00:50:11 --> 00:50:13

my wife told me this. She's like, honestly,

00:50:13 --> 00:50:16

I feel like men don't know men. Mhmm.

00:50:16 --> 00:50:17

Like I know. Yeah.

00:50:17 --> 00:50:18

I will

00:50:19 --> 00:50:21

I'll know how about you bench before I

00:50:21 --> 00:50:23

know your pain points and what you're going

00:50:23 --> 00:50:24

through and that difficulty. How much you bench?

00:50:24 --> 00:50:25

I'm just

00:50:26 --> 00:50:27

Or the reason why I have Vince. Right?

00:50:27 --> 00:50:29

The reason why I Yeah. So just to

00:50:29 --> 00:50:30

just to let that frustration out. When I

00:50:30 --> 00:50:33

got my divorce, Sheikh Yasir told me 2

00:50:33 --> 00:50:35

things. Right? And may Allah bless him. Right?

00:50:35 --> 00:50:35

He said,

00:50:38 --> 00:50:39

he said,

00:50:39 --> 00:50:40

stay with the community.

00:50:42 --> 00:50:44

Keep no matter what, right, stay with the

00:50:44 --> 00:50:44

community

00:50:45 --> 00:50:47

and hit the gym.

00:50:47 --> 00:50:48

Essentially, do you even lift?

00:50:51 --> 00:50:53

I, we'll talk about this maybe in the

00:50:53 --> 00:50:54

divorce episode, but there were times you were

00:50:54 --> 00:50:56

talking about strength and pushing through. Between

00:50:57 --> 00:50:59

reps, man, I was tearing up. Oh, yeah.

00:50:59 --> 00:51:00

Oh, yeah. And I was just, like, hiding

00:51:00 --> 00:51:03

my tears. Oh, yeah. And then I go

00:51:03 --> 00:51:04

on to the next rep. I had to

00:51:04 --> 00:51:07

push through that. Aloha. Right? I love it.

00:51:07 --> 00:51:09

Some of my best friends don't know this.

00:51:09 --> 00:51:11

I'm a therapist. I'm encouraging, you know, my

00:51:11 --> 00:51:14

wife knows this. Right? Other family members might

00:51:14 --> 00:51:16

know this. My brother knows this.

00:51:17 --> 00:51:18

My best friends don't know. Why is that?

00:51:18 --> 00:51:20

It's a problem. Why don't we share with

00:51:20 --> 00:51:22

each other, man? It's a problem. We're we're

00:51:22 --> 00:51:22

we're struggling.

00:51:23 --> 00:51:24

It's a problem. We're in pain.

00:51:25 --> 00:51:27

Yeah. And and and, you know, you deprive

00:51:28 --> 00:51:30

yes. There's there's a strength in reaching out,

00:51:30 --> 00:51:32

but you're also, subhanAllah, like, when you don't,

00:51:32 --> 00:51:34

you're also depriving the other person of Ashir.

00:51:34 --> 00:51:36

Allahu hala. Right? Yeah.

00:51:36 --> 00:51:39

Reaching out doesn't necessarily mean checking up on

00:51:39 --> 00:51:41

them and talking to them specifically about whatever

00:51:41 --> 00:51:43

it is that they're doing. Yeah. Yeah. It

00:51:43 --> 00:51:45

could be just like this. You get together.

00:51:45 --> 00:51:47

You have some laughs. You talk. Enjoy some

00:51:47 --> 00:51:50

food. And you'll be surprised at how many

00:51:50 --> 00:51:52

times, like, guys just getting together

00:51:53 --> 00:51:56

for something as simple as playing games, some

00:51:56 --> 00:51:58

kind of game competitive nature, even just lifting

00:51:58 --> 00:52:00

together. Yeah. And then it comes out. Yeah,

00:52:00 --> 00:52:03

man. And then the the pain points start

00:52:03 --> 00:52:06

coming out. But it's it's just creating that

00:52:06 --> 00:52:07

opportunity for

00:52:07 --> 00:52:09

that to come out, whether it's Yeah. Eating

00:52:09 --> 00:52:11

together, whether it's Yeah. Working out together, gaming

00:52:11 --> 00:52:13

together Yeah. In terms of,

00:52:13 --> 00:52:15

competitive games or something like that, or even

00:52:15 --> 00:52:17

just sitting together and talking like this. Yeah.

00:52:17 --> 00:52:19

It allows for that opportunity

00:52:19 --> 00:52:21

for those pain points to come out. If

00:52:21 --> 00:52:23

I text either of you guys ever that,

00:52:23 --> 00:52:25

hey, if you're free, let's toss a football

00:52:25 --> 00:52:27

around. That means

00:52:27 --> 00:52:29

it's it's up to here, and I need

00:52:29 --> 00:52:30

to let it I keep a football in

00:52:30 --> 00:52:33

the car. Yes. SubhanAllah. And, we don't even

00:52:33 --> 00:52:35

have to talk. I just need to launch

00:52:35 --> 00:52:36

that thing. I need to

00:52:36 --> 00:52:37

throw up a ball back and forth for

00:52:37 --> 00:52:38

a bit.

00:52:38 --> 00:52:40

And yeah. Yeah. And that that's that's what

00:52:40 --> 00:52:41

I was gonna get to the next I

00:52:41 --> 00:52:42

kinda touched on it already, but,

00:52:43 --> 00:52:45

the person that receives the text,

00:52:46 --> 00:52:48

like just you meant you mentioned. Let's just

00:52:48 --> 00:52:49

get if

00:52:50 --> 00:52:52

you I don't want to ask what kind

00:52:52 --> 00:52:54

of texts are there. Mhmm. But

00:52:55 --> 00:52:57

what what could be

00:52:57 --> 00:52:59

and and you may not have an answer

00:52:59 --> 00:53:01

for this. You know? What could be a

00:53:01 --> 00:53:02

sign from the receiver

00:53:03 --> 00:53:05

that he can see, okay. Oh, okay. This

00:53:05 --> 00:53:07

brother's kinda reaching out. The fact that a

00:53:07 --> 00:53:08

text came

00:53:08 --> 00:53:11

is enough. Yeah. Like, how you okay. Yeah.

00:53:11 --> 00:53:12

The fact that a text came is enough,

00:53:13 --> 00:53:15

Especially if it's brothers that you haven't heard

00:53:15 --> 00:53:16

from in a while. Oh, that's right. And

00:53:16 --> 00:53:18

they reach out to you. It doesn't matter

00:53:18 --> 00:53:19

what's being said. The fact that they sent

00:53:19 --> 00:53:21

you a text message is enough.

00:53:22 --> 00:53:24

Mhmm. It's fine. And that's on you to

00:53:24 --> 00:53:26

to maybe explore a little bit more. Pick

00:53:26 --> 00:53:28

up the phone and call them. Has it

00:53:28 --> 00:53:30

been? See how they're Exactly. And that's, I

00:53:30 --> 00:53:32

think, just the out the behavior. The behavior

00:53:32 --> 00:53:34

has shifted. Mhmm. Mhmm. And that's one thing

00:53:34 --> 00:53:36

that we look for in in the office.

00:53:36 --> 00:53:38

If behavior is shifting, and if a brother

00:53:38 --> 00:53:40

that hasn't texted you in a while is

00:53:40 --> 00:53:42

reaching out to you, that's enough of a

00:53:42 --> 00:53:44

of a sign Right. To pick up the

00:53:44 --> 00:53:45

phone and check on. There there was there

00:53:45 --> 00:53:46

was a

00:53:47 --> 00:53:48

a situation where,

00:53:49 --> 00:53:51

a client had reached out to, their therapist,

00:53:52 --> 00:53:55

and it was just a very vague email

00:53:55 --> 00:53:55

at,

00:53:57 --> 00:53:59

like, an odd time. The therapist happened

00:54:00 --> 00:54:02

to be, and I've heard the story personally,

00:54:02 --> 00:54:03

like, happened to

00:54:03 --> 00:54:05

just be looking at their email, and they

00:54:05 --> 00:54:07

were able to just read, okay, something is

00:54:07 --> 00:54:07

off.

00:54:08 --> 00:54:09

Immediately called the client.

00:54:10 --> 00:54:12

Client was very, just kind of incoherent.

00:54:12 --> 00:54:13

Called 911.

00:54:14 --> 00:54:16

Police were able to break through the door.

00:54:16 --> 00:54:17

She had overdosed.

00:54:18 --> 00:54:19

Had he not checked that email?

00:54:24 --> 00:54:26

But like like like you said, just just

00:54:26 --> 00:54:28

a text. You know? And it doesn't it

00:54:28 --> 00:54:29

doesn't have to be as deep as suicide,

00:54:29 --> 00:54:31

but it's just just the idea. And we

00:54:31 --> 00:54:33

don't even honestly dude, we don't have to

00:54:33 --> 00:54:35

wait for things to build up. Yeah. Right?

00:54:36 --> 00:54:38

Sheikh Yasser was talking about this and

00:54:39 --> 00:54:41

like, we need to revive

00:54:42 --> 00:54:44

this this idea, the sunnah of basically,

00:54:45 --> 00:54:48

I'm driving past your house and I'm like,

00:54:48 --> 00:54:50

yo. Let's just, you know, let's chop it

00:54:50 --> 00:54:51

up a little bit. Let's have some tea.

00:54:51 --> 00:54:54

Something. Make it super simple. Yep. Right? I

00:54:54 --> 00:54:56

I I'm I'm more and more interested now

00:54:56 --> 00:54:59

in the idea of community and the importance

00:54:59 --> 00:55:02

of community and suhba, especially brotherhood. Mhmm. As

00:55:02 --> 00:55:06

a preventative factor in mental health issues. Oh,

00:55:06 --> 00:55:08

wow. And I'm seeing it more and more.

00:55:08 --> 00:55:09

And I know this is your thing, dude.

00:55:09 --> 00:55:10

Like, I yeah. Yeah. And it's growing. The

00:55:10 --> 00:55:13

whole concept of community, even on the online

00:55:13 --> 00:55:16

sector of, like, cohorts and learning, it's starting

00:55:16 --> 00:55:17

to become a thing as well. Just so

00:55:17 --> 00:55:20

because, you know, we're insen, we're uns. Yeah.

00:55:20 --> 00:55:22

That we're social creatures, you know, and, subhanAllah,

00:55:22 --> 00:55:24

you know, in an individualistic society that is

00:55:24 --> 00:55:27

pushing more towards, you know, that that that

00:55:27 --> 00:55:29

that social touch being in in together Right.

00:55:29 --> 00:55:32

You know, in person, offline is crushing. And

00:55:32 --> 00:55:34

and don't don't you think that that strength,

00:55:34 --> 00:55:36

you know, that that brotherhood, that community where

00:55:36 --> 00:55:38

we have those outlets leads to healthier marriages?

00:55:39 --> 00:55:40

Oh, no doubt about it. Yeah. Brother, I've

00:55:40 --> 00:55:43

the gym is I mean, physical exertion. Doesn't

00:55:43 --> 00:55:44

have to be the gym inside a wall

00:55:44 --> 00:55:47

No. Outside getting a slam ball. Like, I'm

00:55:47 --> 00:55:48

I'm I had a circuit training I do

00:55:48 --> 00:55:49

with brothers. It's a bucket and a slam

00:55:49 --> 00:55:51

ball. You get a bucket if you can't

00:55:51 --> 00:55:52

squat because you used to be on computer.

00:55:52 --> 00:55:54

At least get down to the bucket, come

00:55:54 --> 00:55:55

right back up, get the ball, and slam

00:55:55 --> 00:55:58

it. Like, that'll release a lot of stress.

00:56:00 --> 00:56:02

So to the last type of you mentioned

00:56:02 --> 00:56:04

it earlier. By by the way, like, because

00:56:04 --> 00:56:05

I wanna say because I I I also

00:56:05 --> 00:56:07

just caught myself. I mentioned just throwing the

00:56:07 --> 00:56:09

footballs in a that's the beginning. Talk about

00:56:09 --> 00:56:10

it too. But, like, that's a that's a

00:56:10 --> 00:56:11

entry point because I feel like you're gonna

00:56:11 --> 00:56:13

be like, dude, what are you teaching people?

00:56:13 --> 00:56:15

You're just because our football is like, so

00:56:15 --> 00:56:16

we don't talk about our problems. No. Open

00:56:16 --> 00:56:18

up. Like, we do we need to do

00:56:18 --> 00:56:19

better with that. Yeah. We need to be

00:56:19 --> 00:56:21

comfortable with those tough conversations. Yeah. I strive

00:56:21 --> 00:56:23

to have friends who will call me out

00:56:23 --> 00:56:25

when I'm in the wrong. That's the other

00:56:25 --> 00:56:26

thing Yeah. SubhanAllah.

00:56:27 --> 00:56:29

Be willing to call your friends out. That's

00:56:29 --> 00:56:30

what a friend is.

00:56:31 --> 00:56:33

Right. Subhanallah. Brothers, if if if you're yeah.

00:56:33 --> 00:56:33

If

00:56:34 --> 00:56:35

if if your if your friend

00:56:35 --> 00:56:38

is, like, abusive towards their family, be that

00:56:38 --> 00:56:41

good friend. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Let's okay.

00:56:41 --> 00:56:42

We we gotta touch on that, Jake. I

00:56:42 --> 00:56:42

mean,

00:56:44 --> 00:56:46

sister reaches out to you, the wife of

00:56:46 --> 00:56:48

your best friend or friend, and then she

00:56:48 --> 00:56:50

says this is going on. What do you

00:56:50 --> 00:56:52

advise a friend that gets that call?

00:56:52 --> 00:56:55

Like, bro, are you really doing this? What

00:56:55 --> 00:56:57

and because this is during the marriage and

00:56:57 --> 00:56:59

the man is he's he's fallen short, you

00:56:59 --> 00:57:01

know. It it happens. He's stressed out,

00:57:01 --> 00:57:04

you know. He's going through things. Family

00:57:04 --> 00:57:05

member may have passed away. There's been a

00:57:05 --> 00:57:06

level of resentment

00:57:08 --> 00:57:09

and he's releasing his stress out in that

00:57:09 --> 00:57:11

way, physically abusing his wife, which is, you

00:57:11 --> 00:57:13

know, totally haram in Islam. Right. Right. And

00:57:13 --> 00:57:15

we're not condoning it. Yeah. We're not condoning

00:57:15 --> 00:57:16

it. No. That's I don't know. Let me

00:57:16 --> 00:57:18

So you're you're responsible for your hands. Yeah.

00:57:18 --> 00:57:20

You're response oh, of course. No. That's not

00:57:20 --> 00:57:22

allowed in any shape, form, or fashion, or

00:57:22 --> 00:57:23

incident at all.

00:57:23 --> 00:57:25

What would you advise a friend that receives

00:57:25 --> 00:57:26

a phone call from the wife,

00:57:27 --> 00:57:28

from his friend's wife,

00:57:29 --> 00:57:31

that he's been domestically abusing her?

00:57:32 --> 00:57:32

That's

00:57:33 --> 00:57:34

tough. And this is a message to the

00:57:34 --> 00:57:36

brothers that are currently doing it. I mean,

00:57:36 --> 00:57:38

you know, there's a level of of of

00:57:38 --> 00:57:39

of

00:57:40 --> 00:57:41

of sympathy for your problem that led you

00:57:41 --> 00:57:43

to do it, but doing it isn't permissible.

00:57:43 --> 00:57:45

It's not allowed in Islam. And she is

00:57:45 --> 00:57:48

someone that is as the prophet said, you

00:57:48 --> 00:57:48

know,

00:57:54 --> 00:57:56

verily I am very diligent over the protection

00:57:56 --> 00:57:58

of the 2 weak ones, the the the

00:57:58 --> 00:58:00

orphan and the woman. Uh-huh. Right? And their

00:58:00 --> 00:58:01

weakness

00:58:02 --> 00:58:04

is a beautiful thing. It is not a

00:58:04 --> 00:58:05

flaw. It is a weakness that the law,

00:58:05 --> 00:58:07

supreme god, has created them with, being that

00:58:07 --> 00:58:10

they may be generally speaking weaker than that

00:58:10 --> 00:58:13

of the male Right. In regards to physical,

00:58:13 --> 00:58:16

aggression they talked about. So when a woman

00:58:16 --> 00:58:18

calls and she's reaching out, and a lot

00:58:18 --> 00:58:20

of times they feel that they're in jail

00:58:20 --> 00:58:21

because

00:58:21 --> 00:58:23

there was one time, SubhanAllah, the brother threatened

00:58:23 --> 00:58:24

her

00:58:24 --> 00:58:26

that if you say anything,

00:58:27 --> 00:58:29

right, it's going to be worse.

00:58:30 --> 00:58:32

And mind you, this is her first husband.

00:58:33 --> 00:58:35

He took her That's what I tell brothers

00:58:35 --> 00:58:36

all the time. Like, this is The Prophet

00:58:36 --> 00:58:39

SAW Salam, forgive me. The Prophet SAW Salam,

00:58:39 --> 00:58:41

when he talked about Zina, he said, would

00:58:41 --> 00:58:41

you

00:58:43 --> 00:58:44

would you like that to happen to your

00:58:44 --> 00:58:45

mother? Would you like that to happen to

00:58:45 --> 00:58:46

your sister? We like that to happen to

00:58:46 --> 00:58:47

you. And he went down the line.

00:58:48 --> 00:58:50

Yeah. Mother, aunt, sister in the hadith.

00:58:50 --> 00:58:53

Yeah. So that is someone's daughter you are

00:58:53 --> 00:58:55

taking away from their house. And then for

00:58:55 --> 00:58:56

you to verbally

00:58:57 --> 00:59:00

abuse her, verbally abuse her, and then physically

00:59:00 --> 00:59:00

abuse her,

00:59:02 --> 00:59:03

is it fair for me to say

00:59:04 --> 00:59:06

and I'm using the epitome of of of

00:59:06 --> 00:59:07

of words here,

00:59:07 --> 00:59:09

to risk your friendship

00:59:11 --> 00:59:14

by advising that brother and telling him, look,

00:59:14 --> 00:59:14

bro.

00:59:15 --> 00:59:16

You know, you need to stop.

00:59:17 --> 00:59:18

Like, what would you all say in this

00:59:18 --> 00:59:20

regard? What's the method? What's the process he

00:59:20 --> 00:59:22

should take when he receives that call?

00:59:22 --> 00:59:24

I need a huja in front of Allah

00:59:24 --> 00:59:26

that I spoke up and, you know,

00:59:26 --> 00:59:28

you know, spoke up for justice and truth.

00:59:28 --> 00:59:31

Right? That's being a good friend. Right?

00:59:31 --> 00:59:33

You know, it's not the other person whether

00:59:33 --> 00:59:34

they listen or not, but I Mhmm. I

00:59:34 --> 00:59:36

I I have to speak up. Right? And

00:59:36 --> 00:59:37

I

00:59:37 --> 00:59:39

understand you have to use Hikma and so

00:59:39 --> 00:59:40

on, but

00:59:40 --> 00:59:42

like, honestly in that type of situation,

00:59:42 --> 00:59:45

we're not vocal enough as brothers. Mhmm. We're

00:59:45 --> 00:59:45

not. You know?

00:59:46 --> 00:59:47

I

00:59:49 --> 00:59:50

There's there's a case where like,

00:59:51 --> 00:59:53

a very educated, you know, lady got her

00:59:53 --> 00:59:54

jaw dislocated

00:59:55 --> 00:59:57

because the because the guy grabbed her hard

00:59:57 --> 00:59:58

and was trying to make her understand something

00:59:58 --> 01:00:00

and she wasn't paying attention. You know? Mhmm.

01:00:00 --> 01:00:02

Dislocated her jaw.

01:00:02 --> 01:00:04

Right? We need to we need to be

01:00:04 --> 01:00:06

tough on this. We need to, you know,

01:00:07 --> 01:00:10

like speak up as men. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

01:00:10 --> 01:00:11

Yeah. That's that's that's that's it's it's not

01:00:11 --> 01:00:12

it's not a man who can't, you know,

01:00:12 --> 01:00:14

control his temper in that manner. Right. And

01:00:14 --> 01:00:15

that's why

01:00:16 --> 01:00:17

you need caves.

01:00:18 --> 01:00:18

Yes.

01:00:19 --> 01:00:20

This is why you need caves. For some

01:00:20 --> 01:00:22

people it's the barbershop.

01:00:22 --> 01:00:24

For some people it's the gym. For some

01:00:24 --> 01:00:26

people, it's just the living room or the

01:00:26 --> 01:00:29

garage, you know. I forgot which, I was

01:00:29 --> 01:00:30

reading an article

01:00:30 --> 01:00:31

and they were talking about

01:00:32 --> 01:00:33

how,

01:00:33 --> 01:00:34

I think it was the book,

01:00:35 --> 01:00:37

men on strike talking about why men do

01:00:37 --> 01:00:39

not get married. There were some valid points

01:00:39 --> 01:00:41

in there. There was one chapter where they

01:00:41 --> 01:00:42

were talking about the man cave and how

01:00:42 --> 01:00:44

the man cave is a sign of emasculating

01:00:44 --> 01:00:45

him

01:00:45 --> 01:00:46

because

01:00:46 --> 01:00:49

he can't have any habitat in the house,

01:00:50 --> 01:00:51

so he has to go to the basement

01:00:51 --> 01:00:52

or the garage.

01:00:52 --> 01:00:54

I beg to differ with that. I mean,

01:00:54 --> 01:00:56

the man wants that. He wants that, but

01:00:56 --> 01:00:57

he just wants a place of isolation where

01:00:57 --> 01:00:58

he can just hang out, put his feet

01:00:58 --> 01:01:00

out, Right. Right. And drink some water, not

01:01:00 --> 01:01:02

beer. Drink some water.

01:01:02 --> 01:01:04

I like your garage. That's a nice setup.

01:01:04 --> 01:01:05

It's a little bit. But, yeah, it's a

01:01:05 --> 01:01:07

place where you can hang out, talk, talk

01:01:07 --> 01:01:09

junk, laugh Mhmm. You know, make fun of

01:01:09 --> 01:01:11

each other, you know, what they call roasting

01:01:11 --> 01:01:13

each other now or copying or whatever the

01:01:13 --> 01:01:14

case may be. You know, the companions used

01:01:14 --> 01:01:15

to do that rather.

01:01:16 --> 01:01:18

In in the midst of all of that,

01:01:18 --> 01:01:19

just that laughter,

01:01:19 --> 01:01:21

there's been numerous times where I've been in

01:01:21 --> 01:01:22

situations like that

01:01:23 --> 01:01:23

and,

01:01:24 --> 01:01:25

you know, you're laughing, but then when you're

01:01:25 --> 01:01:27

walking to your car about to leave,

01:01:27 --> 01:01:29

the brother comes to you. Yep. Because I'm

01:01:29 --> 01:01:31

like the emav, so they're like, shit, I

01:01:31 --> 01:01:32

just wanna talk to you about something. We

01:01:32 --> 01:01:34

were together for 3 hours. 3 hours.

01:01:35 --> 01:01:37

Yeah. And he found it within himself from

01:01:37 --> 01:01:40

Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and his his strength

01:01:41 --> 01:01:43

and humility that he was able to come

01:01:43 --> 01:01:44

to me and say, you know

01:01:44 --> 01:01:45

what?

01:01:46 --> 01:01:47

What's going on?

01:01:47 --> 01:01:48

Just the wife, man.

01:01:49 --> 01:01:50

You know, one time I asked her brother,

01:01:50 --> 01:01:51

subhanallah,

01:01:51 --> 01:01:52

how's everything going?

01:01:53 --> 01:01:54

And he just, boom,

01:01:55 --> 01:01:57

just start. I'm getting a divorce man. I

01:01:57 --> 01:01:59

don't know what's going on. I'm just getting

01:01:59 --> 01:02:01

a divorce and then boom. Just

01:02:02 --> 01:02:03

I said, let's go over here. You know,

01:02:03 --> 01:02:05

so because probably nobody asked him that. Because

01:02:05 --> 01:02:07

like, you know, we're talking about this idea

01:02:07 --> 01:02:08

of altruism

01:02:08 --> 01:02:10

and, you know, and so on, but that

01:02:10 --> 01:02:12

also means that, you know, for for a

01:02:12 --> 01:02:14

lot of us that like, we put ourselves

01:02:14 --> 01:02:16

last. We take care of ours, we take

01:02:16 --> 01:02:17

care of our family, we work hard, we,

01:02:17 --> 01:02:19

you know? And and and and we we

01:02:19 --> 01:02:21

have pride in that. Yeah. But then there

01:02:21 --> 01:02:22

is that build up. Right?

01:02:23 --> 01:02:25

And, you know, for you when's the last

01:02:25 --> 01:02:27

time, you know, you asked, like, one of

01:02:27 --> 01:02:28

your your friends, like, how how are you

01:02:28 --> 01:02:30

holding up, man? How are you doing? Yeah.

01:02:30 --> 01:02:31

Super proud. Not not not not just how's

01:02:31 --> 01:02:33

your job, but, like, how are you doing?

01:02:33 --> 01:02:36

Yeah. Exactly, man. Exactly. That's so important. Just

01:02:36 --> 01:02:36

to, you know

01:02:37 --> 01:02:40

as Rod know, he has on his calendar,

01:02:41 --> 01:02:42

it's the Uhua calls.

01:02:43 --> 01:02:45

Oh, man. On his calendar. Uhua

01:02:46 --> 01:02:47

calls.

01:02:47 --> 01:02:49

You know? And I love how you mentioned

01:02:49 --> 01:02:50

that. We don't have enough time, but I

01:02:50 --> 01:02:52

think it's really good for the for the

01:02:52 --> 01:02:54

sisters and the wives to hear as well.

01:02:55 --> 01:02:56

You know, the men are complaining when they

01:02:56 --> 01:02:58

when they come last in the house. Right?

01:02:58 --> 01:03:00

It's just like you said, he finds pride

01:03:00 --> 01:03:02

in doing that, but we're human as well.

01:03:02 --> 01:03:04

Yeah. And sometimes the wife may ask, but

01:03:04 --> 01:03:06

there's nothing like the brother coming and asking,

01:03:06 --> 01:03:08

I mean, how's how's everything going?

01:03:08 --> 01:03:10

Everything's going no. No.

01:03:10 --> 01:03:13

How's everything going, man? Boom. It's like, boom.

01:03:13 --> 01:03:15

You know? So I'm so glad you mentioned

01:03:15 --> 01:03:18

that. Brothers, sisters, you know, may Allah bless

01:03:18 --> 01:03:19

you for tuning in. This is a a

01:03:19 --> 01:03:21

great session as all of them are great.

01:03:22 --> 01:03:23

What are some of the things that the

01:03:23 --> 01:03:26

man should be aware of during marriage? Some

01:03:26 --> 01:03:27

signs that could lead to,

01:03:28 --> 01:03:30

you know, it's something that they should be

01:03:30 --> 01:03:32

aware of. Could be red flags or red

01:03:32 --> 01:03:34

lines. But most importantly, I think from what

01:03:34 --> 01:03:36

we just talked about in conclusion,

01:03:37 --> 01:03:39

establish your iman establish your iman cave. Right?

01:03:39 --> 01:03:42

Have a place where you can sit and

01:03:42 --> 01:03:45

talk 5 minutes, 50 minutes. You can just

01:03:45 --> 01:03:46

talk over food,

01:03:46 --> 01:03:48

over a dumbbell, barbell, out just in the

01:03:48 --> 01:03:49

park walking.

01:03:50 --> 01:03:52

You know, well you can just get with

01:03:52 --> 01:03:54

men that have the same mindset or your

01:03:54 --> 01:03:56

friends or an imam or someone

01:03:57 --> 01:03:58

that you can talk to because

01:03:59 --> 01:04:00

it sounds very simple.

01:04:01 --> 01:04:04

Like it has no effect. But as you

01:04:04 --> 01:04:06

can see here with 2 therapists, Mashallah Tabarakallah,

01:04:06 --> 01:04:08

that there's a huge effect in that in

01:04:08 --> 01:04:10

that companionship. You know, may Allah Subhana Wa

01:04:10 --> 01:04:12

Ta'la bless both of you for tuning in,

01:04:12 --> 01:04:14

for for coming here and enlightening me and

01:04:14 --> 01:04:16

enlightening everyone else, masha'allah, in this beautiful

01:04:17 --> 01:04:19

beautiful segment that we have of, you know,

01:04:19 --> 01:04:22

of talking about divorce problem or solution. May

01:04:22 --> 01:04:24

Allah bless all of you viewers. And please,

01:04:24 --> 01:04:26

we're reading the comments. May Allah bless you

01:04:26 --> 01:04:28

all for your comments, for your insight,

01:04:28 --> 01:04:31

you know, and if you have any suggestions.

01:04:31 --> 01:04:34

We're not perfect. And we didn't mention everything.

01:04:34 --> 01:04:36

We weren't planning to mention everything, but just

01:04:36 --> 01:04:37

some some of the milestones

01:04:38 --> 01:04:40

that take place. And we're asking Allah Subhana

01:04:40 --> 01:04:41

Wa Ta'la to accept it from us and

01:04:41 --> 01:04:43

to accept it from you for watching. BarakAllahu

01:04:47 --> 01:04:48

faqum.

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