AbdelRahman Murphy – Heartwork Guided Steps To The Path Of Allah #21
AI: Summary ©
The segment discusses the importance of understanding the spirituality of one's relationship with Islam, avoiding silly behavior, self-control, and avoiding distraction. It also emphasizes the need for quiet self-awareness and protecting oneself from anger. The speaker also highlights the importance of finding a partner and finding a family member for one's success in relationships, as well as finding a partner in a relationship.
AI: Summary ©
Welcome home, everybody.
It's good to see you here.
Alhamdulillah.
Welcome back to Roots.
For those of you who it's your first
time, welcome.
Alhamdulillah.
For those of you who've been coming, welcome
back.
It's good to see everybody here.
We are reading from a wonderful text by
Imam al-Muhasibi, and we're making our way
through.
I think this is session number 20.
So I think we're going to do about
three or four more.
I'm going to try to summarize the rest
of his writing.
But effectively what he wrote was a recipe
for spiritual success and how to take your
spiritual growth from stage zero, like the introduction,
all the way to higher levels of God
consciousness, of being a person who's connected to
Allah subhana wa ta'ala.
And the reason why books like this are
so important is because many times, whether you
are born into Islam, whether you converted to
Islam, or whether you were born into it
and later engaged, there's oftentimes a very heavy
emphasis on Islamic law and ritual, which of
course we know without a doubt is necessary.
We have to know how to pray.
We have to know how to fast.
These are things that if we don't know
them, we won't be able to fulfill them.
But sometimes when we focus on these things
in the absence of thinking about the wisdoms
and reflecting on how these things should affect
us, then it's almost like being told to
go to an amazing restaurant that's very famous
for a specific type of dish but not
knowing what the dish is.
And so we have the understanding of the
ritual, but we need the reflection on how
the ritual affects us.
And this is what Imam al-Hasibi is
giving us now.
So we've all heard the advice from the
Prophet ﷺ.
We've all heard Islam tell us, for example,
to not be angry.
How many of you have ever heard that?
It's part of Islam to not become angry.
You guys ever heard this before?
The Prophet ﷺ was one time asked by
somebody, what's the best thing that I should
do?
And he said, لا تغذب.
Don't get angry.
And he told them this multiple times.
So we've heard the hadith, but how many
of us have really reflected and thought about
what entering into a state of anger does
and how destructive it is?
So Imam al-Hasibi goes over things like
this, and tonight we're going to talk about
it, inshaAllah.
Last week, kind of tied to anger a
little bit, we discussed the culture that is
ever so prevalent on the internet.
What would we do without TikTok, subhanAllah?
What would we do without the internet?
The culture of debate, right, مناظرة, debate and
discourse and argumentation.
And Imam al-Hasibi, he puts forth an
advice and a reminder, where he basically says,
don't debate.
Don't argue about religion.
When it comes to religion, do not get
into the weeds, as they say.
And if somebody's trying to pull you into
an argument, don't argue with them.
There's nothing good coming out of a religious
argument or an argument on religion.
So the general advice to every Muslim is
don't engage in this stuff, because ultimately both
people who are arguing end up in some
way losing.
And that's because people typically who argue are
not like trained.
It's like two people who are not healthcare
specialists talking about healthcare, or two people that
are not lawyers talking about law.
When you don't have the training, all the
argumentation is just hot air.
We don't actually know, so we're just arguing.
It's kind of like politics right now.
Everyone's got an opinion.
But in reality, no one knows what the
truth of the matter is.
And that's why we defer that and we
give that back to Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala.
So he says, when it comes to religion,
don't argue.
And there's another book, by the way, where
Imam Zarnuji talks about what happens when you
argue, what happens when a person argues.
You know what he says?
He says three or four things happen.
I can't remember all of them off the
top of my head, but I think I
remember them actually.
He says, number one, is that you end
up pushing away actually learning something.
When you argue, you either don't know something,
and so when you argue, you're like, it's
almost like a defense response.
You're pushing away actually learning.
Or you think you know, and that's going
to stop you from learning more.
Or you're going straight to Google, and you're
Googling like, what is the ruling on Halloween?
And if somebody told you, don't trick or
treat this year, don't go to Halloween, don't
dress up, right?
You're 27, right?
Put the costume away.
You know what I mean?
There's no more concessions for you.
You're not a child.
But all of these, and then, oh, go
to Google, okay?
You know what's interesting is that when you're
searching for an answer, you have what's called
confirmation bias.
When you're already searching for an answer that
you want to prove, like, okay, I've already
arrived at this.
Now I need Google to give me the
verses and the hadiths to show me how
I can get there.
That's not knowledge.
That's not knowledge.
You're playing with this stuff, right?
So there's a lot of people that have
already kind of arrived at the answer that
they want, and then they're trying to go
to Islam to see how can I manipulate
this to get there.
Both ways, by the way, on both sides.
When I say both sides, I mean the
people that really want things to be halal,
and the people that really want things to
be haram.
And this is why the Prophet ﷺ, he
said something very powerful.
He said, what is halal is halal, even
if everybody around you says it's haram.
And what is haram is haram, even if
everybody around you says it's halal.
But he didn't say one way or the
other.
I know typically we have one side of
that.
Oh, what's haram is haram.
It doesn't matter if the whole world tells
you it's halal.
Takbir, right?
And usually UK Muslims.
But anyways, right?
But the other side is true too.
What is halal is halal.
It doesn't matter if people say, oh, I
don't think that's right.
Allah in the Qur'an says, لِمَا تُحَرِّمُ
مَا أَحَلَّ اللَّهُ لَكَ Allah is asking the
Prophet ﷺ, why did you make impermissible what
Allah has made permissible for you?
So when we talk about Islamic law, always
remember this.
Making something impermissible is very bad.
We can't say alcohol is halal.
No.
You can't say that something that is haram
is halal.
Absolutely not.
But you know what's equally bad?
Taking something that's permissible and making it impermissible.
Because you're taking the mercy of Allah and
you're shutting it down.
Allah didn't say that you couldn't do that.
Why are you telling people they can't do
that?
Why are you saying that?
The Prophet ﷺ one time he chastised somebody.
He said, why are you doing that?
You wanna make it hard on people?
You think that it's gonna make people closer
to Allah by doing this?
No.
In fact, the opposite is true sometimes.
Where if you make something that is not
in fact impermissible, but you make someone feel
guilty for doing it, you're actually pushing them
further away from Allah ﷻ.
So when it comes to what is right
or wrong in Islam, we try to leave
this to the experts.
We leave it to the experts, right?
People who have given their life.
I'm talking like 10, 15, 20, 25 years
studying this stuff.
Not people that are just, can I wear
nail polish?
That's not how you figure out a fatwa,
right?
That's not how we do that.
Sorry, sister.
Can I get a haram haircut?
You know like, can I get a fade?
Is it really haram?
You got like seven scholars.
It's haram.
You got like one who's like got the
fade himself.
You know like, everyone's confused, right?
Okay.
So the point being is, these things have
sources, and these sources have proper interpretation according
to legal scholarship.
Okay.
So he says, Imam al-Hasbi says, if
you're not there, don't open your mouth.
As they say, don't yap.
Right?
Just a lot of yapping going on.
Don't yap.
And TikTok is the house of yapping.
Where everybody wants to come out and say,
this is right, this is wrong.
I heard this, I heard that.
He says, you're losing your life.
And that's actually what Imam Zarnuji says.
He says, number one, you're pushing away knowledge.
Number two, you're losing your life.
Both in reality, like you're losing time.
You know, how many hours do you spend
arguing with somebody?
And then at the end of it all,
you're like, I can't believe I just wasted
my whole night.
I missed out on trick-or-treating completely
trying to defend Halloween, you know?
Okay.
So the person gives up their entire night,
sometimes weeks, sometimes months, sometimes years.
Every dinner party that people go to, the
culture of like discussing.
And imagine, subhanAllah, if instead of going to
dinner parties and socializing with friends, and talking
about things that really, there's no resolution, there's
no accomplishment made.
We're just talking about things like in speculation
mode, right?
Imagine if people got together and talked about
like, hey, how could I be better to
my wife?
And all the husbands talked about that.
What are some ways?
Or moms got together, how can I be
better to my daughter?
And we talked about that.
Can you imagine how beneficial these social gatherings
would be if we actually put like a
topic on the table that was practical?
Instead of it being like, what do you
guys think?
Is Imran Khan guilty?
What do you think?
Who cares what you think?
Like honestly, right?
And if you talk about it too much,
you might, you know, anyway.
So the point being is, practicality is part
of that.
And knowing your limit is also part of
that.
Okay, so he says, number one, knowledge runs
away from you like oil and water.
Number two, you lose your life.
Number three, and this is very interesting.
He says, وَيُرِثُ الْوَحْشَةُ وَالْعَدَاوَةُ He says, you
inherit this animosity.
You start to hate everybody.
You know, when you get involved in debate
and argumentation, you start to just hate everybody.
Become a hater.
And عداوة, you start to inherit enmity, which
means that you start to cut off people
that used to be your friend.
Oh, you did that?
I'm done with you.
Oh, you watch that?
I'm done with you.
Oh, you...
And subhanAllah, tell me of a really passionate
argument that ended with two people coming closer
together.
One out of a million?
The other 999,000 is what?
People arguing over something that they don't even
know about.
They waste their time talking about.
And now what?
Now they hate each other?
And the friends group they're a part of
has to be very careful.
Hey, you wanna come play ball?
Yeah, but you can't invite him.
Why?
He already confirmed.
Guys have drama too, by the way.
Big drama, right?
Just look at basketball leagues.
We have major drama, okay?
So, the point being, subhanAllah, is that argumentation
leads to almost nothing good.
Now, مَمُحَاسِبِ says, if you must.
If you must, meaning don't do it.
Are you sure?
Yes, don't do it.
Really?
Don't do it.
What if I have to?
If you must.
What does it mean must?
It means that you are up against very
clear ignorance.
Somebody is being very obstinate and just purely
ignorant in front of you.
And they're saying wrong things, they're misinforming people,
they're lying, they're just being off the wall
crazy about stuff.
Then he says there's an etiquette to this.
In Islam, remember this.
Everything that Islam allows or says to do
also has the right way to do it.
It also gives an etiquette, a form.
Allah doesn't say do without saying this is
how.
And the how to do is from the
Prophet ﷺ.
Allah says pray, the Prophet ﷺ says let
me show you how.
Allah says fast, the Prophet ﷺ says here's
exactly how you do it, right?
So, the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ with
argumentation, there's a few things that were mentioned.
He says adhere to proper etiquette.
Number one, I'll give you five things, okay?
Number one, never ever become disrespectful of the
topic itself.
Never become disrespectful of the topic itself.
Meaning if we're talking about Islam, if we're
debating about something with regards to Islam, we
cannot do, in Arabic they call it istighfah
or istighfah.
We can't make light or make mockery of
the topic even if you disagree with it.
You know, some people want to debate for
example about certain Islamic practices.
And in debate, in logic, it's not quite
an ad hominem, like you're not attacking the
person themselves, but you're attacking the religion and
that's actually a sign of foolishness in of
itself.
So, instead of being a person that's so
disparaging and so dis...
you know, trying to disqualify the religion, actually
be somebody, subhanallah, that even says, you know,
I don't agree with this but I can
see where this is coming from.
I can see where this is coming from.
So, number one, he says just uphold the
sanctity of Allah.
Do not lose respect for Allah in the
process of trying to defend the religion.
What's the point?
Mashallah, we got the adhans going off tonight.
I feel like I'm in Cairo.
Alright?
Okay, number one.
Number two, he said, always hold yourself to
a high standard when you engage in this
debate, in this discussion.
Don't be a person that sinks to the
tactics and the methods of really low people.
Alright?
We don't do this.
We don't engage in those tactics.
You know, you never have the Prophet ﷺ.
Like, if you look at how he engaged,
how did he debate?
He debated, by the way.
He did debate.
He had to.
He went toe to toe.
But you never see him referring to somebody
in a way that's disparaging.
He doesn't use bad language.
He never uses anything that could be marked
against him and his character.
I'll always say this, the Prophet ﷺ had
many people who disagreed with him, but they
never disagreed with how he spoke to them.
They would disagree with him, but they never
had an argument against him, his character.
They never could.
That was one of the strongest arguments in
the Qur'an.
Allah says, وَإِنَّكَ لَعَلَى خُلُقٍ عَظِيمٍ You are
such an amazing person.
These people have nothing against you.
And if you think about it in our
time, when you're debating against somebody, when you
kind of are done debating the idea, you
start to attack them as people, right?
Why?
Because you're trying to tear them down, thus
tearing down their ideas as well.
Number three, he says, if you have to,
hold Allah in high esteem.
Number two, have high standards for yourself.
Number three, he says, be sincere.
Be sincere means basically know when to take
the L.
Ma'ma Shafi'i, he used to debate.
He's very famous for debating, Ma'ma Shafi'i.
And he said before every debate in Islamic
law, I would make one prayer.
I would say, O Allah, please make it
the case that the truth becomes manifest by
the tongue of my opponent.
He was so sincere that he actually walked
into the debate saying, O Allah, allow me
to lose.
He was just that good.
It's a really amazing flex by the way.
He was that good at debating.
I'm not even Shafi'i, but he was
that good at debating.
That he would actually say, O Allah, let
the truth come from them.
Because, why?
Because the value of being humbled and feeling
sincerity and saying, you know what?
You're right, I concede.
I concede, you're right.
That feeling is very rare.
It's very rare.
And once you concede to somebody who's right
once, twice, three times, guess what happens?
You start to actually fall in love with
losing the pressure of winning.
Try this next time.
Next time you're arguing with somebody, try to
actually see if you can find a way
to take their side in the middle of
it.
Try to see if you can actually defend
their point.
Your nafs initially is gonna say like, no
way.
It's actually gonna cause like a response.
You're gonna have like heartburn.
But tongues is not gonna help.
It's a different kind of heartburn.
It's a spiritual heartburn, right?
You're not gonna be able to do it.
It's gonna be so tough.
But then subhanAllah, when you try, you know
what's gonna happen?
Then they're gonna try to help your case.
And you know what just happened in that
moment?
You both went from, instead of trying to
prove yourself, you tried to find the truth.
And the truth is oftentimes somewhere in the
middle.
Oftentimes, okay?
So Imam al-Shafi'i would do this.
So he says, be sincere.
Number four, he says, be thorough.
Don't be like a surface level debater.
Be a thorough person.
Don't take the easy win.
Don't be a person that just looks for
Google statistics and tries to manipulate facts.
No.
And then he says number five, once the
conversation is over, once everything has settled, once
things have been completed, thank Allah.
Why?
Because you're remembering that this had nothing to
do with you anyways.
Had nothing to do with you or me
anyways.
If we find out whether or not something
is halal, or haram, or makruh, or musahab,
or this, nothing to do with me.
No one's gonna write your name down in
the books.
There's no Guinness, you know, world record waiting
for you to win the argument.
When you come to a conclusion that your
opinion, or the opinion that you were following
was in fact the correct one or incorrect
one, everybody should say, walhamdulillahi rabbil alameen.
I'm just happy that that's over.
I'm happy that we have a clear path
forward.
I'm happy that we have the straight path.
I was talking about somebody, not about, whoa,
relax.
I was talking to somebody recently about something.
Sensitive, right?
Politics.
And they were asking me my opinion, which
I'm not gonna share tonight.
Or ever, because I like my life, okay?
And we were talking, and he was very
passionate.
And I was very passionate.
I'm Egyptian-Irish, so it's like impossible to
not be passionate.
And he's passionate, but he was like out
-passioning me, right?
Which is pretty crazy.
So we got to a point where it
was kind of like those WhatsApp debates where
it's just really not good, not productive.
And we got to a point where I
actually said to him, in the heat of
this, I said, you know what, man?
After all of this is said and done,
I hope you're right.
Like I really do hope you're right.
I actually hope that you can come to
me and say I told you so.
I really, really hope that.
I hope what you're saying is true.
I know everyone's dying to figure out what
he's saying.
I hope that what you're saying is true,
and I hope, inshallah, when it comes true,
that I'm wrong.
I hope I'm wrong.
Because that would mean that all of this
was irrelevant, and what's right is right, and
alhamdulillah, it's what's best for the community.
That's all I said.
And in that moment, he said the most
crazy thing.
He said, you know what?
I agree.
I hope I'm right.
So he really believes what he believes in,
right?
But the point being is you just say
alhamdulillah, and you move on.
And a lot of times, we get involved
in these very heavy disputes, and we don't
realize that there's an entire world that's moving
on without you.
An entire world.
How many people have sat here, wasted their
time, their life, their energy, trying to fight
and argue, and then like their family and
their friends are just moving on?
You know, they're missing things.
Everyone's sitting there at dinner, having a good
time.
Everyone's sitting there at one of the, mashallah,
mashallah, many Yemeni coffee shops in Dallas, having
their Adani shay and their lattes, and they're
sitting there, and everyone else is talking, and
you're just, you know?
And then the night is over, and everyone
else is like, that was really nice, and
you're like, what?
What was nice?
You just wasted your time, right?
So he says by doing this, when you
give thanks to Allah, it means that you've
maintained good etiquette in this process, okay?
Okay, so now, the next step that he
gives when he talks about how to grow
towards Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and it's
related.
You'll see the thread constantly.
We talked a little bit about being a
person who's humble, who can turn it down,
who can concede, who can give up.
All of that requires one characteristic, like one
trait that every person must have, and that
is the ability to conquer yourself.
That is the ability to not be angry,
the ability to control your anger.
In Islam, there are things that in their
essence have a default ruling.
Default ruling mean, this is the ruling, okay?
An example, okay, is sleeping.
What's the ruling for sleeping?
Is it halal, is it haram?
It depends.
Don't be cute.
What's the default ruling?
It's halal, it's permissible.
Very good, okay?
Except for when?
In Ramadan, you can sleep.
When is it restricted on a person to
sleep?
Again, don't think too hard about this.
Yeah, missing salah.
Very good, thank you.
So a person should not go to sleep
knowing that they're going to miss salah.
You got 10 minutes left for Asr, you're
like, now is a good time to take
a nap.
Right?
A little bit too much laughter there, but
that's okay, we'll move on.
So, that's important.
But the default ruling of sleep, no one
can say, oh, sleep is haram now, because
no, sleep, the default ruling is permissible.
But if a person is entering into the
last stages of a prayer time, and they're
like, oh, well, sleep is permissible.
No, no, no, not for you, not anymore.
You got to pray Asr first to make
it permissible again.
Okay?
So there's a default ruling, and then there's
the exceptional ruling.
So with sleep, it's permissible, but exceptionally, it
can become impermissible.
Okay?
Make sense?
Okay.
So you find this with a lot of
things, a lot of discussions, so what they
say is, subhanallah, anger, the default ruling is
that it is reprehensible.
Not impermissible, because it's a human trait.
You can't make impermissible what's human.
But it's reprehensible.
It's a bad thing to have.
Anger is not a good characteristic.
Like generally speaking, and I know all the
angry people are like, but what about...
Okay, relax, you're a little angry.
Okay?
I say that as your people.
Okay?
Anger is a reprehensible trait.
However, there are times and moments where not
feeling anger is a problem.
Okay?
So before we get into the conversation about
the concession, the exception, I just want to
let you know that it's there.
Let's talk a little bit about anger in
general.
Conceptually, anger.
He says, Imam al-Hasibi says, distance yourself,
and he connects these two things, from the
desires of your soul and of getting angry.
The desires, the whims that your nafs has,
and getting angry.
What's the relationship between those two things?
Well, I'm sure you know, I'm gonna say
what everyone's probably thinking, which is, if you
can't control indulging in things, you're not gonna
be able to control getting angry.
If you can't control getting that second plate
of food, or having the dessert, or sleeping
through Fajr, or watching what you shouldn't be
watching, or talking about who you shouldn't be
talking about, if you can't control those things,
then it's a very difficult task to be
able to say, you know what, the next
time that I feel this burning rage inside
of me against somebody, I'm gonna figure out
a way to control it.
No, no, no.
You know, subhanallah, anger is one of the
things that the Prophet shallallahu alaihi wa sallam
says, it shaves.
He says it's the shaver.
And the companion said, shaver of what?
He said, imam.
He said, anger can actually shave your faith.
See, a lot of times we think that
anger is a sign of bravery, of courage,
right?
For the men, we think it's a sign
of being masculine.
Not necessarily.
In fact, one could argue that the inability
to control anger is the lowest form of
existence as a man, or a woman, or
anything.
It's the lowest form.
Your inability to hold your tongue back.
This is why the Prophet shallallahu alaihi wa
sallam said what?
He said, the strong one, the person who's
strong is not the one that can wrestle
somebody else to the ground.
And I know right now, Muslims are dominating
UFC, so this is kind of a weird
thing, right?
Every time you...
I don't watch UFC, because I don't think
it's permissible.
But anyways, and they hit the face.
But anyways, the point being is, Muslims are
absolutely killing it.
Every time I look at ESPN, it's like
some, you know, like central European name of
like Muhammad, Hamza.
You know, I'm just like, mashallah man, we
are killing it.
But subhanallah, the Prophet shallallahu alaihi wa sallam
said, those guys are not the strong ones.
They're not the strong ones.
Unless, they're able to control themselves when they
get angry.
It's not about winning in a fist fight,
or being able to use your tongue.
You know, some people think, oh, I'm so
good.
I'm so sharp.
And they take pride in that.
Be careful.
The Arabs used to say, my tongue is
like a knife.
I'm sharp.
And some people are like, yeah, that's like
a Twitter bio, right?
Don't cross me, I'll cut you with my
words, right?
Tell me somebody who has that, I'll point
you to somebody who has no friends.
Okay, so...
So, we take pride in the wrong things.
Oh, I'm so strong.
Oh, I'm so sharp.
Oh, I'm so...
I'm just blunt.
You know, if somebody walks around like, I'm
just blunt.
I'm just real with people.
No, not okay.
The real strong person is the one who
can behave in a way that when they
are feeling irritated, or frustrated, or angry, the
person that they're with, inshallah, should not be
able to tell.
That's true strength.
That's true strength.
You know, it's like being around somebody that's
fasting and not knowing they're fasting.
That's true fasting.
No one wants to be around a person
who's fasting, they're like, oh, when's Maghrib?
They're like, sunset.
They're like, when?
At that point, you're like, just don't fast.
You know, like just...
or fast alone.
Somebody who always has to talk about what
they're doing is not really displaying any strength
with that.
So a person that's talking, oh, I'm so
angry right now, but I'm not gonna say
anything.
Okay, then don't say anything, including how angry
you are.
Don't say anything.
The Prophet s.a.w. said that the
strong one is not the one who can
wrestle and pin someone down.
It's the person who can control themselves when
they are angry.
So Imam al-Hasbi says, number one, the
first step on that path is being able
to control yourself.
Ask yourself right now, tonight, 8.01 p
.m., Monday night, when is the last time
that I have wanted something?
And especially things that are permissible.
But you know, you can also maybe think
about things that we struggle with.
And I have been able to say no
to myself.
When's the last time?
When's the last time I actively wanted something?
And by the way, brothers are like, yeah,
I wanted that Ferrari.
Yeah, you can't afford that.
You're not actually saying no to yourself, right?
Because self-control is when you can actually
afford it.
Or when you can actually have access to
it.
That's what self-control is.
Self-control is not, oh, man, I'm so...
Self-control is when it's right in front
of you.
And when it's in reach.
And maybe add this layer.
No one's around.
Nobody would know.
Nobody would know.
You could get away with it.
It's not free.
Nobody would have any clue.
Have you been able to control yourselves in
those moments?
Have I?
Have I been able to control myself?
Only Allah knows.
May Allah give us that strength.
That strength.
You know, and subhanAllah, one of my teachers,
he told me something.
The Prophet, peace be upon him, used to
use this phrase, the sweetness of faith.
That, you know, may Allah give us all
the sweetness of iman.
Right?
That's a dua that would be made.
You know what's interesting?
SubhanAllah, my teacher used to say, the highest
level of sweetness of faith, like the sweetest
of mangoes that you can imagine, of iman
is when you are alone and you obey
Allah.
When you're alone.
You know, it's when you are watching something
by yourself.
And the haram scene shows up.
And you know that nobody's there.
But you, because of your own taqwa, you
either shut it off or you fast forward
or do whatever you gotta do to get
that out of your face.
To get that stuff off your heart.
It's you, it's nobody else.
Or, there's a financial opportunity.
And you can walk away with something that
you didn't earn.
It would not be haram.
Right?
It's either cheating something or taking something or
time theft at work.
Something.
And you would get away with it.
But you don't indulge because you know that
Allah Ta'ala is watching.
You know, many of us have probably heard
the age-old story about the three boys.
Their dad gave them candy.
He said, go eat this where nobody can
see you.
You guys ever heard that one before?
No?
No one's heard this?
Okay.
It's an honor, by the way, to be
the person to first tell you this story.
Because this is like an Ammu tradition.
There was a kid yesterday that called me
Ammu.
I almost died.
He goes, Ammu.
I was like, listen.
We gotta have a talk later.
He's like 16.
I was like, you relax, okay?
So I can still hit a jump shot
in your face.
So the famous story goes, and I'm not
sure if it's an Asad or if it's
just one of the, you know, like from
the Tabira, it's just like something that was
told.
It was a father who had sweets and
he gave his son each, you know, three
kids one sweet, one sweet, one sweet.
He said, go and eat this where nobody
can see you.
So the first son ran to the forest
in their property and he went deep into
the forest.
He waited till it got dark and then
he went and he ate it.
And he said, okay, I did it.
And then the second one went into the
house and hid in the corner behind the
shelf.
This and that one, he ate it.
And the third one just stood there with
their dad, with his dad the whole time.
So then finally they came back and then
the dad said, where did you eat it?
Where did you eat it?
He said, I ate it in the forest.
No one was there.
Oh, wow, good thinking.
I ate it in the house.
I was hiding in the dark.
Oh, good thinking.
And the third son said, I didn't because
you said no one.
And I know that Allah can always see
me.
Which normally in a non-emotional setting, we
would all make fun of that kid and
be like nerd, right?
But that kid was right.
That kid was right, okay?
That if you try to think that there
is any moment or time where nobody can
see you, you have to remember that Allah
Ta'ala is the one who's Al-Basir.
He can watch.
He is watching.
He knows.
But he's not watching like the paranoid security
camera.
He's watching like the loving Rabb.
Allah is cheering you on.
In that moment, he's cheering you on.
He wants to see you win.
He wants to see you succeed.
A lot of times Allah is framed as
the one who's waiting to drop the hammer
on us.
But why does Allah tell the angel on
your shoulder here when you make a mistake?
Allah says, don't write it.
The angel says, why?
Allah says, give them six hours.
For what?
For tawbah.
It's interesting.
My teacher said, why would Allah do that?
Because if you make tawbah, Allah will just
erase the sin, right?
Yes or no?
And he said, Allah does not even want
the marks of an eraser on your book.
That's how much he's cheering for you.
He wants you to show up on the
Day of Judgment with your book and there's
no eraser marks.
There's nothing.
It's just Allah giving you grace and time
to come back.
So when you think of Allah watching you,
you can't think of Allah watching you like
this audit, like this really scary observation.
No, this is the Allah who wants you
to win.
He wants you to do what's good.
Okay, so number one, hold yourself back.
Now, it's interesting because one of the signs
that you're succeeding in this, one of the
signs that you're succeeding in controlling your desires
is that you can control your anger, that
you are the one.
And this is why Allah Ta'ala in
the Quran, He mentions, وَأَمَّا مَنْ خَافَ مَقَامَ
رَبِّهِ وَنَهَى النَّفْسَ عَنِ الْهَوَى فَإِنَّ الْجَنَّةَ هِيَ
الْمَأْوَةِ Allah promises Jannah for the one who
is able to hold themselves back.
Not the perfect person, but the one who
can hold themselves back.
And then He says, anger intoxicates you like
alcohol.
Does anyone ever make a good decision when
they're angry?
Does anyone ever say something that they really
are proud of in a moment of anger?
No.
Now, again, everyone, we're all thinking the same
kind of anger right now.
I know we are in a moment of
perpetual anger for a specific reason.
And we'll get there.
But let us first cover the general before
we get to the concession, okay?
Because righteous anger is different than anger.
There is such a thing as righteous anger.
But let's talk about anger first.
So, He says, anger is like its own
intoxicant.
It's like a wine.
When a person drinks from the cup of
anger, it runs through their blood and causes
them to make choices, to say things and
do things that fill them with nothing but
regret.
With nothing but regret.
And just like alcohol has its own hangover,
so does anger.
The person who's angry and sends a text
message, the hangover, the after effect of that
intoxication is what?
The next day when they have to see
that person.
And they feel it.
The bitterness, the sourness.
And they say in that moment, most people,
if I were not upset, I would have
never said those words.
You know, there are times where you let
things flow off of your tongue or you
type them and you wish you could pull
them back.
With your words, you can't.
I know with iMessage now, you can unsend.
But TBH, the unsent message is more incriminating
actually.
When you're in a thread with somebody and
it just says Abdur Rahman unsent a message,
that person is like, what did you say?
They're like, nothing.
They're like, clearly you said something, right?
Come out with it, you know?
And then they have one iPad that they
didn't update.
So they go to the iPad and they
check it.
But the point being is, once those things
leave your lips or your thumbs, you can't
get them back.
And if we think that there's anything that
can be as destructive as this, Imam Al
-Muhasabi says, you might be kidding yourself.
So he says, hold yourself back from anger.
The Prophet, peace be upon him, one of
the companions came to him.
And he asked him, please give me advice.
And the Prophet, peace be upon him, repeatedly
said to him, do not become consumed with
anger.
Do not become overwhelmed with anger.
Now, everybody feels anger.
But don't let your anger get the best
of you.
You know, sometimes they say, don't be angry.
It's not always possible.
You're a human, but do not become overwhelmed
with it.
Do not let it make your decisions for
you.
Don't let it speak on your behalf.
Don't let it make your judgments for you.
Let your anger settle.
If you have to imagine anger in your
mind, it is a dust storm.
You can't see clearly.
You have to wait until everything's calm.
And you have to give yourself that time.
This is why when the Prophet, peace be
upon him, himself, became upset, in his home,
he retreated.
He took time away.
And he went to the roof of his
house.
He climbed up to the upper level of
his house.
And he spent time there by himself.
Do you see what he did?
He protected himself not by isolating everybody.
He isolated what?
Himself.
Not because the Prophet, peace be upon him,
was ever going to put someone in danger.
No.
But because he's modeling for us.
He's telling us.
When you get angry, the correct response is
not, has nothing to do with other people.
It has to do with yourself.
How can you protect people from your words?
Be quiet.
مَن كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الْآخِرِ فَلْيَقُلْ خَيْرًا
أَوْ لِيَسْمَتْ Allah Ta'ala, the Prophet, peace
be upon him, says, whoever believes in Allah
on the last day, say good or be
quiet.
Say something good or just be quiet.
A person will never regret what they didn't
say.
But they will almost always regret what they
accidentally said.
So if you're angry, keep your mouth closed.
If you're angry, don't do anything.
Don't make decisions.
Don't make choices in a state of anger.
Because Imam Al-Muhasibi says, it is like
this.
For this reason, he says, when you feel
yourself being overcome by anger, the Prophet, peace
be upon him, gave a few remedies.
I'm smiling because I just taught this to
my kids.
They're 7 and 5.
So, heart work is applicable to young professionals
and toddlers, okay?
He said that the person should first say
this phrase.
Everyone say it with me.
أَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ أَرَجِيمٌ Because Shaytan is
the one who leverages your anger against you.
Shaytan is that really shady person in your
life, that wants more drama, that wants more
damage.
Shaytan sees a fire here, takes a stick,
lights that stick on fire and takes it
over here to start another one.
So, the Prophet, peace be upon him, said,
when you feel your anger erupting inside of
you, seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan.
Because you'll see that Shaytan is coming and
trying to cause these issues.
Now, the scholars say, how do you know
what thoughts you're having are whispers from Shaytan
versus from yourself?
I don't want anyone to leave this room
saying, I hear Shaytan whispering to me.
I cannot take professional or career responsibility if
you say this at work, okay?
But the scholars have given us an indication
on how to know if the whispers are
coming from within or from the outside.
And they say, if the whispers coming to
you sound relatively familiar, relatively normal, right?
Meaning, let's say somebody left you out.
They didn't invite you somewhere.
Okay.
Oh, heartbreak.
I get to sleep early.
How sad am I?
Okay.
You start to feel upset.
What are some thoughts you might have?
Oh, see, they always leave me out.
Oh, see, they forgot about me.
They don't even like me.
Blah, blah, blah.
Okay, that all comes from the inside.
Alright?
The Shaytanic whispers, the scholars say, are things
that are a little bit crazy.
You know?
Like, you know what?
They've been planning to do this without you
for so long.
That's the Shaytanic whisper.
The scholars say Shaytan, why?
Because he always tries to reach a little
bit.
He always tries to push you a little
bit further down the path.
Like, too quickly.
You know what I mean?
So when Shaytan gives you those, like, jumps,
don't take those jumps.
Most people, when they become consumed by their
anger, it's because they've taken the jump.
So then they call the friend and they
say, you didn't invite me.
Yeah?
How long have you been planning this?
Person's like, Wallahi, it just came up today.
They're like, you're lying.
No.
No.
It's because you were pushed.
Right?
You were pushed.
So, when you say, أعوذ بالله من الشيطان
الرجيم don't think that it's going to magically
disappear everything.
You still might have feelings of pain and
frustration.
That's okay.
That's normal.
You're human.
But hopefully what it does is it reminds
you that Shaytan is at play here.
And his goal is to make you come
to the most absolutely, like, bizarre conclusion about
why you're angry and how you should be
angry and how those people deserve it.
Okay?
The second thing he says is he mentions
that a person should make wudu.
A person should actually go over and make
wudu.
You know, this is a famous trick across
many cultures.
Go and throw some cold water on your
face.
And a lot of times we think to
ourselves, like, oh, this is not going to
do anything.
Yeah?
Well, try it.
I distinctly remember.
Remember I told you about my Egyptian mother?
Over the top, always a little bit too
much.
Right?
Okay?
May Allah bless her.
I love her.
I love her a lot.
But she's a little bit too much sometimes.
So, when we used to get angry at
each other, you know, five siblings, there's five
kids in my house.
We'd get angry.
We'd get upset.
We loved each other, but we'd fight and
stuff.
You know what she would do?
She wouldn't make us do wudu.
She would give us ghusl.
She would take cold water and just dump
it on our heads, no matter where we
were.
And it's interesting because now all of our
anger was directed towards her.
You know?
She was able to unite the tribes, you
know, in this moment, against her.
But, truth be told, even as a child,
even in my, like, pre-teens, I remember
these moments where that feeling was something that
actually, subhanAllah, extinguished the anger.
Because anger is hot.
Right?
It's a very, very combustible feeling.
And so, when you make wudu, subhanAllah, the
hadith mentions wudu because it's an extinguisher.
Water cools you down.
Right?
Allah also says in the Quran, وَجَعَلْنَا مِنَ
الْمَاءِ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ حَيْءٍ That Allah brings every
living thing from water.
And anger, then we can understand, is something
that leads you to a slow burning death.
Spiritually.
Kills your soul.
So, when you make wudu, you're actually reviving
yourself.
You're giving yourself a reminder.
And at the end of it all, you're
reminding yourself of what?
You're reminding yourself of Allah.
When you say, أَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِ
and you make wudu, you're reminding yourself of
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And so, he says, the Prophet, peace be
upon him, he says in the hadith, Verily,
anger is a charcoal, is a lump of
charcoal, like an ember, burning on the heart
of the person.
And that's how it feels, doesn't it?
He says, Do you not see the redness
of the eyes, the redness of the face,
and the veins on their head and their
neck?
Then the Prophet, peace be upon him, he
says, Anyone who senses these feelings should make
isti'adah, أَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِ make
wudu, and then if that doesn't work, he
said, go and lay down.
Go and lay down.
Remove yourself from the situation altogether.
Take yourself out of the situation and refrain
from being a person who experiences anger.
There's one thing that we can say about
anger.
I know that we're gonna run out of
time tonight.
There's one thing that we can say definitively
about anger.
If a person cannot control their anger, they
can never be close to Allah.
It's almost guaranteed.
It's almost guaranteed.
Because that person's life will be filled with
so much chaos, internally and externally, that they
will constantly be erasing any spiritual gain that
they make.
Anything.
Anger is the thing that leads to backbiting.
It's the thing that leads to jealousy.
It's the thing that leads to judgment.
It's the thing that leads to using bad
language.
Anger is that emotion.
Okay?
Now, righteous anger.
The scholars actually talk about this and say
that this is actually a good experience.
It's a good emotion to have.
When you see bombs dropping on innocent people,
you should be angry.
When you see that people are responsible for
this and they don't care, you should be
angry.
When you see that oppression is happening, you
should be angry.
In fact, the only time the Prophet, peace
be upon him, was known to get angry
was when he saw oppression.
There are times where he would have, the
Hadith would quote, his vein was popping from
his temple and his face became red when
he saw oppression happening.
By the way, on a small scale and
a large scale.
There were times when somebody would make a
racist comment towards another person in front of
him and he, peace be upon him, would
tell that person, would raise his finger.
Dude, I can't even imagine, subhanallah, the feeling
of the Prophet, peace be upon him, pointing
at you.
And he says, انت رجل فيك جاهلية You
are a person, inside of you lives ignorance.
It's breeding inside of you.
How could you say that about somebody?
How could you make a racist comment about
somebody?
Think about how freely racism flows in society,
in the community.
Think about the statements that are made.
Think about the subcultures that are developed as
a result of racist beliefs.
And now picture your Prophet, my Prophet, peace
be upon him, saying, this is ignorance.
This is ignorance.
The colorism, the racism, this is all from
ignorance.
Islam came to destroy these shackles.
And so, when somebody said it in front
of him, he became angry with them.
This is an example of righteous anger.
So, take every moment of anger that you
feel and categorize it as righteous or destructive.
And the last thing I'll say about this
is that when you do get angry at
something in life that's petty, when you do
get upset at something in life that's petty,
one way to distinguish and extinguish it from
your life is to ask yourself, is this
really something that Allah would be proud of
me for being angry about?
Is there not something actually worth being upset
about?
I'm using all this energy because I'm upset
that this person got in line before me.
I'm using all this energy because I'm upset
that this person cut me off.
It's Dallas, get used to it.
They just got done riding horses like 10
years ago, okay?
They're still figuring out how to use turn
signals.
They don't have turn signals on horses.
Can you believe it?
So, you get upset with these things.
People get so upset, subhanallah.
And in that moment when you're upset, ask
yourself like, is there not something more actually
virtuous and actually more noble for me to
dedicate my energy to?
Or is this what it's gonna be just
for me, just for myself, right?
And sometimes Allah Ta'ala sends those people
in those moments to anger you, to remind
you that you're not all that.
Sometimes Allah Ta'ala will send you the
person just to rub you the wrong way,
just so you'll know, man, I'm really not
all that.
That's really not, you know, subhanallah.
We ask Allah Ta'ala to give us
tawfiq.
We ask Allah Ta'ala to protect us
and to make us those that are not
consumed by the anger that we feel.
But rather we are guided and we feel
the only good anger, which is righteous anger,
anger for the sake of those that are
being oppressed.
But we never feel anger for the sake
of our own nafs.
We ask Allah Ta'ala to extinguish the
flame of anger from us and give us
the wisdom and the light of perspective and
give us the flame of nur, of illumination
so that we can make good choices.
We ask Allah to protect our tongues from
uttering things that could destroy us.
We ask Allah to protect us from making
decisions in that state that could hurt us
and our loved ones.
We ask Allah Ta'ala to remove any
anger, any malice in the heart from us
or from others.
We ask Allah to give us the power
to forgive grudges.
I'll share with you one hadith and I'll
go to Q&A.
There was a time where Abdullah ibn Umar
r.a was given an opportunity to spend
the night at the house of somebody who
was told, who was announced was a person
from the people of Jannah.
So this person basically was given, he was
stamped, as they say, he was certified.
And he went to his house and he
said, you know, I observed him and I
have to be honest with you, he said
he's nothing special.
He goes, you know, I pray more than
him, I do more than him, I'm confused.
Why did the Prophet ﷺ announce that he's
رَجَلٌ مِنْ أَهْلِ الْجَنَّةِ And he said that
on the last day when I asked him,
you know, the Prophet ﷺ, he said this
about you, that you're a person of Jannah.
And the man said, what I think is
probably the most frustrating thing, he said, I
have no idea why the Prophet ﷺ would
say that.
And then, Abdullah bin Umar started walking away.
He said, you know what, I'm never gonna
figure it out, this person is given Jannah
and I don't even know why.
And the guy then called him back and
said, you know what, there's one thing that
I do that's special.
And he said, this is the only thing
I can think of that's unique maybe.
He said, every night when I go to
sleep, I ask Allah to remove the grudge
in my heart for anybody that I have.
Just clean my heart.
Get rid of that.
That stuff is toxic.
You know, we talk about toxic, toxic this,
toxic that.
That is actual toxicity.
You know, giving people free rent in your
heart, it's not good business.
Wallahi, it's not.
There's a lot more noble things that you
could love and think about than wondering why
somebody did or said something last week, last
year, last decade.
Just let it go.
Wallahi, just let it go.
Your body, the blood pressure, the anxiety, all
of it, it will thank you if you
just learn to not be an angry person.
May Allah Ta'ala give us this.
Ameen, Ya Rabb.
Okay, let's go ahead and go to some
Q&A, and then we'll stop for prayer,
Inshallah.
Oh, wow.
A marriage question.
This is crazy.
Is this the right laptop?
Okay, so, what is the most halal way
to get to know somebody without family involvement?
Eh, already wrong, okay?
Already off, like...
I see you, Shaytan.
I see you.
They're trying to sneak one in there.
Okay.
What is the most...
I'm so reckless right now.
What is the most halal way to get
to know somebody without family involvement for cultural
reasons?
Okay.
How long should one assess compatibility?
Months or years?
Allahu Akbar.
Years.
Wow.
Okay.
So, this is all my preference, okay?
This is all my preference.
My preference is involve family if you can.
That's the default.
You have to.
You should not be avoiding family in this
stuff.
Okay?
Now, let's say that you have.
Everybody always goes, Oh, but...
Okay, you're an exception.
You're an exception.
Okay?
So, if you have an exception, then that
doesn't mean that you're given a pass.
There has to be some arbitrator.
There has to be someone who is senior,
who is wise, who is mature, who is
responsible, who can facilitate conversation.
Okay?
What I would recommend is someone of knowledge,
an imam or a sheikh or somebody that
you trust, that knows you, that knows at
least one of you very well.
I know it's not always possible for both
parties to know this person.
Oh, one of you.
Okay?
And this person has to be included in
every correspondence.
Okay?
Because in the absence of family, you're basically
trying to facilitate an artificial protection which Allah
has mandated through the wali, right?
The father of the girl and the family
ultimately of the guy.
Even though the family of the guy is
not necessary per se, but it's wise to
include the family.
How long should one assess compatibility?
I believe, I believe.
Okay?
This is so interesting.
We're part of a generation that can't even
stay the same company for more than a
year.
So, I believe that if you don't know
in 90 days, then it's a no.
Three months.
If you don't know, like if you don't
figure it out in 90 days whether or
not this person is like actually who you
want to marry and you want to take
the conversation forward, hit the button.
Move.
All right?
Move on.
Okay?
But again, that's not sharia.
Let me give clarity.
That's my opinion.
Because sharia doesn't have a limit.
Sharia, it's the scholars say it's within the
reason.
For some people, that reason might be shorter,
might be longer.
I know some people are like, you got
a week, figure it out.
I think three months in a contained, in
a planned communication system is a reasonable amount
of time for somebody to know.
90 days is a long time.
90 days is a very long time, by
the way.
90 days is the limit.
You should know before that.
All right?
If you don't know before that, can you
imagine?
Do you want to sign for this apartment?
I don't know.
How long do you need?
Six months at least to figure it out.
You pick an apartment right there, like right
then.
Right?
Bismillah.
Go for it.
A friend and I are interested in marriage.
Okay.
Islam, very important to both.
But recognize we need some more time to
grow internally.
Advice?
Okay.
So this is actually a good question.
If you are interested in marrying somebody, but
both of you acknowledge that you need more
time to grow, then you need to immediately
cease and desist.
Everyone laughing is just telling on themselves.
They're just like, oh my God.
Did you hear what he said?
We have to talk tonight.
Right?
You need to cease and desist.
No, no.
I'm telling you.
Here.
You ready for this?
In your continued relationship, you might be depleting
the blessing that you need to make it
successful later.
In your continued relationship outside of what is
Islamically mandated, you may be draining the barakah
of what you might need later.
So you need barakah in your marriage.
You need it.
If you are engaging in premarital dating for
three years, that's not to say that it's
guaranteed to be a failure, but you might
be, right?
And the reason why, and I'll give like,
there's the spiritual reasons, but I'll give the
psychological ones because we don't have a lot
of time.
You are entering into a stage of relationship
where there is really no commitment.
Like you're speaking to each other like you're
married.
You're talking to each other like you want
to get married.
You're sharing secrets.
You're making plans.
You're sending each other Pinterest boards of houses
and interior design and wedding dresses and all
that.
And then one day, like he has to
marry his cousin or something.
And you're like, what?
You know?
Or her dad just says like, no.
Like, I'm sorry, you know?
And that one definitely burned.
Like some people are crying.
You're better than his cousin, wallah.
So, no, Allah knows best.
Okay, you might not be.
So, but what I'll say is this, okay?
What I'll say is this.
In that moment, this is definitely next week's
reel, by the way.
In that moment, you have put the weight
and burden, the weight, you guys know what
weight is?
You have put the weight and burden of
something that only marriage can handle on what
is not marriage.
Does that make sense?
Would you ever put something heavy on something
that can't handle it?
So then something breaks your relationship.
You say, why?
Because you weren't married, Habibi.
You weren't married.
Oh, but we loved each other.
Love is not enough.
You need commitment.
You need commitment.
Commitment is when you look the person in
the eye and you say, we're not ending
this.
I told my wife on our wedding day,
there's no such thing as divorce.
She's like, there is.
I said, no.
Because the early ejection is way too quick.
Okay, so don't put the burden of a
relationship that is meant to only be sustained
and kept by a marriage, a union, on
something that is not marriage.
Okay?
May Allah ta'ala give us tawfiq.
How do we deal with angry people?
Oh, that's a really good question, subhanAllah.
Let's start next week with that one, inshaAllah.
Okay?
Because now we have Isha prayer.
We're going to end.
BarakAllahu feekum, everybody.
If you can just leave the chairs where
they are, inshaAllah.
Our staff will handle it after.
But for the backjacks, if you can put
it up on the front, I appreciate it.
I do have to head to the musalla
because I can't miss Isha.
So I appreciate you letting me head over
there without questions.
Jazakumullah khairan.
Wassalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.