Abdulfattah Adeyemi – Identity Criss and Polygamy
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the concept of identity, including physical appearance, language, and digital identity. They stress the importance of accepting and breaking "will" and "willingly" concepts in relationships, and emphasize the dynamic process of change. The speakers also touch on the topic of "head," "will," and "willful" concepts in relationships.
AI: Summary ©
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Identity and self-worth.
First, what is identity?
Identity is the lens through which we view
ourselves and the way we are perceived by
the world around us.
It is the composite characteristics of your beliefs,
your experiences and the roles that define who
we are at any given time.
Identity is when you have to ask yourself
the question, who am I?
Or if somebody asks you, who do you
think you are?
Who do you think you are?
It is the story we tell ourselves about
our place in the world.
But let me tell you, identity is not
only one, it has a lot of layers.
We have personal identity of what you know
about yourself.
There is also social identity, your profession, what
people call you, how they address you, they
call you doctor, they call you missus, they
call you this and that.
We also have the cultural identity, you are
a royal highness, you are a prince or
a princess.
And then we have the spiritual identity that
is what you believe in, your spirituality.
Of course, nowadays we also have digital identity.
All of these filters we use on social
media that's not truly you.
And that's why you see many people, they
look very nice and, you know, happy going
on the social media.
Don't believe it, it's a scam.
But let me tell you briefly how identity
is a dynamic process.
Throughout our lives we change, we adapt and
we grow and our identities are always evolving.
It is not who you married 10 years
ago.
And I hope you all remember what Royce
was saying earlier on.
The person you married 10 years ago is
not the same person now.
Don't forget our identities change.
You married a single man 10 years ago.
Now your husband is now a husband, is
now a father of boys and girls, is
now a hustler looking for sustenance, is now
something else in his place of work, is
many things to many people.
Stop thinking that your husband is the same
person that was before.
And don't think your wife is the same
woman.
She was opaque before, slim and nice.
But by the time childbearing started coming in,
she has become very ectomorphic.
You'll find out the meaning of that.
She has become something that you can't even
recommend again.
She used to be slim like rake, now
she is gurudon.
Then what used to be popo before, a
pair of popo is now like bathroom slippers.
This life, eh?
Please take that from me.
We change with time.
Your husband is not the same as he
used to be and your wife is not
the same as she used to be.
Identities have changed.
So don't go there beating yourself to say,
how can he do this to me?
I thought I knew him.
I thought I knew her.
When you were there cruising, thinking that you've
got a woman around the messenger, she has
already changed now.
Life suffering has made her to become harder.
Struggling for survival has made your husband to
become cruel in a way.
He had garnered more venom in himself.
Allah gave him these venoms to protect his
family.
So he has to be harsh.
He has to take some decisions sometimes without
consulting you.
Because he knows this is responsibility and he's
going to answer for it in the sight
of Allah.
So don't be disappointed.
Many things change.
Things are not always the way they used
to be.
Accept the fact that we change and our
identities will not always be the same.
If you don't accept that, then polygamy will
be very difficult for you.
You think your husband will keep eating this
kind of soup you have been preparing all
this while?
When people didn't have money, he was managing
all sorts of soup.
Some of you will prepare soup, the other
will be using straw because it's so watery.
And then he will swallow something.
And some of you women have been suffering
and managing with this man for many years.
But suddenly things will change.
You'll run into problems when you also refuse
to evolve in your own way.
Your husband will leave you behind if you
refuse to grow.
He will say, let's go to programs.
Then you have other things to do.
You'll become now clumsy.
You don't dress well anymore.
You don't look like that kind of lady
he used to know.
Then suddenly one of that lady appears and
he's like, ah, what have I been suffering
all this while?
Sometimes that is why some men do it.
In a nutshell, you begin to start, you
know, from your heart, you start breaking piece
by piece because you refuse to accept the
fact that people change.
Then from a broken heart to a shattered
mind, from a broken spirit to a ruined
body, from a broken promise to fragmented faith,
from a broken marriage to a damaged destiny,
and from a broken life to a worthless
experience, the reality of your fragility begins to
stare you in the face.
You begin to confront your vulnerability.
You begin to question your purpose in the
marriage.
What am I doing here?
And you begin to doubt your sanity.
Am I okay?
Am I okay?
And this is what brings us to the
concept of fragility in the Qur'an.
Qur'an, Surah Al-Ma'ari, chapter 70,
verse 19.
Allah says, Allah
says indeed human beings have been created to
be reactionary.
It's our nature to react to things.
Whenever something bad happens, we are so touched.
We feel so disappointed.
We feel so worried because it is not
the same thing that we thought life will
continue with forever.
We respond to changes in those ways.
But when good things come to us, we
are very negatively.
We hold it onto ourselves.
My husband and I have suffered all these
years.
Now that things are getting better for him,
it has to be mine, only me, and
alone.
We become negatively.
You don't want to share with anyone.
This is exactly what the Qur'an says.
And that is, you have to become anti
-fragile.
Ask yourself, how fragile am I?
How fragile am I?
How easily breakable am I?
It takes some kind of iman and training
yourself before you'll be able to realize how
anti-fragile you are supposed to be.
How much of pain can you take before
you break?
That is the trial of polygamy.
Islam wants you to train to be anti
-fragile because this life has been created like
that.
To be able to go through stress without
crumbling.
Some of us, we can be calm, but
the moment of chaos, when things begin to
crash down on us, are you going to
crumble?
Are you going to break?
To be fragile is to cling to the
fixed form, singular identity, afraid of change, afraid
of loss, afraid of marriage, afraid to evolve.
To be fragile is to fear that who
you are might disintegrate into life's unpredictability or
polygamous volatility.
Anti-fragility is what makes you to know
that polygamy is part of life.
Transform your life.
Edit your universe.