Abdulfattah Adeyemi – Emotional Safety In The Home

AI: Summary ©
The importance of purpose and engagement in life is emphasized, along with the need for a sense of direction and purpose to achieve goals and values. Engagement is essential in achieving a flow state and building a healthy relationship, as it is crucial for happiness and balance in relationships. Laughter and empathy are noted as positive emotions that help establish a safe haven for both parties.
AI: Summary ©
In a world filled with chaos and uncertainty,
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I am Abdul Fattah Adeyemi.
Emotional safety in the home.
Your emotions in the home is going to
guarantee you some form of safety in the
home.
Like we have seen, we have all of
these emotions all around us.
Let's see what we can say about some
of them.
One of the key aspects of Islamic psychology
and understanding is when you see what is
right and you try to promote it.
But for the mainstream psychology, they look for
what is wrong and they try to fix
it.
We get it just now.
They look for what is wrong so that
we can fix it.
But Islam looks for what is right so
it can be promoted.
So what can you promote in your family
as a couple that is going to make
your emotions and feelings useful for you?
Number one of them is purpose.
P for purpose.
You have to have a sense of direction
in life.
You have to have a sense of purpose
in life.
You have to know what gets you out
of bed in the morning apart from coffee
and apart from your phone.
What exactly are the clear goals and values
that guide your decisions in life?
What are the feelings that you have that
are connected to something that is larger than
yourself?
How do you experience motivation and direction?
How do you live a life that aligns
with your values and passions?
People who are living a non-purposeful life
or non-purposeful or purposeless marital life, they
will always have problems with their emotions.
It's like, okay, what are we even doing
here?
Allah tells us why we have come to
this world.
I have created mankind and jinn kind so
they may worship me.
Allah has a purpose of why he has
created us.
But why are you in that marriage?
Are you an answer to my why?
Do you fulfill an answer to my prayers?
Are you the something I'm looking for?
Am I the something you are also looking
for?
What is the something about you that can
fulfill the something about me?
What is the something I'm here to achieve
in this world that you constitute a something
that can guarantee me the something to achieve
the something that I'm here to do in
this world?
Are you my something or somebody else's something?
That's how you ask yourself the purpose.
What am I doing here?
Number two, engagement.
You have to be fully engaged and absorbed
in some meaningful activities.
It is being fully absorbed and engaged in
something that makes sense.
When time disappears, when snacks are forgotten, and
when your network data finished three hours ago
and you didn't notice, that is when you
are fully engaged in something that can give
you what we refer to as the flow.
The flow state is where hours feel like
minutes, and just five more minutes turns into
where did the day go?
It's like, this flow that you must achieve
in your life and your marriage is like
when you are reciting the Quran.
And you get so absorbed in reading the
Quran that you start swinging back and forth.
You start leaning forward and backward without realizing
that you are actually doing that as it
happened to you before.
You are reading the Quran and you are
just going like this, Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, Sayyiduna
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, You are swinging and you didn't realize
you are swinging.
That is the flow.
What are the things, what exactly are the
things that constitute the flow of your life?
What is the flow of your job?
What is the flow of your marriage?
Is your marriage actually flowing?
Or you've got abscess?
If you are observing, we humans, you see
we have pipes all over our body.
The veins that carry blood is like a
kind of pipe.
And if it is flowing easily, that is
why you don't feel pain.
If it should stop somewhere, you have abscess
and you have pains.
Because we don't flow, husband and wife, we
don't flow together.
We don't gel together.
We don't move together.
We don't chill together.
We don't warm together.
Then you've got abscess.
Everything is standing still like somewhere in Lagos.
What are you productively engaged in that gives
you satisfaction?
The quality time and the attention that your
marriage deserves.
These are serious pointers to our emotional safety
in the home.
Do you flow in the home?
If you don't flow, then you will not
grow.
If you flow in the home, it's the
people that flows that can generate what we
refer to as flower.
Because they flow, they become flowers and that's
what we call flower.
If there's no flower in your marriage, if
you don't flow, you cannot grow flower.
You are going to be all thorns and
you are going to be pain in each
other's backside.
So that is engagement.
What are you engaged in doing that makes
you to flow and to grow?
Number three, relationships.
What are the supportive connections you have with
each other?
Who are you relating with?
Who are those contacts in your phone?
If you check your phones now, you will
have no less than 2,000 contacts.
You got many contacts on your phone, right?
The question is, what are they doing there?
Did you get these numbers or these numbers
got you?
Your friends on the phones, did you make
them your friends or your friends made you
their friends?
If we comb through all of these contacts,
in what ways are they related to you?
What do they do to you?
What emotional support do they offer you?
What mutual trust and respect do you get
from the people you relate with?
And do you feel safe with those people
around you?
Do you feel safe emotionally with your spouse?
Do you feel safer with everyone else apart
from with your spouse?
Then how do you relate with people?
Why is everyone trying to avoid you?
Will it be that you are the toxic
one in the relationship?
You got to check yourself.
If something is wrong with this relationship, then
you will not be emotionally safe in that
relationship.
What are you relating with each other for?
On what basis are you cordial to each
other?
In what basis are you cordially living together?
When there's a cord that connects the mother
to the son, you see the flow and
you can understand that kind of relationship of
nurturing.
But this cord between you and your husband
and you and your wife, what does it
do?
What does it pass?
What do you pass to one another as
a couple?
And when there's this cord, we say you
are in accord with one another.
But when this cord has problems, we say
you have marital discord.
And when there's marital discord, anything can happen
from there.
Mind it very well.
If you are cordial with people that give
you emotional rollercoaster, that don't give you peace
of mind, it means it's not working.
That marriage is not working anymore.
Then what about M?
That's the meaning.
Finding significance and purpose in life experience.
What is the meaning of your life?
What's the point of all this?
Sometimes you discover that you are preoccupied with
things that are none of your business.
In marriage.
And sometimes you feel like, who sent me
here?
What am I doing in this marriage?
Who sent me to come and carry this
load that's not my own?
Life's purpose involves uncovering the reasons you are
here.
Besides paying school fees and wondering what to
cook for supper, there should be something more
important in your life that you should be
doing.
What is the meaning of this marriage of
yours?
And A, for accomplishment.
Do you know that growing old is a
trap?
Have you ever thought of that?
You just be like, exactly what have I
been doing with my life?
And you can't go back to be young
again.
So, adulting is 90% pretending that you
know what you are doing.
Most of the time we just think we
have it all figured out.
Until when you get old, then you see
what you have achieved, you see what you
have gathered, you see what you have collected,
you see what you have been busy doing,
and then you feel like you have been
scammed big time.
Yes, life has scammed many of us because
we don't know that we are not accomplishing
anything.
In your marriage, what do you do?
What do you celebrate?
What do you accomplish?
Do you read Quran together as husband and
wife?
Do you fast and break your fast together
on Mondays and Thursdays?
Do you gather some money and donate some
to the orphanage as a couple?
When was the last time you ever bought
pen for children in early year primary schools
as a matter of Sadaqah to them?
If you don't have that sense of accomplishment
of what we are achieving together as husband
and wife, then you are not going to
emotionally stay.
And then nurturing.
How do we nurture each other?
You cannot pour from an empty cup.
You cannot give what you don't have.
If you have a list of the people
that you should care about, make sure you
are number one on that list.
If you don't know how to take care
of yourself, you can't take care of anyone.
If you don't know how to enjoy life,
you cannot bring enjoyment to any other person.
If you don't know how to be happy,
you can't make anybody to be happy.
So you got to have your own emotions
and you got to learn how to deal
with your emotions.
You don't expect your husband to be the
one to come and sit down and listen
three hours for you to be ranting and
complaining about your feminine, female, cheeky, cheeky things.
No, your husband is not your friend, he
is your husband.
So many of you complain, he doesn't listen
to me, he doesn't have time to hear
me out.
He is not a woman.
Look for ladies like you and go and
emote in their presence.
You don't expect your husband to deal with
your PMS. You don't expect your husband to
be the one to sit you down, watch
you cry, rant over things and then you
think, okay, most men don't have that time
because they are not created for that.
Look for a counsellor or get a mirror
and cry to the mirror.
Yes, cry to the mirror and take selfie
while you are crying.
So you will be like, how do I
look, how do I look crying like this?
I'm crying over money, I'm crying over life,
I'm crying over my feelings, I'm crying over
my hormonal changes, I'm crying over my menses,
I'm crying over my babies.
Cry my sister, get a bucket, cry it
full, you will be alright.
So in other words, if you can't take
care of your emotions, you can't expect people
to do it for you all the time.
So sisters, deal with it on your own
as a woman.
Look for ladies that understand what we are
talking about.
Stop putting all on your husband.
If you want to be happy, that's what
I'm saying.
If you want to have emotional balance, you
got to take care of that.
Brothers too, well brothers don't emote much, but
we have our own ways of doing our
things.
We have our brother's codes.
Don't go home and start putting all your
emotions on your wife.
Go to the masjid, see the imam or
the muadin, see amir.
Talk to them so that they can remove
some of the things that they have in
your mind.
Don't go home and be frowning and burning
your face and behaving like a lion.
Then you go home, people talk to you,
answer with your nose.
Then you are not pleasant.
Your wife is happy, she is singing, she
is dancing, you get her and say, don't
you have better things to do?
Excuse me, what's your business?
Keep your own emotion aside.
Let this woman have a nice time.
So don't attack each other's emotions.
Deal with yourself and then you can come
back together and do what is good together.
And then we have the emotions generally.
Do you remember that happiness is contagious?
Do you remember that?
Experiencing happiness and gratitude and contentment, they are
things that can be very good for us
to give us that stability.
Brothers and sisters, when was the last time
both of you laughed and your ribs ached?
Husband and wife, this is a challenge.
When was the last time both of you
were laughing and you were rolling on the
ground?
You have not been doing that?
Or when was the last time both of
you laughed and you tapped each other's hand
in high five?
Tap like that, husband and wife.
When was the last time you laughed and
you took a loan at work?
And people would be like, what happened?
You say, I just remembered a joke we
cracked with my wife yesterday.
Or something my husband said that was too
funny.
When was the last time that you forwarded
a funny skit or video to your spouse?
How would you feel safe with someone that
cannot make you laugh?
And sometimes, it's not that people are not
ready to make you laugh, you are the
one that doesn't know even how to laugh.
You know some people will be holding laughter.
You know?
They can say somebody is stingy.
My sister.
Some people are stingy with laughter.
Yeah.
He doesn't laugh.
He doesn't smile.
He doesn't joke.
Please, what kind of a person is that?
And you know some of our brothers, they
will go to a wedding event, a wedding
party.
They will just stand like that and be
looking.
As in, I'm a sahaba here.
Yeah, I'm a sahaba on court.
No.
Let us have fun.
Let's make happiness.
Let's create joy.
Let's please each other.
It is what pleases us that we say
is pleasant.
Do pleasant things so that you can be
pleased with one another.
And it is when we are pleased with
each other by doing pleasant things, that's when
you enjoy the pleasure of marriage.
The pleasure of marriage can come when we
do and say pleasant things to each other.
And that brings us to niceness and kindness.
Being nice.
Being kind.
These are things Allah has never joked with
all of these things.
Allah Akbar.
What of the warmth?
What of the hospitality?
What of the virtues of benevolence and charity?
What of niceness that doesn't require being a
saint per se?
It doesn't require so much wealth.
It's just basic human decency for you to
be nice towards one another.
You've got to listen attentively and empathetically offer
genuine smiles and compliments to one another.
Speak kind words to people.
Live with your wife with maroom.
With niceness.
For the last time, you bought boxers as
a gift for your husband.
And he's the only one that's supposed to
be doing everything.
Then men, you don't know that you're supposed
to be nice to your wife after your
ibadah.
And let me tell you.
Let me tell you one thing that is
most difficult.
When it comes to being nice to one
another, couples.
You know what is most difficult?
Forgiving each other when we are angry.
And that is the most difficult thing for
us to do.
What types of crimes has anger not led
people into committing?
People have killed, people have destroyed because they
were angry.
Marriages have been broken.
Hearts have been broken.
Homes have been broken.
Children have been broken because we are angry.
And anger is a deviation from celebration.
It's an aberration to meaningful articulation.
You just kind of talk without saying anything.
And you say things without actually talking.
And so anger makes you to shout.
It makes you to scream.
It makes you to hate.
It makes you to hate.
It makes you to hurt.
And it makes you to cry.
Then it makes you to suffer.
And makes you to do stupid things.
Real stupid things that make you look really
stupid.
And even stupid people will call you stupid.
Because of what you have said out of
anger.
What you have done out of anger.
Anger makes you mess up your life.
It will mess up your marriage.
Mess up your career.
Mess up your relationship.
And mess up your destiny.
We cannot completely rid ourselves of the emotion
of anger.
But we must not allow it to be
cloud our other noble emotions of patience.
And understanding.
Please.
Let's forgive one another.
This is one of the most difficult thing
for couples to do.
If you can try the Quran says Those
who spend Allah's course in prosperity and adversity.
And who repress their anger.
And who pardon others when they offend them.
And Allah love those who are good doers.
You understand what that means?
It means Allah knows there are times we
are going to be pissed off with ourselves.
Sorry I am not supposed to say that.
Pissed off.
Is this Islamic?
Yes.
I don't want to say pissed off.
What else should I say apart from pissed
off?
You understand?
Ok.
I don't want to say it again.
I have said pissed off several times.
Sometimes we just piss each other off.
But what do you want to do?
We have to forgive.
You know?
That is the trial of our Iman.
As far as I am concerned that is
the best way to prove your Iman with
Allah.
To forgive someone even when you are angry.
Even when you are annoyed.
And you still move on.
Not that you are not going to talk
about it.
Not that you are not going to address
it.
But you are ready to forgive.
If husband does it and wife does it.
This is going to stabilize our emotions.
You don't have to edit yourself to speak
to your husband anymore.
Because you know that whatever thing you say,
he will not judge you.
He will not use it against you.
Even if you make mistake, he will forgive
you.
Is it not better for us to do
that?
And finally, talent.
We must recognize each other's talent.
Everybody will find it easy to do the
things that Allah has created them for.
What are your talents?
What are your gifts?
What are you bringing to the family?
Everyone has got his super powers.
Just that we cannot fly.
But these talents are your ability to worship
Allah.
To do the right thing.
And to grow and to thrive in Allah.
As a couple, we should celebrate each other's
talents and gifts.
That way, we can have that sense of
belonging and sense of achievement.
We can feel safe.
We can feel honored.
We can feel appreciated.
And we can feel love in our home.
And this is where Allah says finally, And
Allah has put love and mercy in your
hearts.
There cannot be love without mercy.
And there cannot be mercy without love.
These are the biggest emotions that we have
to have for one another.
To truly love each other.
To truly show mercy on each other.
And then to have that safe haven, the
safe home of Sakina.
And that's why Allah says, So
they can find peace and tranquility in each
other.
This is how to find a safe haven,
a safe home.
So that they can experience what a safe
haven is.
The Garden of Eden.
So I've mentioned P-E-R-M-A
-N-E-N-T as mnemonics for all
of those things I've mentioned.
So that they have permanent peace of mind.
And permanent safe place for us to thrive
and to grow and to worship Allah.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
Peace.
Peace.
Peace.
Peace.
Peace.
Peace.