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Who Should you Marry

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Abdulfattah Adeyemi

Channel: Abdulfattah Adeyemi

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Wa barakato

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Please let us keep awake,

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don't fall asleep.

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Talking about marriage counseling, or premarital counseling Alhamdulillah. We have observed that in some other religious groups, they take marriage very seriously. But in our own case, we take it automatically. We think someone will just grow up and get married. We don't we thought somebody should just know how to get married. And like a signal you mentioned, now things have changed.

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Things have changed. Everybody knows, as we assume everybody knows what they are looking for. Life itself is said to be a journey. And sometimes you get to see that there are so many things to learn on a daily basis.

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Let me look at it this way. When they say it's a journey

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to friends, let me ask you this question. Two friends traveled to Kaduna.

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And they traveled in different vehicles. They got to Kaduna safely, they did what they had to do. And the two of them left Kaduna. You know, in separate vehicles.

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One of them got back to Abuja safely.

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other one had oxygen to the way the accident was so serious, his car was right off.

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But as Allah will it, he came out of it alive. And those few bruises here and there. You can even believe it that the person who drove this car is the one that Zevon snapping the you know, taking a snapshot of the squeezed like as you squeeze a paper like that, it was like a love Hawk, but he isn't you are sorry. So

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when they got eventually joined another vehicle, and he got to Abuja, and

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around the country, he went to the Imam. And he said, Yes, Ma'am, I want you to thank Allah for me, as we're looking at me now. I think Sri just missed me.

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Maybe eventually look into his laptop and discover that I'm not supposed to do on his schedule for today. Thank Allah for me what happened? He explained. So the man said he should come back by Magritte so that he will explain to the JAMA that he wants to use it as was he

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then he said, but there's another colleague of mine that went together and they all have the light, he didn't have such an accent, call him as you come to. So after my mom stood up and said, Okay, let me ask you.

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This one went, there was no accident. And this one went he had accident and survived. Which of them should thank Allah demo.

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Which of them should be more grateful to Allah?

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The one that

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didn't have any accident at all? Then once you thank Allah more than the one that survived in an accident. Why?

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Why?

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Because

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if because Allah saved me so much more than we ever imagined. Hey, you see, marriage is a journey. Some people thought it's only when you have problems that issue most close to Allah and go for counseling and go to those who know better as he there's probably more My wife is using that to play on my truth.

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The people who have very smooth sail in their marriage you you say but come to counseling come to

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us, I'll see what I can do. You don't have any problem now. Is it only when you have problem that you go for knowledge that you go for guidance, they go for new things that you never knew?

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Now with regards to this counselor within we have the premarital one and then we have the you know, ongoing one, you know, when you have machine learning, you have to be servicing from time to time. But let me mention five areas that we normally teach people when they come for premarital counseling and may be useful for those of you who may seem a long time to go for counseling. Maybe if there's something that you

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feel you need to know from the things I will mention now, you will begin to take counseling very seriously. Number one part of what we look at in family counseling is the choice of who you marry

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Shaykh mentioned it to us that those days when it's your parents that will organize everything for you. It was very easy You didn't need to know what coins they look for but you just trusted okay to choose a good way for me or a good husband will be chosen for me something like that. And I remember I asked

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I asked my father once, how did you get to marry mama?

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And he told me something. I will tell you.

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So an interview he had believed that you actually got married or you are going to get married by destiny.

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Raise your right hand.

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If you believe that Wait wait is it destiny dive amid all of us who come to this hall to be maybe I'll ask destiny that you come today you wear this color of dress you are wearing or you sit in the red red chair. ahead and then look at the person beside you. And as you sit beside that person who is just dealing with you when lecture is going on? Or busy with the phone when shake is poking my head something like that? Is it a lot destined Are you sit there or you chose to sit where you are seated?

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Which of them is correct? Did you choose it Oh Allah destiny. Okay If Allah destiny say,

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if you chose it's a

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it's more like the ladies that are answering me. Don't say anything less less.

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If you believe that when you get married, Allah destined the person for you. Say a

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if you believe that you actually chose the person by yourself say

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who has

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the as hobby. So even though the destined it, you will not have marry the person you are going to marry to Allah to force you.

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Allah to compel you to marry that person?

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Honestly, we begin to now look at it is it personal choice? is a family decision? Is it a law that's just imposed? Look, as those who are married do tell you that honestly even though for Allah that imposed that as you marry this person, this lady would never mind me lie like

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there are some men who COVID the mighty blue Allah compared holla force and that some people say that some verses you can read for a lady who fall in love with you, as in fall.

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fall in love with you. They said is the verse instructor Yusuf, I don't know it. They didn't tell me

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that if you read it for a man, the man will not sleep on the medicine.

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Yeah, do you believe that or not? So you don't believe me? Part of

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what we do and get you the best you want to marry or you have to get the best by yourself.

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Even said to us a if you say

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but I will not do I know the person you want.

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So you mean when you make a one person show so badly that you be like a

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busy person? Yes.

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Why did you do like that? There are over 7.5 billion human beings on earth.

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How do you think you're going to get one as a brother one of the over 5 billion women?

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How do they are going to get one like this?

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by choice, by destiny. By what? By?

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all put together. choice and destiny? What percentage is choice? What percentage is destiny?

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5050 6040 6040 which one is 60? Which was 40 destiny is

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destiny 60

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destiny is 4070 Oh destiny 70 your choice is 30 Hello

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I see if you believe so much in this destiny stuff. But it is Allah Secrets You can't know.

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You can't know when you meet one piece will be like yes this depression. Then tomorrow I'm so disappointed tomorrow. Yes.

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Then next dc Hara you be like seeing wet leaves cheap a Tampa. You

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We get to see different colors and you have to be like, yes, this will be the person.

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then by the time you talk to Bill, just look at you from LA to Santa Fe, excuse me Are you really

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want to do this one, you want my whereas is what you saw in your dream.

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You see, it's it's

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isn't mysterious. You know, sometimes people who never expected will get married, do get married, you say they love one another, you just look at how can this thing be in somebody forcing them to marry each other. It now reminds me of the story of the time of the rat that wants to get married.

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The rat made a lot of blood, and believe so much in Allah Almighty, let me meet him today. Or let me meet her today. The rat is the male, then as he was moving around, is suddenly spotted one beautiful female. And these beautiful female is a female coming.

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You know, with these eyes, and you know, very beautiful red color. Excellent. So the rock moves blue and said, Do you know a fall in love with you.

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As a matter of fact, I would rather die with you than live without you.

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So the rat held the rope of the Cabal and said I want to show you to my house and I want to meet my family. So as they went and went and they go to the hole of the rat, the rat wanted to crawl inside and drag the camel in and it was impossible.

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So the comment was like, very sorry, I don't think is going to work. either get a bigger hole, or get an animal of your size.

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That was the advice that he can give to the rat.

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Now, is it just about the first person I meet? Is it just about the person that just came around and became my colleague in school? Is it just all about the next person the organization introduced to me? is it all about somebody that will see Charles young will we begin to gel you know, we on Facebook together we should be the person? Honestly, it goes beyond that. It is the choices Some people like to make some time make terrible choices, you know, blame it on destiny.

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They just will just look at you and be like this was not Sudoku or more common see bad choice.

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I mentioned earlier on you have not even engaged the person beginning to slap you. You said I'm sorry. On I got angry.

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She made me do it. Then twice the second time.

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I'm very sorry. You know, I still love you. And then you have no money though. You say it's his destiny.

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That is one thing. When you come for counseling, we make you understand. Looky there is distinct and his choice. This particular one this guy? Is it destined by broten? Or choice? Although I

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guess we have to ascertain that once you are very sure that we now move to the second stage of the counseling. And that is about readiness, readiness. What does it mean to be ready? We look at physical maturity.

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Is this person mature enough for marriage? Physical, of course, you can always see that one. When you look at the person, a lady, you know, when a lady is mature, you understand the kind of things you look for when a guy is mature. Also, you look at some things physically, but that's not all. What are the mental maturity,

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mental maturity, don't even understand what we're talking about when talking about marriage. Those days when you are 2021 already have so much idea about marriage, you will have to do something you will have to do something you have observed certain things. And you know that yes, I could get married anytime you understand the politics of marriage by someone who is 33.

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A guy that is 35.

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You see rows of the sleeves of his shed.

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You see those sagging? You see actually a piece in his case, he seems to only Allah knows what it is. And you seem swinging from side to side.

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Allahu Akbar. When you say when I do get mad, he doesn't know what you're talking about.

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Meaning that in his head, he is not mentally ready. He may be physically mature, but in his head is not mentally ready. He doesn't have that mental capacity to understand the mythical Elisa, the strong covenants that marriage and tools he thinks is just like he just lost just he thinks because he's not able. He knows how to sleep with somebody think then he should get married. So inside his head, we have a lot of diagnoses in people's heads to know

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Does he have the mental capacity to handle? A woman? doesn't have that? Does she have that mental capacity to understand that this is marriage? Well, not boyfriend and girlfriend, this is marriage as seen me.

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As seen marriage go as it is,

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then we'll look at the psychological preparation. Yes, the person may be, you know, already physical and everybody psychologically is not prepared.

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All of you that are single here. Now, if I say you just have your hand I know men who raised their hands, I say, Are you looking for your husband? You say yes. But as well as are you looking for? Well, you see, yes, so kiddos,

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who are looking for wives?

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If we say that no, you do

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not like that. Nah, give me some time. You see yourself now, you say you want to marry want to marry sisters? Now? Marina, you say actually, you know. So therefore nevertheless, as a motto for me speaking English,

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in other words, is not psychologically prepared. If you push a woman for him, now you seem shaky.

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And then the readiness to take up responsibility. Some people, they think they are ready to say you have found somebody you are going to marry doesn't mean we're ready. I hope we understand that. You may have found somebody bought a pair and says sorry, you can't marry her, she has to finish school. That means she's not ready.

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You say your fundamental automatic, you don't have a job.

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I don't think you are really, really ready as in you prepared for this thing. So recognize Jacob responsibility as a leader, readiness to take responsibility as a follower, to take responsibility as a spender to take responsibility as a manager. Not everybody is ready for that. And of course, the freedom part of it is there. Are you under some obligations? Are you supposed to finish some school? Are you supposed to finish some some things? These are the aspect we look at in matters of readiness. So somebody has got to ask you, if you have not really thought about before, someone will ask you to explain. Are you ready for this thing?

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So I have an angel here. Let me quickly wrap it up. Then number three, I said fine. Maybe I should stop on the third one. If that's

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okay, I will I will summarize. Thank you.

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Okay, I begin to increase my

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speed now.

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Number three health consideration.

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What are these health things a person should consider physical health genotype issues do we need to? You may have so much a man. But when the wahala comes, or more a man would disappear.

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Yes, look at the matter of genotype and take it serious because we are being imposed on one another. Love is very important. But sometimes the cell Love is blind.

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When seeking problem comes that labuda gain insights.

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Yes, genotyping is important. handicap issues are also important. I'm talking about the physical health now. What are someone who is deaf? Somebody is deaf. They say Deaf community. They are part of us they are part of the oma Can you marry this person? Can you cook Do you know how to do sign language? We have an affiliation with a with a body that train people on sign language in case you want to mess around with them. We'll train you on sign language to communicate very well. How to say I love you with sign language.

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A

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Yes, I'm trying to look at you. Is it this one that you see on Facebook?

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How do you say be careful I will kill you with sign language.

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Yes is the person handicap Can you marry a blind person?

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There are many blind people talk to us that please let me look for your husband. Or we look for your wife. We be like this road as the man cannot carry. Then mental health. This is I want to emphasize

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some people are psychopaths.

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You think is just getting angry up only has tantrum. It is not ordinary tantrum. uncontrollable anger is not just that you got angry. Some people are psychopaths and they need to go for treatment. They need serious counseling. Don't just take it like that.

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A man beats you up, kicks you even before you might need him. And you see the way you relate with other human beings.

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Don't marry a man that's a psycho psychopath. a psychopath comes. We know the psychiatric doctors that will come it takes time for him to at least reduce or manage it. Can a math person get married? Can you marry somebody who's really crazy. Somebody with down syndrome

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Can you marry the person? And somebody who is autistic, should they get married?

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There are so many people with different mental health situations. And we try to diagnose before you get into the marriage, whether you can coupon or it's not that you marry the person, but you have to know very well what to expect. Without before you go to sleep at night, you have to wear this bulletproof.

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Well, you have to wear a helmet.

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Anyhow, at least you know what you're going into right? Then what of belief have the the belief of that right are key that is part of it. Right perception of life, perception of woman, some people, some men look at women as people who keep quiet.

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Some many that believes forget about going to school, this belief system is very paramount. Some men don't look at women as human beings. And they believe that you have to beat a woman very well, if you want her to hear what. Yes, they believe that you have to engage a woman you have to you have to like instead of this marriage ring, quote unquote, for a woman, some people have wrong perception of human beings generally, he doesn't have any regard for human life. Some people's perception of marriage is hedonistic. Let me get married and enjoy. They are not ready to enjoy or or you know, suffer anything. Some look at marriage as as progressive.

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You want to marry someone who is rich so that you can also get rich. This is some men's perception. Some women also think this way. If we do counseling for you, we tell you, oh boy, this is exactly what we're thinking. Are you sure this woman want to marry a person like you?

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Some people don't know what you terrible. And so that's really how I am going to begin to tell people about themselves to delay. I'm muting myself for the first time. I never knew I'm like that. And then let me quickly rose number four knowledge. Yes, we teach you knowledge, rights and adequate information about marriage and real understanding about how a marriage works. The wisdom about how marriage works, you can go to school, you can have PhD,

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you have to understand how a marriage marry doesn't work like a company. You don't run a marriage as if it's a slave and master relationship. Everybody has their own rule. I always mentioned this is like the two wheels of a bicycle, one in the front one behind. The one in the front is one that's direct and the one behind what is attached to the pedal. Which of them is more important.

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Oh, which of them is the man which of them is the woman?

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The one in the front? Is the man. The one behind is the woman. Which of them is more important? No one.

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What if the one in the back stops pedaling?

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What's going to happen? no movement. What did one the front stops giving direction, what happens?

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There'll be movement when you go into the ditch. What if one is rolling faster than the other what happens? If you don't understand that? Look, we have to synchronize and work together to make this bicycle of marriage to work, there will be on the spot. deep understanding and analogy of how marriage works. I mentioned the shoe analogy just now. And I believe that you know and then number five, finally, acceptance and commitment.

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You can have it all.

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You can't get it all. You have to manage some aspects and accept some aspects. Because marriage sometimes is manage. You have to look at the good side. And maybe you close your eyes at the other side. If it's not too too crucial, not too important.

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dose a peacock sync.

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Peacock does this sync.

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peacocks don't think you can be as beautiful as that as he be able to sync you can have it all.

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You can have it all. A Nightingale may be very small, but look at the sound that comes out of it.

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What sound does a giraffe make?

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Does it talk

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just grown through, can speak. If it were the size of the neck that makes somebody to speak he should be the loudest animal on earth.

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But you can't possibly have such big neck as he be able to speak.

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You can never have it on in life. You will have some part or you may lack some part. But be careful. You must understand who you are and be as sincere as you can in everything that you do. sincerity and piety. They now come on top. It is easy.

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To teach somebody how to perform ablution, but you may not be able to teach somebody, how to have piety, it's a journey that you have to make by yourself. And you have to recognize who you are, and know who the other person is. If not, you will just be a crocodile that thinks is a lizard

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that you miss you say you mess up yourself. We are crocodile that is meant for the universe. Now you are behaving like a like a lizard that is that wants to climb the wall can a crocodile climb the wall? You told me making a fool of yourself because you don't know your worth, you don't know yourself. If a warm, what are you doing in the plate of spaghetti.

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You have to understand that that is not a place for you. Spaghetti may look like you. But that is not where you should go. If you go there, something's wrong with your head. And they will begin to show you that a snake is not the same thing as an awkward begin to let you understand that the will is not the same thing as the catfish. And then you get to understand how life works. Generally, counseling is very, very important. We assume that we know it all. And unfortunately, marriage is one institution you enter into. And you get certificate on the deal with assumption. What do you know, there are many more things that we need to know. And we should try our best to learn with

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whatever opportunity we've gotten for ourselves. binaca is one of such organizations. Women in power also offer counseling, so many other organizations. Idea Medina Sana, I don't know if she's there. She also does something like that. There are so many organizations mica they have people do that. If you go to NASA and Saudi gene, all of those other organizations, they have one form or the other. betoken is actually just an organization that does only that don't do another thing apart from that every day. That's what we do. And we print a wall, avail ourselves and see how we can benefit from it. There are many other people that surrounds buying a home, there are medical doctors, there are

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health doctors, and then there are scholars that are sheiks who will tell you what she has is about what and what and what. And then we have psychologists also who diagnose you and tell you exactly who you are. May Allah make it easy for us and forgive our sins to increase our knowledge and the increase was in wisdom. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.